Should grandparents help out with grandchildren?

[Magicfeet11]

I've always been of the school of thought that DH and I chose to have our children so looking after them was 100% our job and we shouldn't have any expectation of family to help. All of our parents are retired and we felt they were entitled to freedom to enjoy their retirement rather than stuck helping us out.

Added to that the fact we live a couple of hours drive from each side of the family so much support would have been impractical anyway.

We've always paid for full time childcare, arranged babysitters for the odd night out and generally muddled through illnesses etc between us. It's been ok but both working full time throughout has presented some challenges - we're tired most of the time, have been at breaking point on occasion and enjoy life much less than we used to pre kids.

Then I was reading an article today about having children and how it takes a village to raise them. Lots of the comments were about what it used to to be like before the nuclear family when extended families all lived in close proximity to each other and the kids would be in and out of grandparents and aunts houses and there'd always be someone to watch your kids for an hour if you needed to run an errand etc.
It really got me thinking. Before the baby boomer generation (our parents) presumably there just wasn't an expectation of a long and affluent retirement? Presumably when you retired you just expected to stay at home and help out with the family?
Therefore, have I been wrong all along and actually I shouldn't have felt so reticent to ask for free help from family? My mum made clear she didn't want to help but my MIL has always been willing yet I've always felt guilty about letting her even do bath time and bedtime because I've felt like it makes me look like I'm skiving/shirking my responsibilities...

YABU - grandparents should be off on world cruises rather than getting involved with babysitting grandchildren

YANBU - it does take a village and it's nice when grandparents ease the load by doing the odd bit of babysitting etc

I agree completely. I love being closely involved in the lives of my DGC and made it clear to my DC that they should always feel free to ask. I'm very conscious of not interfering, but I get far more satisfaction from our close family bonds than I would from any other retirement activities.

I’m 50. My grandparents didn’t do childcare either, both sets lived over an hour away anyway, but DM was a SAHM until she got a part time job when we were well into primary school. This was also the case with most school friends mums too tbh so grandparents weren’t needed for childcare.

I didn’t have any family childcare, the odd day or overnight stay for an appointment or wedding but not a regular occurrence, DM lived an hour away (older PIL even further away) & DM worked full time anyway.

At school pick up for my DC I can only think of 2 GP who did regular childcare so not the norm for our DC’s friends either.

In the ‘olden days’ it wouldn’t have been just you living your life as you do now, but with your extended family living on the same street looking after your DC so you could go to work.

It would have been you at home doing the drudgery of a housewife, with your sisters and sister in laws doing similar. And the children running between the houses, and everyone sort of keeping an eye on them (but not really). Baby on elderly grandma’s knee. Toddler underfoot. Elderly grandpa already dead (having done a manual job, and not living past any kind of retirement).

Of course you are also doing all the housework drudgery for your elderly mother and spinster aunts.

So… I know which life I’d prefer. And your original view - that looking after grandchildren should be a choice not an expectation- is right.

But maybe let the grandma who’s willing to do more do so, without you feeling guilty.

It really got me thinking. Before the baby boomer generation (our parents) presumably there just wasn't an expectation of a long and affluent retirement? Presumably when you retired you just expected to stay at home and help out with the family?

Well no. Before our parents generation life expectancy was lower, most people would have lived less than 10 years after stopping work before dying (if they stopped work at all) and may have been in quite poor health for some/all that time.

There would have been some helping with family maybe. But I've always assumed that in the past it was more that children coexisted with work etc - being expected to help with family farming/trade from an early age, working alongside parents in the home or in service etc.

It's not a question of whether one view is wrong and the other is right. It depends on too many variables- e.g. the age, health, energy, proximity and willingness of the grandparents. It makes no sense at all to think you can have a blanket rule about whether grandparents should or shouldn't.

As for the matter of how it was in previous generations before the nuclear family, that's irrelevant imo. Life isn't like that now, so the same expectations should not apply.

No one is obligated to.

However, I do think it's odd not to want to help out where and if you can. I am from a close family where we all chip in with childcare - grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins. Personally I can't imagine watching a family member struggle knowing I could help but choosing not to.

Is it as quid pro quo as that though? My DM has made clear I'm 100% responsible for her and her care in her elderly years and she absolutely will not go into a home. On your measure I should say I'm not helping her because she never lifted a finger with my kids... I just don't know if that's right

DM like I said, made it clear she wouldn't help me, and didn't even when I badly needed support. She hasn't quite stated that she wants me to look after her in old age but I'm really her only obvious option other than a nursing home.

And I've very mixed feelings on that if I'm perfectly honest. The best outcome is that DM gets her wish and goes to bed agile and capable and just pops off in her sleep because I think I'd be very resentful that she was willing to help my siblings with their kids but not me, and yet, I'd be the one who she would expect care from if she needed it but also hating that it's me that does it and not her golden children...

So many of us don't live near our parents due to moving away for jobs, not being able to afford to live near parents or parents moved away to retire.
It's very different from the 50s and 60s.

I live in the SE and my mum is in the midlands, so no help there. ILs lived about 1.5 hours away so, again, no help there.
My children live 80 and 200 miles away .
We won't be able to help them.

However, if grandparents feel that they could and want to help, that's great, but must never be expected to or relied upon.

I've seen so many very tired grandparents on the school run and it's so sad. They often struggle with keeping up with the boundless energy that young children have, particularly at home time and these grandparents have probably got another three hours of entertaining , feeding and caring to do.

