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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH pulling out of his friend's wedding due to this

261 replies

TeenyQueen · 19/05/2022 14:17

This is actually DH's AIBU.
17 years ago when DH was a uni student he gave his friend free dental treatment. DH is an extremely loyal friend and he is still good friends with all of his old school friends.

This particular friend, call him John, is a total waste of space and made no effort with DH for years so they just lost touch, and they fell out years ago because I didn't invite him to DH's surprise birthday party. Anyway, DH and John are both ushers at their mutual friend's wedding this autumn and completely randomly John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!) ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding.

Now legally, John has zero case against DH because the treatment was done 17 years ago and there are other factors too, but now DH really doesn't want to go to this wedding and be forced to 'work' with
John for the whole day. He's actually worried that they'll end up getting into a fight if John tries to get into an argument with him. Their mutual friend, the groom, knows all about this and is annoyed with John, but still really wants DH to be there for him.

I can't go to the wedding because we have young DC and they haven't been invited, and the wedding is a 5 hour drive from home so we couldn't go up just for a day. I'm also breastfeeding the baby so I couldn't leave DC with anyone, not that we have family here who could look after them anyway.

So is DH BU wanting to back out, but I'm also a bit surprised that John will still be in the wedding party, even after he planned to use the wedding to ambush DH?

OP posts:
Coldenough4snow · 19/05/2022 14:45

I want to know more about the free dental treatment. Is DH a dentist?

LauraNicolaides · 19/05/2022 14:45

Is your husband still a dentist, with indemnity insurance? I'd be inclined to be entirely good-natured with John, without putting anything in writing, and certainly without admitting any liability, and tell him to go through the insurers and that you will cooperate fully so that it can get properly sorted out through official channels. Then after the wedding to cut off all contact. (Clearly the answer from the insurers will be "no"!)

HotWashCycle · 19/05/2022 14:50

Your DH should not back out. his loyalty is to his friend the groom, and he should not be intimidated by someone who is now a non-friend from going to the wedding to support his real mate. If the groom is aware of the issue, he can either disinvite John, or tell him that his wedding is not the right time or place to take up the dentistry matter - it can wait until a later date. (And then your DH can ignore John if he gets in touch). No way should he follow the suggestion upthread to meet with John beforehand. He is no longer a friend - treat him as such. Be polite on the day but distant, and don't get into any discussion or argument. It is the groom and bride's day, not an occasion for old scores.

ZekeZeke · 19/05/2022 14:51

I think your DH is being very sensible by not attending. No way would I put myself in that position. John is a CF and would ruin his friends day. Stay clear and block.
The groom sounds like he has no gumption whatsoever.

5128gap · 19/05/2022 14:52

Testina · 19/05/2022 14:30

I hope when you say he’s worried about getting into a fight, you mean verbal?

I reply to John and say, very very clearly, don’t you fucking dare being this up in my social time at a friend’s wedding, I am warning you now that I will not discuss it with you there.

I’d show the groom the message and any reply.

I’d attend, but be ready to walk away from John and - if necessary - walk out of the wedding.

But people don't always do what they're told do they? Having to walk out on the wedding would be awful for both the groom and the bride and very unfair. If DH says he's not going then the groom has advance warning and can choose whether to include John or DH.

Problemmo · 19/05/2022 14:52

I think DH should contact the groom with screenshots of John’s messages and explain he can’t go if John is going to be there for this reason. Then it’s up to the groom to decide whether he’d prefer to have DH there or the blackmailer.

JudgeJ · 19/05/2022 14:55

Rainbowshine · 19/05/2022 14:20

Not unreasonable to back out but I would suggest that he use the family logistics as the reason and not the fact that John is being a pain in the backside.

I would make sure that everyone knows before the wedding about John's demands 17 years later and I would make him look a total fool. If he doesn't go and makes some feeble excuse then John has won, the floor is then clear for him to besmirch your OH's good name.

YetAnotherNameChange111 · 19/05/2022 14:57

Coldenough4snow · 19/05/2022 14:45

I want to know more about the free dental treatment. Is DH a dentist?

I'm going out on a limb here and saying "yes he is"

😂

Notagain76 · 19/05/2022 14:57

In you husbands shoes, i would just agree to what he wants silently, no witnesses, then block him.

Sweepingeyelashes · 19/05/2022 14:57

Your DH is being very sensible. Avoiding John will not stop him creating a scene nor will it stop him throwing a punch. I'd be worried about your husband's hands getting damaged. John is a man who is unhappy about some free dental treatment 17 years ago and want thousands of pounds or he'll sue. For heaven's sake don't mention your medical insurers - they are not going to cover this and it will just get John more worked up and maybe suggest that your husband did something wrong. The groom is a disloyal fool. He can't just abdicate responsibility. He can choose John or your husband - he can't have both

Iamnotamermaid · 19/05/2022 14:57

If the groom is happy for DH to be there he should go. DH should tell John to take legal action as he is not going to be bullied into handing over ££££.

