Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

352 replies

Changeymcchangeychange · 18/05/2022 23:15

NC

Close friends for a very long time. Over the years she has asked many favours of me but its now getting too much. She knows I can't/won't say no to her. I'm a people pleaser, but don't want to be. I just don't have the balls to say no.
I can't list the favours as it's too outting. Shes pushing me to a breakdown. The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point.
I don't know how I manage this situation.

OP posts:
Ridiculousradish · 18/05/2022 23:19

You manage it by saying no. You don't have to give a reason why, just no, not possible.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 18/05/2022 23:20

Read ‘The Life Changing Magic…’ by Sarah Knight. It helped me become much more assertive!

godmum56 · 18/05/2022 23:21

the way to do it is to do it....

OgdensGoneNutFlake · 18/05/2022 23:21

There's only one choice if you want the situation to change- you have to say no. That's stark but that's all there is to it.

Wolfiefan · 18/05/2022 23:22

You say no.
If they push it you stop replying. Real friends don’t take the piss.

Merryoldgoat · 18/05/2022 23:26

You are an adult. Steel yourself and start saying no.

Plus, she’s no friend, is she?

Just tell her ‘no’ and stop being so soft.

Lindy2 · 18/05/2022 23:26

If you can't say no to her message her instead.

It doesn't have to be a long message or anything complicated. Just something along the lines of "regarding the favours you asked for earlier, sorry but I can't do it."

AnElegantChaos · 18/05/2022 23:28

Say no or walk away. Sometimes in life you just need to cut your losses and sadly this might be one of those times, for the sake of your mental health anyway.

ElenaSt · 18/05/2022 23:32

You have to accept that she is not your friend.

Would you ever want to make you cared about suffer by walking all over them with your demands?

No of course you wouldn't.

You must try and cut all ties with her.

Honeyroar · 18/05/2022 23:32

You know she’s wrong - you’re posting on here. But there’s only one person that can do anything about this - you. You know you’ve got to say no. And be proud of yourself when you do. Find something else to do that day - give yourself a reason to say no..

CoraPirbright · 18/05/2022 23:35

Lindy2 has a good suggestion - if you cannot say it in person, a typed message would be much easier. You can word it just so and not trip over yourself in the way you do when speaking in person.

Plus you should work on some excuses to have ready “no, I can’t do that - I have a doctors appointment”, “no, I can’t do that - I cannot get the time off work” etc etc. It might make it easier.

Btw, she is no friend. She is a horrid user……

ButtockUp · 18/05/2022 23:39

If a friend has walked over you and has now caused you to need to take time off work because of how she has made you feel, then she really isn't your friend, she's a user.

It's really hard to say no to someone like that but she's pushed you to your limit. It's making you feel I'll.

She is relying on your guilt .

This really needs to stop.

Big deep breath followed by "I'm sorry, but no."

Daisy38 · 18/05/2022 23:43

What’s the worst that would happen if you say no? If it’s the end of the friendship then surely it’s worth it over someone who has no consideration for you.

Dundonian · 18/05/2022 23:45

This person isn't your friend; she's using you and she clearly doesn't care what it's costing you emotionally. You have no need to feel bad about upsetting her by saying no.

Maybe you also need to end this very one-sided friendship? A real friend would not make you feel this way.

AdoraBell · 18/05/2022 23:49

Practice saying No. Every time you pass a mirror in your home, stop and say No. Get used to saying no, even in simple non confrontational things, if a colleague offers to make tea -obviously I don’t know your work place - say “no thanks” that could help you to get used to using the word.

Right now, I second the suggestion to message her. She will probably push, respond “it doesn’t work for me”

pheonixrebirth · 18/05/2022 23:54

You have got to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, no matter how awkward it feels. She clearly doesn't give a shit about how you feel or the time you give up for her.

And just a little tip here - the more uncomfortable she makes you feel is a clear indication of how little she regards your feelings.

AngelinaFangelina · 18/05/2022 23:56

If she contacts you through social media messaging set up so all her messages go to your "other" box and you won't see them. Don't answer calls. Be too busy. If she gets hold of you, keep it short and say I can't. Don't get into making up excuses. If she dumps you, so what? Seems like no big loss and like you would have a weight off your shoulders.

Pickabearanybear · 19/05/2022 00:01

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Discofish · 19/05/2022 00:07

Can't remember where I read it but "no is a complete sentence"

AngelinaFangelina · 19/05/2022 00:08

I ditched a childhood friend about 7 years ago....took me far too long to realise she was absolutely toxic and I was miserable and stressed around her. Making that break and not seeing her anymore has been honestly one of the best things I've ever done. I've never regretted it, not even for one minute. Take my advice and do what makes YOU happy. If you can't work due to the stress she causes you its time to get rid. Don't feel guilty.

Fraaahnces · 19/05/2022 00:21

Time to lose your shit at friend and tell her to sort herself out. Let her know she expects too much and you need a break.

DysmalRadius · 19/05/2022 00:27

What's the worst that will happen if you say no to her? Will she retaliate physically? Badmouth you to mutual friends? Make your life difficult in some other way? There's got to be a reason you are putting up with this when you can see how damaging it is to you?

Gettingthingsdone777 · 19/05/2022 01:03

Sounds really frustrating. Okay so I’m going to offer some similar advice to the other recommendations here, but there’s a very small subtle difference. Instead of saying a flat “no” , try saying “I’m so sorry, I can’t” as pleasantly as possible. No explanation needed just keep too “I can’t right now, unfortunately” “I’d love to help but I can’t”

Also worth trying is asking her for more favours, if she says no to them it’s the perfect opportunity to show her how to graciously accept it when people can’t help. If she can do you the favour, that’s great, it might make the friendship feel a bit more even. could it be that part of the reason you feel taken advantage of is that you don’t ask for enough advice/favours/ support in return? She might jump at the chance- it’s not that much fun feeling like the one who always needs support of some kind, might make her feel a bit more important to you.

Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 19/05/2022 01:14

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/~/media/CCI/Consumer-Modules/Assert-Yourself/Assert-Yourself---06---How-to-Say-No-Assertively.pdf

The above “How to say no” module is part of a workbook recommended in an assertiveness workshop. The Broken Record technique has done wonders for me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread