Should grandparents help out with grandchildren?

[Magicfeet11]

I've always been of the school of thought that DH and I chose to have our children so looking after them was 100% our job and we shouldn't have any expectation of family to help. All of our parents are retired and we felt they were entitled to freedom to enjoy their retirement rather than stuck helping us out.

Added to that the fact we live a couple of hours drive from each side of the family so much support would have been impractical anyway.

We've always paid for full time childcare, arranged babysitters for the odd night out and generally muddled through illnesses etc between us. It's been ok but both working full time throughout has presented some challenges - we're tired most of the time, have been at breaking point on occasion and enjoy life much less than we used to pre kids.

Then I was reading an article today about having children and how it takes a village to raise them. Lots of the comments were about what it used to to be like before the nuclear family when extended families all lived in close proximity to each other and the kids would be in and out of grandparents and aunts houses and there'd always be someone to watch your kids for an hour if you needed to run an errand etc.
It really got me thinking. Before the baby boomer generation (our parents) presumably there just wasn't an expectation of a long and affluent retirement? Presumably when you retired you just expected to stay at home and help out with the family?
Therefore, have I been wrong all along and actually I shouldn't have felt so reticent to ask for free help from family? My mum made clear she didn't want to help but my MIL has always been willing yet I've always felt guilty about letting her even do bath time and bedtime because I've felt like it makes me look like I'm skiving/shirking my responsibilities...

YABU - grandparents should be off on world cruises rather than getting involved with babysitting grandchildren

YANBU - it does take a village and it's nice when grandparents ease the load by doing the odd bit of babysitting etc

I have two pre-school DGC who I adore. I also have a full-on full-time professional job. I’d love to do more childcare for them, but as it stands my DS and DDIL know that I will babysit evenings and weekends whenever asked, will have them overnight and would drop everything to help out if they were stuck because their arrangements fell through /illness/whatever. I’m fairly senior so wouldn’t have any issues at work if I had to step in at short notice.
What I can’t do is commit to cutting down my working hours to do, say, one day a week childcare because I can’t afford that. At this stage in my career, I need to boost my pension as much as possible and I still have a mortgage.
DDiL’s mum is in the same position and she’s a bit older than me.

Absolutely this. I love my grandchildren and I think we all benefit from the relationship. The only drawback for us as grandparents is the loss of stamina that comes with advancing age.

I haven't RTFT but don't forget for our parents' generation, their mothers almost certainly had to give up work upon marriage or having children so the grandparents helping out weren't elderly nor having to choose between work or helping out.

And btw that wasn't a dig at women daring to work. More a recognition that my mum was lucky to have several friends she knew well enough to entrust her kids to.

I think that the better solution to expecting your network to look after your kids is to live in an enlightened country that ensures that generous parental leave is available for both parents and good quality childcare is provided.

We get zero help from grandparents. I’m really bitter about it 😂 My very lucky sister has an amazing MIL who loves having my niece for a weekend every month, as well as ad hoc days/afternoons/sleepovers.

On the plus side, I have zero intention of doing any elder care. MIL frequently “jokes” about moving into our annexe. My thought “like fuck is that ever happening. You’ve enjoyed your early retirement in perfect peace and looking out for just yourself, you won’t be spoiling mine”!!!

Actually I want to be exactly like my sister’s MIL. She’s awesome and super helpful to my sister. Hopefully I can be exactly like that for my DC and their children 😊

My DM didn't particularly want to help with childcare. So we paid for most of it.
I wouldn't want to provide elder care either. That's what her life savings were for.
No one beholden to anyone doing things they don't want. Everybody happy.

Im not sure how much help you can expect if you live a couple of hours away to be honest. Its a long way to travel for an evenings babysitting. You sound like you think you are hard done by but id say its normal if you are a couple of hours from each other that babysitting is a bit impractical. it is very lucky your MIL is happy to with such a journey really.

No. I don’t think there should be any expectation for anyone other than the parents to look after their children. The grandparents should be free to go and live their lives without having to be childminders into their old age.

Also, remember, the more responsibility you give to the grandparents, the more rights they’ll feel to impose their way of doing things. Personally, I’d rather be left to make my own decisions and my own arrangements.

I know a lady whose in her 70s and had her 3 grandchildren (baby, pre schooler and primary age) 5 days a week.

My mother had my Brother & SiL's two primary aged DC 3 days a week after school till around 7pm for 2 years at age 75. My brother worked crazy hours and my SiL didn't work, but isn't good at coping. My mother aged considerably in that time.

I still haven't really forgiven my B & SiL for exploiting my mother that way. My SiL used to say how much my mother "loved it" - but my SiL has known my mother about 8 years at that time whereas I'd known my mother for 50. She was doing it partly to keep my SiL happy, and to help my brother in a tricky marriage. My SiL oblivious to all of this ...

