I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

[Changeymcchangeychange]

NC

Close friends for a very long time. Over the years she has asked many favours of me but its now getting too much. She knows I can't/won't say no to her. I'm a people pleaser, but don't want to be. I just don't have the balls to say no.
I can't list the favours as it's too outting. Shes pushing me to a breakdown. The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point.
I don't know how I manage this situation.

I used to be a people pleaser. I was a single parent on temporary teaching contracts that I needed to continue doing. I got into the habit of people pleasing in order to work When I retired I joined various groups and the people pleasing traits seeped in. I started to look into the psychology of it and to realise that it didn't matter to me ,at all, whether these people liked me or not so why on earth did I feel I needed to say yes to their feckin requests. I googled 'ways to say no' and started using them. Google it Op. You have to use the phrases politely because that is part of the shutting down of the requests. It leaves the requester nowhere to go with manipulation etc. They can't be offended because you have been perfectly polite. BUT YOU HAVE STILL SAID NOOOOOOOO. "Thank you for thinking of me but I'm afraid I can't do that just now".
"I'm so sorry but I don't have time to do that . Please feel free to ask me another time ( when I will also say no ,of course)". "I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me". The first time I said it to a very posh lady from my village her face was an absolute picture. She literally couldn't believe that I had said no to an opportunity to move in her exhaulted circle ( she would have schmoozed me until the job was finished and would then have totally blanked me ). It was absolutely brilliant. She just stood there with her mouth open saying "Oh.....okay.....oh". Just try it Op. She isn't your friend. She is an advantage taking cunt.

Please don't wait in. In fact, please deliberately go out.

I'm on a rare day off today with no one home - I'm having a slow start, then going for a stroll and lunch in a nice cafe, and then picking up a few bits I need in town.

Doesn't that sound nice?

You can do it!

I've always been a people pleaser, but a few years ago it all came to a head for my personal mental health and I found the strength to start saying no. And you know what? It felt great , but also you quickly discover what you mean to them. I'm no longer in touch apart from the odd Facebook 'like' with the person I was turning myself inside out for . She used to do what you describe - give me loads of reasons to make it difficult to say no . It's cheeky fuckery at its finest. Friends don't treat each other like this and while you are still enabling her , she will continue to completely take the piss. Text this morning, tell her your going out, and then ignore the fall out . She will have texts on her phone making it possible to track and redirect the delivery . Do it !

Firstly- she’s no friend. Friends don’t abuse your kindness and suck away the pleasure of being with them. She’s 100% using you.
Secondly - she’s a leach, treating you as a servant to come running every time she snaps her fingers.
Thirdly- just what do you get out of this friendship? Sweet FA I suspect.
Fourthly - say ‘No’. If she tries bullying you into doing whatever she says then keep saying ‘no, I will not’, block her and ignore her. The end of the world won’t happen and she’ll find a sucker to drain.

The few occasions I have come across CF's and have said No, I simply didn't engage further with the conversation.

I didn't reply to any further texts.

But people like this women target people with poor boundaries.

Why do you think this is what friendship looks like?

This is not friendship.

You take orders from a bully, thats all.

It certainly isn't a friendship.

That you would allow her to mess with your MH is such a red flag for your fiance.

I really hope that he sees that and protects himself from the future stress of this.

It would be very sensible of you to look into counselling to help you.

You are in huge danger of messing up your life because of the power this bully has over you.

If she goes by her own motto then she owes you lots of favours.

OP she is not your friend, she is using you and you are allowing her to. It is only going to cause bigger problems which is does sound like it's starting to do with your fiance. Your fiance is quite right to be annoyed by this, he can see she's using you.

You have to say no, maybe start by going out and missing the delivery.

Do you think she cares she's causing you this much stress? I don't. She's not a friend, start saying no and be out for that delivery.

You are so concerned about what this bully thinks of you when you really should be giving some thought to what your fiance is thinking today.

Seeing you so upset over this awful woman?

What must HE be thinking of all this drama.

Just go out today@Changeymcchangeychange , you gave her your answer, which was that you didn't know what you were doing. If she has not taken that in board and made other arrangements that is down to her.

It will only change when she has to deal with the consequences. You have nothing to feel guilty about by going out today.

I’ve been there too OP but believe me your life will be so much better without her in it. You will feel so much lighter once you are free from her demands. I don’t think you need to have a big confrontation if that feels too difficult - just have a string of excuses and start pulling back and ignoring her. Hopefully she will get the message soon enough. Maybe a medical emergency came up so you weren’t in for the delivery?

