To be upset my 3 year old is like my DH.

[Sheesh89]

I feel terrible asking this.

I have 2DS. One is 3 years old. The other is 18 months. Everyone says the older one is like my DH and the younger one is like me. Looks, temperament, everything. Both sets of our parents are always saying they are just like you when you were small.

Problem is my DH is a very difficult man at times. He's highly sensitive, very anxious, easy to take offence. He's lots of other good things but I've thought about leaving a lot.

Apparently when DH was small, my MIL used to be scared of him. She said he banged his head, tantrums in public, hit her. My MIL now worships my DH and never sticks up for herself and I very stupidly presumed my DH behaviour as a child (and as an adult) was due to some bad parenting (over anxious, never say no, the boy can do no wrong) very judgmental of me

And now I have exactly the same with DS. He hits me 10 times a day. He never does it at nursery or to other kids, just me. He screams all the time. He's so incredibly anxious. Constantly clings to me like a baby. Wants me to himself all the time. He's terrified of going to bed. He cries if his toast is cracked. Last night he woke up crying and I went into see him and he slapped me right across the face and then hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe. That just about sums our relationship up.

My DH is the first to admit he finds life difficult. Struggles in social situations. Struggles to not get very stressed over tiny things

Am I awful to think my DS is destined to be the same? My DH is loving, creative but I wouldn't say is a particularly happy man. I so want my DS to grow up happier in his own skin, more confident, and doesn't take out his insecurity on people (like my DH does)

Is this kind of thing hereditary? My MIL still walks on egg shells with my DH now. And I hate it. How do I stop history repeating itself? Or am I just being way too judgmental of a 3 year old???

I can't offer advice as in not in your shoes but violence cannot be tolerated, whatever the age you don't want your youngest child copying this behaviour as well. So if you are the main breadwinner and your husband is too anxious to pay bills etc..why doesn't he get up in the middle of the night and deal with your son?

You need a diagnosis for your son and a divorce.

Sounds as if your DH is neurodivergent, and possibly your son also. It does run in families.

Trying to encourage your DH to contemplate this and maybe seek an adult assessment will be an uphill struggle, Im guessing. But it's different for your son. Early diagnosis can really help - it'll give you both the tools to cope. Suggest a chat with the GP in the first instance.

I'm going to differ somewhat from everyone else (including @billy1966 who normally I agree completely with).

I think you need to start by separating your son from your husband. They are not the same person and your son is not simply "Sheesh89's DH mark II". As people, we are a combination of our characteristics and traits (including our inherited traits), but also our upbringing, environment and the choices we made due to those factors. Your son may face some of the same challenges as your husband has but you can equip him with the skills, and he can choose, to deal with them differently.

I tend to agree that behaviour is communication and what your DS seems to be communicating to you at the moment is that he doesn't feel secure and instead feels overwhelmed and unsafe. His aggression needs to be viewed in that context. So I would focus on "love-bombing" him and improving his feelings of security while also continuing to make it clear that "we don't hit" and this is not acceptable behaviour. For example, you say he hates going to bed. When my 5yo is going through a stage of being scared to sleep alone, I just put him to bed in our bed and lie next to him until he's asleep and then we move him through later. And eventually it passes.

I don't have the knowledge/experience to comment on whether he might be ND, but I agree that there are some concerning signs and that it might be useful to look into this. Even if he is too young for a diagnosis, there are specific parenting strategies which might be helpful for you and him.

Problem is my DH is a very difficult man at times. He's highly sensitive, very anxious, easy to take offence. He's lots of other good things but I've thought about leaving a lot.

Has he only been like this since you got married ?

If indeed your son is 'just like his father' . . . you have a unique opportunity to rewrite the past and raise him better than his mother raised him. Be more sympathetic and emathetic, more understanding and give better boundaries and support. Learn from the past and resolve to do better - as we all do with our children, trying to give them a better life and better foundation than our parents gave us. But be very careful. He is his own unique person and deserves to be loved and appreciated as such, not shoved into a preconceived pigeonhole. Dont be quite so ready to judge who and what he is quite yet, as you dont have th efull picture yet.

