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Original poster

Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

360 replies

Leanabelle · 18/05/2022 12:53

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

OP posts:
VeryTrying22 · 18/05/2022 12:56

Why on earth would you choose to have a baby in this situation.

What does your DP do when this crap happens, when his parents speak to you so terribly?

In your shoes I’d contact citizens advice, get an application for universal credit going and HB, move out with or without ‘D’P

BattenburgDonkey · 18/05/2022 12:56

Is your baby/child old enough for you to get a job so you can save to move out? Failing that I’d spend most out the day out at playgrounds/baby groups etc and make a plan to move out asap.

VeryTrying22 · 18/05/2022 12:56

Also unless you are paying market rent you are acting like children, might be why MIL is treating you as such

Oysterbabe · 18/05/2022 12:59

She's being a nightmare but I imagine she's sick of you all living in her house.

Indicatrice · 18/05/2022 12:59

YANBU. You need to stop dancing to her tube.

Agree with DH a fair allocation of the household tasks that you (AND HIM) will do and that’s it.

Don’t be a dance monkey for her friends. Just stop being there and go out (or to your room).

Indicatrice · 18/05/2022 13:00

*tune

shropshire11 · 18/05/2022 13:07

You need your partner to step up here. He's started a new family (with you and your child). His responsibilities to his new family are greater even than those to his parents. You have to come first. If he won't put you first, you need to respond accordingly.

elephantbreathing · 18/05/2022 13:17

If you've been there 2 years why haven't you saved any money?
And having a baby...words fail me

JanisMoplin · 18/05/2022 13:23

I am going to assume you might possibly be Asian with all the cultural baggage that involves. There is only one way to deal with Asian inlaws and that is to draw boundaries right from the beginning, and never live with them, ever. I would live in a box flat rather than live with inlaws and stand on my own feet.

rocketfromthecrypt · 18/05/2022 13:25

VeryTrying22 · 18/05/2022 12:56

Also unless you are paying market rent you are acting like children, might be why MIL is treating you as such

This. Stand on your own two feet and move out, or stop moaning and accept that living for little or no rent comes with compromises.

girlmom21 · 18/05/2022 13:26

You had a baby and have no money because he's working and you're not.

The obvious answer is you get a job and move out.

Herejustforthisone · 18/05/2022 13:32

Mate, you’re going to have to get a job and get the fuck out of there. How old are you and hole old is your baby?

Tohaveandtohold · 18/05/2022 13:32

Ultimately, you would need to move out.
She is being unreasonable to treat you the way she is however she might be frustrated as well because in 2 years, both of you have not made any attempt to save and move out. Maybe she wants her space and is trying to frustrate you, though that’s poor form of her anyway.
you can try and go to the park, plan outings where you can be the whole day and just come in at night time, etc so you spend as little time as possible with her. Ultimately, you need to get your own place

Ponderingwindow · 18/05/2022 13:34

The reality is that as long as you live in their house, you do have to live by their rules. How old is your baby? Is there any possibility of you and your partner working opposite shifts so you can earn more? If you didn’t live with him, would you have other housing options?

Movingonup22 · 18/05/2022 13:35

does your partner work full time?

I find it hard to believe you can’t move out.

if it has to be a small flat so be it

LookItsMeAgain · 18/05/2022 13:40

Is there absolutely no way that you could leave your DP and his wacky family and get some sort of emergency housing for you and your baby?

LookItsMeAgain · 18/05/2022 13:45

Actually thinking about it in more depth, you really really need to think whether or not you want to be tied to this DP of yours for some considerable amount of time. By that I mean if he isn't standing up for you now, it's not likely to improve if/when you get married or move out. He's still going to dance to his mother's tune, not yours.
In the meantime, I'd get up early, get loads of stuff together for a day out and get out of the house/flat with the baby for the whole day. Only return home when you know your DP will be there. Find your library, spend time there. Go for a coffee, go for a walk anywhere and everywhere. Explore.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/05/2022 13:46

You know what people are going to say…

If you’re living under her roof and not paying your way you can’t control much about your situation.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy or nice but I doubt they want you all there either and weren’t expecting you to add a baby into the mix, not least because babies cost money and you’re only there because you say you don’t have any to live independently. It sounds crap for everyone.

Where were you living till 2 years ago? Do you both work? How much have you saved in 2 years by not paying rent elsewhere? When are you planning to move out?

MintIceCream1 · 18/05/2022 13:47

Two years, and your partner who works, hasn't even saved even enough for a caravan or teeny flat? Seriously? What are you wasting your money on? Two years should have allowed you to save a substantial amount of money for a flat. I can't see any excuses. And choosing to bring a child into this mess? Irresponsible. You need financial counselling if you haven't saved enough for one months rent even, after 2 years. That's just not possible so something does not add up. You need to get a full time job preferably, even part time. Your partner is clearly either earning nothing at all or you're squandering what he earns instead of saving it. There is no way you have 'little to no' money after 2 years! What have you and him been doing with the money?

Buy an old bus or caravan even to just start. Then work up. You CAN move out, you just choose not to. And you've brought an innocent child into this mess which is selfish and irresponsible. Personally I would leave your partner as NO MAN is worth this, and after 2 years and no money to show for it, he is a deadbeat and there is no future with him. No real man would make his partner (and child!) live like this, after two years! He's a deadbeat and non-starter. Leave, get a job. Even if you have to stay in a caravan or above a pub for a few months it is better than the situation you're in.

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/05/2022 13:54

I’m not sure there’s any other answer besides moving out. You could live in a room in a houseshare: you might not like the idea, but you do have choices even if you don’t really like them. There’s no magical solution to making his parents behave differently towards you whilst you are being subsidised and loving in their house, so the easiest option really is to vote with your feet.

Justcallmebebes · 18/05/2022 13:58

If you've been there 2 years why haven't you saved any money?
And having a baby...words fail me

^This

EmJay19 · 18/05/2022 13:59

I stayed with in-laws in lockdown 1 with 6mo DS. It was hard!

In your situation is try to make a sort of weekly schedule that you stick to during the day with your DS to get out of the house as much as possible and so she’ll know you’ve got your own stuff on. I’d be literally going to any and every weekly drop in etc, even if it meant a long walk to get there.

Good luck!

VioletHills · 18/05/2022 14:02

Are you able to move in with anyone in your family? Even just you and the baby until you can move into your own place?

passport123 · 18/05/2022 14:03

"There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life."

but to be fair you're not acting like an adult, assume you're not paying a market rent.

ButtockUp · 18/05/2022 14:18

Such a sad situation that was totally avoidable.

You need to talk to your council about accommodation and you need to think about your and your baby's future.

I'd leave your partner behind at his mum's.

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