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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH pulling out of his friend's wedding due to this

261 replies

TeenyQueen · 19/05/2022 14:17

This is actually DH's AIBU.
17 years ago when DH was a uni student he gave his friend free dental treatment. DH is an extremely loyal friend and he is still good friends with all of his old school friends.

This particular friend, call him John, is a total waste of space and made no effort with DH for years so they just lost touch, and they fell out years ago because I didn't invite him to DH's surprise birthday party. Anyway, DH and John are both ushers at their mutual friend's wedding this autumn and completely randomly John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!) ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding.

Now legally, John has zero case against DH because the treatment was done 17 years ago and there are other factors too, but now DH really doesn't want to go to this wedding and be forced to 'work' with
John for the whole day. He's actually worried that they'll end up getting into a fight if John tries to get into an argument with him. Their mutual friend, the groom, knows all about this and is annoyed with John, but still really wants DH to be there for him.

I can't go to the wedding because we have young DC and they haven't been invited, and the wedding is a 5 hour drive from home so we couldn't go up just for a day. I'm also breastfeeding the baby so I couldn't leave DC with anyone, not that we have family here who could look after them anyway.

So is DH BU wanting to back out, but I'm also a bit surprised that John will still be in the wedding party, even after he planned to use the wedding to ambush DH?

OP posts:
VerveClique · 19/05/2022 15:42

Your DH needs to sort this with John straight away. The wedding is not until the autumn FFS!

"Hi John, I've heard you're having some bother with your tooth, you really should see your dentist about that. I know I did some work for you years ago, and if you want to have that looked into, then you will need to contact the school where I trained in the first instance. Also John, I don't appreciate you tying this up with the wedding, it's really got nothing to do with the groom."

And then let the groom know what he has done, and go to the wedding, and carry on with John like nothing has happened. If John brings it up - just repeat the above.

How awful for the groom to have to deal with one usher causing a problem with another usher like this. Out of friendship with the groom, your DH should deal with this as per the above.

SunshineAndFizz · 19/05/2022 15:45

Luculentus · 19/05/2022 15:25

Given that the treatment was given in a supervised hospital clinic, if John has any cause of action it's against the hospital. It would probably be simplest for your husband to point that out to him and give him the address to which he should direct his claim.

100% this.

DH go to the wedding, it would be unfair to the groom. This isn't his fault.

Just calmly give this answer in a 'my hands are tied' way and say you don't want to talk about it any further, especially at the wedding.

BluebellField · 19/05/2022 15:46

If I was your DH, I would still go to the wedding. He's going to support his friend.

If John starts an argument, he will be the one to look stupid. He will be showing his true colours. If this does happen, your DH can remove himself from the room. He shouldn't even bother to engage in any arguments.

John should not ruin the wedding for your DH.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/05/2022 15:49

HummingQuietly · 19/05/2022 15:14

Now legally, John has zero case against DH because the treatment was done 17 years ago and there are other factors too, but now DH really doesn't want to go to this wedding and be forced to 'work' with
John for the whole day.

Ideally your DH should contact John ahead of the wedding, call his bluff, and calmly tell him to take it through his insurance. No one just stumps up thousands from their own money just to prevent a spurious case against them. John needs to know his blackmail is not going to work. I sympathise with your husband, but the grown up thing to do would be to face this off ahead of the wedding.

I think this is how to handle the situation and ensure your dh can attend the wedding.

Original poster
TeenyQueen · 19/05/2022 15:50

@ivykaty44 the wedding is in central Scotland, we live in England. I know the 5 hour drive might sound like a cliche but in this case it's actually accurate!

Not important, but DH's friends aren't from uni, he's met them at primary/secondary school. Don't ask me why anyone is still friends with John, it must be some kind of Scottish loyalty thing.

OP posts:
ElenaSt · 19/05/2022 15:55

If it was free dental work then there was no contract between either party so how can he sue?

jessycake · 19/05/2022 16:01

I would show the messages to the mutual friend and let him decide

burnoutbabe · 19/05/2022 16:06

can;t he just pass on the details of the dental school and tell him he'll need to raise it with them. and see what the response back is. Try to look helpful.

