To make child pay for his own uniform?

[Unifrom]

My child is 8 and is very unorganised, he’s constantly losing his belongings at school and with the cost of living I can’t keep up like this. They never get found/returned despite them all being labelled.

The latest thing is his fleece, that costs £19. Went missing on Monday and hasn’t been handed in, need to sort it. He gets pocket money at £2 per week and saves this up to buy something big, so he can cover this.

Me and DH can’t agree on whether he should have to pay for the cost of a new one out of pocket money.

So AIBU to think it would be a good life lesson for him to have to pay for a replacement? Or is he too young to have to pay for his own uniform?

That’s a bit black and white, the OP doesn’t say ‘I’m going to do x’ it says should I? I do agree there should be some kind of consequence either a small contribution, chores or even a damn good look for it but again some of the emotive language directed at even entertaining any kind of consequence is bizarre, there is one poster even purporting to nearly be in tears about the title ffs 🤦🏼‍♀️

My middle one (16) has significant disorganisation issues. No SEN.

We have spent years working on this with him. It has improved but he could still lose something in an otherwise empty room.

One of his issues has been he is quite timid so wouldn't chase things up for himself. But he learnt that this was necessary.

Lost labeled uniform was a big issue for us too. We lost so much I spoke with the teacher and school admin and agreed he could borrow from unclaimed lost property when things went missing.

Over time he has become better at locating lost items. He is a loveable affectionate young man but naturally lacks organisation - he goes too much with the laid back flow!

I think we all need to take personal responsibility and whilst loosing 9.5 weeks pocket money is a major punishment, I wonder if you could put a hold on spending that money for 9.5 weeks (or a certain period of time) and if he endevours to chase up the lost item x times he earns back the credit.

If he could engage in making a list of all the ways he could help to chase up/ look for/ locate lost items.

In parallel he could have a laminated check list on his book bag for stuff he needs to check he has when he leaves school each day. At first who ever collects would probably need to stand and run through the list with him - did you have a coat today, did you have a jumper, was it PE day, are your trainers back in your bag, was it forest school does that kit need to come home.

Don't do it for him or check for him, initiate him reading and running through the list until one day he comes out and informs you he has his coat, jumper, PE kit because he's picked up that he needs to do this EVERY DAY.

Lets face it, he will keep losing things and learning basic organisation skills isn't coming naturally so he needs to be taught to find a way to do it for himself. Without help, in the blink of an eye, he'll be a disorganised teen grunting at you when you're at the end of your teather with a uniform infringement letter from school.

I did similar with my DD once as she had explicitly not followed instructions to bring her jumper back to the tent rather than put it down in the play area. She has been much better at remembering since.

Yeah, have to agree it would be peculiar and quite mean to make an 8yr old pay for this. Maybe offer a small reward if he remembers it every day for a week instead.

Someone I know made her son not only pay for the 3rd coat he’d lost but also for her lunch whilst out replacing it and her parking, he didn’t lose it again. Before you fling her in prison he was in senior school.

Have you looked in lost property? Ring the school and they normally let you look my ds brand new 1w quid hat disappeared on his second day wearing it still never been found

But the emotive responses are about expecting the child to pay back £19, that would be very mean and it's surprising the OP doesn't realise it.

I doubt anyone would be crying about asking the DC to do the washing up or contribute £2 to the cost. It's about fairness, that's all.

Think secondary school is completely different.

Exactly, I find it confusing that a direct consequence of action or inaction would be seen as lazy as it doesn’t teach the ‘why’ isn’t that exactly what it teaches? I’ve been a lazy parent like you-then too and my kids are lovely

He had been told to stop jumping off the sofa three times. When I went out of the room, he jumped off it again and knocked a glass off the side table, which smashed. I asked him what he thought we should do about the broken glass and he said "Buy a new one". I asked with what money, and he said that he had some money in his piggy-bank. We looked online to see how much a similar glass would cost and he happily counted out the money from his piggy-bank and came with me to buy it the next day. I'm sorry some people think this is harsh but I actually don't feel like a particularly mean parent.

I agree with this. He’s old enough to get pocket money so he’s old enough to take some responsibility for his belongings. The people saying it’s cruel risk bringing up DC who become irresponsible adults.

We have had a fleece and two school jumpers go missing this year. They’ve not disappeared, they’ve been stolen. Certain parents actively encourage their children to target the better off kids - it’s disgusting. Yes, I could afford 5 jumpers/fleeces at the time but I can’t keep replacing them every five minutes! School didn’t give a shit.

Think about what lesson he will actually learn. Not what lesson you hope to teach. Now, you know your son.

Will he learn

I have to take better care of my things or my savings will decrease.

OR

My parents are stingy bastards and I'm very hard done by.

Because one is very positive, and the other is very negative; and the impact on his life will follow from the lesson HE LEARNS, not the lesson you hope to teach.

Hope that helps.

This.
I have debilitating anxiety around losing stuff. Which doesn’t help at all- it doesn’t stop me losing things, it just takes a lot of headspace.
Was it labelled @Unifrom ?

It doesn’t say £19 in the title, come onnnnnn 😂 So many things about this world are cruel and disgusting but someone asking this question is not, if you read the thread you will see plenty of people upset at the thought of even a nominal contribution.

Generally the children take off their tops, put them down, another child picks them up and takes it home and in general it looks like about a fifth of a classes’ parents bother checking when the WhatsApp post goes out, you’ll either never see it again or get a message last day of school or first day next year (from experience!!!)

My DS was like this. He even lost his shoelaces at one point. He was otherwise just a typical child. Turns out he's dyspraxic. It's hard to say whether your DS is just being careless and therefore a punishment might help, or if he simply cannot help it. I do appreciate how frustrating it is though.

I'd maybe start by putting in strategies to help him organise better such as limiting the items he needs to keep track of, getting him in the habit of counting the things he needs to have whenever he leaves somewhere (so like, school bag, coat, fleece, glasses) having things as constant and predictable as possible helps. My Ds is now in Uni and obvs older than yours so he uses the notes app/calendar/alarm in his phone to help him organise himself.

Maybe try some positive lessons first before diving into punishments.

So punishing kids who don’t understand is logical to you?

Do you honestly believe he's being careless and these items just "disappear"?

Exactly how do you think all these clothes just vanish into a puff of smoke never to be seen again?

Carelessness is one thing. Your items disappearing is another.

Yep, I did the same. I'd already called that morning and sent him with a note explaining. He came home saying they were giving him a detention and I went up the next morning and had a very firm word about it. It's ridiculous. Wearing trainers for a couple of days was in no way going to affect his actual education.

But I digress. Stuff go missing. Someone could've picked it up thinking it was theirs and now the kid is getting punished for it. Also ridiculous.

No I wouldn't. If you want to make a point to him. Maybe withdraw one week's pocket money.

I must be an absolute arsehole because I didn't think it sounded that bad. I probably wouldn't do 10 weeks but maybe 2 weeks would help him realise it's important to look after the things he already has. Even if it was 10 weeks I wouldn't think you were cruel or mean, why is MN so extreme with language? Kicking a puppy is cruel, temporarily withholding free money is not cruel.