Should grandparents help out with grandchildren?

[Magicfeet11]

I've always been of the school of thought that DH and I chose to have our children so looking after them was 100% our job and we shouldn't have any expectation of family to help. All of our parents are retired and we felt they were entitled to freedom to enjoy their retirement rather than stuck helping us out.

Added to that the fact we live a couple of hours drive from each side of the family so much support would have been impractical anyway.

We've always paid for full time childcare, arranged babysitters for the odd night out and generally muddled through illnesses etc between us. It's been ok but both working full time throughout has presented some challenges - we're tired most of the time, have been at breaking point on occasion and enjoy life much less than we used to pre kids.

Then I was reading an article today about having children and how it takes a village to raise them. Lots of the comments were about what it used to to be like before the nuclear family when extended families all lived in close proximity to each other and the kids would be in and out of grandparents and aunts houses and there'd always be someone to watch your kids for an hour if you needed to run an errand etc.
It really got me thinking. Before the baby boomer generation (our parents) presumably there just wasn't an expectation of a long and affluent retirement? Presumably when you retired you just expected to stay at home and help out with the family?
Therefore, have I been wrong all along and actually I shouldn't have felt so reticent to ask for free help from family? My mum made clear she didn't want to help but my MIL has always been willing yet I've always felt guilty about letting her even do bath time and bedtime because I've felt like it makes me look like I'm skiving/shirking my responsibilities...

YABU - grandparents should be off on world cruises rather than getting involved with babysitting grandchildren

YANBU - it does take a village and it's nice when grandparents ease the load by doing the odd bit of babysitting etc

It should be the grandparent's choice. It's been nice to have help but has not been expected. My children's lives have been better for having spent lot of time with and having a very close relationship with my MIL and we have older friends who are part of their lives too. I feel my own parents miss out on this but it's their choice.

Before the baby boomer generation (our parents) presumably there just wasn't an expectation of a long and affluent retirement? Presumably when you retired you just expected to stay at home and help out with the family?

Not the case. Back in 1950, life expectancy was approx 68. So if they retired at 60, most expected only a couple of years before they died.

I was a child of the late 40s/50s and have no recollection of being cared for much by my grandparents apart from offs.

This basically. There's a line between a bit of help and taking the piss. My mum takes DS to school and picks him up one day a week. And she'll babysit on a weekend the odd time if there's something I really want to do, that occurs 3 or 4 times a year.

Like others, I think your parameters are not true.
I haven't voted, as the question, the OP, the title, etc all don't match up.

So - title : No, there is no "should" about it....suggesting YABU
But end of your opening post, I'm much closer to YANBU, in that it is nice if Grandparents do some babysitting occasionally and help out if they can.
That is a million miles from childcare though.
Plus, as has been said, there are many different circumstances, and I don't think many of us have parents who spend their whole retirement cruising the world (or certainly not anyone I know).
I also think you are confusing the expression about it "taking a village to raise a child". That isn't about Grandparents, but is about 'community' IMO. Again, it isn't about regular childcare.

I also agree with pp that there is some mythical view about "a time" when all adult dc lived in close proximity to parents and siblings and Grandparents all looked after the Grandchildren. Again, circumstances have always been as different from each other as they are now.

Blimey this is a tough rap! I didn't mention them because one is dead and the other cleared off 25 years ago never to be seen again!

Should is the wrong word. It gives the impression they have some sort of enforceable obligation.

It would be nice if family wanted to help each other out as much as they were able.

I always said that I would help to look after my grandchildren. When they were small, I worked full time, so it was evening and weekend babysitting. When I worked part time, I shared collecting from school and nursery with other grandparents. I’ve had them to stay for weekends, overnight and once for ten days.

They’re teenagers now and don’t need looking after and to be honest, we’re that much older and have less energy. It certainly isn’t a question of cruising holidays, although we do a bit of gardening.

I often look after mine but it is my choice and I always wanted to be involved.

I'm 58 with older siblings. My parents didn't get any childcare help - they didn't live near either set of my Grandparents. Baby sitters were hired and paid for. My DM didn't work so childcare wasn't needed. But my parents also didn't do any care for their parents.

My parents/ILS only helped us out in emergencies as they also didn't live near to us. My DM and my FIL both needed care but this was in the form of paid carers in their homes. DF died suddenly so didn't ever need care and MIL is still going strong at 94 and will undoubtedly pay for her own care if/when needed.

I don't think free childcare should be expected but neither do I think expecting your offspring to provide care for you in your old age should be a given. I'm not sure much has changed.

I'm nearly 60. DM's parents lived 2 hours away so although we saw them as often as we could they weren't around to babysit. DF's parents lived relatively locally and grudgingly watched me for an hour on a Saturday between my dance class finishing and my dad picking me up. That was only for a couple of terms and even then I had to walk to their house.

DM only worked over Christmas so she didn't need daycare for us, but as someone else said we weren't sitting at home anyway. We were out in the street or in the park or elsewhere. Care was pretty much benign neglect.

As for the it takes a village. I don't think that means what you think it means. We grew up in an area where we also went to school and church. Everyone knew all the children, where they lived and who their parents were. If you were up to no good, not only would the neighbours tell you off, but they'd also report on you to your parents. Similarly if you were in trouble you could always find a known adult to help you. There were eyes and ears everywhere.

My parents retired at 60 and my ILs at 65. Chances are we are stuck at work until 67 so we won't be able to help out with childcare.

Also I wouldn't promise your mother that she won't have to go into a home. It's a full time job looking after someone with dementia. Like a 3 month old baby only much heavier and lasting potentially years rather than a few months. It will ruin your life for the time that you do it.

