Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

[Leanabelle]

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

Does your dp actually want to move out? Or is he quite comfortable with his parents? Doesn't sound like he's trying very hard to find you a new place. (Cutting you some slack here since you've just had a baby, but you need to make some effort too)

It's not right to force someone to be entertainment just because they live with you.

Did you have a job before you had your baby? What is the issue with money? Why haven't you been able to come up with a rental deposit in 2 years?

You need to sort the money stuff out. Is your partner working? Could you work weekends (or whenever his days off are)?

Am I right that you chose to have a baby despite being in this situation? Why?
Why not prioritise getting out of there?
I'm trying to understand but it seems that it is your own life choices that have you, and keep you, living with your ILs

I hope things get better for you soon.

You need to give more information on why you can't move out. Because there's no advice to give here: after two years both you and you in laws have been driven crazy.

OP, you need a plan.

How much you need to save.
How much you can save each month
How long it will take you to save enough to move out.
Whether you can go out to work.
What childcare you'd use if you work.
What responsibilities are fair and reasonable for you to commit to while living with the ILs
How much your DP contributes practically
What activities you can book to go out to with baby
Whether your contributing a fair amount financially and if not how you can rectify this.

Don't complain or moan unless you are able to plan a solution.

You need a plan and whatever your financial situation you must work towards improving it. In the 2 years you or your DP should’ve retrain to get a better job to see you out of this situation.

I’ve got no advice apart form that really, every couple I knew that had to live with their in laws really struggled and the only option was to move out.

Your MIL can be the worst bitch in the world but nothing we say on here can change it. Nor can you - you should focus all your time & energy to
get your family out of there ASAP.

There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

Could this be because you are not behaving like an adult? You've lived there two years, way past the time when you and your DP should be self sufficent and in a home of your own.

Knowing the situation you are in, what possessed you to decide to have a baby?

If you can't afford childcare then you need to find evening/weekend jobs so your DP can look after your child while you are working.

I don't have children but if I did I would not be happy with you all living in my house. I don't blame your MiL for being fed up.

Do you have a long term plan? I lived with my ILs for 6 weeks while we were waiting for our house to be ready. It was strange but we were greatful as you say you are. But my MIL (being helpful) would come into our room when we were at work and do our laundry 😳 made me cringe. I said not to be she said she didn't mind and was no point in having the machine going more than needed. Her house so I left her to it.

I presume you've moved in to try save for a deposit? How is that going, will it be much longer?

Your MIL should not slate your family. That is very rude.

You could try registering with homehunt.co.uk. You and dp could also apply for a discretionary housing payment from the local council to help with the deposit for a private rental of your own, if you and your dp have a low income apply for Universal Credit to top up low wages and help with rent. It sounds an intolerable situation that is affecting your mental health. Best wishes to you, I hope something changes for the better soon.

I don’t think it’s right to suggest applying for funds or for social housing. The OP and her boyfriend chose to have a baby without any housing but are being housed by family. There are thousands of single parents and families who have no option to stay with family/friends and whose circumstances have changed. Let them have the chance at getting social housing.

You need to grit your teeth and be grateful. If you don’t want to spend the day with your MIL, get a full time job. It’ll mean you save up quicker for a deposit.

The OP and her boyfriend chose to have a baby without any housing but are being housed by family. There are thousands of single parents and families who have no option to stay with family/friends and whose circumstances have changed. Let them have the chance at getting social housing.

@VanillaSpiceCandle were does it say that the OP is not once of these people and that she chose all this? All her OP says is that she had no choice. How is she different to any of those other people that should be allowed the chance to get social housing?

The dates and ages mentioned in the op clearly show she lived with them before becoming pregnant. She wasn’t a parent who fell on hard times if she has a newborn and has been living with them for 2 years

She doesn't work. That's why she can't afford to move out. He works full time and they still can't afford it which means their moneys going somewhere. There's no excuse to not have some money saved.

@VeryTrying22 it says that she gave birth, absolutely no indication when, she could have moved in when pregnant. I can’t see were that is clear at all. Not sure why you are convinced her circumstances haven’t changed.

the OP states ‘I struggling with anxiety NOW after giving birth’ most don’t randomly suffer anxiety over a year after giving birth

Ah so much stating the obvious and no actual productive help.

I can't move out. I said this. We have no money. That's the end of that.. I can't explain why because its very obvious. Two years was during the lock down. I ended up getting stuck here and then a unplanned surprise pregnancy. My previous living accommodation prior to my partners place is no longer an option. At all. It's gone. Demolished. So no telling me to go back where I came from please.

I didn't ask for people to dig at my financial state I asked for help on how to make the living situation bearable.

For all those saying parents must be equally frustrated they aren't actually. They have taken over my child like he is their own and mil doesn't want us to move out. She consistently says we can't move far, ideally she wants us next door if we have to go.

I can't go to work because dc isnt eligible for free child care yet he is 1. I can't get benefits because dp works ft and earns too much but not enough to save off. Literally he meets the bare minimum so we scape by every month. Child benefit is the only money I get. But 21 pounds is a week is nothing.

Again I'm not looking for sympathy or dictation just productive advice please.

There is actually some good advice on here, OP, if you choose to take it.
No-one has a magic solution, though.

He earns to much for benefits but not enough to save anything. While you live with his parents.

His parents aren’t going to change. There’s no real suggestions to give. Your financial situation is the only way out of it.

Lockdown hit you so hard you both lost your jobs and got evicted?

There is no useful advice to give you!

Just concentrate on getting out,leave your partner behind if necessary.

Putting aside for now how you got in to this situation - although it might be worth you thinking through so you don't end up stuck in such a situation again - what you need to focus on for now is what you can change. You can't change your in laws behaviour, but you can change what you do. As others have said, you need a plan and a fast acting one, as spending this much time in a home that is affecting your MH isn't good.
Can you work? Night shifts if needs be so you can tag team looking after the baby with your OH. How much do you have saved, how much do you need to have saved? What can you do each day that will help ease the tension - what can get you out of the house?

I thought the whole point of posting on here was for help and advice?

Yes I know we need to work on moving out but what about every night when I cry myself to sleep or have panic attacks. What about how crappy being here and his parents make me feel? The constant put down??? I want to know how to get over or work on that so during the mean time when we save, and it could be years before we move out, I don't lose my sanity or happiness so much. That's all

Bit we need to know where the money is going to advise you