To be upset my 3 year old is like my DH.

[Sheesh89]

I feel terrible asking this.

I have 2DS. One is 3 years old. The other is 18 months. Everyone says the older one is like my DH and the younger one is like me. Looks, temperament, everything. Both sets of our parents are always saying they are just like you when you were small.

Problem is my DH is a very difficult man at times. He's highly sensitive, very anxious, easy to take offence. He's lots of other good things but I've thought about leaving a lot.

Apparently when DH was small, my MIL used to be scared of him. She said he banged his head, tantrums in public, hit her. My MIL now worships my DH and never sticks up for herself and I very stupidly presumed my DH behaviour as a child (and as an adult) was due to some bad parenting (over anxious, never say no, the boy can do no wrong) very judgmental of me

And now I have exactly the same with DS. He hits me 10 times a day. He never does it at nursery or to other kids, just me. He screams all the time. He's so incredibly anxious. Constantly clings to me like a baby. Wants me to himself all the time. He's terrified of going to bed. He cries if his toast is cracked. Last night he woke up crying and I went into see him and he slapped me right across the face and then hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe. That just about sums our relationship up.

My DH is the first to admit he finds life difficult. Struggles in social situations. Struggles to not get very stressed over tiny things

Am I awful to think my DS is destined to be the same? My DH is loving, creative but I wouldn't say is a particularly happy man. I so want my DS to grow up happier in his own skin, more confident, and doesn't take out his insecurity on people (like my DH does)

Is this kind of thing hereditary? My MIL still walks on egg shells with my DH now. And I hate it. How do I stop history repeating itself? Or am I just being way too judgmental of a 3 year old???

I'd suggest family counselling. Maybe a professional therapist might say wait until your DS is a bit older but I think you as a mum can tell the difference between toddler tantrums and a behaviour that will go on to be a problem.
If you have a good GP maybe they are the first port of call?

I didn't have the hitting you describe but otherwise my younger DS was similar, banging head on the ground type tantrums, would argue black was white from the moment he could speak etc. Elder DS was just so quiet and calm and tried a tantrum once, we ignored it and he didn't do it again. DS2 was just a different customer. He lived in the highs and lows and rarely anything in-between. However, once he hit his teen years (literally 13 onwards) he totally chilled out and became such a gentle kind young man. He's 21 now, and he can't believe himself how stroppy he was.

His behaviour and level of support is going to change!

We got 20 pages of recommendations/strategies specific to our son in his assessment report.

We have implemented those strategies and his and our lives are better for it.

We also have a level in funding for him now after acknowledging his disability and applying for dla, which we put towards therapy, extra activities, books about autism, special aids and things that were recommended. For instance a weighted blanket or compression vest may be suitable for OP son, and be better than him squeezing the life out of her and being permanently anxious, hanging off her.

And school will have full understanding of his needs and be able to apply for funding.

Well said.

NO cuddles after slaps - straight to the naughty step! Let him wail. He will get used to the routine of what happens when his behaviour is dreadful. And have better behaviour from it.

But ultimately you need specific recommendations from trained professionals at this point.

The diagnosis is important because if he is autistic most of this advice on this thread would make things worse not better. The OP probably doesn’t have the confidence to do something different given that the overwhelming majority of advice on this thread is firm boundaries etc, which is fine for a NT child but not for ND one.

I hate to think me soothing him in that moment has taught him that the slap 2 mins before is validated

@Sheesh89 You've not necessarily 'validated' it, but you have potentially reinforced it. If a child hits when it all gets to be a bit too much and then you hug them, they learn hitting gets them the hug. Punishing them will stop the hitting in that scenario, but it doesn't remove the fact that they need help to learn to regulate their emotions. My two boys really do sound similar btw. My eldest's, almost 3 y/o, behaviour was at its absolute worst last week when he was home with me and the almost 9 month old. DS was in pain and really upset as he had hand foot and mouth. He lashed out frequently, but especially when I was seeing to the baby. I think he has a lot of complicated emotions going on around sharing me with his little brother. Combine that with him being scared/in pain and he lashed out at me and his baby brother.

