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Original poster

I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

352 replies

Changeymcchangeychange · 18/05/2022 23:15

NC

Close friends for a very long time. Over the years she has asked many favours of me but its now getting too much. She knows I can't/won't say no to her. I'm a people pleaser, but don't want to be. I just don't have the balls to say no.
I can't list the favours as it's too outting. Shes pushing me to a breakdown. The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point.
I don't know how I manage this situation.

OP posts:
Beelezebub · 20/05/2022 21:53

Dear god, she is NOT your friend. She’s a piss-taking weasel.

The only thing you need to do is tell her to never contact you, and then block her on everything and never speak to her or have anything to do with her again!

LondonMrsA · 20/05/2022 21:53

None of us could possibly work out who you are if you share more details.

Isaidnomorecrisps · 20/05/2022 22:14

Haven’t read all posts, but “ahh that doesn’t work for me” is always good

CanuckBC · 20/05/2022 22:20

Friends are supposed to bring more happier as into your life, not more stress.

Delete all relevant info relating to her from your diary. You are not her spouse/pa/keeper. Delete it all. Be from from it.

For the next month say no to all requests from her. Do a countdown on your calendar. Either a paper one in your house so your SO can help you or electronic shared with your SO so they can support you. Have a reward set up on the end so you have positive reinforcement. A weekend away, something you have really been wanting but haven’t gotten yourself. Anything that is a reward for yourself. A fun filled date night.

You can do this! Be strong. Only plan stuff for yourself that you want to. No more filling time to avoid her or to fill time spots up to have to say no. No more working to be at her beck and call. Make new better less “users” of friends. Couple friends are the best.

Good luck. Practice with your SO. All sorts of scenarios with him being her and coming up with some good comebacks. It truly helps.

Filter2sugars · 20/05/2022 22:30

If you carry on like this you will probably, if not already, feel resentful and upset, you may have to accept your being used and it's all one way, it can't go on. I stopped giving someone lifts home from work as I was heading off in the opposite direction to my home and adding half an hour onto my commute. You'll find out if she's a real friend if she accepts you without the favours.

shewhomustbeEbayed · 20/05/2022 22:40

I’m sure others have made you aware of the legal implications of her having her stuff delivered to your address, making you liable.
I witnessed the major problems caused when this happened between two people I knew.
She isn’t a friend, stand up to her or you will lose your fiance too.

gamerchick · 20/05/2022 22:45

Give your phone to your bloke.
Tell him to type fuck off and leave me alone and send it.

Then block her.

RampantIvy · 20/05/2022 22:48

She is not your friend, she is a user. She uses you because you allow her to.

Mute her and ignore her messages.

Maurepas · 20/05/2022 22:59

This ''friend'' and her expectations of you are not really very bad problems. There are much worse thing that can happen to you! Realise that and nip this relationship in the bud. Cut all contact and communication with this woman. Why do you need to know her? How would you cope with a genuinely bad situation if you cannot even say ''no'' to this person?

yesthatisdrizzle · 20/05/2022 23:01

If all else fails, say this:

"What did your last servant die of?"

chaosmaker · 20/05/2022 23:02

The best answer, if you don't just want to ditch her forever, is 'No I can't do (whatever), because I DON'T WANT TO' there is no comeback from her that can counter this truth. Personally I'd just say that the arrangement you have, call it friendship if you want to, no longer works for you so you are resigning from her life :)

Sending you the power to break free x

Strawberriesaregreat · 20/05/2022 23:17

Friendships arent meant to make you ill. Tell you think your relationship isn't healthy and you need a break. Then block her on everything.

Lavenderlast · 20/05/2022 23:25

If you really can’t say no, send her a short message saying something like “I’m taking a break from social media and phones. All the best, x” Then block her on everything and don’t answer the door if she comes round.

Juniper68 · 20/05/2022 23:34

Why you and not others? Do you really need to ask!!

Ortega888 · 21/05/2022 00:49

You tell her your physically and mentally exhausted and that you need to step back from everything and everyone as you need a break. Tell her you need a time out as it’s effecting your health. I have had a few friends like this who took advantage and I had to let them go. I still have some still in my life like this and it’s no fun. You need to Peter out the relationship don’t answer the phone or door if she calls and say your resting or busy, bad reception whatever it takes and if you have a family member or partner who can step in to block her even better. They are relentless like terminators you will make yourself I’ll so remove yourself from her now and read up on how to deal with selfish negative and narcissistic people. It got so bad with some of my friends I started to have panic attacks as they are like psychic vampires sucking out all your energy. If they stress you out they have to go. Remember it’s you or them so choose you each and every time. Let us know how you get on

Fernie6491 · 21/05/2022 07:54

yesthatisdrizzle · 20/05/2022 23:01

If all else fails, say this:

"What did your last servant die of?"