John sounds like a bit of a chancer who is using groom's wedding to try and force DH hand & avoid a scene.

DH & groom should be on the same page with a plan should John decide to kick off on the big day.

Redburnett · 19/05/2022 14:58

In your DH's shoes I would politely back out of the wedding and explain to groom friend that John has threatened to cause a scene and the decision not to attend is to avoid any possibility of this happening and spoiling friend's wedding. I would try and avoid getting friend involved in the 'argument' as it would not be fair. Your DH is being sensible and can make it up to his friend later in some way. YANBU.

JudgeJ · 19/05/2022 14:59

MangoBiscuit · 19/05/2022 14:25

In your DHs shoes, I think I'd be telling the groom that, given that it's very likely that John will kick off at some point, he's backing out to avoid something that causes a scene on what should be a happy occasion.

If he went as a guest, it would be much easier for him to avoid John.

Why do most people think it's OK to let John get away with this while the OP's husband backs down?

AntarcticTern · 19/05/2022 15:02

I think your DH should go, it's not fair on the groom otherwise.

saraclara · 19/05/2022 15:03

Dragging the groom into this by making him choose between them is entirely unfair.

The only conversation that needs to be had with the groom is how he wants to DH to handle it if John kicks off. If he wants DH there, they need to at least have an agreed strategy.

Lavenderlast · 19/05/2022 15:03

The groom knew that two of his friends had fqllen out and lost touch and he asked them both to be ushers anyway? Sounds like part of this is the groom’s fault: you don’t invite people to benin the wedding party who you know aren’t speaking!

DH isn’t unreasonable if he pulls out of the wedding. That is what I would do. (Or perhaps I might tell John to meet me to discuss it at the wedding reception after the meal, and then leave before the meal and stand up John 😬)

I wouldn’t worry too much about the groom, he caused some of this drama by (a) staying pals with a bell end and (b) making them both ushers when he knows they clash.

ShirleyPhallus · 19/05/2022 15:04

Agree with everyone

As an aside, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an actual post which could be “outing” in such a way as this very specific scenario!

JudgeJ · 19/05/2022 15:04

I had a filling replaced through private insurance on a Tuesday, on Saturday it fell out and as we were flying half way round the world next day and couldn't get an appointment locally with a Denplan dentist on a Saturday I went to the NHS place in town and the dentist on duty was the one who'd put it in a few days earlier. He did it again but I had to pay the NHS rate, never occured to me to sue him!

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 19/05/2022 15:05

I think he should go but have a note book and make a serious face with lots and nodding and jot down everything John says whilst muttering things like “John states that..” and “John reports..” the. Say thanks John would you like a copy of the minutes for your legal team.

johns a wanker treat him as such

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 19/05/2022 15:05

JudgeJ · 19/05/2022 14:59

Why do most people think it's OK to let John get away with this while the OP's husband backs down?

Show quote history

Seemingly in this case because John is set on being an arsehole and the groom won't take any action to avoid it. So OPs DH is taking the hit, for himself as much as the groom.

When people around you don't recognise the potential drama what else can you do? I'd be wishing the groom well and leaving them to it.

5128gap · 19/05/2022 15:06

JudgeJ · 19/05/2022 14:59

Why do most people think it's OK to let John get away with this while the OP's husband backs down?

Show quote history

Pragmatism. Your friends wedding is not the time and place to excercise your right to the moral high ground if its going to spoil their day.

Merryoldgoat · 19/05/2022 15:06

Frankly the groom should sort this.

If it were my wedding and my friends I’d call ‘John’ and say that he was no longer invited as he was planning to use my wedding for his nonsense.

If I were your DH I too would cancel. A wedding isn’t a reason to expose yourself to toxic nonsense.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/05/2022 15:06

Iamnotamermaid · 19/05/2022 14:57

If the groom is happy for DH to be there he should go. DH should tell John to take legal action as he is not going to be bullied into handing over ££££.

John sounds like a bit of a chancer who is using groom's wedding to try and force DH hand & avoid a scene.

DH & groom should be on the same page with a plan should John decide to kick off on the big day.

This

and 17yrs ago and he wants compo

maddy68 · 19/05/2022 15:06

He should just laugh at the suing him

Just block

I wouldn't go but I would blame childcare

Reallyreallyborednow · 19/05/2022 15:12

I want to know more about the free dental treatment. Is DH a dentist?

o/p says at the time he was in uni, so possibly a dental student?

was the “treatment” was unsupervised in their shared house kitchen, or officially as a dental student in the dental school? There’s a big difference as one would be covered by professional indemnity, the other not.

if john has only just become aware of the damage done by this treatment he has three years from that date to take action if pp’s are correct.

there may also be an issue if the treatment was not through the dental school. I’m no lawyer but pretty sure unqualified students aren’t allowed to practice dentistry on their mates

without knowing the full story it’s difficult to say whether john has any case.

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