I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

[Changeymcchangeychange]

NC

Close friends for a very long time. Over the years she has asked many favours of me but its now getting too much. She knows I can't/won't say no to her. I'm a people pleaser, but don't want to be. I just don't have the balls to say no.
I can't list the favours as it's too outting. Shes pushing me to a breakdown. The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point.
I don't know how I manage this situation.

This "friend" is not a friend!!! This is a person who is abusing you and making you feel terrible. Your life will be better without this person calling the shots and causing tension.
Text her back that you are not available to receive her delivery and go out as planned.

OP, it’s 10am. Lots of places are serving breakfast or brunch. Go out and try one of them. Once you’re done, go for a long walk or a wander around the shops. Take your time, don’t hurry back. There’s also the cinema, gym or swimming pool. There’s so much you could and should be doing today. Go and do it! Also, if it’s a physical diary you have with her diary in it, throw it in the first bin you see. If it’s not, then delete it. She really is no friend and not someone you’ll miss.

Block her number and move on. No comment just block.

OP, it’s 10am. Lots of places are serving breakfast or brunch. Go out and try one of them. Once you’re done, go for a long walk or a wander around the shops. Take your time, don’t hurry back. There’s also the cinema, gym or swimming pool. There’s so much you could and should be doing today. Go and do it!

This OP. Take a big breath and just do it.

Ok, you've hit rock bottom. Now it's time to work out a solution to this. It's going to make you feel horribly anxious and dreadful but I promise you, the relief when you're free of this will be priceless.

The first time of you saying no to her will be the hardest but it will get easier.
She is messaging you so like OP said just message her back saying sorry i will not be in. Either block her so you do not see her messages or reply with sorry i cant manage that or do not reply.
The more you do the more she will ask of you.
you say you are at breaking point ask yourself is she really worth it?
You can do this!!!!
You have a fiancee who will have your back and support you.
if you really can not do this would your fiancee be willing to speak with her or message her for you?
I know it is hard but something needs to change as it is affecting you deeply.
Good luck

You need to completely block her. She is no friend.

She is not your friend plus you are putting this entitled, aggressive person ABOVE your fiancé. The person you love. You are prioritising this pushy chancer (who doesn’t give a shit about you and doesn’t see you as a friend at all, more a lackey) over your partner.

you have to accept the friendship is a toxic situation you have to free yourself of, and start saying no every time.

Make a game of it. Expect her twists and turns but keep saying no. See how she continues ti try to manipulate you. Watch with detachment. Set up some self soothing things to do when you do tackle it so you can support yourself.

Rid yourself of her and you will be able to make new friends on your own terms.

It will be normal for you to feel emotional. You probably realise that this is the end of the 'friendship' and need to grieve. But it's actually a positive thing. Unfortunately, this could never be the friendship you wanted so it's time to move on. There'll be space in your life for more positive friendships now.

You need to learn that it's okay to be uncomfortable!

The hardest thing is to say "no, I can't/won't" with no excuse as to why you can't to back you up. However, it's a great life skill. Try it with just the smallest request that's asked of you.

You should also let go of the "people pleaser" description.

First of all get rid of her diary, that's a start.

Message her and say you're 'in and out' today so won't be able to take her delivery. Don't elaborate on that ,in and out is sufficient.

Start with that, she'll either back off or get huffy as you're not doing what she wants. Either way you'll be able to decide if you want her as a friend still and definitely widen your circle of friends withe the people you mentioned.

OP if you do happen to be in the house when the delivery arrives, could you just ignore the door? It’s not right that someone rides roughshod over your time like this but your reaction does seem a bit extreme.

I urge you to seek help with managing this as it sounds like you are at a very low ebb. If your fiancé is cross about the situation maybe he could step in and respond to communications from her as a way of helping you get some distance from the situation?

Can you text her and say "Actually, I can't do X now. You'll have to find someone else to do it"?

What has she been asking of you?

Please put the work down, it's your day off. Go sit in the garden and chill with a good book or music or have a nap.
You are not her slave or personal assistant. What's the worse that will happen if you miss/refuse the parcel? You'll get rid of a CF. You can just block her.

Look at it from this angle - she's slowly but surely trained you to be her slave. It's almost like a form of grooming. It will have been so subtle that it's only now that you're starting to question why you're doing all of this for her.

It's not you, lovely, it's all on her. She's a horror, not a friend.

