To be upset my 3 year old is like my DH.

[Sheesh89]

I feel terrible asking this.

I have 2DS. One is 3 years old. The other is 18 months. Everyone says the older one is like my DH and the younger one is like me. Looks, temperament, everything. Both sets of our parents are always saying they are just like you when you were small.

Problem is my DH is a very difficult man at times. He's highly sensitive, very anxious, easy to take offence. He's lots of other good things but I've thought about leaving a lot.

Apparently when DH was small, my MIL used to be scared of him. She said he banged his head, tantrums in public, hit her. My MIL now worships my DH and never sticks up for herself and I very stupidly presumed my DH behaviour as a child (and as an adult) was due to some bad parenting (over anxious, never say no, the boy can do no wrong) very judgmental of me

And now I have exactly the same with DS. He hits me 10 times a day. He never does it at nursery or to other kids, just me. He screams all the time. He's so incredibly anxious. Constantly clings to me like a baby. Wants me to himself all the time. He's terrified of going to bed. He cries if his toast is cracked. Last night he woke up crying and I went into see him and he slapped me right across the face and then hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe. That just about sums our relationship up.

My DH is the first to admit he finds life difficult. Struggles in social situations. Struggles to not get very stressed over tiny things

Am I awful to think my DS is destined to be the same? My DH is loving, creative but I wouldn't say is a particularly happy man. I so want my DS to grow up happier in his own skin, more confident, and doesn't take out his insecurity on people (like my DH does)

Is this kind of thing hereditary? My MIL still walks on egg shells with my DH now. And I hate it. How do I stop history repeating itself? Or am I just being way too judgmental of a 3 year old???

this entirely.

you’re frightened your son will turn out his dad and you’re in a broken state because your son’s behaviour is just ANOTHER stressor. Remove your twat of partner and your life will be improved exponentially.

I say this wholeheartedly as a parent/wife with autism - being autistic does not render you emotionless and ignorant to your family’s sufferings… being a horrible person does.

His behaviour could be hereditary, but there’s always the nurture side too. There are lots of things you can do, that you MIL didn’t do with your DH, to help your DS. Start with firm boundaries. Don’t be scared of him. Take him to the gp and start the process of identifying if he might be neuro diverse. It’s not set in stone that he will be like your DH.
It’s entirely possible, of course, that his behaviour is just because he’s three and it will sort itself out with time.

My son is very like me and I am not that happy about it. I know very well how aspects of my personality have made life very hard for me. So I working hard at helping him to build up the resilience and ways of thinking and approaching things so he is more able to manage those aspect of his personality and they don't hold him back.

As for tantrums. Your DS sounds a bit like my youngest, gets furious but also needs comfort and reassurance. Children learn self regulation through lots and lots of practice of co-regulation with their care giver ( you!). I don't let mine hit but I do sit with him and talk calmly to help him calm down. He needs to learn that it is possible to get him emotions under control.

I say this wholeheartedly as a parent/wife with autism - being autistic does not render you emotionless and ignorant to your family’s sufferings… being a horrible person does.

Spot on.

Another one who agrees with @billy1966 .

We had the tantrums with both kids at that age.

Zero tolerance and importantly a united front nipped it in the bud relatively quickly.

There's no slapping in this house and I'm not going to allow it from my children.

Yes it's hard in the moment to discipline your small child, but if you don't you are only adding fuel to the fire. And cuddles is sending him mixed messages.

Zero tolerance, be consistent and I'm certain you will see results.

You need advice from somewhere better than MN. Contact your GP or the health visiting service for support with this behaviour. It may be neurodiversity, in which case he and you need diagnosis and support. It is unlikely to be a temperamental thing just because he looks like his dad.

I also think you need to be wary of projecting your past bad experiences of men onto your son. He is only three and children have not learnt to manage their emotions or physical impulses at that age. I once heard a psychiatrist say that children are born violent and have to be socialised into not being. Having spent a lot of time around young children, I think there is a lot of truth in that!

As your son gets older he will become aware if you have negativity views around him due to him being male.

And it is very important not to label children, as best they will resent these labels which will cause them a lot of pain, at worst they will become the negative label that you give them. Always give children a chance to see themselves differently.