Last week I did the whole "We don't hit, hitting isn't nice and it hurts". "If you hit again we're going to sit down on the step for 2 minutes and think about why that's not ok". "If you hit again I'll take your favourite toy away and you'll have to earn it back" etc etc

It all worked in the moment, but he still kept hitting when things got too much.

I think there are multiple reasons why a young child hits, and none of them are acceptable. But in my case I reflected on last week and I saw a scared little boy who was in pain and didn't know how to express it so it came out as aggression. I now have a better plan to predict and handle it next time. "Did you hit mummy because you are sad and angry? Do you want a hug? If you want a hug what you need to do is to ask mummy for for a hug" or "If you are sad you need to tell mummy you are sad. Mummy loves you but hitting mummy will not get you a cuddle, if you tell me you are sad you will get a hug.", "Next time you hit you will have to go in a timeout. If you're angry or upset you need to tell mummy your upset and I can help you" Etc

To me it feels like telling them what they shouldn't do (Don't hit or else you'll be punished) is only giving them half the rules in the game. We also need to try and work out what they initially needed that caused the behaviour and give them a better more effective route to that next time.

Not sure which way I'm supposed to vote for what but:

YANBU to be concerned about your DS.

YABVU not to act on the HV's recommendation because your husband wouldn't like it. Time to woman up and start putting your DS's needs above your DH's.

However YANBU because you sound like a lovely mum dealing with a lot of shit.

You learn to recognise it don't you?

You don't need your bloke to take it seriously to start an assessment and you would be better starting it now before it really comes out at school.

Your blok has to come to it in his own time.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Not letting a child hit you does not constitute emotional abuse, FFS, it’s called parenting

Agree

@karmakameleon

Nope! still not ok to follow up with cuddles when a child slaps you regardless or whether they are neuro divergent or not

This 100%!!

@LuckySantangelo35 replied to you on this up thread but forgot to tag Soz.

Did you read what I actually wrote? If so, you certainly didn't understand it.

Reluctantly I have to agree.

From the OP's description, this child is having emotional meltdowns not tantrums. He's not tantrumming to get his way or as part of a power struggle like many young children do, he genuinely cannot cope and is afraid. To remove the meltdowns, surely it would be best to remove or lessen the fear and anxiety and teach coping strategies. A hug or cuddle after a meltdown is probably the only thing that helps him regulate himself emotionally and I would have thought denying it would just make things worse.

I agree I wouldn’t cuddle my autistic son if he slapped. But I was lucky that with his autism a disciplinary strategy such as the naughty step worked - it let him know I wasn’t pleased, wasn’t something of his own agenda but most importantly it let him have space with no other stimulation where he could get his emotions out and think about his actions. Then we’d hug after and discuss what when wrong, how to improve and people’s feelings. It wasn’t just hitting but lots of things. And rarely need it now as he learnt early on.

However, this wouldn’t work for all autistics and could make it worse (you’ll know within a wk or so of trying), so better to have professional advice as to what is appropriate for your son as an individual OP.

OP,

Don't start blaming yourself, you are doing your best.

My response was specifically to being hit up to 10 times a day and how I wouldn't tolerate it.

If your HV is recommending that you see your GP, then that is absolutely what you should do.

Perhaps those with children that are ND will have strategies that will keep you from being hurt AND help your son.

You have my full sympathy for the huge load you appear to carry within the family.

Financial load, mental load, childcare load, and night wakings.

It is a huge weight to carry for anyone.
Give yourself full credit for it and take any support out there.

I've skipped part of the middle of the thread but wanted to add my support to saying, go and talk to your GP about referral for ASD assessment and so on. Yes, ASD often runs in families, and is often suspected (or actually diagnosed) in parents once a child is diagnosed. NO, a child is not doomed to be like their parent. Especially as with recognition and support you will be able to find much more effective strategies rather than gradually falling into patterns that outsiders find absurd, because they are what allow you all to cope with each other and with life.