But only you can say No to her.

If she refuses to take no for an answer then I would simply message “no” to the next ask, without explanation, and then I would block and ghost her.

As a rule I’m not in favour of ghosting but sometimes needs must.

Oh, and refuse to take in any deliveries for her.

We only stay in relationships when we get something from them.

I'm a recovering people pleaser.

The problem is that those of us who are like this usually worked out very early in life that it was what we needed to do to stay safe, and have our own needs met. It was usually a decision we made so early that we have no conscious memory of it - that's the point, it's totally unconscious at that stage, and becomes a primary 'driver' in life. It feels like we need to please people in order to stay alive.

You have to start facing the fear and realise that whatever worked for you when you were tiny and saw the world as you did then is no longer appropriate for a grown adult with agency.

Only you can make the change, but it is totally possible. You may never find it easy to risk upsetting someone, it may well always linger but I promise you once you start (and realise you didn't actually die as a result) it gets better and better.

You will be liberated. But you have to start.

Take a deep breath, remember all the wise words on this thread and the people who are willing you on, think of your partner, and most of all value yourself enough to learn a new way of operating in the world.

You may feel uncomfortable but you will not die. I promise! There's life on the other side of this and it's so much better, come and join us.

She isn’t pushing you to a breakdown. Your inability to say no is what’s doing that. I appreciate it’s really hard to change the pattern and this probably isn’t the advice you want, but the only way to fix this situation doesn’t lie with her - it lies with you. If she doesn’t know the constant requests are putting you under this much pressure and making you unhappy, then she can’t be blamed for the continued asking when she’s got what she wants so far. It takes two people with poor boundaries to make this type of toxic relationship, and it sounds like you both have a poor sense of others’ boundaries (her) and own boundaries (you).

This may come across as harsh, but I do know what it’s like to be stuck in a similar friendship (in my case it was endless requests for emotional support rather than practical things, as I used to have compulsive caregiving issues) and I know the only way is to take the bull by the horns - say no, block if the response is nasty, and get support and help so that you don’t carry the pattern into future friendships. It’s a vulnerability I still have, but I can spot the pattern better now and when I see it, I am much better at saying no at an earlier stage and deciding where to draw my lines and stick with them. I have noticed that such people tend to not stick around long or withdraw when they see you are able to draw lines that you won’t allow them to cross.

Pay attention to how you deal with others setting boundaries with you too. This was something difficult I had to look at in myself, that I also found others saying no to me upsetting (yay, ADHD and rejection sensitivity) so I didn’t ask for things I needed. My relationships now are much more based around being able to BOTH say and hear no and respect both.

I echo some PP. What's the worst that can happen? You lose this 'friend'. But that's probably also the best thing that can happen, for the sake of your mental health. So actually, it's win-win! Take the plunge OP. Learning to be assertive will enhance your life no end.

@Utilityroomenvy I'm interested to know why my reaction seems extreme and what part of my reaction is extreme ? (the not wanting to do it or the feelings of anger & frustration or both). There have been SO many different types of favours over the years. I counted 25 different types, which she has asked me to do numerous times for each one. These have all impacted my time (I work FT, run a house, have DC, my own hobbies and need to fit in seeing elderly parents) or my convenience. I'm happy to help a friend out, no problem. But not a friend who keeps asking and asking and who takes and takes. She has asked way too many times now and to be quite frank I no longer want to do anything for her, even if she popped over asking for a thimble of milk I would get peed as it's just yet another thing to add to the already very long list. But @Utilityroomenvy if you wanted a thimble of milk then I would give you the whole carton, as you haven't taken from me so much and you haven't taken the piss and you haven't just come to continuously rely on me for anything and everything.

Her diary?
FGS, delete it now.

Reach out to other people who could become good friends and don´t take the piss.

If you´re not very good at confrontation, just block her.
Otherwise, just ignore her requests. Change the subject. Don´t reply.
Another possibility is to ask her to do things for you. When she asks you for something, ask her back (it can be help with a deep clean, or gardening). Don´t say yes, until she said yes to your thing. Your think needs to be before hers.

If the latest asks are for next week, make her go and help you this weekend. Ask her now to feed the cat because you´ll be out this weekend. Just one text.
Her reply should dictate what you do next week and regarding any future requests.