It's a badly phrased AIBU question IMHO. Both are true. GP's aren't under any obligation to do anything - it's nice if they want to much in and enjoy the GCs but they should be off trying to make the most of their own lives - having overly involved GP's can be smothering.

I don't know how I can do it anyway with young children, a full time job and living 2 hours away. How do people manage?

I believe that ‘doing my bit’ as a mother also extends to supporting my children in raising their own children - my grandchildren. Im lucky in that I don’t live too far away, so can look after them one day a week. It gives me great pleasure and I think has enabled us to have a great relationship with them.

Should be up to GP not assumed but should be consistent across all grandkids. Not always helping some but not others....

No but they should really.

I'd kill to have a break from DC. I haven't had a night to myself in four years. Nobody offers to have them not even DA or DU even though I'll have DNS to stay! 🤯

Can you tell this is a touchy subject? 😂

Of course.we.cant presume and expect people to do things for us

But my goodness! I will certainly help out my DC if they want me too.i would only do what I can , I would see it as an honour.

Blimey this is a tough rap! I didn't mention them because one is dead and the other cleared off 25 years ago never to be seen again!

It's not just this thread OP; every single time it comes up on here it's 'is my DM out of order for not wanting to look after my children?' I've been on here for years and have never seen any criticism of grandfathers, not once, there's just no expectation there.

My post probably sounded more hostile than I intended, I apologise, I've probably been guilty of the same in the past (not asking my DF or FIL to babysit - mainly cos they're both wankers ) I just feel for all those knackered GMs feeling guilty because they don't want to look after all their children's offspring 40+ hours a week.

I look after my GS 3 times a week - I genuinely love it and have a close relationship with him, but I'm in my 40s, I can't imagine doing it in my 60s, 70s like some on here expect.

I believe that ‘doing my bit’ as a mother also extends to supporting my children in raising their own children - my grandchildren

I agree with this. Luckily my mum does too, as did both sets of MY grandparents when I was young. I'll do the same for my kids if I can, and so it goes on.

I think there's a spectrum to this question. There's a huge difference between fixed, frequent, reliant childcare, and "now and then" to give parents a hand. And lots in between. Also whether a GP is physically able and/or available.

My ILs are able, retired, local and NEVER help. Not even as a one-off for an hour, they literally avoid at all costs. I accept that's their prerogative so we don't ask anymore - but tbh it'll impact the effort I'll make for them as they age, and their relationship with the DC compared to my parents.

This question pops up frequently.
I suspect it's to do with the fact that childcare is so very expensive whereas 'in the olden days' women didn't need childcare or much of it.

Up until 80s it was ' normal' to stay at home when you had children.
Mortgages were based on the wage earner.. usually a man.. and it would have been 3 times his salary.
Women, rightly, complained that it was sexist to assume this and so banks were forced to include a woman's salary.
Result... much higher mortgages were offered , hence, extortionate rise in house prices.

I think the whole “In the past …” is a dig at women daring to have jobs and careers nowadays.

I think your OP needs to be quite sex- specific. It’s not “people” or “grandparents” so much as “women” and “grandmothers.”

and I’ve been quite shocked at the animosity shown by some MN posters towards their mothers/MiLs for not offering to do childcare.

No, but it's nice if they do.
My parents made it clear they didn't want to help with grandchildren long before I had DD. My father has no patience with children- to be honest he never really did- and they want to enjoy retirement and holidays.
In my group of friends they definitely are in the minority and it does make me sad that lots of kids go to grandma for a sleepover or after school for tea when DD doesn't. It's a definite factor in why she will be an only, and I'd like to think if I ever became a grandparent I'd do things differently.

I know a lady whose in her 70s and had her 3 grandchildren (baby, pre schooler and primary age) 5 days a week. Dropping them off all over and doing activities. You will not find me doing that. I think I'd like to do semi regular childcare and would offer to give breaks but regular ie certain day each week no.

No. But there’s now a definite divide between those getting help and those not.
I have a neighbour who looks after her GC, which she wants to do. But it’s the only time she sees them. As they get older and they need to use her less (and it’s already happening) and she becomes not useful I wonder what will happen.

Hmmm, well I read the article that you are talking about and I wouldn't say I totally agree with her. She seemed to think that the ideal number of adults with a newborn was 4 or 5 when her husband was on leave, which seems too many to me as someone who quite liked it with me and my husband with occasional visitors when he was on leave. And just a couple of weeks ago she wrote an article that was very close to "I don't know why anyone moans about motherhood, it has been a breeze and they should shut up, apart from breastfeeding". I think she is still realising that actually the truth is that everyone's experiences of every part of motherhood (birth, recovery, feeding, loneliness, sleep etc etc) are on a spectrum depending on their circumstances - some things are better than expected, some worse, but you can't really compare with anyone else. And that the situation can change from week to week. I do agree with her that, yes, childcare is ruinously expensive.

But to your question, I don't think grandparents should be obliged to provide childcare. My mum's mum did occasional babysitting for us growing up and my dad's parents didn't bother, their choice (though we were closer to mum's side as a result). My mum's mum gave up her job when my aunt's husband left her with two kids (and was totally absent after that) and looked after my cousins - I think even as a child I could see that this wasn't a brilliant nirvana for all concerned; my grandmother didn't really have the energy for consistency and boundaries with young kids and really wanted to do the fun stuff without the responsibility. There was definitely a period where the kids ran riot. It's all turned out fine in the end though and both kids were well loved by two loving parental figures.

The key difference in my childhood was that fewer women worked or worked full time, so my mum was able to do a childcare swap with friends when my sister was small and I was at school. So she had 4 kids one afternoon after preschool and then 3 days off. Standards were lower then in terms of car seats etc....