Is she being unreasonable about holidays?

[Giveme2gins]

I have a sibling who lives abroad in Australia. He wanted to come home on holidays and it was his plan for months to come home this summer on holidays. My mom was cleaning the house in preparation for his return home.

He called home recently to say he's taking his fiancée and child. We met his fiancée before and she is a beautiful lady through and through. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Now my mom is apprehensive about him coming home. She is upset and anxious. We don't have the best of homes. It's ok. It's a roof over our heads. I was helping mom cleaning.

Now she doesn't want them coming home. She says she will get me to look for a holiday home for their stay and she will pay. I had a nightmare online all night looking for a place for them to stay but honestly I am having no luck whatsoever. I actually feel sick. The only places available are actually costing 1000s for a month.

Mom went to bed and she said we will look again tomorrow. I really don't think my mom is understanding me. Accommodations is is not available. Summer rentals would have been booked months ago and months in advance. My mom is expecting me to find a place out of thin air and within her budget. Three times toniishe asked me about the local apartments. Those apartments were always long term rentals and they are not available. She is expecting me to magic a home out of thin air. I don't get this though. The space is available at home. It's not the best quality but it's ok. Some cleaning over the next few more weeks and it should be better. My mom is flat out turning down the idea of now having them stay at home nor will she tell them what her stance is on this. It's all a mess. I think she's just being nervous but I think it will fall into place of they do come home. When they do come back and if they stay at home, they won't be here all the time. They will be going away here and there.

If my mom is successful and she finds a place for a while entire month for them, she doesn't even want to entertain the idea of a sleepover here or there.

There used to be holiday cottages available in the town but I think they are being taken up by Ukrainians now. I priced them last night and even if they were available it would be 3000 for a month.

I think it's too much money. Mom doesn't even have that much money. The money could be spent on house improvements over the next month.

Students are hanging onto their places by paying during the summer months because if they let go, they are homeless for the next college year so student accommodation is not available.

If it was just my brother and partner, going to and from free dates in air BnBs would be doable but there's a child now too. It's not suitable. I need to have more of a solid option while staying.

Sounds like she's embarrassed. Why not pay a cleaning company to come and deep clean it. Chuck clutter in the garage it'll be cheaper than accommodation

I have some insights into what this is like.. I am Irish, living abroad and travel to Ireland to visit my parents. There is so much about your posts that speaks to me. I hope you find a way to navigate this tricky situation which allows your brother and his family to feel welcome in your home without causing too much distress to your mother and too much work for you.

There's a corner in my room that I can clean and put some storage there instead of the main sitting room. Mom doesn't even want that as an option. She's already build it up in her head she wants to find a rental accommodation or apartment and within her budget too. She was expecting to find an apartment for 500 euro a month. I used to rent before and that's what it was 12 years ago. Not now.

I know she's your mum, and you must love her a great deal,
But why are you taking all the flak for this? She's a grown woman and she sounds like she wants the impossible.

This is NOT YOUR JOB. tell your brother the whole situation, and then step away.

She sounds like nothing you can do will help her, so you're just running yourself ragged trying.

That adds another layer to things OP. I know from my own mum that any eccentric or less than reasonable behaviour on her part has only got exacerbated with age & her level of distress is much greater at things that would have been much easier before. Aside from any dementia - that we know of that is. Do hope you find a solution though & you get to see your brother & family 🤞

I'm out of the house for now. I'm dreading going home to be faced with another evening of searching online for accommodation. I also need to be careful when online and searching for a place because lately it was highlighted in the news about accommodation scams.

The whole thing is a mess

This 100%. I was dragged into this because my mother thinks I am able to magic accommodation out from thin air in an ideal location and within her budget. Some of the budget prices I saw last night was up to 5000 euro that's if they were available to begin with. It's scandalous money.

I will phone the brother and wash my hands of it all.

My advice would be to sit your mum down with a mug of tea/coffee and just say it to her straight
"Mum, I've been scouring the internet and there just isn't anywhere else that X, Y and Baby XY can stay. They are coming here. So now that it's settled, we have to declutter this place. It'll be fun. You'll have an amazing place at the end of it and it will be somewhere to be proud of at the end. This is what we can do. What we can't do is magic up some other place for them to stay. With that in mind, I've also been checking out storage locations for our stuff and we can get a unit in X town for 3/6/9/12 months and it'll cost Amount which is a much better option. When we've moved the stuff into storage, we can paint the rooms and put a few nice pieces (we'd have to baby-proof the place before they arrive so it's a great idea that we're doing two things at once). You're still hanging on to the stuff but it's just not going to be here when they arrive. Now, where are the marigold gloves and the roll of black sacks so we can start making some inroads on turning the house around ahead of their visit?"
That's what you need to say to her (or something to that effect to have the necessary affect on what is happening in front of you).