I'm sorry, Op. I think so many of us have been shocked by this that our replies have been quite strong and what we've forgotten is the start of your post, where you say how much you're struggling with this at the moment.

Please try and make yourself some space to breathe. Your DP sounds like he's loyal and has your back in this so spending time with him sounds perfect.

Being treated horribly by a friend isn't nice so you're bound to be upset. Don't feel silly for it.

So much great advice here. Isn't it funny how strangers are outraged at you being treated this way and it's someone who would claim to be your best friend is the one doing it!

OP don’t figure out how to manage her requests. Break off the friendship. She is toxic and is a negative force in your life. Write her a text explaining why, it will feel good to get it out, then block her so you don’t have to engage in a back and forth justifying your position.

You owe her nothing. Get rid of her ASAP and then focus on building up healthier relationships - most people are not like this. Please get rid of this CF from your life, good luck.

Changey - your intelligence & self-awareness is pouring out of this update post.
Why waste all that on this CF?!

The diary thing is ... well it would be laughable if it was not so sinister & sad. It's the kind of pre-planning & self-preservation people undertake when they have a really toxic boss. And as you rightly observe - you feel like her PA.

PP have given you some great advice & resources.
when you are ready, you will deploy these, & your problem will go away. Because you know, & we know, that CF will not remain friends with you when she can no longer exploit you. So that's the short-term solution.
However ... it's not really about this 'friend', is it? It's about you, & whatever went on in your background to allow you to finally end up in such a pickle that this bloody woman is pushing you to a breakdown. May I gently suggest that, if you invested HALF the energy & time you currently put into 'managing' your relationship with your CF into therapy, within a year or so you will be so far from the broken woman posting here that you will barely recognise yourself?

PP was right in describing your 'friendship' as an abusive relationship.
Look at in in those terms. If CF were a man, & your romantic partner, we would all be screaming "run for the hills!" because she is a coercive controller.
Please - please, spend a bit of time thinking about this. Because that is a FACT.
Do you know what is not a fact? "I know I am weak". Reading that made me tear up for you. You are not weak. People who endure & survive abusive relationships ARE NOT WEAK. They are stonkingly strong. They are managing appalling, secret & hidden maelstroms of emotion, dealing with the mindfuckery of coercive control, DARVO, managing, facilitating, appeasing & pacifying their abuser, keeping the lights on & the show on the road in thir own work & personal lives, & presenting a 'all is well' facade to the world. That takes huge reserves of resilience, courage, & determination.
The thing is - all that energy & sheer willpower & creative ways of surviving - is being WASTED as it is all focused on the abuser.
What would happen if you removed the focus from your abuser, & gave all that to yourself instead? How much energy, willpower, creativity, & just general fin & happiness would that release for you?

Seek out a therapist who is experienced in helping survivors of coercive control &/or victoms of e.g. narcissistic abuse. I'm not 'diagnosing' your CF as a narcissist btw, & frankly I don't give a shit what her problem is - but you need a framework from where you can begin to understand that your CF does not function like reasonable people do - she is wired differently - so responding to her or trying to deal with her from the perspective of a reasonable person will never work.
www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/surviving-the-narcissist

How you choose to deal with this, & the timeframe you give yourself to do so it entirely up to you.
You posted on AIBU so will be getting some robust responses - but ignore anyone scolding you for your predicament, or affecting disbelief that you have been unable to "just say no" - any PP beating you up with that is confusing "simple" with "easy".
Of course it is simple! I'd love to ring your CF up & tell her to fuck off & leave you alone forever. But that's not the solution. The solution is that - when you are ready - YOU will do that. You won't do it in the way I might, because you are you (& I probably have at least 2 or 3 decades experience & practice which you are yet to have ...) & you need to take on board the advice PP have given you, read some of the resources linked here, let it settle, & come to the way of dealing with your CF that feels right to YOU.

So I'm not going to tell you what to do right now.
You have had enough of that from the CF.
The most important thing btw isn;t getting her fucked off to the far side of fuck. It's getting YOU to a place where you are aboe to tell her to fuck off (however politely you might phrase it) AND FEEL GREAT ABOUT DOING SO.

That's gonna take a little work, but it's a no-brainer innit.
Hmmmm ... what will I choose ... a nervous breakdown while remianing under the yoke of my tyrant ... or a newly confident me, who has worked on whatever trauma or issues caused me to fall under my CF's spell, & who can now confidently navigate my life without falling victim again?