Is she being unreasonable about holidays?

[Giveme2gins]

I have a sibling who lives abroad in Australia. He wanted to come home on holidays and it was his plan for months to come home this summer on holidays. My mom was cleaning the house in preparation for his return home.

He called home recently to say he's taking his fiancée and child. We met his fiancée before and she is a beautiful lady through and through. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Now my mom is apprehensive about him coming home. She is upset and anxious. We don't have the best of homes. It's ok. It's a roof over our heads. I was helping mom cleaning.

Now she doesn't want them coming home. She says she will get me to look for a holiday home for their stay and she will pay. I had a nightmare online all night looking for a place for them to stay but honestly I am having no luck whatsoever. I actually feel sick. The only places available are actually costing 1000s for a month.

Mom went to bed and she said we will look again tomorrow. I really don't think my mom is understanding me. Accommodations is is not available. Summer rentals would have been booked months ago and months in advance. My mom is expecting me to find a place out of thin air and within her budget. Three times toniishe asked me about the local apartments. Those apartments were always long term rentals and they are not available. She is expecting me to magic a home out of thin air. I don't get this though. The space is available at home. It's not the best quality but it's ok. Some cleaning over the next few more weeks and it should be better. My mom is flat out turning down the idea of now having them stay at home nor will she tell them what her stance is on this. It's all a mess. I think she's just being nervous but I think it will fall into place of they do come home. When they do come back and if they stay at home, they won't be here all the time. They will be going away here and there.

They got on very well together when we went to visit them and they were here before. The mother is just anxious about having more people in the house. It's not about the fiancée.

Hi OP. I hear your dilemma, and your mother's desperation coming through the words, which I totally get. I grew up in similar circumstances, so know the stomach-gripping fear this can provoke in your DM. I don't know how long you have before your DB's arrival in Ireland, but if you could do one room, say the spare room along the lines you suggest, and then encourage your DM to think you could do the same with the sitting room, she might feel encouraged. If there is excess stuff around, put it into temporary storage. If she is so extremely anxious about the state of the house, this will all be doing her a favour, as after the visit things will be better organised and easier for her. At the moment she is overwhelmed by the scale of the problem. Do you have time to do the odd touch up with paint? and make sure carpets are clean, etc.? A new rug in the bedroom might lift it. It could be a new start for your DM, even though initially it will be very anxiety-provoking for her. Your DB knows what it is like, presumably? How does he feel about bringing his girlfriend to the house? Does he know enough about your DM's issues, and could they be explained to the girlfriend (with DM's permission)?

I would be cautious about telling your brother... if my brother told me I was not welcome in the house my sister and mother lived in, having paid for tickets to fly across the world so my child could meet and spend time with their grandmother, I would be very hurt. As you can tell... I have experience..

There is something epigentic and a touch of inherited trauma about this.. those who left for a better life.. returned to visit bearing inappropriate gifts, were shown the parlor and treated like visiting dignitaries as if they were parading their better life (and beautiful wives) and those who stayed behind being embarassed about their own lives. It sounds like there is a complicated narrative going on in your mother's head... her son is coming back to see her and to give his child and his mother the opportunity to get to know each other. He won't get it right.. however he plays it.. too much time and he is imposing and too little time... he is too good for us now.

I'm just sending hugs and love and wishing all of you the insight to find a way through without missing out on this opportunity for lovely family time together. If you can... ask your brother his plans and tell him you would like to spend time with him and would like to book a few days holiday when he does not already have plans.. spend time with him, his wife, your fiancé and your nephew / niece.

YABU. I think your brother is unreasonable for changing the goal posts. Hosting your son is very different to hosting his fiance who you met once.

And you are unreasonable for not speaking to him. Tell him your mother is unwell, she's so stressed she's on the verge of a breakdown and he needs to book accommodation. If he can afford flights for 3 people from Australia, he can afford a holiday villa.

We met her several times. They housed us for a month in Australia. They had a 2 bed apartment at the time and they helped us no problem and allowed in their home and using their kitchen and bathroom and washing facilities. It wasn't pristine but it was perfect for me.

They came to Europe before and they housed us again.

The spare room is large and there's plenty of space for 2 people in there. I had an idea that maybe he might bring his child so I was preparing my room for her and I was going to sleep in a chair and I have a bed for a few weeks somewhere else.

The space is there but mother doesn't want them not even for one sleepover. She would rather throw thousands on alternative accommodation.

Remember that OP has said she has wondered.if Alzheimers is causing DM to act in this way - in addition to anxiety, embarrassment/shame re the house.,

DM has apparently been v distressed about some other situations recently where she wouldn’t have been before. May explain the OCD/collecting stuff too.

And why she can’t seem to grasp no accommodation is available.

So once DB & fiancé know the full facts of the situation - I don’t think they’d turn their backs on DM or feel sleighted in way some posters are suggesting.

She’s not being unhospitable out of choice. She’s clearly not well.,

He and his family is not wanted at home. He might as well know that now instead of dragging it out over a few weeks. If they were truly wanted at home mother wouldn't be making obstacles.

I googled pictures of hoarding and it's truly horrific looking. Mom's hoarding is truly not that bag. There's some large boxes of storage bits but that's it. It would be absolutely manageable into vaccum bags.

I know up thread I was asked how many bedrooms and I said 3. I lied. It's 4 bedrooms but there's only 3 that's habitable. The other room is storage stuff and in a bad way too. I lied because I didn't want to be judged by people here for having a bad room in the house.