Sounds like he's in distress when this happens, total overwhelmed feeling. Could be that DH and your lovely DS share a neurodiversity? They can be genetically heritable. You sound like a lovely mum.

I've read a lot online which says toddlers only hit because they can't handle their "big emotions" and mums get hit because the toddler feels safest and can lash out and knows you aren't going anywhere
It forsnt mean it has to be tolerated or accepted.
It is your job along with Dg to let him learn how to deal with those emotions without lashing out.
The advice you have been given about repeatedly telling him to stop and 'we dont hit ' is good advice.

This is tbe age where clear and consistent boundaries need to be in place from both if you saying the same thing. Age appropriate consequences can be put in place as well if you have given a fair warning what will happen if he does something again.
He may "only" be 3 but if you dont deal with it now it will be a bigger problem when you do decide to tackle it.

I’ve very quickly skimmed this thread, but from your OP I would suggest speaking to your GP or HV for an assessment for possible Autism.

Thank you for your helpful responses.

Just on DH - when I met him he was much more care-free, funny, interested in me. When I met MIL for the first time I was shocked - she basically agrees with everything he says, if he says he's got a headache she tells him to go to A&E. When we first stayed over, she gave up her bed and slept on the sofa (she has a physical disability and is over 70).

But as we've married he's become much more anxious, demanding, difficult. He used to drink a lot (we both did) and had lots of fun at parties and being hungover together. He now doesn't drink and I think the booze was masking a lot of stuff.

But yes, I remember thinking how pathetic his mother was. Sorry - horrible word. But now I've become her. Yes, I go to work and earn the money, and in a way I make all the big decisions, and I'm no shrinking violet. Noone would ever know. But at home - he somehow rules the roost. I don't know how. And I spend a lot of time working out how to make him happy.

History repeating itself. And now with my DS. Who is my focus. It's so hard because I will do whatever i need to do to help him....if that means taking him out the room and not hugging him - fine. If that means cuddling him for 2 hours - fine. But I just don't know. All I do know is he's a very unhappy boy when he's like that. And actually he's been off nursery for the last week and has been such a sweetie, and then yesterday went back to nursery and yesterday evening was absolutely awful. I mean at one point he was grabbing food out of the bin and throwing it at the wall. He's almost growling at me. And then this morning he refused to get out of bed and just demanded I get into bed with him

The poor younger DS just wants to try and help and honestly never cries or gets upset or fights over toys. He gives everything to older DS. But older DS is so horrible to him. He shouts 'baby go away' all the time and I know the 18 month old understands the sentiment if not the words.

The way you write about your husband, YABVU to have not one but two children with him. Surely you could tell what he was like before you had them.

Agree with PPs that your DC might have ASD and you should pursue an assessment. As for your marriage, it could be salvageable, but do you want to salvage it?

He's not like your DH. It's important that you realise this - for your DS' sake and for your relationship with him because you're carrying a lot of baggage about your relationship with your DH and you're inadvertently putting that on your DC.

ime anxious DCs don't respond well to withdrawing affection. They need more reassurance not less. They also need a good routine. Firm boundaries and a stable home environment.

As well as speaking to your GP, keep a diary of foods/events/behaviours - see if you can recognise triggers. Our DC was similar when little - we identified some food triggers; some event triggers; some health triggers and spent a lot of time role playing how to respond when sad/anxious/unhappy, etc. And the importance of naming emotions - 'I'm sad, etc' and having a place to go or a song to sing when they feel overwhelmed. As they got older, we added in meditation. They're a complete joy to be around. Your DC's path isn't set. Don't create a self-fulfilling prophecy by projecting your DH on to them.

But at home - he somehow rules the roost. I don't know how. And I spend a lot of time working out how to make him happy.

This is quite chilling to read, OP, sounds like you are scared of him.

Absolutely start processing of seeking help. Go via GP etc to start but as that can be extraordinarily slow and painful, I would consider going private with something like an OT who can help you to help him to manage things in the short term.