Sidisawetlettuce · 19/05/2022 16:07

Tessasanderson · 19/05/2022 14:26

Looks like John is an arsehole. Groom is an idiot to allow your DH to be put in this position. Groom can sort it in seconds by telling John he is an arsehole.

Sounds like DH is well shot of both of them and correctly deciding to pull out. Life is too short to put up with arseholes and people who allow others to be arseholes

That's a lot of arseholes.

HedgehogintheFog · 19/05/2022 16:12

burnoutbabe · 19/05/2022 16:06

can;t he just pass on the details of the dental school and tell him he'll need to raise it with them. and see what the response back is. Try to look helpful.

This with bells on. It I were your DH, I would be bending over backwards to be helpful beforehand and still go to the wedding. I bet John won't actually say anything once they are there.

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 19/05/2022 16:17

Presumably as a dental student he had indemnity arrangements in place if he was providing treatment under supervision? I'm a doctor, and if similar happened to me, I'd wait for any claim to come in, then pass it straight to my indemnity provider (+/- NHS Resolution). Not sure exactly how it works for dentists but presumably the same general principle. I'm not sure what John hopes to achieve with his ambush - it's not between him and DH, it's between John and the indemnity provider or dental school or whoever is responsible.

If I were DH, I'd make the groom and other mutual friends aware of the potential for drama. The groom needs to be aware so he can tell John to either keep quiet or stay away.

GenderAtheist · 19/05/2022 16:19

If your husband is a GDP then he should know what to do. Which is speak to John and tell him to see his own dentist. If he has a complaint about the treatment 17 years ago he needs to contact the dental hospital where it was carried out. He also needs to explain that he can’t and will not discuss the matter further with John.

Then your husband should refuse to discuss it with anyone including you and you should stop posting about it on the internet. Your husband has a duty of patient confidentiality to John.

He must also stop talking about it with the groom and explain why.

Your husband might consider contacting his defence union.

Im surprised that a practising dentist doesn’t seem to know the correct way to handle such matters.

HollowTalk · 19/05/2022 16:20

It sounds as though he hasn't gone to a dentist in the intervening years!

headofpotsandpans · 19/05/2022 16:20

it must be some kind of Scottish loyalty thing

Just FYI, we're not all idiots who maintain friendships with horrible people just because they also happen to be Scottish.

Trivester · 19/05/2022 16:21

I this is a bit of an alcoholics prayer situation - change the things you can and accept the things you can’t actually control.

Your dh can make a decision not to go and hinbu but to decide what the groom should or shouldn’t do is not fair.

You have no idea what the relationship between John and the groom is, why he’s been asked to be an usher. Things that look manifestly unfair from one perspective might not be so clear cut from another.

I’m going to hazard a guess that the groom might be so used to accommodating John, that he doesn’t understand why your dh won’t (it’s a form of the Missing Stair Phenomenon if you want to Google that) so from his perspective it’s your dh who is being unreasonable here.

You can and should decide what your boundaries are, what you are personally comfortable with but you don’t have control over what other people think of you.

This could be a friendship breaker - for the groom because dh doesn’t come to his wedding, or for dh because the groom didn’t take his side.

Life throws up situations that show us things about our friends and loved ones that we’d rather not know. Sometimes there’s no clear cut right path to take - you just have to pick a path and accept the consequences.

diddl · 19/05/2022 16:23

I think that it's entirely up to your husband tbh.

If he thinks that John might cause a scene & he cba with that then why not decline?

It sounds as if he might argue with Op's husband even if he does try to sort things out first.

saraclara · 19/05/2022 16:25

speak to John and tell him to see his own dentist. If he has a complaint about the treatment 17 years ago he needs to contact the dental hospital where it was carried out. He also needs to explain that he can’t and will not discuss the matter further with John.

Whether or not this applies in this case, it's a useful strategy to use. "Sorry John, as it seems that you plan to take the legal course through this, I'm unable to discuss it with you, whether before, during or after the wedding, as doing so would affect your claim"

Merryhobnobs · 19/05/2022 16:26

I am not sure what you mean about some sort of 'Scottish loyalty thing'. This has nothing to do with him being Scottish.