I think some sort of a solution could be found. An effort made could at least allow them to stay part time while they move about.

My mother doesn't have an alzheimer's diagnosis but I wondered before now if dementia is setting in.

Are there any budget holidays to Europe, perhaps Eastern Europe like Poland maybe.

Maybe have them stay for a few days at home and then redirect them to an Eastern Europe holiday. Costs and prices on the continent are usually so much more cheaper than home.

Any ideas?

I am phoning him tonight to let him know that the mother is not happy to have them in the spare room. Now, mother asked me not to phone them instead she wants me to find accommodation for them but I will chat with them first

I thought you said you were going to "wash your hands of it all" ...?

Do not send them to Europe... that is not your place. Clear a room, clear the sitting room, make the kitchen and bathroom hospitable. Reassure your mother that this is the right thing to do. Contact your brother... ask him if he has plans to travel / visit other areas or if he plans to spend the entire month in your house.. explain your mother's anxiety to him and ask him to reassure her that he is not expecting a red carpet but he is looking forward to spending time together and is happy to take you as he finds you.

Which might explain some of the difficulties she’s having no?
When you mentioned this up thread I posted that older age can exacerbate eccentric & stubborn behaviour as I’ve seen with my own mum. And that I don’t know if your mum is older?

Our house was similar growing up & I could never fathom why my parents had rooms filled with stuff & no organisation. People coming to stay was always a massive panic to try to present the house as normal in a short space of time. I hated it. It continues to this day & her eccentricities or imh are definitely affected by older age. I too wonder if dementia is a factor for my mum but she has not been diagnosed either yet.

It’s just that you mentioned it earlier & so it could be adding another layer to this & explain why she’s behaving this way. What I’ve found with my own mum is that if I try to convince her against something that doesn’t seem completely rational to me, or that is giving her more grief than it should, it usually only makes her stick to her guns all the more.

Which is why I think you need to accept that she’s - for whatever reason -just not able to have them stay. Unfortunately.

OP, I think you need to stop worrying about your brother right now because it sounds like the home situation is dire. If there is spare money to rent accommodation that should be spent on a storage unit to get all the junk out of the house so that you make necessary repairs and clean, including from the "bad room". Also therapy for your mom! Your brother can manage his own accommodation and maybe help you get your mom assessed when he is visiting. The storage space may feel like a good solution to her because she won't be "getting rid" of stuff. There are services that help with this stuff and it truly sounds like you need the help. I don't think some vacuum bags and a coat rack are going to solve this.

He and his family is not wanted at home. He might as well know that now instead of dragging it out over a few weeks. If they were truly wanted at home mother wouldn't be making obstacles.

OP do you really think this is the case? Whilst you might think it would be easy to clear out & make presentable - clearly she doesn’t. Or can’t. Telling him it like that is bound to cause further problems.

I googled pictures of hoarding and it's not even near that. There's pictures online of hoarding and it's a room filled to the brim of stuff. The sitting room and spare room isn't like that. I can count 4 boxes of different sizes in the sitting room. One filled with Christmas decorations and I don't know what the others are but it's softish stuff. I think it's her clothes. Winter/summer clothes. I think they could be compacted down into one box.

It really isn't bad. I think an armchair from the sitting room could be brought up to the spare room too. There would be plenty of space.
The work can be done if I am allowed to do it.

Bloody hell.

Stop trying to organise everyone!

Call brother, tell him mum is panicking about accommodation. Tell him to call her and speak to her directly.

That’s all you should do. Other than have a nice chat with him about when you can catch up properly when he’s over.

I don't know what his plans are. How can I let him come here with his family if he thinks he has a place to stay when he doesn't.

This here. I will phone with this

Can you move in with her for a month and brother has your place?

I don't have a place. I live with mom.

There's 2 weeks of their holidays where I won't be at home so the my room is available and I am more than happy to give it up and sleep in a chair when I get back or make alternative arrangements for a bed a couch somewhere.

Ok, OP, this is just going around in circles. I think you're nearly as stressed as your mum and you're possibly fixating on the wrong things. Rightly or wrongly, your mum is stressed about having your brother and his family to stay. She's asked you to look for alternative accommodation, which you've done, and there isn't any. That's the end of that option.

You say you just need a weekend, or even a day, to sort your mum's house out. If this really is feasible, do you have any other family, or does your mum have friends that she can stay with for the weekend, or a best friend that can take her out for the whole day i.e. breakfast, shopping, lunch, relax and dinner at her friend's house? I would try this so you have a good understanding of what is actually achievable. Accept that your mum probably won't want to go out, as she'll be afraid of what you may throw out / reorganise while she's gone, but this has to happen at some point, irrespective of whether or not your brother comes to stay. (I am very sympathetic, as I have reached this stage with my own mother and, as harsh as it seems, there are some things I just need to take control of and say, 'this is happening' and make it so. It is very easy for things to spiral, especially if there may be some form of dementia.)

This wasn't the first time where my made things more complex and difficult where really it shouldn't have been. I think maybe it ties into the poor planning and organising that sometimes goes with dementia.

Well I do hope you get to see your brother & family - whichever way that happens. You know your mother best & how to handle her. Good luck

You’d be better spending the money that you would spend on a rental property on doing the house up a bit, paint, new carpet, new cupboards in kitchen etc.

There was a new kitchen put in about 13 years ago. So it's not an old kitchen.