Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

[Leanabelle]

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

So he works full time and lives at home with his parents, but has no money? That makes absolutely no sense.

I think you need to question where the money is going, but you also need to get a job for your own sake. Or at least find out what you'd be entitled to if you moved out with the baby (leave your partner where he is).

People are giving advice but you clearly don't want to hear it.

You need to sit down with dp and make a plan.

For example we will work to save x a king every week and by xxxx date we will have enjoying for a deposit.

I know it seems a huge mountain to climb but it have to start somewhere. Even if it's going to take three years a date will help. It will give you a focus

Where is all your money going? Assuming your DP works full time on at least minimum wage (and if not, why not?), then surely that gives enough to save if you’re living with the in laws?

I ended up leaving my ex of 6 years as I had had enough of how his family and especially his mother treated me. Highlights include her berating me to tears right after childbirth and constantly being told my child prefers her and so on. Unfortunately, my ex wont have a word said about her, which is willful blindness imo, not to mention a total turn off. Just not worth it.

You are making excuses. You have been given good advice, you aren't even acknowledging any of it! What is the whole point of posting on here when you won't LISTEN to what we're saying. I don't know what you want, but it's clear you want us to say only something that you want to hear. You are not being mature or rational.

it could be years before we move out

There we have it. NO, it shouldn't be 'years' before you move out. You should have had MORE THAN ENOUGH money saved up by now so you should have left a year ago. To say 'years' is taking the piss out of your MIL and I feel sorry for her, you really are using her and you're too irresponsible to save and get a job! It shouldn't even take you months, let alone years!

Where is all the money going? If you're living with your MIL out of financial necessity, that means you aren't paying her rent, or at least are at a subsidised rate. So that difference should have been saved. So how can you just be scraping by when you have no bills to pay? Where is all the money going?

And if your MIL is 'taking over' your DC then why can't she mind him while you get a job?

Or as others have said, why can't you get shift work while your partner is home with the baby?

You won't answer any questions. And your panic attacks clearly are not that bad at all since you are COUNTING ON staying "years" with MIL because you aren't prepared to get a job. So don't talk panic attacks, if you had them, you'd be out of there like a shot and you'd leave your partner. IF it were that bad, you'd live in a shelter on your own with the baby, in a caravan, in a hostel, ANYwhere. So I don't believe you. You should be gone in months, yet here you are actively planning to stay years. You're taking the piss and you know it. Get a job! And/or leave your partner. It's that simple.

People are advising you. They are offering help.

But the reality is that you probably won't feel happier or have stronger mental health while you're living with your ILs. You and they are too different. You are beholden to them. They feel you 'owe' them. You have different parenting styles. You are at home all day every day, while your DP escapes much of the atmosphere because he's at work.

Do you really think a few hints and tips will help you rebuilt your mental strength and sustain a happy life for several more years?

Honestly, your only option is that make a plan to move out. A plan will motivate you. It will keep you sane during the worst times. It will give you hope. It will give you a target and a common goal with your DP. Not having a plan will result in many more years of the same.

I don’t think it’s right to suggest applying for funds or for social housing. The OP and her boyfriend chose to have a baby without any housing but are being housed by family. There are thousands of single parents and families who have no option to stay with family/friends and whose circumstances have changed. Let them have the chance at getting social housing.

Thank God you're not in charge of social housing then. What a shitty thing to say.

Mmmm. This whole thing is odd. You cant 'learn' how to cope with this. You have to move out. I fnd it particularly mental that you say you cant. Whats the solution then? Stay? Murder your parents in law? Cry yourself to sleep forever?
Maybe think about being less helpless and adulting and earning both of your ways out of this?

What is he doing with his money? What did you think it was going to be like when you brought a baby into this set up? You want advice and help but nobody can change poor choices that you two have made. What will help you is making better choices going forwards.
Have a proper look at your finances, start saving seriously and get out of there.

Your inlaws are abusive and your DH is a mummy's boy who won't tell them to shut up. So the only solution is to stand up to them- which clearly you find impossible- or leave, which you find equally impossible. A stopgap would be to spend the whole day out of the house, in the park, libraries, or in playgroups. But you can't do that for 3 years.

You are worthy.
You are strong.
You are a good person.
You can get through this.
You have a beautiful son.
You don't deserve to be dictated to or criticised or put down.

Tell yourself this when you go to bed tonight, and every night. Anything you can let slide, let it slide. Water off a ducks back. However when you need to, fight. So when MIL says she has people coming over and asks you to do X, y or z, you say no and mean it. Always have a plan. E.g you are booked in at the dentist, a play group, citizens advice, the bank, the opticians. Do you have friends? You sound incredibly isolated and vulnerable.