You need to say no. Don’t give an excuse because she’ll find a work around for it.

CFs continue being CFs because it works, stop enabling her!

As others have said, she´s no friend. She´s a user. And abuser.

Learn from her and ignore her requests. If she texts you, just ignore it.
If she calls you, change the subject.

It´s your day off. So, use it. Go shopping, go for a walk, whatever. If you´re not in when the delivery arrives, IT´S ENTIRELY HER PROBLEM! You told her it was your day off.

What do you get from this friendship, anyway?

I voted that YANBU because I think you're right to be asking for advice and support. I'm a people pleaser who detests even a hint of conflict . Unfortunately I am now living with the consequences of trying to please everyone. It just can't be done so you might as well please yourself or at least be reasonable about it.
You do sound as if this "friend" is massively taking advantage and applying unbearable pressure on you. It is , I promise you , possible to say no without the world turning upside down but I think you may need help from your GP or a counsellor in order to be able to learn how to be more assertive.
Do you think you could cope with ignoring some of his/her phone calls? Could you start communicating more by text ? I found that useful as I learned to take time to more carefully consider my replies and it also helped me to learn to say "no" without feeling I had to make excuses. It won't be easy and they may react badly the first few times you do it but stand your ground until they learn you're not their unpaid PA. If they can't accept the new you then just let them go. That's not being selfish , it will be an act of self preservation for you. Best of luck, 🫂

There's your mistake.

Never give reasons or excuses then there's nothing to argue with

Right. Spend your morning off writing her a text.

You can no longer do her bidding. This 'friendship' is no longer working and it's time to call it a day. Then block everywhere.

I know she is a total CF and piss taker. I know I am weak, I know I need to stand up her, I know I need to say no. I cried reading some of the replies on here. When I read the latest ask from her I wanted to throw the phone across the room.
The delivery is just one of the asks, there is another ask for the same week (the delivery is not today) but I can’t reveal this as it’s too outing.

I feel like her PA. I have her diary in my diary, so I can pre-empt any potential asks from her and try to have plans during these times, I spend my life pre-empting possible times/occasions she could ask me to do something and filling my diary & time with other things. I could have other friends, there are people I know in a much much wider circle that I could possibly be pushing at an open door with in terms of forming/developing a friendship with. We have certainly talked about going out in the past and our partners know each other. I’m going to try to arrange going out as a 4some as a starting point.

I know the only person who can change this is me. I just need to find a large pair of balls. But it’s so hard. So very hard. She sees me as a walk over.

The fact that you're posting about this and the username you've chosen, shows you know what you want to do. You're ready for this. Take a deep breath and go and make that change.

One of the favours she has asked me to be in for a delivery she's scheduled to mine. I told her it was my day off and I didn't know what I was doing. She has ignored that. I now have to wait in
This is where you are going wrong OP.
You DO NOT have to wait in.
Take a deep breath & think this through: you TOLD her you did not know what you were doing. A reasonable person would have heard that as a "no". Your friend is an unreasonable selfish madam, so she ignored what YOU want ... & brazenly expects you to sacrifice your day off.

How about you break the habit of - years? - & DO NOT WAIT IN? Just go out. Do something just for yourself. Let her parcel be undelivered. When she bitches at you about it - just say "but I told you I didn't know what I was doing, so you shouldn't have assumed you could use my address."

How would that feel?

Let me guess - you are so ground down by this awful woman that the thought of saying no to her - let alone giving her serious pushback - fills you with dread ..?
Then you are going to have to find your courage, & realise that a few moments of dread & discomfort is MUCH easier for you than living your whole life in fear of displeasing this woman. Certainly much better than the nervous breakdown you are heading for if you keep kowtowing to her.

She is my only friend
Hardly surprising - it sounds like she doesn't leave you enough time or space to make others!
Although it's not completely true ... surely your fiance is your friend?

Finally - SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
She's your slaveowner. Find your anger OP. How DARE she treat you like this?
What would it feel like to bellow at her "will you ever fuck off with your demands you selfish user?"
Would you finally feel free?

Because I don't think there's much point resetting expectations with this woman. I think your fiance is right - she is poison to you, & you would be so much happier if you ditched her. It would free you up to explore new friendships, & your confidence will soar when you are no longer living in fear of what her next orders are going to be.

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

I'm sorry OP but at this point you're not her friend, you're her doormat!

Your DP is RIGHT to not like her. She is treating you like crap and you are putting up with it. It's frankly outrageous and your excuse for putting up with it, that you 'can't say no' etc is just so victim mentality.

