Should grandparents help out with grandchildren?

[Magicfeet11]

I've always been of the school of thought that DH and I chose to have our children so looking after them was 100% our job and we shouldn't have any expectation of family to help. All of our parents are retired and we felt they were entitled to freedom to enjoy their retirement rather than stuck helping us out.

Added to that the fact we live a couple of hours drive from each side of the family so much support would have been impractical anyway.

We've always paid for full time childcare, arranged babysitters for the odd night out and generally muddled through illnesses etc between us. It's been ok but both working full time throughout has presented some challenges - we're tired most of the time, have been at breaking point on occasion and enjoy life much less than we used to pre kids.

Then I was reading an article today about having children and how it takes a village to raise them. Lots of the comments were about what it used to to be like before the nuclear family when extended families all lived in close proximity to each other and the kids would be in and out of grandparents and aunts houses and there'd always be someone to watch your kids for an hour if you needed to run an errand etc.
It really got me thinking. Before the baby boomer generation (our parents) presumably there just wasn't an expectation of a long and affluent retirement? Presumably when you retired you just expected to stay at home and help out with the family?
Therefore, have I been wrong all along and actually I shouldn't have felt so reticent to ask for free help from family? My mum made clear she didn't want to help but my MIL has always been willing yet I've always felt guilty about letting her even do bath time and bedtime because I've felt like it makes me look like I'm skiving/shirking my responsibilities...

YABU - grandparents should be off on world cruises rather than getting involved with babysitting grandchildren

YANBU - it does take a village and it's nice when grandparents ease the load by doing the odd bit of babysitting etc

Regular childcare should never be an expectation but I do think bits here and there should be offered.

My parents live nowhere near but when they come and stay or we stay there I'll get an hour here or there to either have a lie in, go to the gym. Or they will take them to feed the ducks so I can lounge in some peace and quiet.

Last time I was at my parents my stepdad had all 4 grandchildren whilst my mum, step sister and me all went out together. Everyone had a great time and my kids still talk about their adventure months later.

It's great bonding time for them and it's not so regular that it's interfering with their own lives. That is what a grandparent should be in my eyes and what mine were to me and I'll always cherish those memories.

I think it's really sad if a grandparent can't do that unless they have health issues that prevent them.

No. Just no.

The odd nights babysitting or pickup from school for an afternoon is fine but full time is horrendously unfair.

The whole "but we can't work if you don't mind them", "we cannot afford childcare", "you have to take them, we have no choice" bollox really gets my goat.

Your parents retirement and time of life when they should be relaxing and taking it easy is completely hijacked and they are thrust into becoming parents to small children again when they have already done it first time around. You see them every day, tired, aging people in Asda trying to wrestle a tantruming 2 year old into a trolley. Drop off's at 7.30 in the morning till 6 at night. Taking the absolute PISS of your parents for free childcare. Then comes more children until there are 2 or 3 to contend with and guess what? " I am off maternity leave now Mum, I will drop all 3 to you for 7.30 in the morn, set your clock"
Anyone who does this is an entitled, selfish TWAT.

And in regard to those saying that parents should not be entitled to care from you when they get old if they don't look after your kids? They looked after you didn't they? They raised you, took care of you when you couldn't do things for yourself and now you want them to do that twice to earn you helping them out when they are old and infirmed. God the selfishness and entitlement is stomach churning.

Imagine putting that kind of burden on your parents...Hey we have to work so your life as you know it is over on weekdays...suck it up. Here's a few kids for ya...start all over again full time from scratch and for free. You absolute bellends.

I think the idea that grandparents looked after their grandchildren in previous generations is a myth. I grew up in the 1950s and that didn't happen then. Some may have but it wasn't the norm. My mum paid various neighbours for after school care until we were old enough to look after ourselves.

My parents did not provide childcare for me in the 1970s and 1980s. The did the odd weekend but I never expected them to do more. I also cared for both of them until they died as I had already taken early retirement to care for my husband who had a terminal illness. It was hard going but I am glad I did it. They were such lovely parents I couldn't have turned my back on them. I hate all this transactional stuff.

I don’t think they should but you reap what you sow. One set have a great relationship with the DC, the other don’t. You get out what you put in!

