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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

352 replies

Changeymcchangeychange · 18/05/2022 23:15

NC

Close friends for a very long time. Over the years she has asked many favours of me but its now getting too much. She knows I can't/won't say no to her. I'm a people pleaser, but don't want to be. I just don't have the balls to say no.
I can't list the favours as it's too outting. Shes pushing me to a breakdown. The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point.
I don't know how I manage this situation.

OP posts:
Kate0902900908 · 19/05/2022 01:47

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Start saying no.

onlythreenow · 19/05/2022 02:01

I'm sorry OP, but this person is not your friend. No friend would treat you like that and push you to the edge. You need to find the courage to say NO, firmly, and step away from the friendship if she doesn't accept your decision.

allthegoddamntime · 19/05/2022 02:11

If you struggle with saying no, could it be something deeper than people pleasing? I struggle with this too and it was only when I discovered I had ME that I realised it was because I don't physically have the energy to cope with the fallout where there is one. I can't muster it from anywhere - it's just not there to begin with. I also know people with ADHD and other types of neurodiversity that just find the stress that comes with being put in that situation too much to cope with. The only answer I found was to cut people like that out of my life. I've had to ghost them because I don't have the energy to do it any other way.

ventreàterre · 19/05/2022 02:18

If you honestly cannot say "no", you might have to cut all ties with this person, at least until you can find whatever therapy or treatment you need. Don't go through life feeling that you can't put yourself first. You deserve better from yourself.

Coka · 19/05/2022 02:37

I saw great advice on here saying have a day a week where you don't commit to anything. Start doing that and tell her that. Say your day off is your day that you are not making any plans or committing to do anything or help with anything. You can tell her you are doing this to manage your mental health if you feel the need to.

HoppingPavlova · 19/05/2022 02:41

Manage it by saying No.

Optimist1 · 19/05/2022 03:00

CoraPirbright · 18/05/2022 23:35

Lindy2 has a good suggestion - if you cannot say it in person, a typed message would be much easier. You can word it just so and not trip over yourself in the way you do when speaking in person.

Plus you should work on some excuses to have ready “no, I can’t do that - I have a doctors appointment”, “no, I can’t do that - I cannot get the time off work” etc etc. It might make it easier.

Btw, she is no friend. She is a horrid user……

Sorry, I disagree with giving excuses. A normal friend would accept them, but a CF like OP's friend will counter with ways you could change your appointment/throw a sickie etc!

tcjotm · 19/05/2022 03:20

Look up “never complain, never explain”. In your case the second part applies.

she she asks you to do something you say something along the lines “sorry, I can’t do that”

when she asks why “because I said I can’t”

rinse and repeat.

if she pushes (by which stage she’s being an arsehole because you don’t need to explain yourself you can go to “because I don’t want to!”

If she then has a total rumpelstilskin type breakdown you can walk away.

She’s not your friend. A friend wouldn’t do this
what’s the worse she can do? If the answer is physical violence then call the police. But it’s not going to get that far, she’s just a bully who is used to you caving and doing what she wants. If you don’t, what can she do?

Imagine someone saying “I asked my friend changeymchange to scrub my bathroom and then prepare a 5 course meal for my husband and I and she refused, can you believe it? anyone she says that to (insert what she actually asked) is going to side with you, not her!

ChampagneLassie · 19/05/2022 03:24

You seem to realise this person is no real friend and you'd be better off with them out of your life. Wrote a note / letter WhatsApp telling them that bluntly and then block them. Anything less than this and you're going to keep dealing with it. Think of it as a breakup getting rid of toxic person. You wouldn't keep seeing a BF like this.

KarenLovesRosario · 19/05/2022 03:41

She's not a friend though, she's been training you for a long time to know that "No" isn't an option and you need to go no contact.
She's not going to be happy, you've been her supply for a long time I doubt she'll go quietly but she's making you ill.
Friends don't do that.
Just text her that you can no longer do the favour for her, keep it short, if you really want to say you are unwell (true) and that you need to look after yourself for a change.
Ignore her calls and texts.
If she threatens to come round a very simple "Please don't I need you to leave me alone now" text, don't get into any discussion at all, then block her.
She will eventually go away and if she doesn't a very calm mention of the police will probably snap her out of it.
Cut the cord

insomnia101 · 19/05/2022 03:46

I'd read some books, listen to podcasts etc about boundaries. They can feel really difficult to implement at first but it's absolutely necessary. She probably won't like it because it won't benefit her. But you need to do it for your own mental health and well-being.

KarenLovesRosario · 19/05/2022 04:19
Good luck x
catwomando · 19/05/2022 04:27

I suspect that there's an issue here with your self esteem that's making you put her before your own needs. Women and girls are 'trained' from very young g to,be compliant and to people please and it's a hard habit to break. That isn't simple to fix and won't happen overnight, but you can make a start.

Firstly by listening to all the previous posters who have validated that it's OK for you to feel used and frustrated, and that it's fine (and normal) to put yourself and your needs first- ahead of what your friend is asking. You need to start really believing this.

Secondly, start to schedule in, and (re) discover things, that make you happy. This will reinforce the feeling that your life has purpose and that you can be happy. And that your time is valuable -to you.

