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Original poster

Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

360 replies

Leanabelle · 18/05/2022 12:53

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

OP posts:
VeryTrying22 · 18/05/2022 18:59

So you wrongly thought you legally wasn’t able to move out during the pandemic

you have no idea what your partner spends the money on, how much he has saved and why he isn’t able to get you to a point of moving out after 2 bloody years

Your ‘D’P is the issue here and you’re a numpty for just going along with it, leave this waster and get on with your life

KettrickenSmiled · 18/05/2022 18:59

I thought the whole point of posting on here was for help and advice?

Nobody can help you change your inlaws personalities, & there is no advice that magic away their attitude or your subsequent MH issues.

If you are unable to give specifics - like where your partner's earnings go for example - is it all swallowed up on paying rent to his parents? - & unwilling to leave him so you at least get respite from his mother - what help & advice do you think PP are able to offer?

If you're still up for advice despite your caveats, mine is that you should prioritse your MH. Go onto websites like Shelter & Womens Aid & find out how to get help with accommodation due to parental abuse. Domestic abuse does not need to be partner-on-partner to 'qualify' as abuse - england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/housing_options/housing_options_for_people_experiencing_domestic_abuse/housing_rights_of_domestic_abuse_survivors#title-1
So I suggest you find yourself an advocate within a relevant organisation, & find out what you would need to do to get help from your local authority.

You'll probably need to present as single & temporarily live alone from your partner, but surely that's a small price to pay for your freedom & psychological wellbeing? You will also be much better able to plan for your medium term future once you are out from under MiL's thumb.

butterpuffed · 18/05/2022 19:00

@Psychgrad , not all of us have piled on but you really should read the full thread.

OP's PILS have called their son irresponsible with money and OP has said she doesn't know what DP does with his money, so it's not just down to him earning a low wage.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/05/2022 19:01

Ah so much stating the obvious and no actual productive help.

JFC.
Are you this entitled as a house guest, or is this extreme frustration coming out?

TurquoiseSwirl · 18/05/2022 19:02

A full time job with no rent or childcare means the money is going somewhere either gambling or another addiction. If the relationship isn’t worth this then move out and leave and claim benefits and your sanity back and your DP will pay child support. Nothing is worth the hell tou are living and DH controlling your money this way

Psychgrad · 18/05/2022 19:02

Im not trying to be forceful or nosey but could you try find a job where you can take your child with you? My friend took up after school nannying and took her little one with her while she worked, she had very little experience apart from being a mum herself. She used an app called Bubble to find babysitting jobs before that and then got a permanent one after a few months. Another option could be using childminders or Childrens centres for affordable childcare, have you looked into that? I’m guessing you might live in london?

KettrickenSmiled · 18/05/2022 19:03

I can't go to work because dc isnt eligible for free child care yet he is 1

You can work any hours that your partner is home.
Evening shifts in a pub - night shifts cleaning - anything, just to get you an income again.
You can improve your career prospects later - right now, you need cash.

ComDummings · 18/05/2022 19:05

Your DP is the problem. Do you have any access to money at all? Is he a gambler?

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 18/05/2022 19:06

butterpuffed · 18/05/2022 19:00

@Psychgrad , not all of us have piled on but you really should read the full thread.

OP's PILS have called their son irresponsible with money and OP has said she doesn't know what DP does with his money, so it's not just down to him earning a low wage.

If this is teenagers as I suspect he could be on a very low wage indeed and with the cost of baby, food etc, there is nothing left.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/05/2022 19:06

VeryTrying22 · 18/05/2022 18:59

So you wrongly thought you legally wasn’t able to move out during the pandemic

you have no idea what your partner spends the money on, how much he has saved and why he isn’t able to get you to a point of moving out after 2 bloody years

Your ‘D’P is the issue here and you’re a numpty for just going along with it, leave this waster and get on with your life

This.

