Is she being unreasonable about holidays?

[Giveme2gins]

I have a sibling who lives abroad in Australia. He wanted to come home on holidays and it was his plan for months to come home this summer on holidays. My mom was cleaning the house in preparation for his return home.

He called home recently to say he's taking his fiancée and child. We met his fiancée before and she is a beautiful lady through and through. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Now my mom is apprehensive about him coming home. She is upset and anxious. We don't have the best of homes. It's ok. It's a roof over our heads. I was helping mom cleaning.

Now she doesn't want them coming home. She says she will get me to look for a holiday home for their stay and she will pay. I had a nightmare online all night looking for a place for them to stay but honestly I am having no luck whatsoever. I actually feel sick. The only places available are actually costing 1000s for a month.

Mom went to bed and she said we will look again tomorrow. I really don't think my mom is understanding me. Accommodations is is not available. Summer rentals would have been booked months ago and months in advance. My mom is expecting me to find a place out of thin air and within her budget. Three times toniishe asked me about the local apartments. Those apartments were always long term rentals and they are not available. She is expecting me to magic a home out of thin air. I don't get this though. The space is available at home. It's not the best quality but it's ok. Some cleaning over the next few more weeks and it should be better. My mom is flat out turning down the idea of now having them stay at home nor will she tell them what her stance is on this. It's all a mess. I think she's just being nervous but I think it will fall into place of they do come home. When they do come back and if they stay at home, they won't be here all the time. They will be going away here and there.

Is it just you and your mum living in the house?
You’ve got a few weeks and potentially £1000 at your disposal. You can easily sort the house in that time (including the 4th bedroom if you can hire a storage unit).
Be honest with your mum… there is no accommodation. It’s not an option. Tell your brother that your mum is panicking, maybe he can speak to her and reassure her?

I think you need to look at your role in this.. you don't need new bedding, you don't need to get the grass cut or to hire a bouncy castle. You live in a 4 bedroom house that could adequately house three adults and one small child without you having to box up your belongings and sleep in a reclining chair. Your mother might not be keen on you moving her things but there are two bedrooms that are not yours or your mothers.. you could pile one up and even put a lock on the door.. and make the other a liveable space. Do it.. then the stress is relieved. Move the coats.. clean the loos, wipe down the surfaces in the kitchen, hoover the floors.

Dear lady, I do have some insight into what you are living through.. I really do. Ask friends for help if you cannot do this on your own. Get a cleaner in. Pile everything in the spare room. Get help.

I don’t see why you have to give up your room… can’t the child share with her parents? We don’t expect a separate room for our children when we visit people, we just all go in together.

Hi @Giveme2gins — does your mum have “hoarding issues” or is she a hoarder?

The only reason I ask is because there’s an educational tv show here in the states called “Hoarders,” and the people featured on it are hoarders with severely hoarded homes. They have huge boxes of stuff piled everywhere and piles of stuff without boxes — they can’t part with anything, and can’t even “deal with” the smallest upset or stress. They simply cannot handle people removing anything from their homes. They collapse into themselves and lash out others, or they simply collapse. The show also has mental health professionals to help these people and assist them in dealing with their issues. Many are on the verge of losing their homes and the effect on their families is huge.

And yes, there are “shades” of hoarding or, say, a scale of 1 to 10, or however the psychiatric community defines it. I’m no expert, but I did learn a lot from watching. Like, I didn’t know that most severe hoarders have issues related to incidents earlier in their lives — like abandonment or abuse or neglect that created their mental illness. Not all, but most.

Is your mum having issues over the clearing out of the boxes and cleaning out of your home? Is it upsetting to her? Does she allow you to clean it out without objection? Does she hold many items back when you go through the boxes, etc? These are all hoarding issues, according to the psychologists.

I also hope your mum doesn’t get too overwhelmed by the housing situation and is able to simply delight in the joy of having your brother and his fiancé home.

I’m so sorry — it’s a lot for you too.
I wish you well.❤️

STOP!

You're going round in circles on this thread.

I said this early on but you need a three way call with your mum and brother. You need to find out his exact plans rather than second guessing (because you know him so well!).

You then need to be firm with your mum that there is no accomodation available, they will be staying at the house and it will be fine.

And stop trying to micromanage things. That idea of sending them to Poland - for Pete's sake! They don't want to go to Poland, they want to come to his home and see his family and friends.

This thread is exasperating to read! You're not getting anywhere! Did you phone your brother? Does your house have a loft or garage to store stuff in?? Christmas decs shouldn't be in the lounge all year round. What's your brother's old bedroom like? Are there enough beds for the 3 of them? How old is the daughter?

