Is she being unreasonable about holidays?

[Giveme2gins]

I have a sibling who lives abroad in Australia. He wanted to come home on holidays and it was his plan for months to come home this summer on holidays. My mom was cleaning the house in preparation for his return home.

He called home recently to say he's taking his fiancée and child. We met his fiancée before and she is a beautiful lady through and through. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Now my mom is apprehensive about him coming home. She is upset and anxious. We don't have the best of homes. It's ok. It's a roof over our heads. I was helping mom cleaning.

Now she doesn't want them coming home. She says she will get me to look for a holiday home for their stay and she will pay. I had a nightmare online all night looking for a place for them to stay but honestly I am having no luck whatsoever. I actually feel sick. The only places available are actually costing 1000s for a month.

Mom went to bed and she said we will look again tomorrow. I really don't think my mom is understanding me. Accommodations is is not available. Summer rentals would have been booked months ago and months in advance. My mom is expecting me to find a place out of thin air and within her budget. Three times toniishe asked me about the local apartments. Those apartments were always long term rentals and they are not available. She is expecting me to magic a home out of thin air. I don't get this though. The space is available at home. It's not the best quality but it's ok. Some cleaning over the next few more weeks and it should be better. My mom is flat out turning down the idea of now having them stay at home nor will she tell them what her stance is on this. It's all a mess. I think she's just being nervous but I think it will fall into place of they do come home. When they do come back and if they stay at home, they won't be here all the time. They will be going away here and there.

The storage is not an incredible pile up. It's not actually a huge task. I think I could use the vaccum bags to reduce the space and I think that will help. I was looking at a coat stand in IKEA that will help instead of having jackets and scarves on the back of chairs. The spare bedroom is not bad because she was already working on it for a few weeks. What needs to be done now is to put the bed back together and dress the room. A lick of paint probably wouldn't go astray either.

If I was to keep my weekends free and out my mind to working on the house it would work.

I'm waiting to hear back on some enquiries but I really don't know how it's going to be. I was looking at an apartment in town and it just seems so cold putting them in a small apartment even if it's free when family will be located miles away. I still have a job to go to and there will be few changes to share nights with them or anything else. If they were more local it wouldn't be too bad.

OP what area in Ireland are you looking at? And when? Will brother have a car or use public transport?

I think you mum seems deeply uncomfortable having them over, and this situation can be so extremely stressful for her that it might permanently scar relationships in the whole family.

You have to try and understand how this will affect her mental health. If something was causing that much anxiety in me, I would completely freak out, and it sounds like this is what's happening to her.

We are all different, and I am absolutely with all the posters saying throw out all the stuff and get the house sorted, as I can't stand clutter, but you mum can't cope with that and I have a feeling that the house is worse than you think.

I am in Ireland and you absolutely can find short term accommodation in my location. Maybe not for the whole duration in the same place, but it is definitely do-able. So if i had more information, I can help looking.

I think you’re both fixated on different things (your Mum: They CANNOT stay here. You: They MUST stay here).

There’s perfectly reasonable compromises where you let your brother book Air bnbs for in between trips and/or the neighbour put them up once in a while and stop pushing they must stay at your house. They can leave their stuff at your house between trips, and it’s not at all a problem for young children to stay in different short lets off and on. Anyway it’s their parents’ job to worry about that.

Phone your brother. Explain your mum is spiralling. Let him talk to her and make a plan.

Honestly you both sound as off the wall as each other. If he comes and stays elsewhere you won't see him as you have a life? WTF is that about? He's coming from half way around the world and you're too busy...with what?

I don't why you keep going on and on about apartments and stuff, that's not going to happen. At all. Just bloody tell her that. You're talking about bouncy castles but you don't have a handle on the basics!

Do they have flights booked?
Do they know they are not allowed to stay at your mothers house? #
Do they actually have bookings and plans to stay in other places or are you justy assuming a bizarre amount?

This is where I am right now. This is my stance too. I am not fixated on them being here all the time. I know my brother so much. He's going to be moving about and booking nights away here an there. He didn't say it in his original plans but that's how he is. My mother doesn't want them to stay at all. She said she was ok with hosting the brother but she's not comfortable with the chiiand partner. I think if we were to our minds to it the space will be there.

There is always the issue of money. My mother wants to pay for alternative accommodation for them but I think it's scandalous to pay out 1000s for accommodation for one month. I was browsing for holiday homes and short term rentals and I was getting quotes from 450 to 2000-3000 a week. I am currently waiting on some enquiries about places.

