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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should grandparents help out with grandchildren?

187 replies

Magicfeet11 · 23/05/2022 16:27

I've always been of the school of thought that DH and I chose to have our children so looking after them was 100% our job and we shouldn't have any expectation of family to help. All of our parents are retired and we felt they were entitled to freedom to enjoy their retirement rather than stuck helping us out.

Added to that the fact we live a couple of hours drive from each side of the family so much support would have been impractical anyway.

We've always paid for full time childcare, arranged babysitters for the odd night out and generally muddled through illnesses etc between us. It's been ok but both working full time throughout has presented some challenges - we're tired most of the time, have been at breaking point on occasion and enjoy life much less than we used to pre kids.

Then I was reading an article today about having children and how it takes a village to raise them. Lots of the comments were about what it used to to be like before the nuclear family when extended families all lived in close proximity to each other and the kids would be in and out of grandparents and aunts houses and there'd always be someone to watch your kids for an hour if you needed to run an errand etc.
It really got me thinking. Before the baby boomer generation (our parents) presumably there just wasn't an expectation of a long and affluent retirement? Presumably when you retired you just expected to stay at home and help out with the family?
Therefore, have I been wrong all along and actually I shouldn't have felt so reticent to ask for free help from family? My mum made clear she didn't want to help but my MIL has always been willing yet I've always felt guilty about letting her even do bath time and bedtime because I've felt like it makes me look like I'm skiving/shirking my responsibilities...

YABU - grandparents should be off on world cruises rather than getting involved with babysitting grandchildren

YANBU - it does take a village and it's nice when grandparents ease the load by doing the odd bit of babysitting etc

OP posts:
maddy68 · 23/05/2022 16:31

No. They have done their bit. If they want to fine but you shouldn't impose. They have their own lives and commitments

SW1amp · 23/05/2022 16:31

I don’t think the odd bit of babysitting is incompatible with cruising the world and obsessively tending the garden, and is probably a nice way of building bonds with grandchildren

but I don’t think anyone should expect full time regular childcare for the long term unless it’s explicitly offered, and can be withdrawn without hurting family relations

Clymene · 23/05/2022 16:33

I think you have rose tinted glasses on. My grandparents didn't do any childcare and I'm nearly 60.

FooFighter99 · 23/05/2022 16:33

I don't think it's as black and white as your voting parameters

It should be the grandparent's choice. They shouldn't be guilted or blackmailed into providing childcare.

My mum retired to look after my DD, but she offered, we didn't ask or expect her to look after DD and I'm fully aware how lucky we are to have my mum as chief childminder, but she loves it and it's kept her young

00100001 · 23/05/2022 16:33

No.

ZekeZeke · 23/05/2022 16:34

Many years ago it was the norm as was children looking after their elderly parents.
Are people nowadays prepared to look after their ageing parents in their own home? I don't think so

Original poster
Magicfeet11 · 23/05/2022 16:34

Clymene · 23/05/2022 16:33

I think you have rose tinted glasses on. My grandparents didn't do any childcare and I'm nearly 60.

I don't think I do. I'm just going off what I read on this article. It's not reflective of my own life at all!

OP posts:
audweb · 23/05/2022 16:35

It takes a village but that doesn’t mean grandparents looking after them. I don’t expect anything of my parents, and I certainly don’t plan on retiring to look after any kids my kid has. Sure occasionally if they want to, but other than that there should be no expectations.

a village is more than grandparents - it includes friends and wider family, and, also paid childcare. My childminder ended up being like family to my child.

SunshinePie · 23/05/2022 16:35

I think it should be an extended family thing, I’ve already let my children know when/if they have kids I will be there at their beck and call to help out! I know what it’s like to struggle with no family help, and I wouldn’t want my kids to suffer the way I have.

thebabessavedme · 23/05/2022 16:36

It takes a mixture, I think that grandparents who refuse to help miss out on a wonderful relationship, I love my dgs so much and would go the ends of the earth for him, neither am I wet rag who drops everything to 'help out', I have a life, I like to enjoy time with dh, just the 2 of us, I just see us all as a family who love and care for each other and enjoy each others company. My dd and sil often do favours for us too, we just don't take it for granted, works for us.

Original poster
Magicfeet11 · 23/05/2022 16:37

ZekeZeke · 23/05/2022 16:34

Many years ago it was the norm as was children looking after their elderly parents.
Are people nowadays prepared to look after their ageing parents in their own home? I don't think so

Is it as quid pro quo as that though? My DM has made clear I'm 100% responsible for her and her care in her elderly years and she absolutely will not go into a home. On your measure I should say I'm not helping her because she never lifted a finger with my kids... I just don't know if that's right

OP posts:
TheOriginalClownfish · 23/05/2022 16:37

Tricky one.
It was different times I suppose. The older generation lived in, or depended on a lot of support from the working parents so it was like a mutually beneficial trade of sorts for many families.