I talked to the family abroad. They reassured mom that the house is good and they trust me with whatever little touch ups and jobs that need to be done. I think the space can be found at home by putting in an effort.

The mother isn't able to see the wood from the trees right now. She was still talking about finding a place to rent but I put my foot down and told there's nothing available. Her idea now is to get a caravan and out the family there even though there is a spare room that is nearly ready to go. A weekend of painting and another weekend dressing the room and it's good.

After spending the whole weekend ranting and shouting at me, she's now sulking and not talking to me.

At this stage I am tempted to phone back the family and tell them that they are not wanted at home. I think what's happening is that - she was preparing for her son. She's not willing to accept that he's a family man now and she does not want that mother-son dynamic to change. She would rather her son alone or not at all.
This is going to cause an absolute rift now in the family. She really is sticking her heels in against his lovely partner and child.

I don't know if I need to make more calls tonight and tomorrow morning to get them to cancel or to power on through. She's also not able to envision a childhood room being used as a guest room.

Mess all around and I have a massive migraine I am unable to sleep through, due to stress and knowing what's around the corner.

This should be a time where we should be looking forward to seeing them and spending time with them and all I got this weekend was bitter hate from my mother.

Mother isn't even open into hearing a plan of action to organise the rooms. It's a down right no and put them into a caravan.

Power on through... make the space habitable, cleaning should be sufficient, they are not expecting the Ritz.. as long as it is clean and you have moved the piles of thibgs to the 4th bedroom, it will be fine. Dont make it bigger than it needs to be.. he is your brother, your mother's son, he is not returnig royalty..

Do not phone your brother and tell him he is not welcome. Whatever yoru mother's feelings about the house and her son's visit.. it is your house too and he is your brother.

Oh OP you need those 2 gins ❤️🤯 I would crack on with readying the room for ALL of the guests arrival. Tell your mum you won’t be looking at caravans but she is welcome to if she wants. Once she sees the room is looking fine she may pipe down.

Do not cancel the guests, you’ll cause huge offence.

You’d think she’d want to see her granddaughter after so long!

I don't understand. Seeing them and spending some time with them would be the highlight of the year. It would be epic.

I had some friends come in on board and offer help with painting and gardening.

I need bottles of the stuff

There is a serious bitterness and resentment now from her. And it's all geared towards the SIL and it's all not based in any reality.

I was saying up thread that I suspected for a few months that maybe there's something brewing like her becoming senile. I am afraid now. It's likely they won't even get a nice welcome.

The mother is now not talking to me.

The mother is willing to come up with any sort of money and 000s to put them up somewhere else away from her but that's not the reason for their holiday home. They want to come home. Not go into an empty flat in some city where commuting to them maybe be limited. They want to come home.

I would just let her sulk and just drop it for a few days.
If it was any of my brothers they would ignore her shit fit and they would waltz in like the prodigal sons they are and all would be ignored/ forgiven.
I would just get passive aggressive digs (which can be ignored from afar)
I don't think it's your place to cancel your brother or tell her what to do. She has ignored your advice now let her process it and make a decision. And stay out of it.
No one will thank you for it (in my experience)

I am intrigued by your use of the term 'the mother'.

Look.... you have a choice here, you can welcome your brother, his wife and their child in your house or you can be complicit in the craziness your mother has allowed the narrative in her head to become.

Go broken record on your mother... we have looked, there are no other reasonable options, Jim is bringing his family here to spend time with us, here. We can make this work. I will sort the spare room and tidy the lounge.

Then just do it.. don't go buying things or painting, just move things and clean. Get help if you need it.. your fiancé maybe?

Same thing here.

If I was a man it would be a different story. The peace would be kept would be kept with a man. She did nothing but yell at me yesterday and then yell at me some more and more and talk dirt to me.

ChateauMargaux

I am intrigued by your use of the term 'the mother'.

I noticed that. It went from my mom to my mother to the mother as the op's frustration at the situation increased.

I do the same. Mum becomes mother when I'm pissed off.

Regardless of the current situation, I would look at getting your own place.

I don’t understand why you are so involved?

Surely your mother should contact your brother and say he can’t stay? Is she just expecting him to turn up and she will say you can’t stay here so I’ve booked a grotty B and B for a million pounds a month?

I would take a massive step back and stop engaging in any conversation about the visit.

She did nothing but yell at me yesterday and then yell at me some more and more and talk dirt to me..

Leave the room - do not engage further.

That's what I did. She followed me to my room and she was standing in between the hall and my room with one foot in my room, completely intimidating me while she shouted shit in my face.

With that behaviour I’d wash my hands of the whole situation and tell her to sort it out herself.