The problem today is that I want to get to work cleaning and tidying but my mother now won't let me. Even if we are successful at finding a place I think it would be a good idea to clean up and even try and aim for one or two sleepovers.

There's probably accommodation available in other parts around Ireland. The issue then is that we might be very far apart on the opposite side of the county or in separate counties altogether.

We probably would be able to find a place somewhere for them but all of this is so short notice. I have a job that I can't just give up for a months holiday at short notice. I would be lucky to get a week off.

My mother is looking for an apartment for them. I am searching but with no luck on dates.

I presume they have their flights booked. I don't know if the brother knows he and his family are not welcome and mother asked me not to tell them. She's hoping to find accommodation.

I do have plans to travel around Ireland but that is is for now. I do not know where or on dates.

Oh ffs, opposite sides of the county? This is Ireland, you can be at opposite ends of the country and still get there in a few hours! I commute over a county for work everyday. I driven from one side of the county to the other and back already this morning for a GAA match. What are you even talking about?

Cop yourself on, actually talk to your brother and stop deciding what he will be doing without asking him. Honestly, such a FUSS about everything!

Maybe mention to your Mum that if she does not make her son and her grandchild who live on the opposite side of the world feel welcome when they will be spending a huge amount to travel, it may be the last time she sees them.

I agree with @CupidStunt22! I think you are being melodramatic. It's not like you'll have to circumnavigate the globe to meet up with your brother once or twice a week!

And I am unsure why you keep bringing up the whole "I work and can't take holidays at the drop of a hat" thing, I don't understand why you would be required to take holidays??? Again, drama, why?

Just speak to your brother and lay off your mum. If he is going to be out and about, surely you don't need to book a place for a whole month? Open communication with him, book a local Airbnb for the nights they are not touring. Simple, no drama.

Am I missing something? 😵

Thing is, I get you want your brother to stay, but your mum doesn't and it's her house.

Lucky for you but I don't own a car or a licence so I can't rent a car. When I finish a day's work I will be left with the bus routes and my route won't take me to the other end of the county if thats where they end up getting a place.

That's what I am thinking too. I can see a fall out on the cards over this. There is a spare room available but mom doesn't want to out a family in there even though some time over the next few more weeks and it will be ok.

I didn't hear anything back from any of my enquiries.

So have you still not bothered to actually talk to your brother?

Mother doesn't want them to stay over even for a sleepover. Not even for one night. I know the place isn't pristine but to turn them away like this. To not even spend one night at home.

Wh6nhavent you discussed this with your brother and asked him to have a s
conversation with your mother about this? You can’t leave him in the dark it’s not fair. You and your mum sound crackers.

I only found out last night and in started looking for a place to see if there was anything available. It's now hitting me that this is going to be a problem. I was away all morning and I am home now a short while.

There is a time gap and it's the middle of the night now there but I will be free tonight to make a call.

You/ your mom need to let your DB know they won't be able to stay over . He can then make other arrangements

I am phoning him tonight to let him know that the mother is not happy to have them in the spare room. Now, mother asked me not to phone them instead she wants me to find accommodation for them but I will chat with them first.

Your poor Mum is in panic mode.
I'd suggest a storage place short term while they are here to store all her extra stuff.
Help pick out new duvet covers and pillows.
Some new dishes from somewhere inexpensive, Tesco or Asda, something bright and cheery.
Matching canisters for the kitchen countertops,
A rug for the living room and some cushions.
It'll all cost a whole lot less than a holiday home.

doesn't your brother need to know your mum is having a mental health crisis?

therefore he can share the burden of that with you. And seperarely confim that

a) he needs somewhere to dump bags - that can be the spare room
b) he will be visiting your town for say 2 days every week between visiting others - here are the dates - you/mum then find short term accom for those dates, rather than whole month.
he may well decide easier to rejig plans to spend a week elsewhere, then a week home, week in 3rd place rather than bed hop.

Maybe consider hiring a storage facility and move the hoarded items for the duration of the stay. Once the visit is complete, she will have the space to consider what she wants to bring back into the house, and then perhaps sell/ junk the rest.

This isn’t your problem to sort out. You’re not her servant. How can she “make” you find something for them? Speak to your brother and explain, then tell her she needs to talk to him and decide what to do. She’s not a child to be looked after by you and she’s getting angry when you try to help. If you don’t gently withdraw from feeling responsible for her now, it will be far worse in the future.

The fiancé will know this is about her coming too. You can reassure your mum that she isn't likely to come back.
This whole thing is the definition of dysfunctional.