Should grandparents help out with grandchildren?

[Magicfeet11]

I've always been of the school of thought that DH and I chose to have our children so looking after them was 100% our job and we shouldn't have any expectation of family to help. All of our parents are retired and we felt they were entitled to freedom to enjoy their retirement rather than stuck helping us out.

Added to that the fact we live a couple of hours drive from each side of the family so much support would have been impractical anyway.

We've always paid for full time childcare, arranged babysitters for the odd night out and generally muddled through illnesses etc between us. It's been ok but both working full time throughout has presented some challenges - we're tired most of the time, have been at breaking point on occasion and enjoy life much less than we used to pre kids.

Then I was reading an article today about having children and how it takes a village to raise them. Lots of the comments were about what it used to to be like before the nuclear family when extended families all lived in close proximity to each other and the kids would be in and out of grandparents and aunts houses and there'd always be someone to watch your kids for an hour if you needed to run an errand etc.
It really got me thinking. Before the baby boomer generation (our parents) presumably there just wasn't an expectation of a long and affluent retirement? Presumably when you retired you just expected to stay at home and help out with the family?
Therefore, have I been wrong all along and actually I shouldn't have felt so reticent to ask for free help from family? My mum made clear she didn't want to help but my MIL has always been willing yet I've always felt guilty about letting her even do bath time and bedtime because I've felt like it makes me look like I'm skiving/shirking my responsibilities...

YABU - grandparents should be off on world cruises rather than getting involved with babysitting grandchildren

YANBU - it does take a village and it's nice when grandparents ease the load by doing the odd bit of babysitting etc

Anecdotally - as a kid my GPs on both sides used to have me, to varying degrees. As an adult I have always maintained a regular relationships, and during maternity leave used to shlep over with my loaded baby bag and heavy car seat on a weekly basis so they could cuddle their Great-GCs.

All my choice, as the close relationship has simply continued easily. But there is a sense of obligation too, they were exceptionally good to me and I feel they're owed that time and effort.

Building a relationship does not mean ‘providing childcare’. And it absolutely is a horrible obligation if you don’t want to do it and you’re being pressured into complying.

No. But nor should they expect their adult children to care for them in their old age.

Did their son have nothing to do with this request? So it would have solely benefited the daughter in law? Hmmmm . Not sure I understand how this can have nothing to do with the male worker of the house. Or did him having a proper man job mean that he didn't need to worry about pesky women's things like childcare?

In my experience it can't be done and I have older DC and live only one hour away from my parents. You end up just lurching from crisis to crisis!

I didn’t vote because I fall somewhere inbetween.

I think it’s obviously nice when families support each other, not just in terms of helping out with children, but in other ways too.

however no one is entitled to their parents help with childcare, especially hours of childcare weekly.

there’s no one size fits all. Every family dynamic is different.

my parents ‘help’ me with childcare 2 hrs a week. In reality it’s be easier for me to put the kids in the after school club, but my parents like having that one day a week where they have them alone.

Being involved means occasionally taking part in their care and being interested in their lives. This is all part of building relationships not some sort of horrible obligation. they like to pretend they would be able to manage in emergency...my parents don't know what a car seat is or how to administer calpol or a bedtime routine so that is a nonsense. Its very sad but our children have absolutely no relationship with them now just obligatory visits at Xmas and Easter and sending cards etc.

@Dreambigger it sounds as though your resentment of your parents not doing childcare is the problem here - you only visit twice a year, in retaliation for your parents not knowing about Calpol?

YOu sound quite spoilt.

You have completely missed the point. I was talking about relationships being a two way street.

I think it’s lovely if grandparents are willing and able to help with the childcare of their grandchildren. It should never be expected or taken for granted though.

On the site it seems to be the norm to expect everyone to accept the parents', more likely the mother's, desire to have their own 'little family', with friends and family waiting to be invited to see the new arrival etc etc. The idea of 'takes a village' counteracts this, unless the village has to obey the rules as set by each individual mother.

If you want the grandparents to 'ease the load' no-one can dictate how they do this, matters of safety obviously excluded. Many of us who lived overseas managed perfectly well without grandparents being involved, or anyone else, we simply accepted that they were our choice and our responsibility.

It's not compulsory but nice if they want to help, provided you get on with your families. We got on well with our own families and our respective inlaws but my parents worked and his were some way away and not in great health so really a bit limited in the help they could give. Babysitting was great fully recieved when they were able and they enjoyed time with their grand children.

I wouldn't expect childcare from my parents. They are just 55 and both work full time.

My Mum has my 11 year old for me to go out once or twice a month as I am a lone parent and we also do a lot of things together. But she is my Mum not a free childcare provider. She has her own life and her own career.

We had full time nursery places even though I worked part time so I could be flexible
Parents and ILS did help out if kids were unwell and a bit in the hols
and babysitting and we had a weekend away twice a year when they watched the kids

It’s very tricky. My parents are in their 70s and it wouldn’t feel right to me for them to look after DD for a regular thing as they would struggle. They live 40 mins away and I think once she’s older (she’s 8 months) they will be happy to have her for a sleepover etc but I can’t see it being regular which is fine.

