DH pulling out of his friend's wedding due to this

[TeenyQueen]

This is actually DH's AIBU.
17 years ago when DH was a uni student he gave his friend free dental treatment. DH is an extremely loyal friend and he is still good friends with all of his old school friends.

This particular friend, call him John, is a total waste of space and made no effort with DH for years so they just lost touch, and they fell out years ago because I didn't invite him to DH's surprise birthday party. Anyway, DH and John are both ushers at their mutual friend's wedding this autumn and completely randomly John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!) ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding.

Now legally, John has zero case against DH because the treatment was done 17 years ago and there are other factors too, but now DH really doesn't want to go to this wedding and be forced to 'work' with
John for the whole day. He's actually worried that they'll end up getting into a fight if John tries to get into an argument with him. Their mutual friend, the groom, knows all about this and is annoyed with John, but still really wants DH to be there for him.

I can't go to the wedding because we have young DC and they haven't been invited, and the wedding is a 5 hour drive from home so we couldn't go up just for a day. I'm also breastfeeding the baby so I couldn't leave DC with anyone, not that we have family here who could look after them anyway.

So is DH BU wanting to back out, but I'm also a bit surprised that John will still be in the wedding party, even after he planned to use the wedding to ambush DH?

Isn’t this extortion? Tell the guy you’ve referred the matter to the police. You’ll never hear from him again.

I’m cringing so hard At this my toes genuinely curled…can you imagine, this whole take my side not his petty school kid shit…god it’s painful.

Seriously, why? This dispute has absolutely nothing to do with the groom. The only connection is that John has said he wants to discuss the dental issue with DH at the wedding. It is NOT the groom's issue to solve. It's four or five months until the wedding, and it's up to the two people.in the dispute to resolve this in that time, or to agree not to bring it to the event, and not screw up their friends wedding. The friend who has NOTHING to do with this dispute.

Why on earth should he have to give this crap the tiniest amount of headspace?

Do you really want someone at your wedding who purposely wants to cause trouble ?!? Her DH has done nothing wrong and yes I get it’s not the Grooms problem but I wouldn’t want someone there trying to cause issues. Op has already said the guy was kicking off for not being best man so he just wants trouble any way he can get it!

Sorry, but all this sounds too ridiculous for words.

It's not extortion or demanding with menaces. For that to be the case the threats would have to be beating someone up, kidnapping their dog, or something like that. Saying you'll go to court for a judge to decide isnt extortion otherwise all solicitors dealing with civil claims would be extortioners.

Before you take someone to court, it's always advisable to try and sort the matter out without incurring legal costs.or at the most, solicitors letter. The courts own website advise that. The claim might be crap, it certainly sounds crap, but it doesn't mean he isn't entitled to pursue it.

However, all that aside, I wanted to apologise. I shouldn't have written anything to you. I'm sorry about that. For some reason last night I was annoyed about this thread. But looking at it today, I can't believe I read past the first few posts. Two grown men that can't sort this out and would put the groom into an awkward situation because they can't have a sensible discussion, without being aggressive or scared is ridiculous. But I can see a lot of people are invested in this so I'm out of kilter with them. I only answered you because you addressed me directly and I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you. 🙂

We don’t bit since the only person who can disinvite John is the groom, and he is apparently cool with all this, OP’s DH has limited options and not going is probably the least worst.

DH has limited options and not going is probably the least worst.

I disagree. The least worst option is to communicate with John like a grown up, and at the very least, insist that this isn't discussed at the wedding, because it world be inappropriate and unfair. That way he doesn't let the groom down, and he's not been a complete coward about this.

Getting the groom involved and expecting him to sort it out, or just not fulfilling his role or even attending his friend's wedding, is a cowardly and hurtful way out. The groom is the victim in both those scenarios. DH needs to man up. He's got months to sort this out and still turn up on the day.

John sounds deranged and I wouldn't want to be around him after a few drinks at a wedding. This is not how friends behave.

In your DH's shoes my response would be 'So sue me.' If I were him I wouldn't go. If I were you I'd support him not to go. I might travel for five hours to have a good time but not to risk being set on by a former friend with a chip on his shoulder. The groom has handled this badly. If I knew someone was trying to extort or blackmail one of the other guests they wouldn't be invited to my wedding.

I think your DH is doing the right thing. He doesn't want to cause a scene at the wedding, and he knows you can't force other people to act like decent adults.

If your DH goes to the wedding, poor John may end up needing way more dental treatment than he already does.

If I knew someone was trying to extort or blackmail one of the other guests they wouldn't be invited to my wedding.

John is being unreasonable, but he is neither using extortion nor blackmailing DH.

He is threatening to take him to court. He stands no chance. He's stupid, but he's not doing anything that should involve the groom.

Exactly so. This shouldn't involve the groom. Or the bride. Or any of the other guests.
The only way DH can be sure to avoid those things is by avoiding the wedding - at least the after-party.