You would also prefer not to work than give up ‘family time’ so you can work at the weekends?!

This whole thread is bizarre. The only person who can help you is yourself. The only way your low mental health is going to improve is by leaving. You are having a normal response to an abnormal situation.

You might get practical advice if you say…

what is your partner earning?
how much are you paying his parents for rent/bills/food?
how much is he paying out each month on whatever it is you’re refusing to expand on?

Stravaig · 18/05/2022 19:07

OP, To solve this, you need to be very practical and to deal in factual reality. To help you, we need factual information.

What is your DP's work, how many hours, what does he earn? After two years with no rent or mortgage payments, you should have a stack of savings. Yet you say you have no money and no savings. What on earth has happened to the money he earned? I would not be happy to sacrifice by living with his family and have nothing to show for it.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/05/2022 19:08

When I found out I was pregnant I brought this all up as a concern. I was strongly considering abortion all for these very reasons but dp told me he would have us out of there by the end of the year. Well a baby and a whole year later and his money is non existence, our savings is dry and we are no closer to leaving.
For the love of Dog - HOW is he earning enough to disqualify you from benefits, living with his parents, & still has no money?
what are you choosing not to tell us?
Or what is he not telling you?

I never wanted and this and a long time ago I did have the options of living somewhere different
What was that option?

CanofCant · 18/05/2022 19:08

Hi OP, have you posted before because I'm sure you have. Anyway, if it is you I am thinking of then not much progress has been made since last time has it? You won't look ike my advice but I really think you and your baby should leave, stay at a family/friend's (though you sound quite isolated so that might be difficult) or present as homeless, apply for housing, perhaps even contact Woman's Aid for help and advice.

He sounds like he has manipulated you into staying close from what you have said. He has let you down repeatedly and now you have spent all your savings whilst he is making excuse after excuse. This situation will not improve or change unless you make the first move as everyone else in this scenario is having their needs met apart from you.

Twizbe · 18/05/2022 19:08

I feel for you.

We lived with my in laws for 6 months. Like you we couldn't change that situation as our house had no back and was uninhabitable and it was lockdown.

It was hell. I was miserable and stressed. I was stuck at home all day with the kids as FiL was terrified of covid. It broke me.

In terms of help. Pop along to citizens advice together and get some help with budgeting and saving. Really talk through your money situation and how you can make moving out work. That way you have a plan and likely a date by which you could move.

Do you have any friends or family you could go and stay with for a few days. A change of scene might help to clear the air a bit.

What job did you do before?

stargirl1701 · 18/05/2022 19:08
  1. Leave your DP citing financial abuse
  1. Go to the council and explain you are separated from your DP due to above and therefore homeless
  1. Get emergency accommodation
  1. Apply for benefits with CAB advice
  1. Apply for CMS from ex DP
  1. Do not have any more children unless you meet a new partner
  1. Wait to be housed with your DC1
Wisteriaroundthedoor · 18/05/2022 19:10

KettrickenSmiled · 18/05/2022 19:08

When I found out I was pregnant I brought this all up as a concern. I was strongly considering abortion all for these very reasons but dp told me he would have us out of there by the end of the year. Well a baby and a whole year later and his money is non existence, our savings is dry and we are no closer to leaving.
For the love of Dog - HOW is he earning enough to disqualify you from benefits, living with his parents, & still has no money?
what are you choosing not to tell us?
Or what is he not telling you?

I never wanted and this and a long time ago I did have the options of living somewhere different
What was that option?

The answer is clearly they are teenagers and living with his parents,, below 18 living with parents, disqualifies him. And she doesn’t work and is also stilllegally a child.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/05/2022 19:12

A full time job with no rent or childcare means the money is going somewhere either gambling or another addiction

These aren't the only possibilities, but anyway it's not just DP's money he's spending ... OP said he's burned through her hers as well:

"I had savings that have gone because I've had to use them on our family unit whilst dp focused his money else where"

bloodyunicorns · 18/05/2022 19:12

You should be working in the evenings, the weekends, any time dh is home.