DH mum just can’t be bothered it seems. We don’t ask anything of her but she says she never gets to see our baby, yet she’s providing childcare for my BILs baby who is a month older than ours regularly yet she never offers us at all. I think it’s a shame when grandparents pick favourites too! It seems to happen so often

It's odd to feel guilty about that. I would consider it doing the grandparents a favour to let them have a bit of sole charge time - many grandparents really want that, as long as there's no obligation.

If you feel guilty maybe it's not really a genuine offer, or maybe you don't think they are really up to it?

I am extremely lucky to have parents who actively offer to look after my DS to save me money on childcare (usually one weekend day, or if I work an extra shift in the week they will normally pick him up from school then but that isn't often), but I certainly don't think it's their responsibility to do so. If they said tomorrow they could no longer help me, I would have to find an alternative.

I would never expect my parents to break plans of their own or put off doing something they wanted to do to look after my DS. If they can't have him then I move my shifts around or add extra days to his after-school club. I think if you're lucky enough to have parents who are willing to do childcare then it should always be on their schedule and never taken for granted.

The last part of your post made me giggle, because my parents are literally on a cruise right now 😂

These threads are so odd. I assumed my parents would help me out. And they did. They go old eventually, and sick. I helped them. No one took advantage. There was no ‘should’ involved. We mostly paid for childcare, but in the early, newborn days ( I had 3 babies in 18 months) they were a godsend. When the kids were older and had a temperature or whatever and couldn’t go to daycare, again, whichever grandparent could step in, did. We muddled through. I consider us a typical family, no relationship issues, etc.

In the past it was grandPARENTS doing the child minding, it was grandMOTHERS. It was womens job to child rear. Women worked at home (and maybe in jobs) till they could do no more, and were then cared for by other women (in the vast vast vast majority of cases).

I'm of the same opinion as you OP, other than perhaps the odd babysitting here and there for an event like a wedding or a big birthday celebration. I do think perhaps a weekend stay when the kids are potty trained/less physically exhausting to look after is not too much of a burden.
There's a real range though - some of my friends really rely on grandparent babysitting multiple times a month. Others have never had any support.

I can't see that looking after dc is incompatible with holidays tbh. Your mum is not being fair expecting care in old age and not helping at all.my dm had to go to a home .it was not possible for her to be at home. I think she is being unreasonable

My grandparents never did childcare. I can only really remember staying over at theirs once or twice in my childhood, and once went in holiday with one set. I had a lovely relationship with them, saw them every 2-3 weeks or so, it they didn't do childcare.

My parents both worked when dd was small, but would babysit sometimes, PILs asked to have dd once a week when small, but we used nursery the rest of the time. Again they sometimes babysat.

Chances are when dd has children we may still be working or she may not live locally. So who knows what will happen. I wouldn't want to be tied to a regular commitment once retired though, as want to travel, etc.

Re looking after parents. We have made financial plans that means we will never be reliant in dd caring for us. We are both happy to use nursing homes if the time comes, and don't want to burden dd (especially as an only child) with that. Likewise, my parents and MIL (FIL has now died) don't expect us to care for them if/when they are too old to live independently.

I have always looked forward to my DTs becoming parents and would plan in my head how best to help with childcare. However, as time hoes on and no sign yet of any grandchildren I realise I may not be physically able for long stints with active toddlers. I am fit and well but I just don’t have the energy that I did, and am advised not to lift heavy loads.
we had the DTs in our early 30s, they will be older parents. As more choose to have children
later the grandparents may simply not be able to offer the help they would like.

Yep. I think family should help. I do think families have an obligation to support each other. I also think it should be reciprocal and I appreciate that when it isn't there are problems.

Mumsnet baffles me with the individualism. I honestly think it's a class thing. I would never see any of my family struggle when I was had time/money/resources to spare.

When my DC were little I met more GPs than mum's at playgroups, playgrounds etc. About half were resentful of being expected to do regular childcare & I had to listen to it constantly.

My MIL wanted to do it when DC were little. Wasn't so interested once they reached school age (admitted she only liked babies/little children). She's unable to now, due to ill health.

My DM isn't interested in babysitting. Just wants to play then leave.

It's their choice but darn it's difficult when we have zero help & then I see my friend drop her kids on her MIL almost every weekend & some weeknights & texts me to complain if MIL is unavailable.

I manage to travel a lot, but still help when I can, by having my DGD when her parents' shifts clash or they have other childcare issues.

But I think we need to be aware that maternal age at childbirth has increased (hugely - in the late '80s, at 30 years old I was the oldest in my ante natal group) so had the age of grandparents, and expecting people in their 70s to be doing regular child care for small children is unfair. I'm 66 and the days that I look after my toddler DGD exhaust me. I love her and I love doing it, but when I read of people older than me doing full time child care, I wince.

OP, your MIL askng to help means she WANTS to have that time with her DGC. Please take her up on it.