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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she being unreasonable about holidays?

209 replies

Giveme2gins · 21/05/2022 00:10

I have a sibling who lives abroad in Australia. He wanted to come home on holidays and it was his plan for months to come home this summer on holidays. My mom was cleaning the house in preparation for his return home.

He called home recently to say he's taking his fiancée and child. We met his fiancée before and she is a beautiful lady through and through. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Now my mom is apprehensive about him coming home. She is upset and anxious. We don't have the best of homes. It's ok. It's a roof over our heads. I was helping mom cleaning.

Now she doesn't want them coming home. She says she will get me to look for a holiday home for their stay and she will pay. I had a nightmare online all night looking for a place for them to stay but honestly I am having no luck whatsoever. I actually feel sick. The only places available are actually costing 1000s for a month.

Mom went to bed and she said we will look again tomorrow. I really don't think my mom is understanding me. Accommodations is is not available. Summer rentals would have been booked months ago and months in advance. My mom is expecting me to find a place out of thin air and within her budget. Three times toniishe asked me about the local apartments. Those apartments were always long term rentals and they are not available. She is expecting me to magic a home out of thin air. I don't get this though. The space is available at home. It's not the best quality but it's ok. Some cleaning over the next few more weeks and it should be better. My mom is flat out turning down the idea of now having them stay at home nor will she tell them what her stance is on this. It's all a mess. I think she's just being nervous but I think it will fall into place of they do come home. When they do come back and if they stay at home, they won't be here all the time. They will be going away here and there.

OP posts:
Cstring · 21/05/2022 00:15

You need to tell your mom to be realistic about what’s available as rental properties.
your sibling is going to feel upset at the change of arrangements and fiancé will feel unwanted.

NoSquirrels · 21/05/2022 00:15

We don't have the best of homes. It's ok. It's a roof over our heads. I was helping mom cleaning.

It's not the best quality but it's ok. Some cleaning over the next few more weeks and it should be better.

Are you being totally honest with yourself about the state of the house? You mention cleaning A LOT and that sounds like not a normal amount for guests in a few weeks. Your mum is anxious for a reason, but assume?

Original poster
Giveme2gins · 21/05/2022 00:21

NoSquirrels · 21/05/2022 00:15

We don't have the best of homes. It's ok. It's a roof over our heads. I was helping mom cleaning.

It's not the best quality but it's ok. Some cleaning over the next few more weeks and it should be better.

Are you being totally honest with yourself about the state of the house? You mention cleaning A LOT and that sounds like not a normal amount for guests in a few weeks. Your mum is anxious for a reason, but assume?

I grew up in poverty so a lot of the property was neglected. There is some good rooms in the house. My has some hoarding stuff going on. Like there's boxes the size of coffins filled with stuff.

Some reorganising though and there should be some space.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 21/05/2022 00:25

But your brother knows what the house is like presumably?

HeddaGarbled · 21/05/2022 00:26

Ah, bless her, she’s anxious that your home isn’t good enough for guests. There’s a world of difference between her own son and someone she’d like to make a good impression on.

Could they pay for their own accommodation?

I’d go through the motions of looking, show her the prices of what’s available and be reassuring about hosting in your own home. Don’t be cross with her - this is a big deal for her.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 21/05/2022 00:27

To be honest I think it sounds like an air b’n’b would be a good thing. Your description of a few weeks of cleaning, hoarding and “there should be some space” after a bit of organising would suggest your perception of how bad it is is a little skewed.

If your mum is happy to pay and that will make her less anxious then help her to find somewhere

Original poster
Giveme2gins · 21/05/2022 00:35

I am in Ireland. The housing situation is DIRE. Long term and short term accommodation is not available. It really is at an all time low.

I made numerous enquiries about short term accommodation tonight but I got nowhere so far and I am waiting on replies back. I checked air BnBs too. There's nothing available for a continuous month.

I know my brother so well. He's not going to be a month solid at home. He's going to tour about the place so there will be some gaps here and there where they won't be at home.

OP posts:
MarmiteCoriander · 21/05/2022 00:38

How long ago did your brother leave the family home? Surely he knows your mum is a hoarder and the state the home will be in- or is this a new change in your mum? Do you still live in the family home too- or elsewhere? I'd speak to your brother about your mums anxiety and issues and suggest they book their own hotel/Air BNB.

Out of interest, are you American, hence write it as Mom? I thought the British word was Mum? I'm not British, hence wondering why you are spelling like that?

Original poster
Giveme2gins · 21/05/2022 00:42

When my mom said she wants to find a place and she will pay, she wasn't expecting to see quotes and prices going into the thousands. The cheapest was 2800 a month and there were prices going up to 18,000 a month. We don't have that money. She was hoping to find a place for a 1000 with 1500 max.

OP posts:
thevanilla · 21/05/2022 00:49

Well it’s her home so she’s not being unreasonable to decide who stays and who doesn’t

itstrue · 21/05/2022 00:52

Can you put that £1000 into home renovation /off site storage to get it to a place where she would be comfortable having them visit?

Hunderland · 21/05/2022 00:58

If she's a hoarder you'll need either professional help or an iron will.

It sound like you have a lot of work ahead of you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2022 01:01

Home swap? That's if Australia are letting tourist in right now. I bet someone in your area would love a place in Oz for a month.

KenAdams · 21/05/2022 01:06

She's likely just overwhelmed at the task ahead of her. That Stacey Solomon programme has some great tips to get you started.

Original poster
Giveme2gins · 21/05/2022 01:15

KenAdams · 21/05/2022 01:06

She's likely just overwhelmed at the task ahead of her. That Stacey Solomon programme has some great tips to get you started.