If my DP acted like you are I'd find it really off-putting.

She's not family, you owe her nothing but she's already taken so much rope that now she just arranges deliveries and expects you to stay in??!!

WAKE. UP. OP!!!!

Just tell her you won't be available for deliveries and other favours any more as it is causing problems in your relationship and you feel like she's taking the piss. If she has a paddy and flounces off then she's just proving you right - she's a CF!!!

I now have to wait in and as I WFH I might as well work until the delivery arrives.

I think I have spotted the misapprehension you are labouring under

You really don't have to stay in for the delivery.

Just go out, let it fail.

If you are not comfortable with that, you could just tell your "friend" that you are sorry, it won't work for you to accept this delivery.

And in future, avoid her , if she hasn't heard back from you that you will do things, you can not do them with a clear conscience.

Every time I give an excuse for saying no, she then comes up with a million ways to make it work so I can do the favour.

So don't give an excuse. Smile, say sorry and say nothing else

Please consider the possibility that your finance is frustrated by your inability to prioritise yourself over some random p**s taker. I would struggle with that in a friend, never mind in a fiancé.

Why on earth have you decided that you have to wait in for her convenience when she knows that it is not convenient for you

I repeat my advice to not accept the delivery. You see when you ask her for a favour she just ignores the request and doesn't do it. Be like that with her. Please

Overall, though, follow the excellent advice above re building your own self esteem @catwomando

For starters massive squishes I have been in your situation and it’s not a pleasant thing to face. I do hope you understand that this is not a friendship nor is it something that will magically become one when you learn to stand your ground this woman is using you and she knows full well what she’s doing.

This is not something I normally advise but I would ghost her.

Don’t be in for the delivery.

don’t respond to her messages.

Just start ignoring her commands/requests like she did to the one time you asked her favour from her about feeding your cat.

“what’s the worst that can happen” - that’s what my therapist said to me about this situation. And honestly what is the worst that can happen? She won’t be your friend anymore - are her actions really those of a friend? She won’t be in your life anymore? I dont see the downside of that…

you need to accept that you need this woman out of your life. She’s going to cause more issues in your relationship as well as your fiancé is the one having to hold you together whilst she destroys you. And that is something he will come to further resent.

you do accept she is not a friend don’t you? She’s just a Cheeky Fucker.

be done with her. Think of how liberating not having her in your life will be. Think of how much stress will go as soon as she’s out of your life.

Saying no is hard, it really is.... But it gets easier the more you do it, and your self respect will grow each time you set a boundary and stick to it. If you had plans to take some time to yourself, then you are not free to help her out. It doesn't matter if you're off work or not- you are not available. What I find helps me, is asking myself what can I offer which works for me. E.g I'm sorry I'm not free tomorrow. However, I have an hour next Thursday evening and am happy to help then.
Also try "I've been struggling a bit recently and I need to take some time to focus on self care, so my free time is ear marked just for me right now"

It's liberating and it's ok to say no!

All the best to you

No one is shaming her, the op is being offered a lot of good advise. It is down to her to do something about the situation.

Is there a way you could get out and meet some more people? What do you enjoy doing- is there a class you could take or a group you could join to make some more connections? You need friendships where the other isn't out for what they can get from you. From now on, only accept requests to hang out and spend time together. "Sorry, I can't help with that, but I'm free to have a drink on Friday if you want to?" You'll soon learn whether they want to spend time with you because they like you or if they are just using you for their own gains..xx

I had a friend like this - as many other posters seem to, as well. Reading threads like this helped me see that my friend was being totally unreasonable and sucking all the joy and energy from my life. She would love bomb me to do favours for her ("You're the only person I can trust to babysit etc etc") but curiously the only favours she did for me were of her devising, and usually for her benefit.

I stopped being her friend. It has improved my life enormously. She was angry and aggressive towards me, bit because I was able to anticipate this as textbook manipulation and narcissistic responses, I could choose to ignore it.

Wishing you strength and solidarity to do what needs to be done. We are all here to support you

Thank you for the continued replies. I am sat at my desk in tears, knowing that you are all right and that I am her slave/doormat/PA. The last asks from her have totally mentally drained me in terms of anger, total frustration and a feeling of trapped in this circle of favour asking. I'm struggling to work today.

You have had tons of advice on here OP. and loads of it good.

You can do this.

Sending you courage and confidence.

She is not your friend. You will find more.

'If someone shows you who they are , believe them'.