But why, after two years, have you not saved up a pot of money? I agree with the others: you need to find out where your p's money goes.

Have you thought about things from your PILs' point of view? Maybe they're not happy sharing their house with you?

KettrickenSmiled · 18/05/2022 19:12

Leanabelle · 18/05/2022 18:29

@MintIceCream1 with all due respect, you have no idea what you are talking about. You have no idea why we have no money or why it's taking so long to save up. But all I can say is I have nothing to do with. I had savings that have gone because I've had to use them on our family unit whilst dp focused his money else where. I have sacrificed left right and centre. We had a deposit money and it went all down the drain. Mil knows we are here due to her OWN sons irresponsible behaviour with money. I do ALOT for her and trust me when I say she is not hard done by having my company and help.

Right.

So when you got pregnant, you were reluctant to proceed your DP promised you the earth, failed to deliver, likes living at home with mummy, fritters away the money he promised to earn to house you & DC ... & instead of moving out & going solo to get help from agencies/local authorities, you are tolerating him sending it all "down the drain"?
& instead of tackling him about WTF he is playing at, you're getting shirty with PP?

Is that about right?

Stravaig · 18/05/2022 19:14

stargirl1701 · 18/05/2022 19:08

  1. Leave your DP citing financial abuse
  1. Go to the council and explain you are separated from your DP due to above and therefore homeless
  1. Get emergency accommodation
  1. Apply for benefits with CAB advice
  1. Apply for CMS from ex DP
  1. Do not have any more children unless you meet a new partner
  1. Wait to be housed with your DC1

^ This is a good action plan, OP.

PinkArt · 18/05/2022 19:16

Oh OP, the more you write, the more it seems obvious as an outsider that the issue is your OH, not the in laws. He's - it sounds like it's a case of he has not that the pair of you have? - got in to a huge financial pickle for whatever reason and one that two years of low or no rent haven't got him out of. That alone is bad, but far more concerning is that a) he's been lying to you about how long the issue will take to resolve and b) you have no clue yourself of the situation.

If it was gambling or addiction, you need mega reassurances from him that it's stopped and he's getting help. If it's debt, you need overview of the payment plan. The two of you should have a financial plan to get you out of the hole that you are both across. If he's earning enough that you don't think you're entitled to benefits, then even a huge debt could have been cleared with no housing costs for a prolonged period.

He's not giving you the whole picture and I think it's likely that that is a huge factor affecting your mental health - you have no agency or control here. It's like a prison sentence but one that you don't know your release date for! That's why a lot of the advice here should help, as it's giving you back that control, either finacially or through making plans.

oakleaffy · 18/05/2022 19:16

Unless you are 13, It’s lunacy to doss in someone else’s house with a baby.
You have been there two years and not moved on?
No wonder the MIL is frustrated.
You have to move out, for everyone’s sakes.

Why on earth bring s baby into this sketchy setup?

Mischance · 18/05/2022 19:16

I think you know that moving it is the only answer, as you have pre-empted this by telling us not to tell you to move out!

It sounds as though your MIL is seriously rude and unpleasant to you, which is simply not on and not to be tolerated.

There will be a way of moving out, unless you have spent the last 2 years in debauchery (in which case your MIL might be right about you!!).

Set your goal and put all your efforts into it.

IVFPrayingForBioChild · 18/05/2022 19:16

I don't think this is an Asian household, they are not married.
She states partner rather than husband.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/05/2022 19:17

I stayed here occasionally but had my own job/life and it wasn't so bad.
Then lock down hit and I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't by law leave here.

Eh?
There was no lockdown law that forbade people from returning to their own homes from places they'd been visiting.

You are being disingenuous OP.
Which is up to you, but PP cannot help you if you refuse to state clearly what is actually going on.