He could try discussing with John first, but if John's the sort of person to think a wedding's the ideal time for this discussion I wouldn't trust him not to revisit the topic on the day.
He could explain to the groom, then say no more and let him decide what he wants to do. (DH should be very clear that in the current circumstances he simply can't attend. Don't let groom think if he does nothing DH will turn up.)
The only other option I can see is to visit at a convenient date and take bride and groom for a meal.
Unless this is a massive wind up. Does John have a very dark sense of humour? Is this a result of not seeing each other for years, and the dentistry is the first thing that comes to John's mind to have a laugh over. Is he, perhaps, still very grateful for that generous gift?
Please DH, protect your sensitive and precious hands.

I think your husband is doing the sensible thing by not going as John sounds like a trouble maker he will ruin the wedding. It’s best your husband stays away and at least the groom knows why he won’t be there. It would be awkward if he went as anything could go wrong. It’s the perfect excuse to back out I am surprised the groom hadn’t banned John as it’s a ticking time bomb and these things can turn nasty especially at a wedding where anything can happen. Let us know how it goes.

If I was the groom and I knew about John's behaviour then John would be swiftly uninvited. What awful behaviour from a grown man that has had 17 good years with the dental work.
CF!

The groom spoke to DH about it last night and said that he will speak to John to say that this matter will absolutely not be discussed at the wedding and John needs to behave himself. Hopefully knowing that the groom knows about his behaviour will make John pull out. The groom is supportive of DH but I don't think he understands the full malicious intent behind John's actions.

The reason that this is such a big deal is that John is threatening to make an official complaint, which will take up DH's time and energy even if the complaint is completely baseless. In a profession like his reputation is everything, and DH has worked like a dog to build a great reputation and takes great pride in his work. In a worse case scenario even his registration and livelihood might be at risk, although John's claim is so ridiculous that it won't come to that. But basically someone making an official complaint against you is very serious, and to use that as a threat to get money from you is just outrageous.

Had John come to DH in a calm and civil manner asking for his help DH would actually have done his best to try to help him out. Instead he went straight to give me money or 'I will have no choice but to put an official complaint against you'.

If John is that convinced of the rightness of his cause, surely he would follow your DH's advice and go after the hospital?

The reality is that he thinks he can bully/blackmail it out of your husband. I suspect ultimately your husband will have to tell him sue/complain or be damned. For what it's worth, I doubt that a ridiculous complaint will really affect your DH much. Friends of mine who are lawyers reckon its virtually a rite of passage to have at least one client make a ludicrous official complaint against them.

Ah that's good. I think as long as groom has said to John that he doesn't wants it discussed, hubby can go,conscience cleans.
If John kicks off then groom was for-armed.

What does the groom propose to do if John agrees not to mention this at the wedding but breaks his promise? He needs to have some sort of effective sanction that means John keeps to his word.

I think this is DH's call to make. It all depends HOW much he wants to go to the wedding.
Leave it up to him to decide, and he can deal with the fall-out either way.

But basically someone making an official complaint against you is very serious, and to use that as a threat to get money from you is just outrageous.

Had John come to DH in a calm and civil manner asking for his help DH would actually have done his best to try to help him out. Instead he went straight to give me money or 'I will have no choice but to put an official complaint against you'.

Me being the person I am, would’ve sent a message back to John to say “Threatening someone for money, is blackmail/extortion. I will have no choice but to contact the Police and put in a complaint about YOU John, should you persist in threatening me in this way. So do not attempt to bring this up at the wedding and disrupt grooms day. I’ve advised you of the correct channels to take up your concerns. I will not discuss the matter further”.

Might make him shit his pants enough to back off. Obviously it might not, but I wouldn’t be able to resist letting him know that I can make official complaints about him too. I’ve always loved the lesson of the old ‘playing people at their own game’.

But like I said, that’s just me! 😁😁

I think your DH is behaving very honourably and respectfully, trying to ensure the grooms day isn’t ruined by John the Dickhead.

Good point

I'm glad the groom is having words with John. Given that John had already thrown a hissy fit and refused to go on the stag, I think it highly likely that he'll pull out of the wedding too. Let's hope so

I get that it’s a horrible situation, but I don’t think your husband should worry with regard to the complaint. I’m not sure what the deal is in dentistry, but in the NHS (for nurses etc), notes are kept for 7 years and you have that time to bring a case about any injury caused by malpractice. In midwifery it is the same, except for when it’s the baby who has been injured , rather than the mother. In that case it’s 25 years (18 years for the baby to become an adult and then the standard 7 years). The guy can make a complaint to whoever the Governing body is for dentists (for us it’s the Nursing and Midwifery Council), but only if your husband has done something that would bring the reputation of the profession into disrepute and not because he’s unhappy with some treatment he received 17 years ago.

With regard to the personal side of this though, I can only imagine how hurt and angry your husband is. This guy sounds absolutely awful, as well as being ungrateful for the fact he received free dental treatment. I can totally understand that he wouldn’t want to be a part of the wedding, but I think if I was him I would be a bit annoyed with the groom too. He knows what’s going on, agrees with your husband and is annoyed with John and yet is keeping him in the wedding party. Why, why, why would anyone want to be friends with someone like that?

Can the groom have a word with friends at the wedding and say that if John stays to step out of line they will intervene and kick him out. That way the groom won't have to worry on the day and your dh won't have to deal with it on his own