He is 3 years old....

The big issue here is your marriage and your husband. You don’t sound like you even like him and you’re now projecting this onto a three year old as people have said he is like him, which in turn does give a cause and effect

i think you need to end your marriage, for everyone’s sake but mainly for your sons, he is not your husband.

You don't need to "get DH to take it seriously" at this point.
You just need to get taken seriously by your GP, then get backed & supported by them all they way through various referrals until you get - if it is some form of neurodiversity - a diagnosis.

DH isn't bearing the brunt of his son's behaviour - you are.
Your mother isn't raising your child - you are.

Your son - & above all, YOU, because it looks like you are the only person who is going to advocate for him - desperately need advice & support. Get along to the GP. If that's going to be a bone of contention for DH - don't tell him until the wheels are in motion.

Dd went through a hitting stage when she was about 2 and the only thing that worked was that we had a travel cot in the front room and I put her in it and walked away immediately hit. I only had to do it for a minute for her to get the message but 3 minutes might work at your sons age. I wouldn't give in and hug him straight after though or he won't get the message. It was the only time I really used time out but it did work where other things weren't

PS. If he can get out of a travel cot at his age you'd obviously need to find an equivalent

That should say "walked away immediately she hit"

He’s three. I realise it’s really, really hard, but you can’t land him with things adults have done to you in the past. I’m sorry, it’s super hard, but you must separate it, for both your sakes.

He’s hitting because he can’t not. He doesn’t want to, he understands he shouldn’t when he’s calm, but he literally cannot access that knowledge when he is afraid. He’s in fight or flight. He has a butterfly brain and the hit itself can be enough to regulate him enough that he can then verbalise he needs a cuddle. Your challenge is to get him to that point with hitting, and to shape his life so he doesn’t get to that point so often (not never. He needs opportunities to practice coping!)

You can absolutely control the behaviour making him more afraid of the consequences. Do you want a child who doesn’t hit because he’s too afraid of what will happen, or do you want a child who doesn’t hit because he’s calm and settled and has good emotional intelligence and resilience? neither child hits, but the first can turn into difficult adults.

You can parent differently. You’ve seen that a child like yours who’s parented permissively doesn’t turn out very content, (although you possibly understand your MILs challenges better now!). But your strategy of taking no shit isn’t working well either, because it makes your child feel (not is. Feel) unloved, controlled and rebellious. Which makes him anxious and insecure, which makes him hit, which you punish, which makes him feel unloved, controlled and rebellious.

hitting is not acceptable. He knows this. He doesn’t want to hit. Parental Incurred Consequences tech nothing (natural consequences are different) You can hold this boundary without consequences because he is three. At three, his emotional regulation is dreadfully poor. Most meltdowns will be a last straw scenario. It’s not the biscuit, it’s the late night, the tough day at nursery, the dad being away, He’s three. I realise it’s really, really hard, but you can’t land him with things adults have done to you in the past.

Some things that helped as at this are:

Calm first. You can teach nothing through anxiety. A dysregulated child cannot learn anything at all. He needs you to help him calm down first. Stay out of reach and don’t talk much. Wait for him to tell you he wants contact. Give him lots of time and space and let him be heard, be calm and reassuring. Don’t correct, just hear. His feelings about what happened are separate from what happened. You have to hear them first, then they will subside and you can have your teachable moment. But if you listen (and don’t say much. Lots of ‘yeah?
Really? Is that so? And then what happened? That sounds tough etc etc) and they can get it out earlier, it won’t build up so much. This is why the ‘reflection’ helped us. I found out about tough (for her) stuff before bedtime anxiety kicked in.