Don't forget that , 'in the olden days' there was an awful lot of
"Out you go and play with your friends " that happened. Now kids are cocooned in front of tellies, screens and phones so children are always there . Still need attention, feeding, some running after as well as doing homereaders and doing homework.

Different days.

I will care for my disabled son for the rest of my life. There is absolutely no way I’ll be looking after any grandchildren the others may have.

Just read that your DM expects you to look after her in her old age…. That should also be a choice. Not weighing up the childcare but a free choice.

One set of my grandparents died before I was born and the other used to babysit once a year when it was my parents wedding anniversary.
So not sure what era this post was about. Our parents babysat a dozen times a year gladly when asked.
We babysit so that our dc can go out if we're not away or out ourselves. Regular childcare not a chance, I've just retired and DH is soon. We have many plans including but not exclusively seeing more of the GC.

My mum has vague memories of her grandmother keeping an eye on her during the school holidays when she was a little girl (unusually for the time, her mum had a full time job). But that was because her grandmother lived with them. The whole extended family helping out thing goes both ways. You would be expected to look after your parents and by living with you, they were available to watch the kids. Also, it wouldn't have been very often because in those days it wasn't anywhere near as common for mothers to work, so there was a lot less childcare required from other people anyway.

My own grandparents did not live with us and didn't provide regular childcare at all (we're talking 1970s-80s here). They might occasionally babysit for an evening or an afternoon when we were old enough not to need constant attention, but there was certainly no expectation that they'd be available on a regular basis. I don't think it would have occurred to my mum to ask them for regular childcare.

However, it would also not have occurred to them to demand to come and live with us when they got old, and my parents would never ask that of my siblings and I either.

Not sure boomers are the ones that invented long luxury retirements. My grandparents had retirement just like that. So did all their friends. My exh grandparents etc. who would all be well over 100 and non of who. Has spectacular jobs. my great grandma retired at 60 and died at 98.

I think no one way works. I think extremes (so either never helping or expected to help constantly every week and never having time off) never work.

Most people are somewhere in the middle.

Before the baby boomer generation (our parents) presumably there just wasn't an expectation of a long and affluent retirement?

Many people didn't live long enough to have a long and affluent retirement. Two of my four grandparents died before they reached retirement age.

And it often wasn't all that affluent, when most people had only the state pension.

@SunshinePie and @user1474315215 I totally agree with you. I enjoy an hour at the beach with my toddler grandchildren far more than any of my retirement activities! But that’s probably because it’s an hour or two, not all day plus the bath and bed routines!
could be because I’ve never spent a day between the ages of 5 and 60 without the company of someone under 7 due to being an infant teacher!
My mother could barely disguise her dislike and irritation of children , including her own, so little surprise that she didn’t offer any help to me or my sister.
My sister had a very very sick child that was in and out of hospital for years. My parents refused to look after the other child while they attended appointments and that had a great influence on how we both live our lives now as quietly supportive grandparents.

I can't imagine being a grandparent and not wanting to spend time with my grandchildren. I will also always want to help my children. I would want their relationships to flourish and I think time together is really important for that.
I don't work so I don't need regular childcare but my parents jump at the chance to babysit. We don't do it loads tbh but have a couple of weekends away every year, sometimes for events to do with dh work and then the odd few hours so we can go the cinema or do DIY.

In the years you are talking about retirement wasn't long because people died younger. Men mostly worked until they died until relatively recently in working class type jobs at least. Yes women helped out if they were fortunate to be at home but the women in my family all worked to in factories, neighbours and family all worked too

No they shouldn't have to, my mum WANTED to. I don't want to look after my kids' kids, my sister's kids or anyone else's kids.

My grandparents did zero childcare.

A very large percentage of grandparents of younger grandchildren are still working themselves as far as I can tell...how on earth people can expect them to give up their own jobs/pension additions, etc to look after their children for free is quite selfish and entitled imo.

Well in my experience it's not expected because both my parents and PIL work full time. They can't offer childcare during the week and at weekends they need to relax/sort the house / socialise too. They absolutely will have the DC if asked, but we don't ask very often because we are well aware their free time is just as precious as ours. And since they are all in their 50s, I expect they won't be retiring until our kids are at a stage when they don't really need babysitting. I guess when people retired early, or it was expected for women to stay home with the kids/run the house, there would have been more people around to help.

My parents were quite bemused when their daughter-in-law asked them to have their 4th grandchild and 2nd grandson 2 days a week on her return to work from maternity leave.
They did it for a while, but they were both retired at that point (and 70+ at the time, although extremely fit etc. etc.). I don't think the arrangement lasted more than a few months.

My parents were part of a babysitting club, so I was left with god knows who when I was little. They expect me to do the same, so no help at all on their front and have never babysat.

Very interesting to hear the vastly different experiences and expectations on here!

I'm certainly not hoping to become a grandmother, but if DD had children I'd do a bit. However, I'm unlikely to retire for financial reasons and am buggered if am juggling full time work with childcare in my 60s or beyond. The odd sleepover or night out is one thing, but I have no interest in looking after children again on any regular basis.

My Nan always used to look after me and my cousin whilst my parents were at work, which seemed to be the norm for working class families. My parents and PILS live too far away to help on a regular basis but if they were local I'd find it a bit odd if they never offered to babysit. I know if I ever have grandchildren I'll want to help and be involved, I see grandchildren as an extension of your own kids.