DH pulling out of his friend's wedding due to this

[TeenyQueen]

This is actually DH's AIBU.
17 years ago when DH was a uni student he gave his friend free dental treatment. DH is an extremely loyal friend and he is still good friends with all of his old school friends.

This particular friend, call him John, is a total waste of space and made no effort with DH for years so they just lost touch, and they fell out years ago because I didn't invite him to DH's surprise birthday party. Anyway, DH and John are both ushers at their mutual friend's wedding this autumn and completely randomly John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!) ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding.

Now legally, John has zero case against DH because the treatment was done 17 years ago and there are other factors too, but now DH really doesn't want to go to this wedding and be forced to 'work' with
John for the whole day. He's actually worried that they'll end up getting into a fight if John tries to get into an argument with him. Their mutual friend, the groom, knows all about this and is annoyed with John, but still really wants DH to be there for him.

I can't go to the wedding because we have young DC and they haven't been invited, and the wedding is a 5 hour drive from home so we couldn't go up just for a day. I'm also breastfeeding the baby so I couldn't leave DC with anyone, not that we have family here who could look after them anyway.

So is DH BU wanting to back out, but I'm also a bit surprised that John will still be in the wedding party, even after he planned to use the wedding to ambush DH?

If friend still wants John at his wedding when he knows he's threatened to cause a huge scene and accuse DH of all sorts of crap then I don't think DH owes him anything. John sounds like a prick and someone it would be very sensible to stay well away from. Who needs a 5 hour trip to be abused by some crazed loser.

With all the details about the 5h drive, young DC etc it sounds like you don’t really want your DH to go and are looking for an excuse - apologies if that is not the case though!
Lots of good ideas above, personally I would play along, ask John for evidence, scans, written opinion from his current dentist (saying DH’s insurance will need this) and only after the wedding tell him to go to court if he wishes to.

Nah. Talk to the bride. Hopefully she will talk sense into the groom i.e. get AJ uninvited.

Sounds like weirdo John knows your DH does well and is looking to get some money off him.

I bet the chancer hasn't been to a dentist in 17 years.

If I knew one of my wedding party were threatening another and threatened to ruin my wedding, they'd be quickly uninvited.

Would DH be able to get a solicitor to write a legal letter denying any claim and stating the reasons it would not have any chance regarding negligence? The deliver by registered mail to John priorto the wedding.

He’s not BU to not want to go but he absolutely should.

The groom needs to tell John that he either keeps it to himself or he’s not invited.

Your DH needs to message John and say if you want to take it to court - fine.
But I won’t be discussing it with you anymore and especially not at someone else’s wedding.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed that John has complained about this before then I don’t think this is even about the tooth so if I was DH I’d be looking into why he doesn’t want him to be there - Is this John jealous and wants to be the only best man maybe?

John sounds the type to complain that the tablelamp he bought from BHS in 2014 has stopped working and they should replace the bulb.

Wish John well with the legal action. A least the lawyers will have a laugh at his expense.

😂

Hang on I havent rtft but am I right in thinking your DH did this dental work whilst at uni so not qualified? Or have I read that wrong?

John sounds awful, I think if he’s going to cause a scene it’s probably best your DH doesn’t go, why has the groom stayed in touch with this John if he’s as bad as you say he is?

John is a massive prick. I would go if I were your husband and say 'fuck off' every time John mentioned it.

It’s a tough one for your dh. I can understand why he doesn’t want to go. He risks being ambushed and any argument would cast a shadow over his friend’s wedding.

I can’t understand why the groom wants John there, if he knows that John will make a scene

Hellocatshome · 19/05/2022 18:05
Hang on I havent rtft but am I right in thinking your DH did this dental work whilst at uni so not qualified? Or have I read that wrong

just read the OP’s posts at least, she’s explained that it was done as part of his uni course at the student dental hospital, with John acting as a volunteer patient

You've read it right and perfectly acceptable under clinical supervision.

I would love to know why people do this.
Especially the ones that even say they haven’t RTFT, and where you could “see all” in not much more time than posting, and certainly less time than checking subsequent replies for an answer.

Just why?

Your DH should go to the wedding and ignore John as much as possible.

If John says anything, he should remain calm, and tell John:

1. Stop being a shit stirring cunt at their friends wedding

2 His solicitor has instructed him not to discuss anything regarding the dental issue and he looks forward to receiving John's solicitors letter.

The groom should have a word with John tbh

Just a thought, is it possible that John is deliberately trying to engineer your DH not going to the wedding? Why else would he say he was going to bring it up at the wedding, therefore laying the foundation for DH not going because he knows John is going to kick off, or at least that’s what john is hoping.

If he was going to bring it up at the wedding, then he would have brought it up at the wedding, surely? Not engineered it in such a way that dh knew he might and so wasn’t going to go as a result.

It depends on what you mean by "fight" - is John a volatile man? Is he the type to not care about spoiling the groom's wedding day? Although - as the groom is aware of the situation & John's unreasonableness, it won;t be on DH if John kicks off ...

John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!) ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him.

DH could pre-empt this nonsense of he takes the bull by the horns:
"Hi John
This is a bizarre message, & slightly worrying, although probably not in the way you wanted it to be.

There is no legal action you can take, as there is no case to answer - a fact you are already aware of, so I wonder why you made the legal reference? Coupled with your demand for £X thousand, it reads almost like a blackmail threat. Seriously dude - are you looking to extort cash with this insane demand?

The other concern is your state of mind. Your demand coinciding so neatly with grooms' forthcoming wedding is bizarre, given that you don't make any other effort to stay in touch. Can I urge you to bear in mind that Groom's wedding day is all about Groom & Bride, & not your desire to extort cash from me? In other words - mind your behaviour on the day, as it would be unfortunate if your ... strange request for me to hand you a large sum of money became an issue that spoiled the atmosphere of their day.

I do not want to hear about this again. If you are still deluded enough to want to pursue legal action - knock yourself out. But communicate that via lawyer, because I'm not interested in engaging with it.

Finally - let's keep relations cordial on Groom's day. I won't mention your embarrassing faux pas if you don't. I suggest you contact a dentist for whatever help you need with your teeth - regards for now.
DH"

I'd hazard a guess it's wilfully misunderstanding/not bothering to read the OP and trying to stir up a bit of drama in the hope that the DH was indeed doing some illegal dentistry using household pliers at the kitchen table so that John's rage would be justified, there would be a lovely pile-on and the OP would end up feeling like shit.

Put the bride and groom first -you can't just back out of the wedding. John can be the dickhead at the wedding and your DH can have a great time around other people, while supporting his friend's special day.

John sounds very fixed on making a scene.
I would decline and say why. The B&G won't thank you on the day if there is a fight! Really they won't, so bail out now and send a nice gift and card.

The wedding is not for a close friend or relative, dh should give it a miss and spend the money doing something lovely with you and dc.

The questions were answered in the OP's posts

Your dh WBU to pull out without discussing with the groom first, it's not the groom's fault. Groom ideally would at least tell John to wind his neck in and not bring it up, if he can't/won't tell John to stand down from his duties.