Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

[Leanabelle]

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

Yes!

I have a feeling that this thread hadn’t gone the way the Op hoped.

Far too many questions left unanswered…

Just going on what the OP says, I'm beginning to rather sorry for the MIL.

Her son's girlfriend moves herself in. There don't appear to be any moves to formalise the relationship. As far as I can tell from the limited posts the OP doesn't make any contribution, financial or practical, to the household and is outraged when she is expected to make a social contribution when the ILs are entertaining. The OP doesn't seem to make any effort to contribute financially in future, either by involving herself in where boyfriend's money goes, earning herself, or both.

Suddenly a baby is brought into the mix, whether this was planned or because the OP and the son were incapable of using sufficient contraception, or the MAP, having an abortion, or living elsewhere. Were the ILs asked if this was OK? It's hard dealing with a baby or small child as an older person.

There seems no escape for the MIL, from what's been dumped on her in her own home. The OP doesn't seem to be able to walk to the public transport that is plentiful in London. She won't entertain living anywhere but close to their families (although this is a luxury that few can manage) but won't make any effort to fund independent living in an expensive area.

And the OP seems to be miserable with this situation that is of her own making. So poor MIL is a) deemed wicked for asking that people should live the way that works for her if they want to be under her roof and b) has to put up with a miserable presence, who won't even bother to take herself off for long periods of the day to give everyone a break.

Bit harsh. Not all on the OP. The MIL won't let her precious man-baby son leave or go far.

That said, I think expecting people to change is pointless. God helps those who help themselves. OP appears to be paralysed by the possibility of change and thinks changing inlaws is easier but from experience - I have Asian inlaws- that is actually more difficult.

You were hoping for tips on how to try and get your mil to have a personality transplant. Because you thought that would be easier than sorting all this out.

Spot on. Nobody can change your MIL. You can only change your own behaviour and responses to her. This is going to be much easier if you are not being entirely financially supported by her! If that is not ever going to change because your boyfriend is choosing to spend £1900 on god knows what each month and you won’t get a job or leave him, you’re in for a shit life!

*Bit harsh. Not all on the OP. The MIL won't let her precious man-baby son leave or go far.

oh cmon now, It’s hardly the mils fault. I’m sure she’d let them leave in a heartbeat no matter how much the op feels her mere presence is an absolute gift and everyone needs them near and couldn’t cope with out them.

They are both too scared to leave. Likely for many reasons, very young, never lived independently, scared to go it alone with thr baby with no adult help, not able to manage their own money, thr op not working and no desire to work. Thr pair of them are fully intending staying there for years. The op moved in before she was even pregnant and has never left and we all know at no stage during lockdown were you denied going home.

im one hundred percent sure if the mother and father in law read what rhe ops being writing they’d not recognise most of it and put forward a very different story, likely one of what was then a troubled teen they let stay for a short period and has now turned into two years, a baby and an unemployed girlfriend and a very difficult situation they need to deal with.

I would work out the options on benefits as a single mum and plan that out. I’d tell dp I’m moving somewhere affordable with or without him. He is clearly paying something big off and maybe he has changed in his spending habits but if he is paying did silly debt that he incurred on his own, then he is expecting you to put up with the living circumstances because he won’t compromise location. Your entire life style is compromised because of his debts/whatever so he must compromise location.

you will have to look for work at some point. None of this I don’t want to work weekends as I won’t see him. Make some choices and own them. Keep your salary in your account (although contribute to your costs of course but not his debts/whatever until he recognises you should both be compromising, not just you.

No, it doesn't make any sense. There is no expensive borough of London where there is no public transport.

All of your posts are just complaining about your life while refusing to do anything at all about it. You won't get a job, you won't move, you won't do anything. So be miserable with the choices you have made and continue to make. You can blame noone but yourself.

Does your DP pay rent to his parents? Because if he does then why can't you get a place together and use that money to pay for it?

If hes not paying rent to his parents and you're living there free of charge, then why don't you have enough money to move out?

Something doesn't add up here. You shouldn't be living with your in-laws at this stage, especially with a young baby. They must be as sick of you as you are of them. You've outstayed your welcome but don't want to move out. So its no wonder some of the advice on here sounds harsh to you - because it's realistic and you don't want to listen.

You've taken up with a man who just stuck you in his parents house. So unfortunately this is the inevitable outcome. I dont think you can expect your in-laws to change for you, they're settled in their ways now. So just bite your tongue and be out of the house more I mean what else can you do if you're not moving out?

just another workshy individual, looking for validation. Millions manage on shit wages to live outside of the parents or in-laws house. Get a job.

Hi Leannabelle,

Firstly I wanted to say, please ignore some of the absolutely disgusting and nasty comments on here. I cannot believe how judgemental and nasty and downright clueless some posters are.

I have been in your same situation through no fault of our own (dangerous cladding on our flat meant we had to move and were facing tens of thousands in repairs). It was honestly unbearable and my mental health hugely suffered as a result. I also had a toddler in tow and was pregnant (unplanned despite religiously using contraception).
We both worked and have good jobs but even for us it was hard to save as we had to pay rent and bills to in laws as well as paying for bills not covered re our flat. It was harder than we had anticipated and we literally lived like peasants.
No one understands how hard it is in that situation and how hard it is just to even get through the day and out of bed when you're mental health is on the floor. It can be so hard to pull yourself out of the situation. So you have my full sympathy. It's bloody hard. Especially with over bearing in laws. Ours constantly criticised.
I guess all you can do is try and get out the house as much as possible. Reach out to friends, plan your days and try and come up and a measurable plan with your partner re how much you are able to save each week. If not then present yourself as homeless to the council who will have to house you.
Good luck