My grandparents on my dad's side helped with childcare for my oldest brother for the first 3 years because he was the first grandchild and my parents were only 18. My grandmother was in her mid 40s and was at home with my 3 year old uncle when he was born. My parents both worked full time. After they had more children my dad worked during the day and my mum worked evenings and Saturdays so somebody was always at home for us. My grandparents helped with odd days for fun but there was no expectation for them to provide regular free childcare for all of the grandchildren. My dad had a lot of siblings. Some had children in their 20s, others in their 30s. My grandparents would have been offering childcare for nearly 30 years if they were expected to offer childcare for every grandchild.

The issue as I read it here all the time is that grand parents involvement in the grand kids life really means parents wanting a break from the kids which is fine, but then comes with a lot of expectations and requirements. They should do the travelling, put the kids to bed when it suits parents, not give any treats, not do this and that etc...

I hope to have quite an involvement in my grand children's life in the future and yes, I'll be happy to 'help'. But I don't expect it to be just that. I expect to build a bond of my own for with my grand children, one that might be a bit different to how their parents deal with them. Not talking extreme differences, just a little bit of freedom.

If all I get is 'can you look after X tomorrow but you can't do 'list of 100 items', than it will be no thank you.

My grand mother looked after me one day a week and during holidays but had complete freedom to do what she wanted. I have the best memories of these days. She was quite different to my mum. I could separate the two perfectly and there was no confusion.

We did a bit of babysitting, but we've bought up children, and now it's our time.

We have our own friends and interests.

If you have children, then it's up to you to look after them.

Some GPs, of course, are more than happy to look after their GCs though, and that's different.🙂

Having survived bringing up kids with minimal help from grandparents (one set too far away, the other not that helpful), I fully intend to be as helpful as I can if I am lucky enough to be a grandparent. You don't have to sign up for weekly childcare, but you should be prepared yo help in an emergency. In my view, any grandparent who won't do that is lacking in empathy and is a poor excuse for a grandparent.

This exactly

when extended families all lived in close proximity to each other and the kids would be in and out of grandparents and aunts houses and there'd always be someone to watch your kids for an hour if you needed to run an errand etc.

This is exactly how my family is both my side and in laws and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being a daily part of my grandkids' lives and having them in and out of my house. I grew up abroad and had no extended family close to hand. I know which I prefer

I don't think there should be any expectations but I don't quite get how they don't want to? Surely they remember how hard it was and helping out a few hours a week isn't prohibitive to the grandparents having their own time?! To be honest seeing how little GP are willing to help us out makes me quite sure we won't be prioritising the grandkids visiting them in the care home at their time of need.

I hope I remember how hard this period was, and when my own kids have children, I will be on hand to help as much as possible. I'll have plenty of time for 'me time' when they're in their 20s. It's backbreaking work trying to juggle work and looking after kids and I won't let my own children be as tired and stressed as I have been, if I can make their life a little bit easier I will.

No they shouldn't be an expectation of grand parents to mind their grandchildren. If they want to do it, that is fine. In my situation my mil told me before I had any children that she will not be minding mine which was not very nice the way she did it. A few months later, she started minding kids so when I was expecting a year later my husband ask her to mind our kid despite I did not really want her to do it because of her comments but husband was adamant that he wanted her mum to do it. We paid her, she did not do it for free and if i had to put my kid to a proper register childminder I will have paid only £ 5 more a week so it is not like she was doing us a huge favour financially. She refused to bring our kid to playschool who was only a 5 mn walk from her house when my job was relocated to another school and therefore couldn't bring my kid anymore. I had to go to the owner to say that I could no longer have my kid in her school. She could not understand why my mil which is her neighbour could not do it, owner told me not to remove my son that she will do the collection and bring it back from my Mil as it is such a short walk from the school. But what was annoying me the most is Mil telling all her family how she was great minding her grand child. One of her brother commented to me that I should be grateful of my mil to be such a wonderful woman in order for us to be able to save money and we should really compensate her and not take advantage. I replied to him that we paid her more or less the going rate and if it was my decision my kid will have been mind by a registered childcare provider. MIL went bright red as of course she never mentioned she was getting paid. When our second was born, I put both of them in a creche setting as I did not want the hassle and to be honest it was piece of mind for me gave excuse that 2 under 5 will be too much for her to handle. In contrast my own mother do anything for her grandchildren but unfortunately for me she live in another country.

