Is she being unreasonable about holidays?

[Giveme2gins]

I have a sibling who lives abroad in Australia. He wanted to come home on holidays and it was his plan for months to come home this summer on holidays. My mom was cleaning the house in preparation for his return home.

He called home recently to say he's taking his fiancée and child. We met his fiancée before and she is a beautiful lady through and through. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Now my mom is apprehensive about him coming home. She is upset and anxious. We don't have the best of homes. It's ok. It's a roof over our heads. I was helping mom cleaning.

Now she doesn't want them coming home. She says she will get me to look for a holiday home for their stay and she will pay. I had a nightmare online all night looking for a place for them to stay but honestly I am having no luck whatsoever. I actually feel sick. The only places available are actually costing 1000s for a month.

Mom went to bed and she said we will look again tomorrow. I really don't think my mom is understanding me. Accommodations is is not available. Summer rentals would have been booked months ago and months in advance. My mom is expecting me to find a place out of thin air and within her budget. Three times toniishe asked me about the local apartments. Those apartments were always long term rentals and they are not available. She is expecting me to magic a home out of thin air. I don't get this though. The space is available at home. It's not the best quality but it's ok. Some cleaning over the next few more weeks and it should be better. My mom is flat out turning down the idea of now having them stay at home nor will she tell them what her stance is on this. It's all a mess. I think she's just being nervous but I think it will fall into place of they do come home. When they do come back and if they stay at home, they won't be here all the time. They will be going away here and there.

There's nothing available for a continuous month.

I know my brother so well. He's not going to be a month solid at home. He's going to tour about the place so there will be some gaps here and there where they won't be at home.

Then different Air bnbs are perfect - you don’t need a continuous month.

Honestly, I think your mum might be right. It doesn’t sound like a place for your brother and his wife she’s never met to stay.

Talk to your brother in confidence. Say ‘Mum is struggling a lot with the house, its not going to be in a good enough state to put you and your wife up and it’s having a bad effect on her mental health thinking about it. When it was just you she’d thought it would be OK but she’s in a complete anxious spiral now. She has 1,000E towards accommodation for you both- can you sort out some air bnbs for when you want to stay nearby? I know you’ll be travelling around.’

Just seen there’s a child coming too. I think you need that conversation with your brother ASAP. Your poor mum.

@Giveme2gins if your mum is prepared to spend 1 to 1.5K on accommodation, could she spend that in getting professional cleaning/decluttering or a decorator?

It’s fair enough that the mum decides who stays in her house, but it’s really rough that the home was offered to him, he has booked and international flight (not refundable likely) and now she is saying he can’t stay. If it was from the outset that’s totally understandable and he could have made a decision on whether or not to visit given he would have had to get other accommodation in peak season. It’s very rough to do that now as he is not long off getting on a (likely non refundable) flight and say situation has changed, everything is booked out so either a bench in the park or thousands in peak accommodation that was not part of the plan when the flight was booked! If that was my mum I don’t know many ways to come back from that really.

The house obviously hasn’t become like this between the time the offer was made and now. I think the best thing to do is for the mum to come clean so he has a chance to try and see if he can convert to another flight to a different destination for a non-family holiday. There will no doubt be lots of extra fees he will need to suck up (airlines screw you to the max for the slightest of changes) but that seems the only option at this point.

Any future family get-togethers would be best in a neutral location, hiring a villa in Spain or similar to avoid such a shit-fest.

Instead of spending money on accommodation can that money be spent on getting the house sorted? That’s surely going to be far more beneficial in the long run. Can you hire some help to get the rooms organised, take stuff to the skip and do a deep clean?

Rent a storage container for a month. Move all the crap to the container. Make the rooms habitable.

Take some pics send them to your brother. Explain the situation and tell
him to sort out an alternative? Not your responsibility? He may be ok
with staying in the house but he needs to speak to your mum.

Talk to your brother!

Thanks for the replies. The current issue isn't so much the hoarding. She has rooms turned upside down from cleaning and airing every thing. If the rooms were put back together it wouldn't be too bad. There is some storage but I have some of those Amazon vaccum bags and they will be a huge space saver. I will be able to get some boxes compacted down.

I think my mom is anxious about sharing the kitchen. Honestly though I think it can be done.

My mom is just terrible at planning. This isn't the first time she made problems from planning things.

I came clean and told her there was a plan for him to take his child home and I was asked to stay quiet she got mad at me saying 'you can't be doing that' but I had my room sorted to give up to the child I was going to sleep in a recliner for a month.

There's thing now too. If she is successful at finding a place she doesn't even want her grandchild staying for a sleepover. This is the second time in that child's life we can spend some time with her and mom is creating problems in her mind where there is none.

My mom is trying to get me to magic a place out of thin air and it's so stressful. The accommodations is not there. I will keep looking today but I think the time would be better spent cleaning and tidying. This is an impossible task. It's already summer season. The time to book accommodation was months ago. I found some local holiday homes last night that would be suitable but it was all booked.

