Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

[Leanabelle]

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

But how is his money and savings non existent if he works full time and lives with his parents? Where does it all go?

No, she may not have a say on how the house is run etc., but that does not mean she deserves to be abused. Do stay at home mums deserve to be abused, as they don’t work/pay rent?

The only thing I can suggest is you access therapy to help you even just talk to someone regularly because it's clear this is not going to change and if you have nowhere to go you are going to need a lot of mental health help.

Is your partner standing up for you?

Couples therapy might be beneficial. You need to be a team. It shouldn't be causing relationship problems because he should be fully supporting and protecting you. So that needs to start happening.

@DixonD

Ofncourse she doesn’t deserve to be abused, no one thinks that. It’s just that the MIL will do what she wants regardless and she has no control over that.

I understand you don't want to out yourself, OP, but you could say "We're paying off debt", "His family demand all his money" or whatever without giving further details and that would help everyone to advise you

His wages must be going somewhere, so until you deal with the real situation you can't really make any plans - and sadly his family's unlikely to change

Could you perhaps get a job for the hours when DP isn't working and use the money for a nest egg (for just yourself if necessary)?

Does your DP want to move to a place of your own? Or is he happily settled where you are?

If he wants to move out, then how does he plan for that to happen? Where does all his wages go? Does he give the majority to his DP?

I worked in the evenings to get some money, no paid childcare involved. My then husband took on a 2nd job.
I know this sounds harsh, but you need to help yourself. If you pay rent you could get help via UC.

@MintIceCream1 with all due respect, you have no idea what you are talking about. You have no idea why we have no money or why it's taking so long to save up. But all I can say is I have nothing to do with. I had savings that have gone because I've had to use them on our family unit whilst dp focused his money else where. I have sacrificed left right and centre. We had a deposit money and it went all down the drain. Mil knows we are here due to her OWN sons irresponsible behaviour with money. I do ALOT for her and trust me when I say she is not hard done by having my company and help.

@Jeschara i generally having no energy during the evening due to wake up to dc. But I could try. In terms of benefits to help with rent would we still be eligible even with dp working ft?

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Most other adults manage it so...

I'm disabled and unable to work long term, live independently. Somehow save/borrow (from family etc) a deposit and then rent. If you have no/little money, you'll be entitled to the housing element of Universal Credit to cover your rent from then on.

So basically the problem here is that your 'D'P is a loser who is pissing his money away.

Take a weekend and evening job. Save up some money. Then move out on your own. That's the only thing that's going to help.

OK. So more detail is useful. You are trapped in an expensive borough so childcare options are out. Your parents in law are not reliable but you are enmeshed with them. They can't/ won't look after your child.
Your husband made a commitment he could not/ did not keep.
So.

1. You start working at weekends/ evenings so your husband does childcare.


2. You work out WHERE EXACTLY is your husbands income going. You are mot paying childcare, you are not paying rent or maybe even bills? Where is the money then?


3. You start to look at moving - funded by your work and move to an area where childcare is less expensive and you start there.


4. You really start to think about if you want to be with a man who, as the sole earner, has put you in this position.

You need to move, then you dont have childcare or PIL isue but I think you will probably still have a husband issue.
If you can earn more than him then do and let him work part time.
I know people are seeing you as feckless etc but yo have to be proactive in sorting this out.

Has your partner addressed whatever it was that was causing him to spend all the money? Gambling or drugs or whatever it was. I'm not asking you to say what he's been spending it on but is it an active problem or a historical one?

I'm not going to add to the flaming here, I do feel sorry for the situation you are in. You say your dp has been so irresponsible with money. You are tied to him and his situation. Have you thought about leaving and trying to do this on your own. Have you looked into what you're entitled to on your own? It seems like your dp has alot to answer for this situation you're in.

This. Where is the money going? If your partner has a gambling problem, then that is a huge issue. If he has debts, say so-it’s pertinent here. If he has debts, when will they be paid off?

but really no magic Mumsnet tips are going to make your life better-you need to leave and you won’t. Your posts are full of excuses and no useful information to give people so people can’t help.

I couldn’t live with my mother in law-we would both hate it-nothing anyone said could make that work for longer than a weekend. It just wouldn’t. I’d rather take the kids and live in a hostel.

In terms of benefits to help with rent would we still be eligible even with dp working ft?

It'd depend how much he earns, but probably if his job is low paid.

As one of you is working full time you could certainly live like grown ups as others do.

And yes, I think you do have to sacrifice your family weekends if not sacrificing them means you have to stay there for years longer than you would have to if you sacrificed them.

@IncompleteSenten I have counselling starting next week actually. Dp said I should unload my issues I brought up here then.

Dp does have the occasional "talks" with his parents but they are so hard headed and have the stance that since its their house they don't have to be the ones to change. They listen but don't take anything on board. Things carry on despite the rain checks. Despite dp standing up for our relationship and me it's inevitably putting a strain on our relationship.

He consistently feels that he is being placed in the middle and its causing him immense stress and panic attacks. So I try to act like everything is okay until I can't anymore and breakdown. I try not to put him in between a rock and a hard place but I can't keep constantly letting everything slide when it's getting worse and it's crushing me.

I don't want to lose dp because of his parents or living circumstances but I really feel like it's already putting us under so much pressure. I just don't know anymore.

@Leanabelle it sounds like an awful, untenable situation.

A. Your OH needs to step up (massively) and support you. He needs to tell his DPs to keep out and treat you with respect and put boundaries in place. The fact that this has been carrying on for 2 YEARS, i doubt this will happen

B. You need to do the above if your OH won't / can't. If he isn't doing this - literally why are you with him?

C. You leave - I know you 'don't want to hear this' but if your life and mental health is so shit, why stay?

Unless you tell us about your financial situation I don't think we can help.

Go to the citizens advice bureau, if you cannot afford to live on one persons full time wage with no outgoings something doesn’t add up

If all your partner’s earnings and all the savings have been squandered (gambling??) then you’ll never escape until you can put your own money aside. This may mean working opposite shifts and having your own bank account. Put your name down for social housing, even if it takes years you’ve made a start.

There must be things you're not telling us, because the situation doesn't make a lot of sense. But I'm sorry that you're struggling, OP.

Practicalities:

• Contact the Council's Housing Team to see what they can do.


• See the GP about your own mental health.


• Ask Health Visitor/Social Services about support for you and the babe.


• Are you using reliable contraception? Do not risk being pregnant without a home again.

If any part of your situation is a result of coercion by DP or his family, please seek help, as you are being abused.

I'm so glad you are getting help. You need it before you break completely. This is going to affect you for years.
He shouldn't be 'between a rock and a hard place'. He should be your rock.

It sounds like it's his fault you're suffering this. The least he can do is consistently have your back.

because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live

Of course; because it's HER HOUSE so you are expected to fit in with THEIR WAYS.

Why did you have a baby in her household that you hate so much?

@IncompleteSenten the money situation is a work in progress. But I don't know how much progress dp is making. Everytime I check in on him he seems to not be moving as further ahead than I thought he would be. Obviously it's hard when there are everyday things to pay for.