Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

[Leanabelle]

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

If you are living like this because your partner is irresponsible with money, then that should be a deal breaker. Financial responsibility is one of the most important criteria in selecting a partner. If he was irresponsible in the past, but has now come to understand the importance of being a partner and a parent that can be ok because people grow up and do better, but if he is continuing to be irresponsible with money you have to leave.

Things carry on despite the rain checks

Can you explain this?

@2bazookas before my child there was much more freedom. I stayed here occasionally but had my own job/life and it wasn't so bad. Then lock down hit and I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't by law leave here. Then when baby came along pils dictation got worse and more. Hindsight is a funny thing.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I would suggest you present yourself as homeless at your local council and take it from there. It might be a difficult few months but better than staying where you are.

If you have no/little money, you'll be entitled to the housing element of Universal Credit to cover your rent from then on

OP's already said her DP earns over the threshold for claiming benefits, and they're not going to pay out to cover a shortfall caused by his irresponsibility if he still has the job

Because of the baby it's likely OP would be housed though, which is why getting out of there could work - either that or working when DP isn't, and using the money for OP's own deposit

How much are you paying to live with your in-laws? Why do you not know what's happening to your partner's money?

No, I don't, which is why others and I ASKED YOU where the money is going. So give the details then we'll know and can help more. Then if your boyfriend is squandering the money, he is a deadbeat and you need to get away from him! You know he throws all the money away, WHY stay with someone so irresponsible? What life is that for you or your son?

You choose to stay with him. You therefore choose this lifestyle and to you choose to be in poverty and you choose to live with his parents.

You need to walk away from him. He will NEVER change. You will NEVER get the money to leave otherwise. Your son will be 12 years old, and you will STILL be living with MIL because your boyfriend is not going to change. He is irresponsible, bad with money, and not even a child or your distress is making him be any more responsible. He is a deadbeat, and you are choosing this life. He will NEVER change. You must know that. He will NEVER be responsible with money. Your only option is to leave him. He is a deadbeat and a waste. Choose to stay with him, you choose all this including leaving forever with MIL. The only way to get away from MIL is to go live in a shelter with the baby. We are giving you advice, but if you adopt the defeatist attitude then you are doing your son a disservice. Wake up to yourself and leave him. He brings nothing to your life but causes you distress and his MIL too. You are better off in a shelter with baby than with that. You really have no choice but to leave him.

Is your dp still irresponsible with money? If so, then why do you want to be with someone who sees you get more miserable every day and won’t change his behaviour. Does he have a drug/gambling addiction?
I feel for you, from what you’ve said about your own family, you haven’t had the easiest time of it.

How are you not privy to every single detail of the finances? You should know exactly what is coming in and exactly what is being spent and where.

You have counselling starting next week?
It must be free, was it a GP referral? If so, can they offer more practical support for your situation?
You don't need counselling, you need to leave that situation and that husband.

So, do you want to be poor forever? If so this is how you do it. Stay with a waste of a man and give your kid no chance. I'd just leave and present as homeless, you will be far better off in every part of your life. Then he can focus on paying you child maintenance.

Ok it sounds like he's doing fuck all doesn't it? And you have very little knowledge about the financial plan.

If you do nothing you will never get out of that house. You'll just have it after they're dead. And you'll be the one caring for them.

There may come a point when you have to choose between him and your mental health and make some phone calls to shelter and women's aid.

What will happen if you have a complete breakdown and are unable to care for your child?

I'm so sorry this is your life. It sounds utterly soul destroying. I really hope the therapy will help you think about what you can do.

And adding a baby into the mix too. Nightmare.

sorry @Leanabelle for all of these unhelpful Tory like comments but this is mumsnet for you I’m afraid, full of middle class snobs who will never understand what it is like to be genuinely poor or have a mental health problem. If you follow mumsnet for long enough you’ll come to realise the solutions to all of lifes problems are 1. Leave your husband and 2. Just earn more money.