I think some OCD has set in with my mom. She has some rooms torn upside down trying to air them even though they are not bad and they don't smell bad. The sitting room is unusable because she decided to put storage behind the TV, the the couch and chairs around and side ways and put in more storage. The bed is dismantled in the spare room. I think some work of putting some shape to the rooms and it would be ok.

OP posts:
mytrueaccount · 21/05/2022 01:24

Seems to me you should talk to your brother, tell him what you said in your OP and let him decide what will work best. Maybe he wants his gf to see his family as it is. Maybe she grew up in worse. Maybe he can afford a more expensive BnB. Really it's not your problem; let him decide.

shiningstar2 · 21/05/2022 01:28

If your mum has hoarding tendancies I can understand the difference she feels between her own son, who is used to his home CV ominf and guests who be she might feel will judge her.
Just to a thought, could she pay for storage for the excess 'stuff' and get it out of the way for now. She could get it out box by box after. They've gone to have a proper sort out when she can face it
Once the excess boxes ext are out of the way, especially in the living room, it will he far easier to give the place a good seeing to.
Storage, sold by the week or the month would be far cheaper than trying to hire holiday accommodation and you can get on straight away with the clean up

shiningstar2 · 21/05/2022 01:30

Sorry for typos.About to doze off but I think you get my drift 😀

MildlyMiserable · 21/05/2022 01:33

Tell your Mum you’ll put her boxes in storage until they’re gone back, and you can give the house a good old spring clean, put the bed back together and do a sort out, maybe take her to Dunnes for some new bed linen and sofa cushions - much cheaper than a months rent when they will be flittering about the country anyway. Good luck with your task, Irish mammies are hard to sway!!

Natty13 · 21/05/2022 02:02

She is adamant that she won't have him to stay but also adamant she won't tell him this. So what's her plan if you tell her you won't get involved?

Anyway, if I was you I'd just keep quietly working on the house with her and give her time to get used to the idea of them staying. I'd also talk to your brother and tell him how she feels and let him reassure her.

LicoricePizza · 21/05/2022 02:30

I can hear how stressful this is for you - you’re being put in an impossible position & being compelled to take responsibility for fixing this which is not really fair on you. I’m not sure your mum will be able to put her stuff in storage because it’s not that simple if she has ocd & hoarding tendencies to just move things about. If it was she’d be able to face doing it for your brother’s visit. You have to get her to accept that there is no accomodation nearby - anywhere near in her budget. Show her everything you’ve enquired about. And then hand the responsibility for this back to her. She needs to fix this at least in terms of finding a solution. She maybe just needs some time for it to sink in that the thing she’s been clinging onto to relieve her of the anxiety & stress & shame she’s feeling about them staying, is actually really not viable.
They are still going to want to come & visit presumably even if they do stay elsewhere, in which case your mum’s difficulties are going to be evident for them to see anyway.

Have you tried looking for more affordable available accommodation in a larger city or other area to you?
Campsites?

You cld reassure your mum that your brother will be understanding if he knows that she’s been struggling a bit lately & if he knew how much anxiety this is giving her he’d be more than happy to try to help.

Eg he might be able to add to what she can afford to get them somewhere to stay or even be in a position to pay for them entirely?

Good luck 🍀

StoppinBy · 21/05/2022 02:53

I can see this from the other side.

When I met my now hubby and went to his parent's house (he spent most weekends there so we spent a lot of time there) it was a bit of a shock.

Stuff everywhere and the house in a state of quite disrepair.

The house smelled, it was cluttered and hard to move round in properly, if I am honest it was uncomfortable.

They are now in a different house on the same property (family members passed and they inherited the 'new' (also in need of repair but never going to happen) house.

The new house is just as cluttered, smelly and uncomfortable. Staying there is impossible due to the stuff in the bedrooms and the build up of mold in the 'spare room' but they still expect us to stay there as they don't see the issue.

Is it possible that you are just not seeing what is there or do you genuinely think that it can be fixed in a few weeks.

If you think it can be fixed, perhaps the money would be better spent on professional cleaners/organisers and some house repairs which would be of more benefit long term too.

I can tell you from experience, it is off putting and uncomfortable to be in/ live in other people's mess that has built up over years and outsiders, no matter how kind (my MIL will never know how I feel as I would never show or say anything) they are they will not see things the same as you do.

CheesusTheSaviour · 21/05/2022 02:59

I wouldn't want yo stay in the house of a hoarder, sorry.
Could the 1k be spent hiring (buying?) A campervan?

DockOTheBay · 21/05/2022 03:32

CheesusTheSaviour · 21/05/2022 02:59

I wouldn't want yo stay in the house of a hoarder, sorry.
Could the 1k be spent hiring (buying?) A campervan?

£1k wouldn't be enough to rent a camper for a month. A quick Google suggests £150 per night in high season at my local one. Plus they'll all be booked up for the summer. And buying a campervan big enough for 2 adults and a child for £1000 is not realistic. Even those tiny bongo ones go for more like £5k and I wouldn't want to live in that for more than a couple of days.

OP I think you need to speak to your brother. He may be able to change his mind about bringing the family, or chip in towards suitable accommodation.

Wallywobbles · 21/05/2022 04:53

What would it take to shift ALL the stuff at home? Even if it just went into storage? I think your mum is right that it would be horrible to stay in a hoarders house and you are not really seeing that.

Could you get movers / man with a van to remove everything then paint walls and clean? Rather than just shifting shite around.