I will phone the brother and wash my hands of it all

Frankly that sounds like the wisest approach

I doubt it'll stop DM going on and on about it, but at least you can say you've tried and it's not happening - rinse and repeat

I was browsing around last night online not seeing much places and seeing Airbnbs booked here and there and prices sky high. At several points in all of this my mother started zoing in onto the local apartment complex - what's about them she asked me and I browsed online and seriously they weren't available for anything. Short term or long term rent - nothing available. Eventually she stopped talking to me as if it was my fault.

I would like to mention that Irish Mammies are very, and I mean very, house-proud. If you can declutter, do. It'll help even in the long run.

I made several enquiries last night and some of them came back as not available and I am waiting to hear back on others.

Eventually she stopped talking to me as if it was my fault

Even more reason to - as you said - wash your hands of it

The child is not a baby now thank goodness so there's no baby proofing involved. I was going to get the grass cut and book a bouncy castle and all.

With respect you will find nothing for that budget, it would cost 1000/1500 a week. Could you put thar money to a freshen up paint for for bedroom and new bedlinen

OP, how many rooms are there in the house? You've mentioned you moving out of your room into the spare room so the child can take your room - why can't the child have the spare room?

How old is the child? A baby? Will they be crawling? Toddler? Is the house safe for them or are there towers/piles in all rooms that could topple?

Can the 3 of them share a room? Would expect a baby or toddler to and if the room is large enough even an older child to.

You've said the kitchen and bathroom are fine - that's a great start!

Does your mum want to declutter or would she happily stay as it is if it weren't for your brother coming?

You've said alternately that you couldn't travel to your brother if he doesn't stay with you as you have your life there and that you could be away for 2/3 weeks. That's a bit confusing. Where would you go?

What is your room like? Could you stay with your fiance for some/all of the time and the 3 of them take your room?

Does your brother want to stay there for a full month? That's quite intense even in families without hoarding/anxiety etc. Planning for them to stay with your mum for a week, visit somewhere else for a week, back in an airbnb near your mum for a week then maybe a final week away with your mum too would sound much nicer and less stressful. Then you wouldn't need to find somewhere available for the whole month.

You need to talk to your brother and his fiancee about the plans. Find out what he wants to do. Does he have other friends or relatives he wants to visit or stay with while he is over? Will he pay towards some of the outside accommodation?

It sounds like your DM is ashamed of her home . Time to face facts shes needs a de clutter.
Be blunt with her that there is no alternative accommodation.
If she won't accept your help in dressing the rooms leave her to it .

There's 3 rooms. I am willing to give up my bed for the child and sleep in the recliner and that's something that will work. There's a few weeks that I will be away with work too.

My room is the better of the two rooms and I was willing to throw everything I have in the room into boxes and bags and move into the spare room to let them have my room if they wish. That is an option that could work.

I don't know what his plans are but I know him so much. They will be moving about here and there and getting free dates in air BnBs here and there whenever it's available.

So right now all they need is a stop of place where we also get a chance to see them for a little while. They will likely spend the whole time touring and coming and going. All they need is a place to leave their bags and put their heads down here and there.

I am home now and my mother still wants to find a place and pay whatever even 3000 to 4000 anything for a months accommodation for them.

I think it's scandalous when the money could be spent on home improvements. We will have to clean the place up anyways unless if she's hoping and telling them all to fuck off even for a sleepover once in a while.

What happens with short term rentals if your plans fall through?

I would be anxious if my mother does find a place and she pays a deposit and if plans fall through for the family the other side, woutmy mother still have to pay up because if something like that happens, she's not going to pay. So that's something else.

Don't spend another minute looking for accommodation - it is a waste of time.
Totally put your foot down on that - you will not look any more.

Then, when she has got over tantrumming / sulking / crying / lying in bed / threatening / whatever else she does, you and she can start to make plans - but you can't do anything until she accepts that the accommodation is just not happening.

Phone your brother if you think it will help, but I don't know what practical help that will be except to put off or cancel the visit, which is not a good outcome. At best he might help convince her of what you are saying about accommodation being impossible to find.

Instead, I thing the best thing to do is get your mum to pay you the £1000 and you project-manage the plan properly: short-term storage unit and man-with-a-van to get as much stuff as possible out of the house, paid professional deep clean, a bit of re-painting if necessary (may not be essential), a few new cushions, etc. Also make a plan to manage your mother's wellbeing during this time: can she go to stay with her friends or relatives for a couple of weeks? Can you contact her friends to take her out for several days-out? Worst case she sits in the kitchen / sitting room with the door shut so she doesn't have to watch the chaos. And keep promising her that NOTHING will be thrown away - you don't have the right to throw away any of her possessions, even her rubbish, and she needs to trust you on this.

Best of luck