Some things that helped as at this are:

• lots and lots of outside play (at nursery for us. Yay nursery!)
• but quiet time too (Yay childminder/friend in the afternoons for crafts and baking. We couldn’t do it every day, but the days that we did were so much calmer). Do less in any way you can.
• a predictable routine (we had a magnet board with pictures of what was coming that day) boring, but three year olds are coping with massive brainstorm. They need boring.
• a ‘reflection’ session (with magnet board at dinner. It was pretty basic, but it helped a lot. Various stresses came up and got listened to before bedtime or before they built up
• getting her input whenever I could. Giving lots and lots of choices. Not caring about little stuff. You want to go out in sandals? Sure, I’ll just grab you shoes in case we need them later. Kid gets cold feet. Asks for shoes. Quicker than a tantrum, and MUCH more helpful for them to develop good decision making skills. They have (necessarily) have so little control and it irks them no end!
• modelling calm. ‘I’m SOOO CROSS I dropped the cup. I’m going to jump on a cushion and then take deep breaths until I feel better. That’s better. Now I’ll clear up. It was just an accident, we can get another cup, everyone makes mistakes’ (You’ll feel silly. Of course you will. But you’re teaching a tiny human how to do this. They’re not mind readers!)
• Calm first. You can teach nothing through anxiety. A dysregulated child cannot learn anything. He needs you to help him calm down first. Stay out of reach and don’t talk much. Wait for him to tell you he wants contact. Give him lots of time and let him be heard. Don’t correct, just hear. His feelings about what happened are separate from what happened. You have to hear them first, then they will subside and you can have your teachable moment. But if you listen (and don’t say much. Lots of ‘yeah? Really? Is that so? And then what happened? That sounds tough etc etc) and they can get it out earlier, it won’t build up so much. This is why the ‘reflection’ helped us. I found out about tough (for her) stuff before bedtime anxiety kicked in.
• role play and be silly about it. Have soft toys hit and make up, make messes and help each other, or ignore them, be naughty. Explore things in play and follow his lead. (The outcome doesn’t matter if it’s not a lesson, it’s processing. You’re already modelling what people really do and they know the difference)

My DHs mental health was so poor, with such dire of consequences, that I decided early on I would put DDs mental health and emotional resilience before everything else. I don’t care what people think. She’s so like him it worries me deeply.

Good resources are The Visible Child Facebook Group, Aha Parenting and Ross Greens work (specifically the explosive child, but all are good).

OP

If you're the main breadwinner your DH needs to be the one getting up with DS in the night.
No ifs or buts.

I usually tell him no and then walk away and then he wails and cries and runs towards me saying "cuddle please cuddle" and then clings me to whimpering all panicked. He's literally shaking

Poor little boy. He's acting out because he's anxious and then seeking reassurance for the same reason, I think. Please please don't stop giving him the hugs, I don't think they're a reward, he needs the security. Better to punish him and still hug him than withhold affection.

My son went through a phase of really whacking me when he was a bit younger than this age, he did grow out of it but it was a time when he was generally a bit frustrated and pushing boundaries I think. Tantrums etc. He hasn't stayed that way. That's not to say your experience may not be totally different especially if you suspect SEN but around 2/3 can be a super hard age for this kind of thing especially for high-strung kids. They can communicate so it's easy to think they are more in control of themselves than they are.

The fact that he understands the concept but loses track of it in the moment suggests he's not in control of his actions at that moment. Three year olds often aren't. He does need to learn, but he's three, not six.

This must be tough for you. It is far more likely, imo, that your son is anxious because he picks up on his father's anxiety than that he is genetically destined to turn into him.

I so want my DS to grow up happier in his own skin, more confident, and doesn't take out his insecurity on people

I really sympathise with this. I think making him feel secure is the key to that and getting tougher on him won't have that effect. That's not to say I think that's a simple thing to do.

Ha, Eeksteek said it a lot better.

One thing I forgot is that I let my DS see that it hurt when he hit (even played it up a bit.) Once he stopped thinking this was a game and understood I was sad/it hurt that did start to make an impression over time.