Thirdly, practice and read about assertiveness, it really is life changing. If you can, role play a situation that you currently find difficult, like a request from your friend, or someone else. The rule is this (and it's so hard at first!) the ONLY word you are allowed to say in your initial response is 'NO'. Nothing else, no justification, no explanation. (it's cringingly difficult to do,at first!). For example
Can you feed my cat whilst I'm on holiday?'
NO
Oh, but I need you to, you're the only one I trust
NO, I still can't do it
But who else can I ask? You always do it
Well, you'll have to find someone else as I can't do it.
But why can't you?
Dear friend , I know you are used to me saying yes to all the many favours you ask of,me, but this time its a firm no.
But why?
I really don't need to go into all the ins and outs, please find someone else to,ask as I won't be doing it.

And so on. Never explain. Never justify stay calm, breathe through it . Don't offer solutions to her predicament either as she will reject them and out you back in the hot seat.

If she carries on pestering, change the subject 'so how's work going at the moment?' Or something innocuous. And focus on that new line of conversation.

If she still keeps on, end the conversation completely. 'Well, is that the time? I really must be off, nice chatting to you, cheerio' and leave or hang up.

If you really want to you could add on.
'Dear friend, I need to be straight with you. I've been feeling totally overwhelmed recently, and you've been asking a lot of me on top of what I have in my own plate. I just can't keep saying yes to you. It's killing me. I'm going to start saying no to many of the things you ask of me. I don't think any less of you. I need to put my needs first. I know that you'll understand and will stop asking me so often; even the little things add up and I can't agree to do them. I really appreciate your support.

Dot t say: maybe, or I'll think about it, or I'll check my diary, or sorry, or maybe next time.

But as I suggested at the start, working on your self esteem will really help,in this and many other areas of your life. You are worth it, you really are. You deserve a life of happiness and doing things that bring you joy and satisfaction. You weren't put on this planet as a servant of others. Your time is precious, spend it wisely.

And the really magical thing about boosting your self esteem is that the more you like and love yourself, the more,other people around you do too. It's hard to,get there and takes work to maintain, but it's the single thing you can do for,yourself,that's truly life changing. Go for it!

gcooks7496 · 19/05/2022 04:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ClaryFairchild · 19/05/2022 04:30

If you genuinely find it impossible to say no you need to get yourself into therapy asap, and learn some techniques for standing up for yourself.

Meanwhile, dodge your friend. Avoid phone calls, put her txts and emails on mute so that you don't see them come in. Avoid answering calls that come from a private number for awhile to as well in case she tries to bypass that.

Find something that you can be "busy" with, whether you're actually just with it or not. Put on your social media, "just needing to step back from things for a bit as I deal with a few things". And then get OFF social media so you don't see the responses for a while.

If she's likely to come to your door ask your family to run interference and not let her in. If you live on your own close the curtains and get a ring door bell so you can vet callers.

catwomando · 19/05/2022 04:31

@gcooks7496 this is a spam post and I've reported.

@mnnightwatch @mnhq

Vikinga · 19/05/2022 04:36

I'm a huge people pleaser but in recent years I have stopped going out of my way with people who take advantage or who won't reciprocate.

So I will still do them favours as long as it doesn't put me out at all or much.

I do give excuses though. Make up something about work or kids or appointment. I've also distanced myself from some people. It feels great to have a smaller but nicer circle of friends.

tcjotm · 19/05/2022 04:49

Also don’t feel bad about being assertive. I’m an assertive person, I’m also still a nice, kind and helpful person. They aren’t mutually exclusive. If you promise things that you can’t deliver, you upset people far more than with saying “sorry, I appreciate you’re stuck but I can’t help you”. At least they can then move on. Obviously this applies more to nice people asking favours than CFs, but saying no is always fine.

KarenLovesRosario · 19/05/2022 04:50

@gcooks7496
Reported your spam but you did make me laugh..
Who the feck asks for a picture of your medicine ?

HairyBum · 19/05/2022 05:29

get Yourself some counselling. This is a problem of your own making, fully your responsibility and you can choose to resolve it or let it repeatedly mess up your life. You need to understand why you’re a people pleaser and work out simple strategies not to be a people pleaser. I use the strategy of never saying yes on the spot. Instead I will always say ‘I’ll need to let you know later’ and then later send a text which lacks an explanation but clearly says no … ‘sadly can’t on Thursday’ … ‘or … ‘Wednesday isn’t good for me’

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 19/05/2022 05:52

I would write no that doesnt work for me.

Do not JADE justify apologise defend explain as others have suggested. It just invites discussion.

AgentJohnson · 19/05/2022 06:51

You need to accept that your refusal to say no to her, is the power you’ve given her not the power she has taken from you.

MichelleScarn · 19/05/2022 06:55

The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point. So you now need to go into work on day off for this 'favour' is she a work colleague? Is she really a friend or just someone who uses you at work?

CambsAlways · 19/05/2022 06:59

How did it ever get to this point! She’s got you now to breaking point, this is not how a friend treats another friend! Sadly though because you have allowed it she’s going to keep pushing limits she sounds unhinged! I’d be breaking all ties with this one , please put yourself first and get rid, good luck

StrangeCondition · 19/05/2022 07:30

I know you don't want to out yourself by saying what she's asking for but is it monetary favours?

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