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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does anyone ever regret having their baby or children

220 replies

emmie847 · 18/05/2022 09:59

In 2 minds about having children just want to know if yous ever have these thoughts

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 18/05/2022 20:48

Loads of people do. If you read on here regularly every second week there is a post about regretting kids, or wanting a different life. So whilst people might not admit to it in real life plenty do on mumsnet.

For my tuppence worth I don't regret it, I have 3 and whilst it's taken a toll on me physically would do it again in a heartbeat. However I have a supportive dh who is an equal partner, none of this I work full time so can't possibly take care of the baby when I get in or do the dishes over here. I wouldn't have settled for anything less and we discussed this before having kids, if he had been a lazy arse before I wouldn't have stayed with him much less procreate. He understands how important my work is to me and facilitates it by wfh previously and now compressing his hours so he can have baby whilst I'm at work. I have a professional job that pays well, even though I will be working 16 hours it is still more than worth my while to work. I enjoy my job but am happy with the work life balance I have, I wouldn't have wanted this earlier on in my career and purposefully worked full time prior to kids. He does night shifts with ours when they would wake as babies so I could sleep and shares the load.

I knew there would be difficult bits like the sleep deprivation, potential colic etc and appreciated there would be mundane bits so that didn't come as a shock to me. Those no point complaining about hating changing nappies for example, they can't change them themselves, it shouldn't come as a shock and really nobody enjoys it.

You have to adjust your expectations so holidays might be to child friendly places, might take a little planning etc. I think the main issues come from if you don't have a partner who does 50:50 so your plate gets overloaded and you don't adjust your expectations. It isn't all enjoyable or sunshine or rainbows. It can be hard, really take its toll but on the whole I love it.

Meadowland · 18/05/2022 20:49

Don't regret having my DS, but SO pleased I stopped at one.
See other parents with 2 and more and that is not the life for me.

AnOldCynic · 18/05/2022 20:53

KyaClark · 18/05/2022 10:15

If I had known what it was truly like, I wouldn't have had them.

Yup.

1nsertusername · 18/05/2022 20:59

Crocsandshocks · 18/05/2022 20:38

@1nsertusername but surely your flying all over the world had a large carbon footprint?

I could fly around the world many times whilst throwing plastic into the air but will still have a much lower carbon footprint than anyone in the western world who has children.

Sunnytwobridges · 18/05/2022 21:00

Lanareyrey · 18/05/2022 10:21

If I had my time again I wouldn’t have had them.

This. I love her but I wouldn’t choose to go this route again if I had the chance.

User48751490 · 18/05/2022 21:06

Crocsandshocks · 18/05/2022 20:38

@1nsertusername but surely your flying all over the world had a large carbon footprint?

Yep rumbled!🤣

Worldwide2 · 18/05/2022 21:08

No definitely not. I love having my children and actually wish I could have more but I don't think that's going to happen. If I had my time again I wouldnt change a thing. I do know people who have massively regretted their children and are quite vocal about it.
My only advice is that I always wanted them 100% I was never unsure wether I would regret it. Never had those thoughts so maybe you would? Maybe it's your guts not to do it?

Crocsandshocks · 18/05/2022 21:15

I could fly around the world many times whilst throwing plastic into the air but will still have a much lower carbon footprint than anyone in the western world who has children

It really depends on lifestyle doesn't it. Have you ever done a carbon calculation of your high flying lifestyle? You may be surprised.

collieresponder88 · 18/05/2022 21:20

If I'd know how hard it is for them to afford somewhere to live and how unstable the world has become with war etc I wouldn't have had them

1nsertusername · 18/05/2022 21:27

User48751490 · 18/05/2022 21:06

Yep rumbled!🤣

Rumbled how?

So many people cant face that their children's quality of life will be lower than theirs, regardless of how many paper straws they use.

I fully get why people want and desire children,I do,but I also respect that future adult, and i couldnt look them in the eye and explain why i brought them into the current world.

Children bring so much joy and for some their meaning to life. But I couldnt do this to another person.

I respect anyones choice to have children but I know I would regret having them because of the future world they will inherit.

TypicallyTopically · 18/05/2022 21:49

Mumsnet makes me feel guilty he's an only child😐

Delinathe · 18/05/2022 22:03

I could fly around the world many times whilst throwing plastic into the air but will still have a much lower carbon footprint than anyone in the western world who has children

Yeah, it's not a get out of jail free card. Some personal responsibility still required for your actions in other areas of life.

Some of us still have to have to have children, or who will be your doctors/ carers/ nurses/ bus drivers in your old age and at the end of your life?

I have grown up my whole life concerned with climate doom, meat free and carless decades before the common obsession with climate, but I still feel very sorry for those who have so little hope for the future that they feel it was not worth bringing their children into the world. (Not 'childfree by choice' folks, obv that's different, though I do find the moral high horsing about it even more annoying than the much-maligned vegans.)

fossilsmorefossils · 18/05/2022 22:08

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 18/05/2022 13:03

I think as hard as it can be raising and having children it would be an awful life without them.
I'm shocked at how rude and unkind people are being towards those without kids on this thread. I think its totally unprovoked and uncalled for.
'An awful life'. God is that how some people must view my existence?

