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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH pulling out of his friend's wedding due to this

261 replies

TeenyQueen · 19/05/2022 14:17

This is actually DH's AIBU.
17 years ago when DH was a uni student he gave his friend free dental treatment. DH is an extremely loyal friend and he is still good friends with all of his old school friends.

This particular friend, call him John, is a total waste of space and made no effort with DH for years so they just lost touch, and they fell out years ago because I didn't invite him to DH's surprise birthday party. Anyway, DH and John are both ushers at their mutual friend's wedding this autumn and completely randomly John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!) ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding.

Now legally, John has zero case against DH because the treatment was done 17 years ago and there are other factors too, but now DH really doesn't want to go to this wedding and be forced to 'work' with
John for the whole day. He's actually worried that they'll end up getting into a fight if John tries to get into an argument with him. Their mutual friend, the groom, knows all about this and is annoyed with John, but still really wants DH to be there for him.

I can't go to the wedding because we have young DC and they haven't been invited, and the wedding is a 5 hour drive from home so we couldn't go up just for a day. I'm also breastfeeding the baby so I couldn't leave DC with anyone, not that we have family here who could look after them anyway.

So is DH BU wanting to back out, but I'm also a bit surprised that John will still be in the wedding party, even after he planned to use the wedding to ambush DH?

OP posts:
HSKAT · 19/05/2022 14:19

All ridiculous.

Your DH backing out of the wedding when it's not the grooms fault isn't fair.

John sounds like a nut job. Tell him to take legal action and see how far he gets, as you know, it won't be far.

Roghtab · 19/05/2022 14:20

What a horrible situation!

It would be a shame for your DH not to go to the wedding though. I'd suggest he goes but ignores John as much as possible. They can't fight if your DH doesn't engage with him.

TippledPink · 19/05/2022 14:20

Does the mutual friend know your DH is thinking about not going? What a random thing for John to be holding onto all this time.

Rainbowshine · 19/05/2022 14:20

Not unreasonable to back out but I would suggest that he use the family logistics as the reason and not the fact that John is being a pain in the backside.

5128gap · 19/05/2022 14:20

I think your DH is wise not to go. The groom is being naive to think it will work, and unfortunately needs to choose between your DH and John, or allow DH to withdraw.

Timeforabiscuit · 19/05/2022 14:21

Surely the groom would have considered this? Is there going to be a stag do before hand, if any feathers will be ruffled that would be the best place if any spirited discussions beforehand.

If not, then I can see why your dh wouldn't want this to distract from the happy couple day, does he particularly want to go?

HangOnToYourself · 19/05/2022 14:21

It's a bit unfair on the groom making him choose. I'd agree with above just calmly say ok sure bud let's discuss in court and avoid him as much as possible (John does sound like a fucking idiot tho)

Alovelydayatlast · 19/05/2022 14:22

Not sure trying to pacify such a knob at an event presumably that involves alcohol will he a great - or a successful idea.. Can dh meet John prior to the wedding?

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 19/05/2022 14:23

Unless he's the groom him not being there isn't going to have any affect on the day so in his shoes I'd kindly explain why he won't be able to make it

Good to see the standard MN 5 hour drive is still alive and well 😀

Tiani4 · 19/05/2022 14:24

If I were the bride or groom and found about this, I would disinvite the "friend" that was threatening to cause a scene at my wedding - how dare he use mutual friends wedding for this?!

Tiani4 · 19/05/2022 14:24

And also lolz that old friend thinks he can sue 17 years alerted and on what grounds?

RatherBeRiding · 19/05/2022 14:24

John is a complete chancer. In your DH's shoes I wouldn't back out - I'd reply to say all future communication must go through my solicitor and that it wasn't up for discussion. What was the status of this free dental treatment - was your DH a registered dentist, or a dentistry student? I'm not if this has any bearing but if the treatment was free and John wasn't a registered patient then I cannot see he has a leg to stand on, so let him sue and make an ass of himself! (He won't!). I might also be tempted to add to my text that any further communication on the issue could be construed as harrassment/attempted blackmail.

MangoBiscuit · 19/05/2022 14:25

In your DHs shoes, I think I'd be telling the groom that, given that it's very likely that John will kick off at some point, he's backing out to avoid something that causes a scene on what should be a happy occasion.

If he went as a guest, it would be much easier for him to avoid John.

Tessasanderson · 19/05/2022 14:26

Looks like John is an arsehole. Groom is an idiot to allow your DH to be put in this position. Groom can sort it in seconds by telling John he is an arsehole.