I am deeply sympathetic to a child who can't contain his feelings etc, but I am also in the "zero tolerance" camp. If you think that walking away from your child is too difficult (and I would argue that of COURSE he hates it when you walk away - which is why you do it ie to demonstrate an immediate consequence for hitting) then don't walk away, but DO hold onto him firmly, keep his hands away from him and refuse to engage until he is calmer. Because otherwise, you will be 4 years down the line with a 7 year old who hits whenever he doesn't get his own way. I'm sorry, but it's true.

It's absolutely right to do your best to meet your child's emotional needs. It is NOT okay to tell your child that his emotional needs are more important than anything else - in this case, not hitting.

As for your DH - you're the breadwinner and are doing everything. what is he bringing to the relationship at this point? Why the F* isn't he at least getting up with DS in the night, not least if DS is calmer with him than he is with you?

I’ve a very different and controversial view. I didn’t have tantrumming kids (not a boast, it’s personality, fuck all to do with my parenting!). but I was that child who struggled with emotions and life. I could be awful.
what I needed was a hug, just that few minutes properly squashed hug, to reset, get that emotional cry out sort of “shhhh shhhh”. And then deep breath I’m ready to face whatever it is.
its Not rewarding the behaviour unless you see love as a reward. It’s not. It’s unconditional for your kids, they need to know they are loved.
you can not like their behaviour, you can punish in other ways but I’d never not let them know they are loved which is what rejecting a hug is - hence the clinging to you after slapping you.

You’d know quickly if it’s what works along with all the other brilliant advice above.

that’s my controversial view. I’m going to slink back before the pile on!

OP some other posters have eluded to it but can your child name simple emotions? So can he say he's "Sad because you did X" even X is something really unimportant in the scheme of things and doesn't make sense? Can he say he finds something funny?

A health visitor say a DS meltdown in full swing once and recommended seeing a GP about an autism diagnosis. Cant take DH to take it seriously. I had always thought DH struggled with things but I think he is probably neurodivegent too

And have you done what the health visitor recommended? Because if not, that's what you should do. You need to go to the GP and discuss what is going on and see what the next steps could be. These things take a long time so if you think there could be an issue, you should flag it up ASAP.
It is irrelevant that DH won't take it seriously (well it isn't.... he should be.... I mean, don't let him not taking it seriously stop you taking it seriously).
And it doesn't matter what your Mum thinks, or anyone else things, you recognize there is a problem and so does the health visitor who suggested seeing a GP.

@Sheesh89

There would be no way I’d be cuddling him after he’d hit.

He can tolerate feeling uncomfortable and upset by what he’s done, in fact that’s what he needs in order to learn.

I meant to add my mother thought I was a terrible parent, until she came to stay with us for a month. It made her very thoughtful!

You absolutely do not have to accept being hit. But you don’t have to punish it, either.

It sounds like nursery is too a lot. Can you explore different childcare in a smaller setting? An adventurous childminder might be a better fit.

It does sound like there is possible ND to explore. Pursue them for both parties, it will validate your struggles. And try to find some space to work out how to change your dynamic with DH. Don’t get stuck! Feel free to PM me - it’s a bumpy road.

I will definitely try to be firmer with him and more consistent. Just when he's crying afterwards, he is like a hysterical crazy little thing...so if I put him out of the room after he's walloped me, he will run at the closed door shouting 'mummy please please please. sorry mummy. cuddle please please cuddle' and then as I say if I open the door he jumps on me so bloody upset. Honestly, it breaks my heart. I hate to think me soothing him in that moment has taught him that the slap 2 mins before is validated

Why does she need “a diagnosis”?

A diagnosis of what? what would the diagnosis be exactly?? He’s three years old

How is your husband with the children - you say he is demanding and rules the roost - how does that manifest itself with dealing with the children.

With your DS I think you need to get some professional input here - it could be he is ND it could be that living in the environment that you portray here is one that causes him distress

Haven't RTFT but agree with those saying SEN. My immediate thoughts when reading your OP were ADHD and/or autism. Your DH too. You definitely need to look into this because standard discipline techniques won't work and will make all your lives miserable. We're in the system hoping for diagnoses for my DD. The behaviour you describe is not "normal" behaviour, it is beyond what neurotypical toddlers do.

Why is a cuddle seen as a reward vs punishment? It’s a sign of love. It’s not a reward, it’s not a punishment.