Should grandparents help out with grandchildren?

[Magicfeet11]

I've always been of the school of thought that DH and I chose to have our children so looking after them was 100% our job and we shouldn't have any expectation of family to help. All of our parents are retired and we felt they were entitled to freedom to enjoy their retirement rather than stuck helping us out.

Added to that the fact we live a couple of hours drive from each side of the family so much support would have been impractical anyway.

We've always paid for full time childcare, arranged babysitters for the odd night out and generally muddled through illnesses etc between us. It's been ok but both working full time throughout has presented some challenges - we're tired most of the time, have been at breaking point on occasion and enjoy life much less than we used to pre kids.

Then I was reading an article today about having children and how it takes a village to raise them. Lots of the comments were about what it used to to be like before the nuclear family when extended families all lived in close proximity to each other and the kids would be in and out of grandparents and aunts houses and there'd always be someone to watch your kids for an hour if you needed to run an errand etc.
It really got me thinking. Before the baby boomer generation (our parents) presumably there just wasn't an expectation of a long and affluent retirement? Presumably when you retired you just expected to stay at home and help out with the family?
Therefore, have I been wrong all along and actually I shouldn't have felt so reticent to ask for free help from family? My mum made clear she didn't want to help but my MIL has always been willing yet I've always felt guilty about letting her even do bath time and bedtime because I've felt like it makes me look like I'm skiving/shirking my responsibilities...

YABU - grandparents should be off on world cruises rather than getting involved with babysitting grandchildren

YANBU - it does take a village and it's nice when grandparents ease the load by doing the odd bit of babysitting etc

My maternal grandparents did tons of childcare for my parents and my aunts. They picked us up from school everyday and would've had us at weekends. It was the norm where I live (Ireland). My parents now do school pickups every day for my siblings kids, and they've just had my nephews for the weekend. The grandkids have sleepovers just for fun probably once every few months. They have never said no and actually ask if they can help us- they like to be doing things.

We relocated from the UK a few years back and having close extended family was the main reason. My dc has benefited from having grandparents/ aunts/ uncles and cousins around.

Is it as quid pro quo as that though? My DM has made clear I'm 100% responsible for her and her care in her elderly years and she absolutely will not go into a home. On your measure I should say I'm not helping her because she never lifted a finger with my kids... I just don't know if that's right

There's no way I would do the above if we didn't have the relationship where they would help me.

I think what you're not including is that back in the days of the 'boomer generation' it was more common for only one parent (the man) to work. So childcare in it's current guise probably wasn't needed so much.

Personally, I went into parenting knowing we'd be doing it all. PIL are disabled and my own parents aren't really physically up to anything beyond sitting downstairs while my primary aged kids are in bed.

DH and I also both come from large families. PIL alone have 12 grand and great grandchildren. There's no way PIL could offer enough childcare for everyone without opening a nursery!

Just to add, my Nan lived with my Auntie in her old age so I she got looked after when she was old by her daughter. Hand on heart I'd do that for my mum but I can't see a time where I'd ever be willing to have PILs living with me.

I think your mum may be taking the pee a little, won't help you but expects you to take care of her in place of a home?! 🤔

I think neither voting option is accurate tbh

Some grandparents, like myself, love looking after grandchildren and being involved in their lives. If your MIL has offered to help she might be very happy when you take her up on the offer and let her do bedtime etc. Another point is not all of us baby boomers have affluent retirements. Don't believe everything you read in the press.

how on earth people can expect them to give up their own jobs/pension additions, etc to look after their children for free is quite selfish and entitled imo.

Does anyone actually expect that though?

She actually says it's my duty as her daughter and I don't have a choice 🤷

On MN no grandparents ever look after grandchildren, it’s CF to even imagine it, and grandparents should be given maximum access at all times but only on their terms.

In the real world, parents want to help their own kids out, being a GP doesn’t stop you caring for your own kids, financial survival dictates in many families that families help, kids help out their parents in hundreds of ways too without requiring payment, and many GP love the 1 on 1 time with their GC.

But the short answer is that one size doesn’t fit all. No one should do something they don’t want to, but if they don’t want to “provide childcare” even an hour or two, then GP will have to accept less time with the GC, potentially closer relationships with more hands on GP etc etc.

This.

I can only remember my Nan having me once, and I had to walk to her house, when I was ill and DM had to work.
DF’s parents never baby sat me.