Like @Eeksteek , we also explore things through role play (teddies not sharing, hitting, not playing nicely and then making up) and it has been great for my DC in learning to explore and control his emotions and consider others in a safe space.

Also, warm baths all the way here. Bathtime is a big thing. If we're at home/after school and having a difficult day, DC goes on the bath. He finds them incredibly calming and that's usually when all the petty grievances and upsets of the day come out. We also try to do some homework/writing practice in the bath (with bath crayons, for example) as DC is just much calmer and more focused.

Oh fucking hell OP.

What DOES DH do, for you, & his children?

I've spent a lot of my life dealing with sensitive, unhappy men and it's really hard to separate my son from that dynamic. I know he's only 3.

Problem is my DH is a very difficult man at times. He's highly sensitive, very anxious, easy to take offence. He's lots of other good things but I've thought about leaving a lot.

I think you shoulder almost the entire load.
I think you receive NO valid support, from your own family or DH's, & that you need to make getting hold of that support - at least for the difficulties you are having with your 3 year old - your most urgent priority.

You have trained yourself/been trained to tolerate & manage difficult men for ... how many years? Decades?
It's not going to get better at home with a DH who doesn't step up, gives you zero emotional succour, who denies that DS has a problem, & who refuses to explore the ND route.

At some point in your DC's childhood, you are going to run out of steam.
This thinking about leaving a lot - what form does it take? Daydreaming? Fantasising? Planning?
Whatever. I think you should do a LOT more of it.
Or you might turn into your MiL - continually pandering to DH, except in your case it will be out of sheer exhaustion.

TL: DR
Get to the GP. Get on track to a diagnosis & support.
Get an escape plan together. No need to act on it - but you DO need to know that there is a future waiting for you where you are not The Default Soothing Person for 2 kids AND a grown man ... before you totally burn out

I don’t think this sounds like typical 3yo behaviour and I’m surprised at those who say it is? I don’t think slapping across the face, hyperventilating crying etc daily is normal. Does your nursery have a Senco? Id start there.

Yes, your DH does sound a bit of a waste of space. You're not his mummy and maybe you'd have more time and energy for your DC (who need you) if you didn't have to be a support person to him as well.

This. For everyone's benefit, get your child assessed.

I’m sure they’ll be those who disagree with me but he’s 3 not a baby and it’s unacceptable that he’s hitting you. You’re letting your sympathy for him cloud your judgement. Show him you love him by stopping him now. No you don’t hit Mummy. No cuddles with Mummy if he hits you, tell him it’s made you so sad he’s hit you that you don’t want a cuddle. Let him scream etc he’s got to learn. A parent in my child’s class told me her 6 year old still smacks and hits her! She laughed as if she has no control and he can’t help it!

First off, your partner sounds bloody useless, ND or NT. Why are you the one getting up in the night if you're the main earner? At the risk of sounding harsh, it sounds like your MIL is not the only one pandering to him.

Agree with PP that hitting, meltdowns etc sounds a bit beyond normal toddler behaviour. No one can diagnose on MN but the advice to start the process for a diagnosis is good. Go and see your GP, with your partner's support or not.

I also agree with PP that you are doing a lot of projecting, both of your feelings about DP and previous abusive partner, onto DS. He's 3. He's not your useless partner or your abusive ex. He may be ND or not but that doesn't mean he's a carbon copy of your partner (he's 50% you, for one thing) nor that his issues are the same as your partner's. You are doing the right thing in not wanting to copy your MIL's mistakes. I know this is a MN cliche but do you think a bit of therapy might be helpful for you, to get all this a bit clearer in your head, especially around previous abuse. I can see that being hit by DS must be even more difficult if you have been a victim of DV but it really isn't the same thing.

It sounds very tough and I hope you find a way through. Are you and DP married? How is the relationship generally? He needs to be doing a lot more and frankly doesn't sound great.

Sounds a bit like autistic behaviour to me. Maybe go see your gp for a referral for assessment

Sorry, just saw you said DH not DP.