Our situation is not like yours in degree, and yet I see similarities, only it's taken many many years for me to recognise some of our dysfunctional patterns. DD is diagnosed ASD, DS is not - diagnosed that is ... (sometimes I think it could come from me, mostly I think it's probably DH - could be both - and it doesn't really matter). DH was allowed to avoid a lot of things growing up, when I first became aware of this I thought it was largely to support his younger, dyslexic, brother in having his own sphere of achievement. But now I understand more that it was also for the sake of an easy life. DH can't stand "conflict" - and takes unnecessary steps to prevent this, shutting down anyone who is upset, insisting I withdraw from challenging or difficult discussions with our teenagers for example. He also hates criticism and is prone to interpret any advice, suggestions, or even "what if's" as direct criticism. When our children were small he always shut down my concerns too quickly, and as I tend to need validation this was counterproductive when there were issues that did warrant intervention.

My own father was a brilliant electrical engineer, but thoroughly frustrated in his career because he couldn't communicate effectively; and he certainly couldn't teach (otherwise an academic career could have been perfect for him). I have some of his traits, but my DS is a lot like him in many ways. However, what both I and DS also have is the "teaching gene" that my mother has, ie we instinctively seek to explain and help others around us understand things.

Your DS may take after his father in many ways, but he will still be his own unique person and there is every reason to suppose he should be able to have a productive life.

Very best wishes for finding a good route forward. Hopefully this will support you not just in dealing with your sons more effectively, but also in creating an environment that your DH can start to feel more confident in also.

@Sheesh89 I will msg you when I get a chance with sources of support and things that helped me.

You will find there is so much help available and some very lovely people to support you. If your son is ND it is not a bad thing and he can go on to have a very good life.

The ND boards on here are quite good and a few very knowledgeable posters about various things.

Take care x

@GrassWillBeGreener

He also hates criticism and is prone to interpret any advice, suggestions, or even "what if's" as direct criticism.

This is my husband, who is “absolutely not autistic” and there is not a chance in hell he’ll get assessed….

He was 100% behind diagnosis for DS though, but after 3yrs of crying and driving him around to get him to sleep we were quite tired 😂.

Totally agree with @Billy1966. Absolutely do not let your 3 year old get away with hitting you. If you allow it he will carry on. You must stop him. One of my boys tried this a few times. I made him sit on his hands for 5 minutes. Then I spoke to him about not hitting as it's not nice and hurts Mummy. Mummy upset now so we won't be going to farm etc. Be a good boy and we will go in a few days. He soon grasped if he hit he missed out on treats and had to sit on his hands.

Op - you said you were in abusive relationships before. It sounds like you're still in one now - when does he ever think about making you happy?

And yes to an autism assessment for your DS - I would be reading everything you can about parenting ND children and implementing it now

@Wbeezer

"I have ended up being the person who provides his scaffolding and I am the person he feels safe to be upset with.*"
*
This is a beautiful statement and your DC are very lucky to have you. I hope I can do the same for mine.

I'm pretty shocked at some of the advice on this thread. I've never come across a child psychologist who recommends naughty step / time out etc. even for NT children.
Maybe it's my years of parenting a child with asd but I see those things as the tools of a parent who knows very little about child development and is only interested in winning some sort of power struggle. Connection is everything and all behavior is communication.
Others have said it better than me but you need to go upstream of the behavior and look at what prompted it. Co-regulation is hugely important. Children learn empathy by being treated with empathy, not by punishment. Please seek an assessment for your child and read the books recommended (esp Ross Greene).

I can empathise a little with the situation with your dh. Mine is neurodivergent and has huge issues with executive function, among other things, so that a lot falls on my shoulders. He does have reasonable insight though (after the fact, quite often) and we talk and try to find ways that everyone's needs are met. It would be much harder if he was in denial and had no insight. I didn't actually see what was so terrible about his comment when you told him about your disturbed night. Perhaps it was a statement of fact? My dh says he often does not know what is the 'correct' response to something.
Is there any way you can access support for yourself, through counselling may be? this might help you to work out whether you want to stay in the marriage.
Good luck, I know it's a tough situation to be in.my best advice is to focus on your lovely little boy and think of his strengths without comparing him to his Dad.

This! Your husband is an adult and it is harder to change his behaviour, but, unless there are any SN issues, you can nip this in the bud now with your child. No nonsense.