Hawkins001 · 19/05/2022 16:30

TeenyQueen · 19/05/2022 15:20

With regards to the free treatment as someone asked, it was done at the dental hospital when DH was a student as part of his training. Obviously dental students need real patients to practice on and DH offered John this free treatment to help him out. There is absolutely zero legal case to answer to
A. Because DH was a student working under the supervision of clinical teachers and John would have signed a document to say he was happy being treated by a student.

B. It was such a long time ago that clinical records would have been destroyed a long time ago, hence no dental records

C. According to the groom John has mentioned this tooth a couple of times over the years but hasn't tried to make a claim, you have 12 months generally to make a claim once you notice a problem.

D. John is a waste of space who spends his days smoking weed and playing video games so I doubt he'd manage to actually speak to a solicitor.

He must know he's got no case so he's using this wedding as an opportunity to try to stir trouble.

with that in mind, call his bluff

CorsicaDreaming · 19/05/2022 16:34

HSKAT · 19/05/2022 14:19

All ridiculous.

Your DH backing out of the wedding when it's not the grooms fault isn't fair.

John sounds like a nut job. Tell him to take legal action and see how far he gets, as you know, it won't be far.

This is it in a nutshell 🤣

Seems really unfair on the groom for your DH to back out over this.

John should be asked by the groom to promise not to raise it on the day - and if he cannot do that not to attend.

Then groom could be asked to ensure their usher duties are as far away from each other as possible (opposite sides of church for seating people, sitting on different tables for meal etc. )

Or... DH could go along with it and ask John to provide evidence for DH to consider / get advice on - photos / gp report / dental records and x-rays, etc - spin it out til after the wedding - tell him after the event that he is a CF and can stuff it where the sun don't shine... unless he may possibly have a case, as this may look like accepting some kind of responsibility..

billy1966 · 19/05/2022 16:35

I think if your husband isn't interested in this drama then he doesn't have to go.

The groom knows what is going on and hasn't stepped in to sort John out.

The groom's choice of usher is HIS problem, if the usher is sending threatening texts to another member of the wedding party.

I don't blame your husband to not fancy a 5 hour drive to be in such company.

HollowTalk · 19/05/2022 16:36

I agree with the poster who said your husband should refer him to his old dental school.

MercurialMonday · 19/05/2022 16:46

I wouldn't want to go to an event where I'd been told to be expected to be ambushed at.

I'd be more willing if I wasn't going by myself - but as that's not possible then why spend time and money for a event that you may end up nearer time dreading.

I expect the groom doesn't want to get involved in any way - thus hasn't rescinded John's invite - why open that can of worms for themsleves - but I also expect if anything did happen at the wedding both John and your DH would be blamed.

If your DH really wants to go - then getting other attendees on side and hoping they step in if John tries to kick off or trying to defuse situaton before hand with John are all worth trying - if he's not that bothered then I'd stick with not going.

Though I agree it may occur that face to face John doesn't end up saying anything or is actually fairly easy to shut down - but I assume yoru DH knows what he's like so can best judge that.

If groom really wanted him there he had option of rescinding John's invite or reassuring your DH that other's there will step in and help your DH defuse any potentail situations - so while he's saying he wants him there he's not actually done anything after being informed about John's behavior to make that possible.

Sweepingeyelashes · 19/05/2022 16:46

@ElenaSt
There is something called the law of torts... People can indeed sue without a contract. Not relevant in this case because it sounds like John agreed to be treated by a student dentist and he got free dental care as a result.

FirewomanSam · 19/05/2022 16:49

Wild guess here but are you and your husband relatively well off compared with this John moron? It sounds like he’s heard you guys have some money and has decided to try and shake down your husband for the most ridiculous reason.

it’s so completely stupid and clear cut that if I were your husband I’d have to fully laugh in John’s face and say ‘nice try mate, if you’re serious you can contact the dental school but you’re obviously joking right? Good one’ and then don’t even entertain any further conversation about it.