Maybe the poster worded it wrong and meant their own life? I had 7 years of fertility treatments and was very depressed about being childless. If I wouldn't have had DD I would have found my life awful and I would have considered suicide (I was already considering it).

Having said that, I have a friend who is on the fence about having children and I hope she chooses to stay childfree. Honestly, in her case I think she'll be happier and have a more fulfilling life without children. Her interests and priorities are simply different from mine. We all have different interests and passions in life, and someones awful vould be someone elses dream.

I don't see a childless life as awful, as long as it was someones choice, because I can think of many things to do with a life that you can't reaiistically do well while parenting. But a childless life would have been awful FOR ME.

TheSeldomSeenKid · 18/05/2022 22:10

I never wanted children, I fell in love with a man that did.
I’m SO glad I had them and can’t believe I nearly missed out on becoming a Mum.
it’s hard but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

CounsellorTroi · 18/05/2022 22:18

If you have children it's not just your own carbon footprint you are responsible for, it's theirs and their descendents. So for one couple having two children, it could be four grandchildren, eight grandchildren, 16 great grandchildren and so on. For people who don't have children their carbon footprint stops growing when they die.

Tandora · 18/05/2022 22:19

Having children has caused me more stress and heartache than I ever anticipated, but it’s also brought me utter bliss and fulfilment. If I could go back, would I chose not to have them? No way. I wish I could have them- the same amazing kids - in diff circumstances though 🥲

CounsellorTroi · 18/05/2022 22:24

I don't see a childless life as awful, as long as it was someones choice, because I can think of many things to do with a life that you can't reaiistically do well while parenting. But a childless life would have been awful FOR ME.

It's not an awful life even if it is not your choice. I am at peace with it, as long as people aren't telling me my life is awful. I have a great life.

PermanentlyTired03 · 18/05/2022 22:33

Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. I have a supportive husband and I have a supportive employer. I wouldn't say I regret having a baby as she's just lovely and funny in so many ways but I miss not being exhausted all the time and not having a much more disposal income. I also think my marriage has changed- not necessarily for the better- after having a baby. Dont regret- just really fucking miss the ease of the child free existence in comparison.

1nsertusername · 18/05/2022 23:45

Delinathe · 18/05/2022 22:03

I could fly around the world many times whilst throwing plastic into the air but will still have a much lower carbon footprint than anyone in the western world who has children

Yeah, it's not a get out of jail free card. Some personal responsibility still required for your actions in other areas of life.

Some of us still have to have to have children, or who will be your doctors/ carers/ nurses/ bus drivers in your old age and at the end of your life?

I have grown up my whole life concerned with climate doom, meat free and carless decades before the common obsession with climate, but I still feel very sorry for those who have so little hope for the future that they feel it was not worth bringing their children into the world. (Not 'childfree by choice' folks, obv that's different, though I do find the moral high horsing about it even more annoying than the much-maligned vegans.)

I dont have a get out of jail free card,and I actually spent time and money on environmental issues for the future,but its bleak on the ground and I have lost hope tbh.

I have worked in conservation and own a large chunk of wilderness,as well as spending time in war zones so my view point is not from ignorance.

Carbon footprints wont matter when the world has lost its bio diversity and habitats.

We will be left with monoculture and species only alive in zoos. I wouldn't want to live in a world like that,why would I put a child/adult through it?

Life can be full and joyful with or without children. I dont need children to give me purpose and happiness.

BobbinHood · 19/05/2022 17:26

TypicallyTopically · 18/05/2022 21:49

Mumsnet makes me feel guilty he's an only child😐

I feel this sometimes but on balance Mumsnet makes me feel seriously relieved we’ve had one child - for my sake and DC’s. It’s a reminder (not that I needed one) that relationships with siblings as children or as adults aren’t necessarily a positive thing in someone’s life. If I start to feel guilty then I stop, breathe and remember that sometimes being one of 3 was pretty shit, actually. And I know plenty of mothers struggling with 2+ who didn’t have the same struggles with 1. Balances out the “but they’re just best friends!” stuff.

PleaseYourselfandEatTheCrusts · 19/05/2022 19:41

I remember when I went to college at 16, another student aged 36, always said she regretted her 4 children.

again2020 · 19/05/2022 20:25

Yes, sometimes. Definitely in the first year or two, post partum psychosis here. I don't think I'm a particularly good mum. I have lots of energy and can be fun but I'm also an introvert and stresshead and having DD has turned me into a hysterical banshee. I'm ashamed sometimes.
I try my best for her but it's so hard. She needs running around like a dog 😂 she's never still and doesn't sleep well.
It doesn’t help that her dad is at best useless, my parents aren't interested and I have had IL problems.
People never say it IRL and I'm glad mumsnet exists as I have no one to talk to.
I see women with 2 or 3 kids absolutely aceing it and I just don't know how they do it.

karencummings9 · 19/05/2022 20:40

I really regret my children, all 9 of them as they are ugly rude little whippersnappers

shivawn · 19/05/2022 20:45

No not me, I love my family and being a mum! It's only added to my life. I spent all of my 20's not sure I ever wanted to have kids but here I am.

whoruntheworldgirls · 19/05/2022 20:47

God no, my daughter is my world, she's bloody awesome, sweet, funny, caring, smart.
If i knew i could get another like her I'd have another for sure.

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