Shame on those people who have come on here with judgemental and frankly cruel comments.

You can’t really just ignore or her or move on.

You need to get away.

to do that you need to figure out where your dps entire wage is going.

Because it’s either sizeable debt that you know about and don’t want to say, because that’s the reason you lived in with them, or his hiding something from you. Either way, until that issue is sorted, the situation is what it is.

Some of the comments on here are on a par with that awful Tory MP saying poor people should just work harder

Can his parents look after your child whilst you work? Is that a possibility? If they both work full time in the week you could get a job at weekends or in the evenings?

How old is the baby? How soon can you get a job? How much have you managed to save up over the 2 years of living there?

Nothing is going to make this situation palatable. You’ve got to move out.

Honestly it is hard to have sympathy for someone who would willingly make their own life so much harder by having a child they can’t afford.

If your in laws ‘take over’ your child, could they not look after them while you work? Work evenings or weekends when your partner isn’t working?

If you want to be treated like adults it is time to start acting like adults

Have you seen your gp with regards to your anxiety? Have you registered with the local authority for housing?
You really don’t have to stay there for years. Making a plan will help. It’s difficult to offer specific advice without more detail. If your dp is earning enough that you don’t qualify for any benefits and you don’t pay full rent and bills, it’s hard to understand why you can’t save.
Sorry you’re feeling so low, if you can give further details without outing yourself we might be able to give better advice.

What’s the alternative? Plant a money tree?

No one should be handed everything on a plate, you do actually have to work for it

I can't go to work because dc isnt eligible for free child care yet he is 1. I can't get benefits because dp works ft and earns too much but not enough to save off. Literally he meets the bare minimum so we scape by every month. Child benefit is the only money I get. But 21 pounds is a week is nothing.

You get a job that’s opposite shifts to your DP then you don’t need to pay for childcare. It would also have the advantage of getting you out of the house away from your MIL a bit more.

I would say put baby in buggy and walk for at least an hour.
The exercise wil lift your mood, get endorphins going.
Do this twice a day. You need to get out of the house as much as you can. Baby groups etc

She may well be a total nightmare and purposely make your life hard, but ultimately the only advice to that is to move out. If it’s more than just her not understanding the impact of her actions and being one of those unfourtunate “I tell it like it is” types, and she genuinely wants to upset you and doesn’t like you, there is no way to make this easier.

What I don’t understand is how you can have lived there two years and have no money if your boyfriend works full time?

OP.
get this moved to relationship section.
You will hopefully get nicer replies... unlike the nasty ones you've received here.

There are some awful people on this thread.
Bullies is the word for you.

I’m sorry you’re finding things so tough. Please may I ask a really rude question? How much does your dp earn? Are you paying off debts? If you give us more info it means we can help you figure out a plan to get you set up not living with your inlaws. Getting out is your best option to move forward. In addition do some cbt to combat your anxiety. If you really can’t work why don’t you sign up for some education courses you can do from home to better your prospects when you get there?

most Of the posters are trying to help. There really is no learning to cope with this situation. You have to be proactive and take control to change things. If your child is 1 and there are not health concerns or special needs you haven’t mentioned, either you or your partner needs to start bringing in additional money. He can get a second job or you can find a job. It doesn’t have to be full-time and it can’t be because it will have to be done around his job. The key is that every bit earned can go into the moving fund.

When I found out I was pregnant I brought this all up as a concern. I was strongly considering abortion all for these very reasons but dp told me he would have us out of there by the end of the year. Well a baby and a whole year later and his money is non existence, our savings is dry and we are no closer to leaving. Trust me I would never willingly trap myself more in this situation it was hard enough pre child. I just honestly thought we would be further along than this.

Dps parents offer to look after dc but they have health complications and have days where they can hardly get out of bed so they aren't reliable. My family can't for their own reasons. Child care is too much here (we live in a very expensive Borough). Trust me I've tried. If I put my child into childcare I might as well not work. Me and dp didn't want for me to work weekends when he is free as that meant no family time. We hardly see each other as it is. But at this point I'm strongly considering it.... I don't see any other choice. I do have a small side hustle but the money is unreliable and too little.

I never wanted and this and a long time ago I did have the options of living somewhere different but it would of meant not being able to be with dp or keep our family unit together. He was distraught by the idea of this, I was saddened by it but alot more open minded. His parents hated it as they love living with dc. Now I'm here and I'm stuck. I just want to feel happy and make the best of my situation.