I would like to answer some of the snot nosed comments you’ve had the pleasure of receiving on here.
In regards to the OP’s unplanned pregnancy, perhaps she can’t take contraception due to personal reasons/ side effects etc., perhaps the condom broke, or perhaps she simply didn’t want to have an abortion due to other personal reason like culture or spiritual beliefs all of which are none of anyones business as she did not ask for advice on these matters.
Regarding the OP’s lack of money to rent/ buy a property, did any of you ever stop to think she might live in an expensive city like London where people on good wages often struggle to pay rent? If her husband earns very little, then it really does not leave you much to save especially with the ongoing costs of a small baby. Universal credit is very little and to get onto council housing is a difficult and long winded process. She wouldn’t qualify for it anyway since her husband works and since she has somewhere to live currently, they would turn her away. How naive of the majority of you to think that you can just apply for housing benefits and have all of your financial problems solved.
And to those with the magical solution of leaving her husband to solve all her issues, please take a bow because you have managed to make me giggle for the first time in days! She has not even indicated that she wants to leave her husband in her post so why would anyone suggest that? So is that what we should all do when times are tough? Just dump our husbands and run off to a brand new life just because things aren’t going as planned? Honestly I’ve never heard such bull.

Anyway OP, I’m sorry you’ve had such horrible comments on here. What I would suggest is focus on you for now. You need to sort out your mental health, would you consider going to the gp and getting on a waiting list for a counsellor? There’s no way you can plan for the future until your mental health improves. Can you check if there’s a crisis line in your borough or try get in touch with Mind which is a mental health charity. Please get help and please try put up some boundaries with your in laws.

This link may help you, they can help with some of your mental health issues as well as other things like financial advice/ housing advice.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/getting-help-in-a-crisis/

How old are you op? Can I ask gently what’s happened that caused you both to be homeless like this and then have a baby? Or have you never had a home and always lived with your mums and dads?

you are making a choice not to work, you could work evenings or weekends,the consequences of this are the homelsss situation you are now in. Did you have a full time job before the baby , did you resign? How have you both squandered your house deposit in as little as two years?

are you both very young, teenagers maybe? And you fell pregant from school, and moved in to his parents, where he already lived with his mum and dad?

Have you actually checked if you’re entitled to any benefits? Even if you’re not eligible right now you may well be if you also have rent and childcare costs.

However, it sounds like DH really needs to step up and give you some answers regarding his finances.

Yep, shocks me how someone can show vulnerability and then get treated like this. Where do all these bullies hail from. Do they just wait for posts to pop up and pounce at their first chance?

This exactly!!

I had to live with DH’s parents for 3 months whilst we were moving house, the first few weeks were fine but then things got frosty and it’s understandable. All of us were treading on each other’s toes, we all had different routines that didn’t work with someone else’s routine. We had words and luckily nothing big came out of it!

At the end of the day you are in someone else’s house and you’ve changed their usual living life.

I couldn't by law leave here.

What does this even mean? Are you not in UK?

You can work out here if you’d get any UC. www.uceplus.co.uk/step1

So you don't even know what he's doing with the money?? Why don't you ensure you have access to his pay dockets and account? You shouldn't be in the dark, you should have full disclosure of everything.

The more you post about him, the more of a useless pos he comes across as. He is destroying your life and you have absolutely no idea what he is doing with your and his family money. You will never, ever, ever be out of your MILs house, your son will be a teenager and he will still be 'not much further'. This is the life you are choosing.

Wake up, he is worthless and he has you trapped, he has absolutely no intention of saving up and you know it. For goodness sake, leave him for your son's sake at least.

@Leanabelle

“I couldn't by law leave here”

What do you mean ? Are you in the U.K. ?

I assume she means she thought she couldn't legally move out during the pandemic.

I don't want to lose dp because of his parents or living circumstances

But if you chose to leave, surely it would be down to his own irresponsibility and apparent lack of sharing anything with you, rather than because of his parents?

U need to have a blow up with the in laws.be told they can't treat you like this.if they make u leave at least housing office will then have to house you.id they dongvthen they need to change and act accordingly.
No one should be made to feel like this from family especially.they cannot hold their house over your head.
Work with someone proffwsionaly to get your head and strength back.so your resilient.and able to let their shit was over you.
Stop putting up with it
" don't talk to me like that please"
" that's uncalled for and a lie please stop"
" if like to do this my way with dc pkeasr"
Stop letting them dictate.take some power back.
Do you have any family you can go stay with for even just a break.gwt your head back.
Could you afford a caravan park for a month even!