Is she being unreasonable about holidays?

[Giveme2gins]

I have a sibling who lives abroad in Australia. He wanted to come home on holidays and it was his plan for months to come home this summer on holidays. My mom was cleaning the house in preparation for his return home.

He called home recently to say he's taking his fiancée and child. We met his fiancée before and she is a beautiful lady through and through. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Now my mom is apprehensive about him coming home. She is upset and anxious. We don't have the best of homes. It's ok. It's a roof over our heads. I was helping mom cleaning.

Now she doesn't want them coming home. She says she will get me to look for a holiday home for their stay and she will pay. I had a nightmare online all night looking for a place for them to stay but honestly I am having no luck whatsoever. I actually feel sick. The only places available are actually costing 1000s for a month.

Mom went to bed and she said we will look again tomorrow. I really don't think my mom is understanding me. Accommodations is is not available. Summer rentals would have been booked months ago and months in advance. My mom is expecting me to find a place out of thin air and within her budget. Three times toniishe asked me about the local apartments. Those apartments were always long term rentals and they are not available. She is expecting me to magic a home out of thin air. I don't get this though. The space is available at home. It's not the best quality but it's ok. Some cleaning over the next few more weeks and it should be better. My mom is flat out turning down the idea of now having them stay at home nor will she tell them what her stance is on this. It's all a mess. I think she's just being nervous but I think it will fall into place of they do come home. When they do come back and if they stay at home, they won't be here all the time. They will be going away here and there.

I got more replies back today turninge down for 4 weeks accommodation.

My mom has it in her mind that she wants 4 weeks continuous accommodation.

It’s not normal to have boxes of clothes and Christmas decorations dotted round the living room.
it’s not normal to sleep in a chair for a couple of weeks as there isn’t enough space to house visitors.
There isn’t space for them to stay? Tell them. Or get her to do so. Say you thought it was just him coming.
Dont bother renting somewhere for them. That’s not your role here.

Or more sensibly let your mum and brother sort it out between them.

My chair is comfortable and I slept there a few times. I like I said, I have some options for a bed for 2 weeks so it won't be a month completely in a chair.

It still isn’t normal.
She doesn’t want to put them up or can’t? She needs to tell them.
Can you look to move out soon?

You need to tell her booking accommodation IS NOT POSSIBLE. And you need to tell brother ASAP that there’s a problem and allow him to make plans. Stop looking online - tell her it can’t be done and it’s a waste of cash. Either you tidy up and they stay or they book a hotel for the short periods they need one. You are making more of a drama than you need to.

It's not normal when you have a four bedroom house at your disposal.
Just phone him and enquire about his general plans. Then you can plan.

The work can be done if I am allowed to do it.

This is about the power balance between you and your mother: the parent-child relationship, which gets switched round as people get elderly and become dependent. She may not be ready yet to accept that she is getting older and needs to put you in control of a lot more of everything. It may take years, and she may fight the inevitable outcome every step of the way. Meanwhile you are stuck in the child role, as a grown woman, because it is your mother's house and you have no control and no say in anything.

Are you willing to physically just carry on doing the work in front of her while she protests? Would that be too damaging to your relationship with her?

In my previous post I suggested getting storage and professional deep clean. If your view is correct and you just need coat hooks, vacuum bags, etc, that is still an issue if your mother doesn't want you to do any of it.

If it looks like fixing up the house is not going to happen, you need to let brother know as soon as possible that he will likely be staying in a hotel - it is not fair on him to leave it to later.

I would suggest that the top priority is getting specific dates from your brother - nail down his plans so that you know exactly which nights either you or he need to book a B&B or hotel near to you, should mother's wishes prevail. You also need to know which days you are going to book off work to spend time with him. It is not acceptable for your brother to leave his plans vague or open-ended in this situation, as you need to know.

How would your mother react if you phoned your brother even though she said not to? Tell her after, or tell her beforehand - that is your immediate choice.

Do you know what? If he's not due to show up in the next week or two, what I would do is use that time to make the 4th bedroom habitable. As it's a house and not an apartment you're living in, you have an attic space that you can chuck EVERYTHING up into that doesn't need to be down.

Then you buy some paint, a cheap pair of curtains, use some duvet covers that you may already have, dress the room up nicely and then present it to your mother. If she can see that the room looks nice (and no one sleeps in it until they arrive) then it's a 'good' room and acceptable to guests.

I do think that your brother should have run it past your mother first before arranging for his fiance to join him on the visit. Your mother probably feels that she has to be 'on' for the entire time. She doesn't. That said, if you've already met each other, then it really boils down to a house-proud thing. There are ways around it that don't resort to spending '000s to put them up somewhere different. Your mum can't see the wood for the trees at the moment and if she doesn't welcome her son and his family to stay, this is going to have a very negative impression on them.