I laughed at this - it was a favourite saying in our family - it can also help as it can lighten the situation and makes people smile. Good luck OP, you can do this💐.

Theblacksheepandme · 21/05/2022 08:26

yesthatisdrizzle
If all else fails, say this:

"What did your last servant die of?"

The answer to that in my family was always "disobedience".

Angelswithflirtyfaces · 21/05/2022 10:09

You need to deal with this whole situation as an important life lesson, or it will happen again and again.
Be brave and strengthen boundaries with her. Do not over think it just start now how you want to go on with everyone. If you dont the same type of person will just reappear again.
I was a chronic people pleaser and could have written your post. My own Cheeky F started by love bombing me/ acting as a friend when I was lonely and vulnerable. Before long, I was truly her bitch/ assistant. Any push back from me was always manipulative reaction that it was 'good for me' or playing on my guilt or emotions. I carried on allowing this ( but moaning to family) they thought I was stupid for allowing this and lost all respect for me. Was I that desperate??
I found my anger after she became more controlling and demanding.
I told her it was not 2 way, she was unfair and it would be nice to have a more equal friendship. She went nuclear!!!
When I made it clear I was not her bitch any more that was pretty much done.
However I learned, she did not really like or value ME only what she got out of me. When that stopped and I was of no use as a user there was no point for her to pretend.
A real friend would be mortified that they have taken advantage and would work on a better balanced friendship. A user removes themself very quickly and finds another victim.
Interestingly, I no longer attract these typed any more. They avoid me. Its like I have a repellent for them. My circle is tiny now but much better.
I know how it all started too. In childhood to appease my drunk abusive father. Low self esteem, trying to 'prove' that I could be liked.
You may have to do a lot of uncomfortable delving into why you believe its ok?
Get your partner to help. Tell him I want help with this, its a problem. Get CBT, books too on boundaries/ people pleasing on you tube. See the patterns.
Look into fight, flight, etc responses as there is another one fawn. I was guilty of that but after years I did overcome it. So can you x

Bobbins36 · 21/05/2022 10:13

Theblacksheepandme · 21/05/2022 08:26

yesthatisdrizzle
If all else fails, say this:

"What did your last servant die of?"

The answer to that in my family was always "disobedience".

And in mine the standard answer “a broken jaw for answering back” 😂

OpalSky · 21/05/2022 11:06

Hi @Changeymcchangeychange
I haven’t read all the replies on here, but I do understand what you are going through as I went through a similar experience with a so called friend last year. She didn’t respect boundaries and only saw things from her point of view, never taking into consideration my feelings. In fact she was quite selfish and it showed right at the end what she really thought of me. Friendships will never work, if one doesn’t consider the other friend’s feelings and make assumptions of what friends should do for each other. It was quite liberating when my friendship ended and now I am glad it has finished because she never considered my point of view at any time.

I hope you find the courage to stand up to her and set boundaries. If she doesn’t respect those boundaries, then maybe your life would be better off without her.

yesthatisdrizzle · 21/05/2022 11:52

Theblacksheepandme · 21/05/2022 08:26

yesthatisdrizzle
If all else fails, say this:

"What did your last servant die of?"

The answer to that in my family was always "disobedience".

The answer in our family was 'boredom'!

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 21/05/2022 12:36

The answer in ours was 'overwork and insubordination' 🤣

BoDerek · 21/05/2022 20:51

Maurepas · 20/05/2022 22:59

This ''friend'' and her expectations of you are not really very bad problems. There are much worse thing that can happen to you! Realise that and nip this relationship in the bud. Cut all contact and communication with this woman. Why do you need to know her? How would you cope with a genuinely bad situation if you cannot even say ''no'' to this person?

i think we have established that the problem is the OP’s crippling anxiety about displeasing people. It is making her very unhappy and unwell.

Buttonjugs · 22/05/2022 13:24

I’ve learnt over the many years I’ve had as an adult that sadly, genuine friends are rare. I have one. All the others have long since been ghosted. We seem to live in a world full of egocentric people. I would cut this woman from your life, she is not a genuine friend. Just refuse to have anything to do with her. Get your fiancé to answer the door if she calls, ignore her if she rings. He can tell her you don’t want to speak to her. Write her a letter if you want, or send a message telling her you don’t want to see her anymore. You don’t ever have to speak to her again, and believe me the relief will be emancipating. You don’t have to tell her no. You don’t have to tell her anything.

SnozPoz · 22/05/2022 15:52

It's hard but you do just have to say no. And no again, and no again. You'll find it totally liberating