Sounds like DH is well shot of both of them and correctly deciding to pull out. Life is too short to put up with arseholes and people who allow others to be arseholes

Tiani4 · 19/05/2022 14:26

If you believe you have a valid claim for Dental Negligence, your solicitor can advice you on the best course of action, as there are time limits for making claims in the UK. By law, claimants must make their claims within three years from the date the negligent act occurred or the date you first became aware of the injury due to negligence. However, there are exceptions:
The general three-year limit does not apply when:
• The injured person lacks the mental capacity to make a claim. A time limit does not apply until they are mentally capable
• The injured person has passed away. The claim must now be made within three years of the death.
• The injured person is a child. The three-year limit only begins when the child turns 16 in Scotland and 18 in Wales and England.

PBJTime · 19/05/2022 14:27

I wouldn't back out. I'd tell John to take it to court and then chuckle because cheeky fucker John doesn't have a chance in court.

Tiani4 · 19/05/2022 14:29

I'd say go ahead and try to sue me. He had 3 years not 17 to make this claim. If he wasn't aware of any problems until recently I'd say it'll be very difficult to prove it was related to DHs treatment of him! It'd be almost impossible to prove and doubt any judge would think it was true!

Testina · 19/05/2022 14:30

I hope when you say he’s worried about getting into a fight, you mean verbal?

I reply to John and say, very very clearly, don’t you fucking dare being this up in my social time at a friend’s wedding, I am warning you now that I will not discuss it with you there.

I’d show the groom the message and any reply.

I’d attend, but be ready to walk away from John and - if necessary - walk out of the wedding.

Tessasanderson · 19/05/2022 14:33

Its going to end in a fight. If John is such an arsehole he is going to prod until it ends in a fight as he wont give a shit about spoiling everyones days. Your DH is being the sensible one by not putting himself in this position.

Trust me with drink, testosterone and arguing you will end up with more than just a disagreement to deal with.

Testina · 19/05/2022 14:34

Another thing I’d do… if groom, your husband and Arsehole John are friends from 17 years ago, are there other uni mates going? I’d contact them individually, drop John right in it, and ask them to have his back - look at for John collaring him - and be ready to step in change conversation. Let everyone see John for the arsehole he is.

AnotherEmma · 19/05/2022 14:35

Does your DH have friends attended the wedding other than the groom?

If I was your DH I would only do the 2x5 hour journey to attend a wedding with a pyscho if there were going to be enough friends there to make it bearable.

The fact that your kids aren't invited and so you can't go means that the groom can't be that desperate for DH to be there. I don't think he should guilt him into going if he won't be comfortable with it.

SystemOverloadedNameChange · 19/05/2022 14:37

John sounds like an absolute bellend.
If I was your DH I wouldn't go. I'd explain the groom that the chances of John causing a scene are high and that he has already mentioned this in his message. This could have the potential of ruining the wedding, particularly if John causes an actual fight and your DH does not want to risk their big day or force the groom into a "pick me" situation. Bow out gracefully, send a gift and card and don't reply to John. He's not got a leg to stand on and probably is relishing the idea of a good argument. Don't give him the satisfaction. If he sends a solicitor letter (doubtful) deal through them.

thisplaceisweird · 19/05/2022 14:38

Testina · 19/05/2022 14:34

Another thing I’d do… if groom, your husband and Arsehole John are friends from 17 years ago, are there other uni mates going? I’d contact them individually, drop John right in it, and ask them to have his back - look at for John collaring him - and be ready to step in change conversation. Let everyone see John for the arsehole he is.

I think something along these lines makes sense. Make everyone in the friendship group just aware of what's happening - no need to be all 'help me' but just a FYI this is going on and I think it'll cause drama.

Could he perhaps drop out of being an usher and just go as a guest?

saraclara · 19/05/2022 14:41

Testina · 19/05/2022 14:30

I hope when you say he’s worried about getting into a fight, you mean verbal?

I reply to John and say, very very clearly, don’t you fucking dare being this up in my social time at a friend’s wedding, I am warning you now that I will not discuss it with you there.

I’d show the groom the message and any reply.

I’d attend, but be ready to walk away from John and - if necessary - walk out of the wedding.

That. The groom is the important person here, so your husband should go.
.
Your DH needs to contact John and say that the subject is not up for discussion at the wedding, as it's the bride and groom's day and neither the time nor the place. But that he is open to taking about it at another time (when obviously the discussion will amount to 'see you in court', but he doesn't need to say that!)

TheNewlmprovedMrsMadEvans · 19/05/2022 14:41

He shouldn't go , this dickhead obviously thinks your Dh is a pushover & he can persuade your Dh to cough up.