Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

[Leanabelle]

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

If you don’t make any changes, nothing will change. You’ve shot down every single suggestion. You need to look at the long term and push yourself now to improve your future.

OP, why don't YOU try the benefit calculator thing, put in the cost of a 2 bed flat locally, DP's earnings and your outgoings. See if you would actually qualify for some help. If you live in a very expensive outer London area (and some parts of Barnet, Pinner, etc could possibly be described as "rural"), the local housing allowance will theoretically be a bit more generous.

Your DP isn't really helping you. Even if you don't want to leave him, it would boost your confidence to have a bit more independence and be able to do things for yourself. Can you drive?

I did a quick calculation, based on my own area in rhe south east close t9 London. Two twenty two year olds (as you’ve not said age, ) and one kid, family on 23k a year and you’d be entitled to jist over 1100 a month housing benefit as a private tenant and another 200 a month in other benefits.

so I’m not sure what rhe pair of you are doing really…but it reads like you are both, and I mean both, too scared to leave your parents.

But the problem is, they can’t move out because the boyfriend’s £1900 a month is already being spent on something that the OP is refusing to tell us. She won’t say what it is or how long he has to pay all of his wages over for.

It does seem to me that when people suggest you move out, you live in the most expensive borough in the country (which is unquestionably Central London), and when you want to justify the expense of a car, you're suddenly rural. When people suggest your ILs watch your DC so you can work, they're far too infirm for any such thing, and when people suggest you move, you can't possibly leave family help.

You don't actually want to change anything, so you've made your choices. You'd rather live with your MIL than grow up. Good luck.

I've tried nothing and nothing works!

OP, will there be a time when your DP no longer has these financial commitments? If so, when will that be?

If he's always going to be paying this huge sum every month, then you have a big decision to make.

Gettjng a job in the evenings is a really good idea. You need to do something to get yourselves out of this. Your mil is far too involvèd, this situation suits her and she will say what she needs to say to keep things as they are. She is undermining your DP's confidence , making out he can't survive in the real world. You can relieve the financial pressure by working, get some money together and then make a plan for your future. Yes you will see less of DP but sometimes needs must - it will be better than this misery once you can afford your own place.

I think it’s debt they have.

ultimately neither of them want to cut the apron strings yet, so I’m not sure what this is all about. The op is trying to blame her boyfriend, fudging a lot of the details, but in reality is coming up with lots of excuses not to leave that parental support network,, she basically just stays home with his parents all day every day, is throwing a teenage strop about being told what to do, but is too scared to not be being looked after by them.

I’m guessing he is gambling. Your savings and deposit gone, his ‘expenses’ each month. No where in central London is rural.

Your child needs you to sort this out. The situation will get worse when they try to discipline him and bring him how you don’t want them too. Stop thinking about everyone else and put your child first. You keep saying you won’t leave dp but maybe leaving him and getting a place in your own will give him the kick up the bum he needs. Financially you would be so much better off.

So you live in an expensive London borough, that has no public transport? That’s also rural?

you moved in 2 years ago after your home was sold or maybe demolished.

Your partner has debt so sizeable that 2 years of spending almost his entire wage on them and burning through your savings hasn’t made a dent. At all.

You hate where you live and mil is damaging your MH, but you haven’t looked at how you can get out. You didn’t look at benefits yourself? Decided you didn’t want to work weekends, have no idea of a timeline on when the debt will be paid or where his money goes.

It really does seem like you don’t want to move out. You were hoping for tips on how to try and get your mil to have a personality transplant. Because you thought that would be easier than sorting all this out. I think you will turn round in a few years and believe your life was stolen by these people, but you have to remember that you are actively making choices here. You are choosing to remain in this life, you claim to hate.

I don’t think she needs to leave her boyfriend, I think she needs to take personal responsibility for her choices, not blame everyone else. And honestly. Grow up. Not just play at being a grown up and pretending, but actually grow up.

It’s everyone else’s fault apart from the ops. Who doesn’t work or earn a penny as apparently she wants to see her partner when he’s not working, earns nothing, doesn’t even know the benefits they are entitled to and stays home with his mum every day, being fully supported and refusing to leave.

all the op wants is all that she can do all that and not be told she’s She should treat her boyfriend better “when they are going through struggles” , which apparently her behaviour to him is due to her upbringing. She doesn’t want t9 be told what to do, but wants everyone to provide for her.she doesn’t want his family to think she’s a “mess” she wants to be supported without comment.

Where on earth in London doesn’t have any public transport?

Oh, must be one of those really rural bits 😂

OP what is your current earning potential? As you really want to stay together I think you need to reconsider getting an evening or weekend job. Not only would it bring in income but it would give you something for you.

If that's not an option could you earn more than DP? He could be the SAHP and you work full time?

I think OP was up for a good old bit of MIL bashing.

You live in a “rural” part of London that doesn’t have public transport?! Literally makes no sense. Something doesn’t add up here.

I actually love both London and the countryside so am very keen to find out where this magical place is!

Same, sounds like a great place to live! Rural London.

Expensive though. Apparently.

FTR, the most expensive borough in London and almost certainly the country is K&C, and I think it's safe to say that it's been called many things but never "rural".

'You just can't get the buses underground any more', grumbled Madame Cholet. 'Wimbledon's as cut off as Outer Mongolia since that Sadiq Khan slashed the subterranean mole-sleigh budget.'

Barnet is an eye-wateringly expensive bit of outer London, and has a lot of what I would call rural-ish areas - Arkley, Hadley, Totteridge, Mill Hill. Its also got The Bishops Avenue in East Finchley, which at one point was one of the most expensive areas in London but has slipped a bit! But in all those areas, there is public transport. It might not be amazingly regular, but it exists.

I think I'm out, sorry.

I know it all sounds like excuses and it should all be black and white but it just isn't that simple
Yeah, it kinda is. You stay and remain miserable, or you leave. There is nothing anyone can do to make your home life more tolerable.

Its not just my life I'd be affecting here. It would be dp his parents my parents my child
Isn't your child the most important one here? Why would you choose misery knowing it will affect your child? You don't think your unhappiness is going to affect your ability to parent? Your child will FEEL it.

This is your life now OP. I don't think you truly understand that. You need external help to make it work because nothing is going to change 🤷‍♀️

I'm a country girl (proper mud, hay, horse and tractor). I have spent much of my adult life very close to Wimbledon Common/Village and even lived there for a bit. It is not rural. Even the dog walkers are rather smart.