My mom went to bed last night and she wants me to keep an eye on several apartment blocks in the surrounding villages and in the nearby city and honestly that can of stuff is more like long term and nothing free.

With airBNB, I found that there's some dates available here and there in some places but there's nothing available for a continuous month. Mom isn't able to grasp this nor do I think it's suitable to go in and out places especially with a child.

Honestly the whole thing was last minute and it's such a mess and I don't have what it takes to fix this.

I talked to my own fiance and he thinks all of this is ridiculous from my mom. He has his head screwed on. He said finding accommodation now is not going to be easy and he said the space is there at home. He does see an issue.

I think if I was to brainstorm and clean the sitting room and browse on IKEA I could turn a corner in the sitting room into a breakfast area. There is a decent mini fridge already.

The whole thing is a mess. It's not like it was years ago where you can find accommodation within days of needing something.

Mom is just anxious because she wants the place pristine even though we never grew up like that.

You need to talk to your brother. Your mum is spiralling. Possibly for good reason.

I had a similar experience to @StoppinBy with ex’s family home. He didn’t warn me fear it was like and it was really really awful. The loo didn’t flush, the carpets were damp, ceilings were mouldy and peeling and flaking, the smell was horrifying in places. I put up with it for short visits a few times a year but if I’d had a child with me I’d have walked out the first time and not gone back and insisted on staying in a b&b instead.

I was going to give up my bed for the the child and I now that I know the fiancée is coming I can give up my room and move into the spare room for the time and it would work then.

All that needs to be done is to reorganise the rooms she has turned upside down. The sitting room is a state because she has the couch turned one way, the coffee table pushed to the wall, storage behtthe TV, chairs turned sideways, storage on tope of everything else.

Some vacuum bags and I could get a lot of that compacted.

There will be a time where I won't be even be at home for that month for about 2/3 weeks too and I think it could possibly work.

If mom was to leave me at it cleaning for a whole entire weekend I could put shape to a lot of rooms but she won't let me because she wants control over it all.

The hoarding issue puts a different spin on things. She feels too embarrassed to let the dil and grandchild, see what kind of state her home is in. Its her home so if she doesn't want them to stay, that's fine. But she really has to tell them now. Could you call up your brother and explain?

This would be cheaper than booking accommodation. Would have a major impact too, the rooms used by the visitors could be completely cleared and a fair bit done elsewhere.
A by-product of this is that is might be easier to let go of stuff once it has already taken one step out of the house..

A weekend away for your mum and so much could be sorted...
You mention the vacuum bags a lot, but they only help with soft things (duvets, jumpers etc) not boxes or papers.
You can't deal with this all, or be expected to deal with this all, yourself OP. Get your brother involved. You didn't create this situation.

I honestly think your mother has a better grasp on reality than you do, the house does not sound like it just needs a little bit of a tidy up. It sounds like it really is not suitable for visitors.

But I don’t see why your mother should be paying for accommodation and I don’t know why you don’t just talk to your brother! Ring him, FaceTime him, tell him he might not want to stay at the house because of the clutter and mess. I am sure he is more than capable of deciding for himself what to do and organising it.

None of this is your responsibility. Tell your mother to talk to her son to make plans.

I understand my mom's concerns but she's expecting me to magic a place in a suitable location and within her budget and it's not what it was like 10 or 15 or 20 years ago where you can get accommodation at a reasonable price.

Mom got thick at me last night when places that she had in mind weren't available or free. As if it was my fault.

I have a lovely neighbour who would probably be delighted to take them in and I think its going to look bad when another friend or neighbour will take in my brother and his family for their holiday and we can't make and effort.

Buy in help. Handy man, cleaner, a man and a van and a storage unit: whatever it takes.

Tbh, I’m not sure I’d want even my closest family staying for a whole month, whatever the state of my home.

can your brother contribute towards accommodation nearby?

Honestly I think all they need is a place for their bags and put their heads down from time to time. They will be travelling about all the time no doubt about it, coming and going and booking little stays here and there.

Hopefully accommodation will show up for me today but I doubt it. I'm waiting to hear back on some enquiries I made last night. It would be good if there was a place free but I doubt it. It's summer season now. We won't be able to find a full month anywhere. It won't be suitable dipping in and out from dates that may be suitable here and there on Airbnb. There needs to be something more solid.

Sounds like you don’t have the space and the house isn’t in a fit state to take them all in. Talk to your brother. Maybe a video call so he can see the house. Ask him to make alternative arrangements. He can’t stay with you.

That would be my plan too.

Could you use the money she would spend on accommodation to initially hire a skip and get rid of any she will let you bin then maybe pay for a storage locker for a month for the clutter she wont let you bin? Then get some professional cleaners in once its cleared.out and maybe a lick.of.paint if you have the time and money left?

I don’t think 1.5k would go far with the amount OP says needs doing. In would imagine it would make a dent on the stuff but there would be no money left for cleaners or decorating.