Perhaps you could take a breath. Both you and your mum, and you come up with a plan to tackle the clutter and dress the house nicely. Honestly, a couple of hours each night for the next few weeks should see a completely different place and one that she is very proud to show off!

Something like this for the beds:
www.homestoreandmore.ie/hotel-bedding/single-duvet-cover-cable-navy-300tc/107767.html?cgid=hotel-bedding

Something like this if you have a central light in the room:
www.homestoreandmore.ie/lighting/laser-cut-leaf-shade---mustard/108389.html?cgid=lighting

A few cushions from Penneys on the bed:
www.primark.com/en-ie/all-products/homeware/home-furnishings/cushions-covers/navy-velvet-cushion-cover/p/133952976

A fresh layer of paint on the walls:
www.woodies.ie/johnstones-vinyl-matt-botanical-pearl-2-5-litre-1157431

One room....done!

Meant to add the curtains to the mix:
www.homestoreandmore.ie/ready-made-curtains/shelbourne-natural-66x54-curtain/060638.html

Another room:-

Burgundy curtains: www.homestoreandmore.ie/ready-made-curtains?prefn1=colour&prefv1=Burgundy&prefn2=inStockFilter&prefv2=true

Duvet set: www.homestoreandmore.ie/hotel-bedding/single-duvet-cover-triple-stitch-silver-300tc/070344.html?cgid=hotel-bedding

Central pendant lampshade: www.woodies.ie/laser-cut-speckles-grey-shade-1154423

Cushions: www.woodies.ie/velvet-43cm-x-43cm-charcoal-cushion-1153176

Paint (for one wall): www.woodies.ie/johnstones-washable-paint-manhattan-grey-2-5-litre-1157527

Room 2.....done!

Even doing two rooms up, you're still nowhere close to the expense of finding alternative accommodation for your brother, her son.

Thank you so much for all of your valuable help.

I liked doing that kind of stuff for a long time so we do have some bedding and matching sets. The room was going to get done anyways because my brother was due home. So I have some lockers to build from IKEA. I bought some lovely cushions before from jysk. A lot of the stuff is there. I have a new set of bedding washed and dried now too and it's lovely. This stuff was going to be done anyways. He was going to be put into a double bed. It's a large room.

The whole thing is a mess and she really doesn't realise the hole she is digging here and what it means. He's going to take offense to this big time. Currently she's not even tolerating the idea of a one night sleepover from her grandchild. My heart is breaking. She's making problems where they don't exist.

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. Honestly it's not a huge task and I can work on it.

Mother doesn't see it that way.

Then my advice to you both @Giveme2gins is to take a breath. Stop looking for accommodation as it just doesn't exist.

Do nothing more on that. Just go broken record "Mum, I'm not a magician. I can't just magic up an apartment/house/airbnb for a month. It's not possible and I can't continue like this." Then change the subject to anything else - Bridgerton, The All Ireland, GAA, anything.

In your own time, be chipping away at doing up at least one of the rooms. If there are 4 rooms in the family home, you shouldn't need to sleep on a recliner chair, everyone should have a bed to sleep in.

If they aren't due for a month, you should be able to make 2 of the 4 rooms very comfortable. If she sees that you're doing that, she might even help out??? Maybe????

Declutter the living room though. Put up that coat stand.

Flatpack is your friend here 😉😉

Phone your brother: “Mom’s in a tizzy about the house being a mess for guests. Bit worried about her mental health actually, somethings not quite right”.

DO NOT phone your poor brother with ridiculous notion of booking accom in bloody Poland.

Also, it is likely he will want to catch up with other friends, travel around, so what is the point of paying for a full month if he’ll barely be there?

You need to get your brother in the loop and put your foot down with your mother.

Can't you stay with your fiance and give them your room for the month?

My room would be the best in the house and I would be able to give it up for sure. I would need to box up my belongings and move out from the room. It's doable for sure.

^
Mom isn't moving on her stance of getting them accommodation elsewhere.

Let her get on with it then. It's her decision.
But I would inform your brother. Let him speak to her. The reality of having them in the country and seeing them may soften her approach. It may just be fear of the unknown.

Then let her try!
Can she use the internet? a phone?
Let her crack on until she sees reality.

Meanwhile, phone your brother, about her and about dates / his plans.

Why on earth would you need to box up your stuff? She’s presumably offered the invitation. Tell her to sort it.
you keep saying you can do xyz if you’re allowed. It’s her house. Let her sort it. Or not. Stop seeking permission and doing her bidding.
the sooner you leave home the better. I just hope you have a better dynamic in your marriage. This whole situation is bonkers.

But surely it's her home, so she can decide who stays or not? A whole month hosting a family is a big deal.

If she wants to find an alternative place then she has to look herself. Carry on with cleaning and preparations if you like, but tell her you're sorry you can't do the impossible.