Grandparents should, without judgement, be allowed to decide how involved they want to be in their dgc lives and especially if they want to commit to regular childcare.

Children should be allowed to decide how much care they can give their parents in their old age without judgement.

Neither should be expected in exchange for, or worse revenge for not, providing the other.

if grandparents can help out occasionally, that can make life easier for the parents and provide a good opportunity for bonding with the grandchildren. The emphasis there is on occasionally. That shouldn’t interfere with grandparents living full lives. The occasional night of babysitting or helping out in an emergency is very different than providing regular all day care so the parents can work without paying for child care.

The odd bit of babysitting sure.

Regular childcare absolutely not.

You absolutely have a choice with your mother and are under no obligation to care for her. This is regardless of any help she may or may not give with your children. I suggest your time would be well spent in learning to say "no"!

No never had help. My friend was say son expects alot help now thats not fair either. We help our mam. But have our own families too so people should be realistic....

Thank you for this, it's good advice. She often offers and I've recently started taking her up on it a bit more. She seems to really enjoy spending time with the kids and even said she'd have them overnight for us if we wanted to go away etc. Don't think she'd offer if she didn't genuinely want to would she?

I don’t think ‘it takes a village’ means that grandparents, should ‘help out’ with grandchildren. I think it more means that everyone who comes into regular contact with a child, plays a role in shaping who they are.

My mil doesn’t provide regular childcare (although she would always help if we needed her). But she was here this morning rocking and singing to my 4 month old, while she and I had coffee. She is an important and wonderful part of our village. My mum works full time, she doesn’t have the time (or energy) to provide regular childcare. But spend a few hours every other Saturday all together.

‘It takes a village’ is more than that, though. It’s the TA who took her time to really get to know my eldest, and made all the difference to him starting school. It’s the lady who cuts his hair, who lets him talk her ear off every time he has a trim. It my husband’s friend, who always has a random superhero fact to reel off when we see him. It’s our neighbour who lets him stroke her dog when we meet her out walking.

The old school village (in and out of each other’s houses etc) doesn’t really exist anymore, simply because our lifestyles have changed. But the people positively influencing our children are still there, they just aren’t necessarily doing so by babysitting.

Oh yes!!

Have a read of this, it's shocking

So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥 http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4321209-So-worried-and-just-want-to-keep-the-peace

I think you should let them help you if they offer. And it's fine to ask as well although it should remain their choice. We don't have much help due to where we live. But I will ask occasionally and they will help if they can.

The village thing is long past now. Life then was much harder, there was much more manual labour. People died younger, those surviving were not necessarily in good health. Childcare standards were not the same, children were expected to work from age 5 and left to get on with it the rest of the time. Any help with childcare would be in exchange for the younger fitter mother taking on heavy chores such as laundry or farming or other work and financially supporting the older generation.

Getting regular help from grandparents with nothing in exchange as many seem to have now would not have happened.

In previous generations people who were too old to work had no income so would have been supported by the younger generation or gone into the workhouse.

There was a brief period in the last few decades when many older women didn't work and got a pension so had the freedom to offer help without any material reward

I’d vote a bit of both. It’s not fair that they take on full time childcare but it’s nice when they help out with sleepovers and babysitting. Mine are grown now but they had a lovely relationship with DM who picked them up from scratch one day a week and babysat occasionally. She was also the only person I was happy with them sleeping over when they were under 10.

School not scratch

It's not really about grand'parents' though is it OP? When people talk about GP's helping with childcare, they really mean grandmothers. Even in your OP you don't mention your DCs GF's.

Females are expected to help out with younger siblings in their teens, then they do the majority of the childcare for their own children, then are expected to look after their grandchildren, presumably until the sweet release of death 🙄

Why do we assume that women have fuck all else better to do (or god forbid do nothing) than raise other peoples kids?

No it shouldn't be expected, but grandparents shouldn't moan if they don't have a good bond with the grandchildren because they don't get to see them much, and they shouldn't expect parents who work full time to give up their weekend each week so they can see the grandkids (which if it is anything like mine, consists of shopping and errands for some of it anyway). I think for most people they have a good arrangement, but I think you do get the odd occasion where one party expects too much of the other.

I don't know of any friends of mine who AREN'T helping out with their grandchildren. It's so tough for parents these days, and we all love the kiddos (adult and little ones) so we do it because it's a joy