DH pulling out of his friend's wedding due to this

[TeenyQueen]

This is actually DH's AIBU.
17 years ago when DH was a uni student he gave his friend free dental treatment. DH is an extremely loyal friend and he is still good friends with all of his old school friends.

This particular friend, call him John, is a total waste of space and made no effort with DH for years so they just lost touch, and they fell out years ago because I didn't invite him to DH's surprise birthday party. Anyway, DH and John are both ushers at their mutual friend's wedding this autumn and completely randomly John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!) ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding.

Now legally, John has zero case against DH because the treatment was done 17 years ago and there are other factors too, but now DH really doesn't want to go to this wedding and be forced to 'work' with
John for the whole day. He's actually worried that they'll end up getting into a fight if John tries to get into an argument with him. Their mutual friend, the groom, knows all about this and is annoyed with John, but still really wants DH to be there for him.

I can't go to the wedding because we have young DC and they haven't been invited, and the wedding is a 5 hour drive from home so we couldn't go up just for a day. I'm also breastfeeding the baby so I couldn't leave DC with anyone, not that we have family here who could look after them anyway.

So is DH BU wanting to back out, but I'm also a bit surprised that John will still be in the wedding party, even after he planned to use the wedding to ambush DH?

It may not be fair on the groom to cancel, however I question the person who is still friends with such a vile person.

Does the groom know John is planning on making a scene at the wedding?

The children / drive is a red herring as he was prepared to go outside of this situation cropping up.

I’d probably reply to John and tell him he won’t get anywhere with taking legal action due to the points you listed, and a wedding of a good friend is absolutely no place to make a scene about it, so he will in no uncertain terms be discussing this situation with him.

Wisest thing is not to go.

I know, i got carried away with arseholes. But sometimes it needs saying :-)

Is dh a dentist, how did he manage to give him free dental treatment. Why is the friend being such an idiot he cannot possibly think he can bring a court case after 17 years. So many unanswered questions is this even true sounds too bizarre to be real

It was 17 years ago carried out as a supervised student. This bloke has literally not a leg to stand on. If he wants to sue anyone it would be the dental school not your DH, but to be perfectly honest if work done as an early dental student has lasted 17 years he's basically giving your DH a glowing review.

Your DH should contact his indemnity. Make them aware and take their advise. But still go to the wedding, this John is being an idiot. If John raises it say okay, if you want to sue contact the dental school.

I would say DH shouldn't go if arsehole John is going. The latter is a loose canon. Just tell the groom he cannot go because AJ is planning to make a scene and DH doesn't want their day ruined. Then if groom wants DH there he will have to uninvite AJ.

Sorry op I should have read the full thread. Anyway John is an idiot and dh should stay away from him

I think your Dh is correct to back out and the groom is naive to think John will be on his best behaviour.

John sounds like he is spoiling for a fight and a fight will be what happens, with or without your Dh being there

Groom needs to step in an put John back in his box.

He needs to tell him that if he is intent on causing trouble with the other usher at the wedding then he is not welcome.

What a total nut job this john! And why on earth would he want to confront you Dh and cause a scene at mutual friends wedding! If I was the groom I’d bin john off, clearly not interested seeing his friend get married is he! Just wants to upset you and cause friction at his friends wedding!

I would copy and paste this into a text and send it to John. I would add at the beginning ‘The wedding is not the time or the place for you to discuss this and I will not be giving you any money.If you believe you have a valid claim…’

Copy in the groom to both the original and the reply.

Dh needs to go to wedding. Support friend. Must not let friend down. But at a quiet moment tell John to fxxk off and to never mention it again.

He should just go to the wedding and deny all knowledge. Say sorry, you don't know what he is talking about. No recollection etc.Make a joke of it..along the lines of if you've got a mouth as big as Johnny's you're going to have to do some serious flossing.. Not turning up makes him look guilty.

It's important to deny all knowledge as it makes efforts to sue even more hopeless. How could they prove it was even him who did it?

If your husband can't control his anger and feels he is likely to get violent Then yes, he should back out and be honest about why.

DH goes to wedding. John collars him and mentions claim for tooth. John tells John where to go. John keeps going on about his tooth and his claim. John again tells him where to go. Later on everyone has had a few drinks and John continually bothers DH until A) DH punches John B) John assaults DH. John has shown his attitude in the emails, he is obviously not embarrassed to make this public as he has contacted you in text.

In all this groom is nowhere to be seen. He will be busy getting married. DH cannot win and is best not going unless John isnt there.

Call John's bluff. Get your solicitors to send him a cease and desist letter before the wedding, warning him that your DH will take legal action if he repeats his unfounded allegations (of professional negligence, I assume?). Also, make it clear that the subject is off-limits at the wedding for the sake of the bride and groom.

Groom should consider removing John from the wedding guest list

Dear John,

As I think it would be most unfair to N for there to be any awkwardness at the wedding, we need to resolve this before then.

I have spoken to my union/professional association/boss, and they have assured me that problems 17 years after treatment are highly unlikely to be due to any negligence, and that any attempt to sue would be futile. {Add any details.}

I am of course, very happy to refund the pint you bought me as payment for the treatment.

I would be glad to have your assurance that, should you wish to discuss this further, it will be done by letter/email, and not at N's wedding, where I think we owe it to him to act as the friends I used to think we were.

So obviously DH needs to talk to the groom about this.

It needs for the groom to email this pillock and set him straight regards the limitations of the claim and to tell him that if he mentions the dental work at the wedding or again in any context around your DH. All friendships are off forever.

I would pull out, if the groom is willing to ignore one of his guests is threatening another one not only with legal action but the possibility of making a scene, he can go and fuck himself.

If the groom really wants DH to be there, he should grow a spine and do the right thing, not expecting DH to put up with this shit to have 2 uniformed men helping in a ceremony.

I'd be thinking I don't want to go somewhere if there may be someone who is that weird and may be have a fight at a wedding. John is bonkers of course, but I'd inform the groom it's John or me.