Should grandparents help out with grandchildren?

[Magicfeet11]

I've always been of the school of thought that DH and I chose to have our children so looking after them was 100% our job and we shouldn't have any expectation of family to help. All of our parents are retired and we felt they were entitled to freedom to enjoy their retirement rather than stuck helping us out.

Added to that the fact we live a couple of hours drive from each side of the family so much support would have been impractical anyway.

We've always paid for full time childcare, arranged babysitters for the odd night out and generally muddled through illnesses etc between us. It's been ok but both working full time throughout has presented some challenges - we're tired most of the time, have been at breaking point on occasion and enjoy life much less than we used to pre kids.

Then I was reading an article today about having children and how it takes a village to raise them. Lots of the comments were about what it used to to be like before the nuclear family when extended families all lived in close proximity to each other and the kids would be in and out of grandparents and aunts houses and there'd always be someone to watch your kids for an hour if you needed to run an errand etc.
It really got me thinking. Before the baby boomer generation (our parents) presumably there just wasn't an expectation of a long and affluent retirement? Presumably when you retired you just expected to stay at home and help out with the family?
Therefore, have I been wrong all along and actually I shouldn't have felt so reticent to ask for free help from family? My mum made clear she didn't want to help but my MIL has always been willing yet I've always felt guilty about letting her even do bath time and bedtime because I've felt like it makes me look like I'm skiving/shirking my responsibilities...

YABU - grandparents should be off on world cruises rather than getting involved with babysitting grandchildren

YANBU - it does take a village and it's nice when grandparents ease the load by doing the odd bit of babysitting etc

@User57327259

Unfortunately what starts off as help, is soon expected and not even appreciated.

It's all to common sadly.

It depends so much on individual circumstances, but I don't think grandparent have any obligation to look after their grandchildren. If they are willing and able to do so, and it is also what the parents want then that must be very nice. But often not all those criteria are met, and in my observation childcare provided by family can be fraught with difficulties.If you employ someone, you can set out what you want, they tell you what they can provide and then you decide whether those things are compatible or not. It's not that simple with family. There seem to be plenty of theads on here from people complaining that their parents or ILs aren't following what they want for their children or they don't feel their family are respecting boundaries.
I never had the option of childcare from family and in some ways it made things difficult, but in other ways I think it made life simpler!

This is really lovely! Lucky child to have this village and the wise mum who acknowledges it and celebrates it. I can imagine you amass these fellow villagers quite easily, LivingNextDoorToNorma

'It takes a village to raise a child' is one of my least favourite sayings. In my experience, most often used by smug busybody relatives who take great pleasure in telling you what you're doing wrong.

Also by people who can't be arsed to look after their own children.

There was also the post where mum was angry because she came back from her night out and her girl was cuddling to grandma on the sofa because shed screamed in bed and grandma got told off for not trying harder.

If that was my DD or Dil, I'd tell her to get lost. With such attitude, I'm not surprised some don't want to do it.

I think this comes down to individual family cultures. My granny helped with us a lot when we were kids, regular childcare when we were small, school pickups, emergencies and we have a lovely bond as a result. My mum is now very involved in caring for her (although she lives independently and would never expect to move in). Similarly my mum helps loads with my kids and gets a lot out of that. They all adore her and have a beautiful bond independent of me.

In turn I’ll be as available as I can to help my own children with their kids if they need or want that. That is how family works for us. We love each other and if we can make life easier and nicer for one another then we do.

Each to their own. I was fortunate that both my DM and MIL were happy to help out, and did childcare for one day a week each, but I was fortunate to have a flexible job which meant they weren't tied to specific days.

I wouldn't want to be tied down to looking after grandchildren on a regular weekly basis (not entirely sure if I'll ever get any!) but I'll be happy to help out as and when.

Of course it shouldn't be expected and every family is different, i count myself lucky though to have had my mother around to help out when mine were young, she was amazing and my now adult/teen children have a great relationship with her as well because of her involvement with them over the years which is lovely

In my immediate family none of my siblings (or I) live anywhere near our DPs, we'd all moved away in different directions by the time they retired and they then moved (in another direction ) so I've never had the experience or expectation of childcare 'on tap'. Likewise I would hope that my DS moves away from our rather dull, small town to start his career ... so we will be unlikely to be 'local'.
I agree with PPs, so many grandparents look tired and worn out when being expected to do full time childcare, school runs etc ... but frightened to say 'No'. Occasional babysitting is one thing, but expecting anything else is just entitled.

My MIL helped out loads when ours were little around her part time job. FIL was still working full time.
When FIL died, the kids had grown up and only one left at home, MIL came to live with us until she died 10 years later. It wasn't an easy 10 years, but it was the least we could do after she'd helped us out so much

@Magicfeet11 Thank you for this, it's good advice. She often offers and I've recently started taking her up on it a bit more. She seems to really enjoy spending time with the kids and even said she'd have them overnight for us if we wanted to go away etc. Don't think she'd offer if she didn't genuinely want to would she?

No, she definitely wouldn't offer. Take her up on it pronto!

My grandparents looked after us twice a week while my parents went out and we slept over every other Friday or Saturday. That was myself, my brother, my sister and our 7 cousins.

My parents do nothing for either of my kids. They wouldn't even make my eldest a sandwich one lunchtime. My eldest was starving and was crying for them to make him something because they'd told him he wasn't allowed to make his own sandwich. When I came off my work call and asked where was his lunch was and they were stuffing their faces, they told me they didn't know what to put in a sandwich.

Then they told my sister they couldn't visit her for a long weekend because my mental health wasn't great after having my dd and they had to help me with her. My mental health was fine and they've never helped out with her.

I did a lot for my parents, had them over for dinner regularly, looked after my mum after a knee operation and my dad stayed too, sorted physio, pain relief, district nurse to come to my house. I would get their shopping during covid, drop off leftovers they'd ask for. I don't do much for them now. Maybe an occasional request but only if it suits me.

They live nearby.