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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

352 replies

Changeymcchangeychange · 18/05/2022 23:15

Close friends for a very long time. Over the years she has asked many favours of me but its now getting too much. She knows I can't/won't say no to her. I'm a people pleaser, but don't want to be. I just don't have the balls to say no.
I can't list the favours as it's too outting. Shes pushing me to a breakdown. The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point.
I don't know how I manage this situation.

OP posts:

UserError012345 · 19/05/2022 07:34

I'm sorry that this will sound blunt. It's not your friend pushing you, it's you.

As long as you keep saying yes, she will keep asking.

MakeMineALarge1 · 19/05/2022 07:38

There is only one person allowing this to continue, YOU!

bloodyunicorns · 19/05/2022 07:38

You have to learn just to say no. It's not difficult. You're making life so difficult for yourself, and it really doesn't have to be.

And your 'friend' is no friend.

HollowTalk · 19/05/2022 07:42

It sounds like the only way you can stop this is by stopping being her friend. She is a user and she makes you unhappy. I would send one final message saying that the relationship is over because of her demands and then I'd block her.

DuchessofAnkh22 · 19/05/2022 07:51

You can just block and ghost her on you phone. Don't answer the door. Work on yourself.

Or (if this is the case) Phone your boss and say, I have a day off. X is bullying me to cancel it (I assume she is a work colleague?), I need to make a complaint about X.

Cryingintherain99 · 19/05/2022 07:52

Just text her and say, "Look I'm sorry but I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I need some space".
If she still doesn't get the message just tell her to piss off!!

dottiedodah · 19/05/2022 07:53

Just because you have known someone for a long time doesnt mean shes a good friend! Shes a cheeky CF by the sounds of it.You would be better off without a "friend" like this . Ask yourself what you are getting from this RL Just stress and more stress. Just say NO or even better ,just block her .Bloody hell giving up your day off ! Just NO NO and NO again FFS

Original poster

Changeymcchangeychange · 19/05/2022 07:58

Thanks for all the replies.
She's a friend not a work colleague (I met her through work but in a different job to the one I have now). One of the favours she has asked me to be in for a delivery she's scheduled to mine. I told her it was my day off and I didn't know what I was doing. She has ignored that. I now have to wait in and as I WFH I might as well work until the delivery arrives.
The favours cause a hell a of a lot of issues between me and my fiance. He gets so mad at me doing it all and at her asking. As a result he doesn't like her.
Every time I give an excuse for saying no, she then comes up with a million ways to make it work so I can do the favour.
I have never asked her for a favour as her motto is that if she does you a favour then you owe her. I only once asked her to feed my cat. She ignored that part of the message I had sent her but replied to other stuff in the same message.
I am beyond breaking point.
I'm convenient for her as my work allows me to be around in the day. I also have other 'perks' that she takes advantage of too.
She is my only friend.

OP posts:

Fraaahnces · 19/05/2022 08:01

You ABSOLUTELY DO NOT need to wait at home. In fact, deliberately go out so that SHE can be inconvenienced. You’d be insane to wait for whatever she’s sending.

Wolfiefan · 19/05/2022 08:01

She isn’t your friend. She’s using you. Say no. Repeat no. Spend the time you’re not wasting on her making actual friends.

Gudbrand · 19/05/2022 08:02

You have to say no.
That is the only way out of this situation.
And if she keeps at you, just keep repeating
"I've said I'm not able to do this"
"Why not?"
"It doesn't work for me"
"But I really need help with this"
"I'm afraid you'll have to ask someone else as I am not able to do it"

And walk away from her and the friendship if she keeps at you.

Bobbins36 · 19/05/2022 08:04

Do not be at home for that delivery, text her in advance and let her know she can rearrange it. Do not tell her why you won’t be home, just don’t be.

Bobbins36 · 19/05/2022 08:06

Also she’s not your friend, no one who behaves like this is. Its always possible to meet new people and for them to become new friends. Please take care of yourself and get rid of this toxic person in your life.

Shortpoet · 19/05/2022 08:06

Go out. If the delivery she arranged to yours without your agreement or permission is taken back, then it is her problem to deal with.