My MIL was very happy to help, though we really only asked her in an emergency. DM never did, and probably never will at this stage.

drpet49 · 23/05/2022 16:38

There shouldn’t be an expectation. But I don’t know any Grandparents who have never helped babysit or with childcare.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 23/05/2022 16:38

I don’t there’s any ‘should’ about it, it all depends on individual circumstances, wants and needs.

In years gone by families were more likely to have mothers that didn’t work outside the home and if they did it was part time, and everyone had their children younger so grandparents were younger and more capable of running around after little ones.

Kindofcrunchy · 23/05/2022 16:38

I've got a 2.5 yo and my retired parents help me with him every day, pick him up from nursery, look after him one morning a week while i work, plus more. I do have a chronic condition but they seem to enjoy helping and say it gives their lives meaning... So that's the flip side. I think it depends on your circumstances tbh.

breatheintheamazing · 23/05/2022 16:38

I didn't have children to then set them adrift in their adult years. I absolutely will help if I can. My mother has helped a lot through the years for me - MIL on the other hand not seen her for dust. I think it does depend on the type of parent you are

Noisyprat · 23/05/2022 16:39

I think there has been a long standing expectation that women would help with childcare. My GPs were a 2 hour drive away but I remember my mother moaning that they did a lot of childcare for her sister's children.

I think now that women are working, often up to retirement, are comparatively 'younger' and often have more disposable income as well as travel being a lot easier, many are still living their lives when their children are having children.

I don't think it's a case of should help nor should it be an expectation that they help, I think it's up to the individual. That said I do think that if, as a grandparent, you don't want to get involved/help at all you cannot expect your children to help you in your old age. IMO the support network works both ways.

Pettypettypatty · 23/05/2022 16:40

My mother and my DH parents have never helped with childcare. They were young when our children were born,lived close to us, PIL are a 3 minute walk away, mil never worked and my own mother worked very part time hours. I don't agree with the comment that "grandparents have done their bit". Mil had so much help from her own mother when she was rearing her children as did my own mother.

When the time comes if either set of parents needs help in their old age they can sort themselves out. My priority will be myself my DH and our children.

LifeExperience · 23/05/2022 16:40

As a grandmother, I love watching my grand child but feel no obligation to do so. Nor should I. The obligation to raise a child rests entirely with the mom and dad who conceived him/her. I'm older now and have less energy than I did when mine were young, something that younger people fail to realize about us older folks. To use your example, caring for a child is NOT like a cruise. Cruises have down time, someone else cooks and cleans for you, and you can be as active or inactive as you wish. Motherhood is relentless, and most women my age simply don't have the physical resources to take care of children for hours and hours at a time.

yesthatisdrizzle · 23/05/2022 16:41

'It takes a village to raise a child' is one of my least favourite sayings. In my experience, most often used by smug busybody relatives who take great pleasure in telling you what you're doing wrong.

In any case, how many of us spend our lives in a small community surrounded by extended family and friends these days?

SemperIdem · 23/05/2022 16:41

I voted YANBU because it is nice if grandparents want to help out.

But they shouldn’t be expected to and if they fancy taking a cruise when they usually help out, that should be accepted with grace and enthusiasm.

I’m very lucky that my parents help out (parental grandparents are deceased) but they also go on holidays whenever they wish to etc because that is their right. They’re grandparents who enjoy spending time with their grandchild, not unpaid, uncontracted child care.

Sswhinesthebest · 23/05/2022 16:42

Mine didn’t want to commit to regular childcare but were happy to help with one offs or emergency care.
I plan to do the same.

Knittingnanny2 · 23/05/2022 16:43

We do both!
seriously though it’s completely down to personal choice. Everyone is different. I absolutely love spending time with my grandchildren, either a school pick up, an icecream at the beach, come round to play for a couple of hours, babysit sometimes. I do one day a week childcare for one of them.
Big but though, they never take advantage, always have a back up for the days childcare if we are on holiday, Ill etc. And I’m able to be honest with the parents if I’m finding it too much.
In contrast my parents and in-laws turned down any and every small ( think half hour whilst I went to the dentist) request as “ we’ve done our bit”. That did make me a bit disappointed if I’m honest and made me determined to help out at difficult times if I could.
I think it’s given me a closer relationship with them than mine had with their grandparents if I’m honest. I hope my grandchildren look back with good memories.
Mind you, I don’t subscribe in any way to the mumsnet view I often read on here that parenting ends the day they turn 18!

BiscoffSundae · 23/05/2022 16:43

I’m a single mum to 4, my mum never has my children ever. I must admit to feeling a bit jealous of those who have involved parents and get lots of help

sunshinesupermum · 23/05/2022 16:43

As a single grandmother in my 70s I no longer have the stamina to cope with my 9 and 6 year old grandsons! I wish I did
However I don't think today's parents should have the expectation that we should look after their children other than in an emergency. The days of a village bringing up children are mostly in the past.