I don’t think you can judge it by previous generations. The world has changed, people live longer, have more opportunities, and more expectations.

Imo there’s no should about it. If grandparents want to help then that’s one thing, but there should be no expectation.

No but they should really.

Why @anotherNCsorryfolks ?

Most adults I know move away from their parents so it's an academic question. My parents lived 3 hours away from their parents, my dad is now 8h away inlaws 1 hour. Children are 1-7 hours away.
Most people I know are also still working in their 50s and 60s

My parents have never taken anything to do with the GC except show off photos of them. They actively avoided any scenario that would ever have meant them helping out. I cannot understand their attitude and will never be like this. There is so much that's enjoyable about being involved in children's lives..they grow up so fast. Being involved means occasionally taking part in their care and being interested in their lives. This is all part of building relationships not some sort of horrible obligation. they like to pretend they would be able to manage in emergency...my parents don't know what a car seat is or how to administer calpol or a bedtime routine so that is a nonsense. Its very sad but our children have absolutely no relationship with them now just obligatory visits at Xmas and Easter and sending cards etc. It's their choice but people declaring that they are not taking any responsibility for their grandkids are also turning their back on their own children. We could really have benefited from the smallest amount of back up but what goes around comes around.

Re the village thing -that probably included aunts & sisters
But women had dc younger & grandparents were younger - families were bigger & often you had younger sister who were not married, older female relatives who were spinsters _(old fashioned term) probably because they lost prospective husband during war or to illnesses. & By the way - many younger generations moved to far away for childcare even in my mothers generation & I passed 60 sometimes ago- I wouldn't treat that article as absolute truth & anyway most women didn't work after marriage

We don't have a lot of help and I do feel jealous of those that do. I plan to help my children when I'm needed.

That's so sad. I'm a single parent. My parents do 1 day a week and will do sleepovers etc and special occasions so I'm lucky. Exes parents won't do a thing but he doesn't do much either tbf. My child is going to be the only grandchild so my parents want to be involved. However if they don't want to do it I've always told them to say so.

I agree.

Neither. There is no should. You do what works for you and them.

That’s just not true and entirely your decision to make. Don’t feel guilted into it.

It's nice if they do but shouldn't be obligated to.

I agree its nice to "have a village" to help raise a child, but that doesn't mean grandparents babysitting

We live in a lovely little area, it's very much everyone knows us, our DS call out and chats to all the neighbours, going in for biscuits and juice, them wanting to know how he gets on at school etc, on our walks he knows the postie, milkman, bin men and lots of other dog walkers , the Hermes delivery guys even knows him and chats to him.
All keeping an eye on him as he grows up 

My father sees our DS every weekend, wild horses would not stop him, although that is more stressful rather than a help for me as it's like having 2, 4 year olds, but they adore each other and it's lovely. He would do anything for us. I've been out maybe 4 times since having our DS where I have needed a sitter, my DF had stepped in.

My in-laws haven't done any baby sitting and they adore him, (we don't think any less of them, it was our choice to have him, our responsibility to look after him) we take him nearly every weekend to see them, I think it's only a good thing for a child to have as many people around them to show them they are loved, we facilitate that.

I'm firmly in the 'no' camp.

If they want to, great. But there should be zero expectation whatsoever.

It's not really like that, she wouldn't just pop down to babysit but if we go and visit her for the weekend or she comes to us (which we do reasonably regularly), she'll always offer to do the bedtime routine, take them out to the park, stay home in the evening so we can go out etc. I feel guilty taking her up on it like I'm skiving

@Magicfeet11

I think the two issues are entirely separate. She can choose to not provide any support to you now. This will affect her relationship with her daughter and her grandchildren but that is her choice.

When she gets older you have no moral obligation to provide care and I would never assume or promise her that you can. Realistically you may still be working full time, or dealing with your own family commitments. Or she may get a dementia that makes her aggressive towards you or unable to maintain her own safety in which you would need to be a live in carer 24h a day and stay up all night to make sure she doesn't wander. No one can say "I'll never go in a nursing home". I see daughters torturing themselves all the time over the decision to put their mum in a home but there are certain circumstances which sometimes make it inevitable.

It is totally NOT the grandparents duty to look after their grandchildren. It is nice if they want to and feel able to. Grandparents (in general) may want to help with their grandchildren but may not have the physical or mental strength or agility to do so. Or - they may feel that they have already done all the child-rearing stuff and that now is their chance to do the things they haven't had a chance to do before... and why shouldn't they? And the same goes for their children! They have no obligation to look after their parents. In my case I choose to help with my grandchildren but I don't do it all the time. I have committed to a certain amount and I do other things with them because I love them and I want to. When my mother became elderly and needed help before she died I was happy to do what I could, as did my siblings. I wasn't expected to and neither did they, but we chose to. It would not have been the same if we had been expected to look after her. So no - grandparents should NOT be expected to help out with their grandchildren.