@ThatsNotMyMuffin I would want to help my children too, it might not be regular childcare as I will still be working, but I'd want to help in emergencies and so they are able to have a break and go out. I don't understand the mindset of not wanting to help at all, I understand why someone wouldn't want to do weekly childcare in the longer term, but I don't understand why they wouldn't want to offer occasionally even a few times a year. I hope I will have more empathy for my children when they are grown up and if they have children of their own. Parenting is hard and it's nice to have empathy and support.

There's been so many cases on here of sons and daughters taking the absolute piss out of their parents, expecting free full-time childcare.

I posted this earlier but it's worth posting again.

This poor woman's son/DIL demanding 4 days a week, and expected her to give up her job, calling her "selfish" - oh the irony.

When she replied she loves her job, the DIL helpfully suggested she doesn't need the money, and anyway she could work nights leaving her free for childcare all day!!

So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥 http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4321209-So-worried-and-just-want-to-keep-the-peace

Both options are so binary. I don’t think it should be expected but I think it’s nice for them to be involved as much as they are happy to be. Every situation will be different.

We don’t really have any help. ILs love the GC but won’t put themselves out at all to help - so they love spending time with them if they are brought to them on a convenient day at a convenient time (we don’t live close and they would never visit). I actually find that adds to the burden more than anything as facilitating a relationship is on our shoulders but they offer nothing practical in return. My parents, for various reasons, offer very limited help.

I don’t know how much I’ll be around for any GC I have. A lot would depend on when they are born - being a 60 year old grandparent is presumably quite different to being an 85 year old one. In an ideal world I’ll give my children enough space to raise their own family but be very much part of their lives.

Grandparents shouldn't have to do anything, but I don't really understand not wanting too!

I still live where I grew up, so do my family and a wide circle of friends (London). It was like my children was raised by a village and it was fabulous. I even managed to work (shifts) as a single parent by swapping the children with another person also working shifts.

My parents were.very involved in all their grandkids lives - adhock babysitting and taking them on holidays.

I think make it clear from the start. My friend was say the son wants more now childcare.. My mum never helped us but expects everyone to run after her now. So its hard not to feel peeved. But mine dont need childcare now

Tbh I think it is. She's not willing to help you when you need it but gully expects you to help her when she needs it. No. I wouldn't, caring for an elderly parent full time takes a huge burden. All so she can enjoy her life to the fullest. What about you enjoying your life?

Grandparents are not obliged to help with grandchildren. Mine didn't, and I'm 54. My parents and ILs also did not help - partly because they both lived in a different country to us but also because we would not have expected it anyway. And neither expected me to take them in and care for them in their old age either.

I have two DC - if they have kids and are nearby, I'll help when I can (but may well still be working) but that's all. And I have zero expectation of them taking me in when I need care - I'll go to Switzerland if it comes to that.

Swings and roundabouts really, no one is obliged to help, whether that is with childcare or elderly care. What goes around comes around imo.

@maddening
Swings and roundabouts really, no one is obliged to help, whether that is with childcare or elderly care. What goes around comes around imo.

If only this was true. I had help from my parents with my children and later I helped my parents in their old age. When my children had their own children I helped with babysitting while they worked. None of them worked 9-5, it was all anti social hours jobs. I did everything I could including helping with cleaning the house and various other stuff.
I had DGC 3 days one week and 4 days the alternative week and it was fine. I enjoyed their company and our outings.
Then I was involved in an accident. I was in hospital overnight but was good to go the next day, sent home by patient transfer. DGC were dropped off rather than I went to pick them up. About a week later I was due back at the hospital but I had to do that alone. I thought if I had ever needed help (I actually just wanted to be accompanied I did not need carried about or anything) the DC would have been fine with that. Clearly not. The doctor was outraged that I was still babysitting despite injuries. I then learned I was really just being taken advantage of for babysitting and no-one really cared about my welfare. I think I took the appropriate action. What I sent round certainly did not come back to me.

The thing is, a grandparent can provide childcare and still be without elder care. For all talk of swings and roundabouts, there are plenty of people left in nursing homes despite what they may or may not have done for their family. That said, people shouldn’t put childcare, or eldercare, expectations on anyone else. It’s your responsibility to provide care for the children you choose to have, and it’s your responsibility to organise the care you want when you’re elderly.

I don’t think anyone particularly needs to ‘understand’ why anyone else chooses to provide care, or doesn’t. We’re all different and we all want different things out of life. There’s nothing wrong in that.