If you stay in and work thinking “I’ll say no next time” she will continue to push. It will get harder not easier the longer you keep letting her walk all over you.

Go out so you aren’t there if you’re not feeling up to refusing acceptance.

VintageGibbon · 19/05/2022 08:06

Simplify this. Ask yourself: Do I want a breakdown and this 'friend' (who will keep your breakdown active ) or no breakdown and no more friends like this in my life ever?

Text the friend with this message:

"I am under enormous stress right now and need to reduce all pressure in my life. I won't be able to help or support you in any way for the foreseeable future.'
If you are worried the friend might tur nasty, just block them.

IME (as an ex people pleaser who turned 100%, I find being absolutely honest is incredibly empowering. If they turn up at your door foaming, just stand on the doorstep and say: In the past month you have expected me to x, y, z, and I have supported you over a,b,c. But this is never reciprocated. If you are a friend then you will care and understand that I'm at breaking point. If you are a friend you will apologise for taking me for granted and you will back off and let me recover. If you are a user, I recommend you walk away and find a new victim. This one is burnt out.

Sooverthemill · 19/05/2022 08:10

You may feel she’s your only friend but she’s not a friend. It’s so hard to be in this situation but say no. Don’t accept the delivery even if you happen to be in, say it’s not your name and decline delivery or if you are out then just ignore the note through the door.excellent advice below about how to text her

And think of ways to make new friends. Join a book group, go to a yoga class, take up an evening class. There are ways! Can you work from the office again?
good luck

Shortpoet · 19/05/2022 08:11

I now have to wait in

please sit and reflect on whether that statement is really true.
Do you really have to wait in?

What would happen if you didn’t?

If she got angry and stopped speaking to you would that be a bad thing or a blessing?

How would it feel if you didn’t wait in? Would you feel better about standing up to her bullying?

Honestly the worst thing that would happen is the courier would leave a “sorry we missed you” card, and she (not you) would have to go to collect it from the depot. It happens thousands of times every day.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 19/05/2022 08:12

Sod that op...l learnt a long time ago that my needs are as important to me as other people's are to them.
Just say no. Don't even apologise.

Adm1010 · 19/05/2022 08:14

Text her . Tell her you are unable to stay in today for the delivery so she needs to rearrange . Do it now . Then breathe

ignore any demanding texts today . ?? Block her as a temporary measure?

if the delivery arrives when you’re in ignore it .

life is to short for this bollocks . Honestly one shot at life and you’re wasting it getting stressed over this user!?

look after yourself

Shortpoet · 19/05/2022 08:14

She is my only friend.

she’s sucking all the energy out of you so you don’t have anything left to make friends with nice people who don’t take advantage.

Without her in your life you’d be better, not worse off.

EurovisionTragic · 19/05/2022 08:15

It’s hard reversing the trend of always being the reasonable person and saying yes.

One thing that has helped me is that I book myself out. So, I’ll look at my calendar and highlight when I am vulnerable to being roped into stuff and I’ll book things in, like concerts, days out, weekends away. That way I can’t get out of it. Plus I’ve learnt to not say yes, but to wait and think about it, and if I don’t want to do it, I’ll reply saying no.

HollowTalk · 19/05/2022 08:15

Just spend your day exactly as you want to spend it. Don't wait at all and certainly don't do any work. Do exactly what you want and if the parcel arrives when you're in, fine, and if not, it's not your problem.

She is a user though, not your friend.

LIZS · 19/05/2022 08:17

No you don't wait in. If you have other plans do them and she will have to rearrange it if you are not in when it arrives.

How does she contact you? Block her or set her emails to go to another folder which you only review on a certain day/time each week. Be too busy to take calls and set a ringtone for her numbers so you do not answer. Give yourself breathing space.

movemyshed · 19/05/2022 08:17

OP, in case you're in any doubt, I voted YABU because you're letting this person walk all over you and you are being unreasonable in allowing her to.
Please read the advice on here and act on it.

ConfusedByDesign · 19/05/2022 08:18

She doesn't sound like a friend op. She's using you and bullying you. Divert your energy into doing things for yourself. Join groups and meet some new people.

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