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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m sick of the way my kids talk to me

184 replies

tinnedpears · 18/05/2022 09:20

Getting ready for school this morning. I’m used to them yanking my chain, but this is getting ridiculous now. PE kit astray, no time to find it after woes sorting out social media accounts that I patiently helped with (yes really!) and was ordered to write a note for lost kit that I then did (yes really) me and my 14 and 13 year old got in the car. 14 year old then told me ‘could you chew your chewing gum with your mouth closed please’.

I lost my shit.

It was a controlled kind of shit losing, but it involved ‘explaining’ to them in no uncertain terms that they wouldn’t talk to their teacher like that, they failed to understand why, I explained that that was because there was a thing called hierarchy. They said that because he had said please that that was ok. I said that no, it was insubordination and I was sick of being told what to do and they are never, ever to tell me what todo ever again. Happens all the time. Never do it to their dad.

14 year old has an exam today and 13 yo dd spat venom at me saying I should be ashamed of myself as he would be upset today and unable todo well in his exam. even though as he left I wished him luck, said I loved him and would be thinking of him, and he need only try his best.

he is a lovely boy, but is getting too big for his boots and it’s got to stop but was I BU?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 18/05/2022 09:22

I guess there's more to it than this but I think your 14 year old's request was polite and reasonable to be honest!

WhatIsThisPlease · 18/05/2022 09:24

Tbh, if you were chewing gum with your mouth open then you deserve to be pulled up on it. It sounds like they asked you in a polite way?

phishy · 18/05/2022 09:24

YANBU, if they don't behave this way with their dad then it does sound like they are testing to see how much control they have.

Well done for calling them out.

Bonheurdupasse · 18/05/2022 09:25

If they would never do it to their dad then the fact is that they view you as a "service human" to them OP. They don't respect you as a person.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2022 09:25

Insubordination? Are you running a military school? Sorry, but you handled this very poorly.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 18/05/2022 09:25

Mum strike! Exams or not

Actually, especially with exams. Your kids have lost their sense of place and for the one with exams he doesn't need to be freewheeling through vaurous teen emotions just now - the 14 year old need to be reined in for his sake too!

So mum strike. Lost something? Look where you left it, explain to teacher you couldn't remember, take your pinishment - or keep better track of things. SM problem? Even easier, come off SM., you're too young anyway.

Lift to school? Shut up, speak not, ctiticise not. Mum is driving you, she could put you out part way and make you walk!

Manners and politieness. Lack of them can cost you dear!

phishy · 18/05/2022 09:25

WhatIsThisPlease · 18/05/2022 09:24

Tbh, if you were chewing gum with your mouth open then you deserve to be pulled up on it. It sounds like they asked you in a polite way?

OP was driving, not at the dinner table, she can chew her gum open mouthed if she wants to.

ouch12345 · 18/05/2022 09:25

I would have lost my shit too. Don't beat yourself up over it!

phishy · 18/05/2022 09:26

Bonheurdupasse · 18/05/2022 09:25

If they would never do it to their dad then the fact is that they view you as a "service human" to them OP. They don't respect you as a person.

Exactly.

But it seems some posters are perfectly ok with that here Hmm

Owwlie · 18/05/2022 09:28

Well the chewing gum request was reasonable, I’d hate hearing that. The issue is that you let them tell you to write a note for PE (just say no, you can’t find it and end up with detention, that’s a natural consequence. Be more organised next time) and let them faff about with social media before school. Tell them off for the things that actually matter. They’re telling you what to do because you let them.

Testina · 18/05/2022 09:31

13 and 14 and they haven’t sorted out a system for where there PE kit and having it ready?
I sure as hell wouldn’t be writing a note for that 🤷🏻‍♀️
Does that even make a difference at their school? A verbal “don’t have it miss” would lead to the same detention a parent note that it was “lost”.

But school reaction aside: don’t write a note for that. As PP said, you’ve made yourself “service human” - you are not there to get their PE kit out for them!

Chewing gum with your mouth open is grim. I don’t see an issue with that comment on its own, only the wider context.

Sit them down tonight. Tell them it’s important enough a topic to return to, that you won’t be writing pathetic notes or organising their PE kits - and they need to keep a civil tongue in their heads.

CheapFoodShits · 18/05/2022 09:35

From the information you've provided, YABU. Imagine having a go at your child for asking you politely to have some manners. Chewing gum (or any food) with your mouth open is gross.
And you should have made sure they had everything ready for school last night. 14 year olds still need parenting.
The whole "hierarchy" spiel is unnerving. Teaching your kids that you can speak to them however you want but they can't even voice an issue they have with your behaviour is just wrong. Whenever people use the word "insubordination" when speaking to their children, it always conjures up images of an overly strict, almost a bully, of a parent in my mind.

takealettermsjones · 18/05/2022 09:35

it seems some posters are perfectly ok with that here

Okay, but given the OP's references to "hierarchy" and "insubordination" I'm guessing that she's modelling this type of speaking to her kids - i.e. demanding things from them rather than asking. Now she's told them that they're never allowed to tell her what to do ever again - but the 14 year old simply asked her not to do something that a lot of people would find uncomfortable to listen to. So she's basically saying their age and/or "rank" in the family means they're never allowed to question her. It doesn't sound like there's an awful lot of mutual respect going around here.

But of course, as I said previously, I'm guessing there is more back story!

Triffid1 · 18/05/2022 09:38

You fell into the "straw that broke the camel's back" trap. I do this too and I always kick myself afterwards. It's when there are lots of annoying things that you genuinely have every right to be irritated by but you suck it up. And then you explode over something minor or not appropriate, immediately losing the high ground.

Which his what happened here. Politely being asked not to chew gum with mouth open is perfectly reasonable. Losing it on day DC has an exam is also not okay. But the problem started much earlier. The request to help with social media should have been ignored until all other tasks and preparations were done. PE kit - if it's DC's responsibility to track and manage it, then no, there's no need for a note. Certainly not at the last minute.

DS has started using this very sarcastic tone with me which I sort of ignored until I got v cross and lost the plot. Not okay. But now I'm trying to be more mindful of when he does it so that when he does I can pull him up on it calmly every time.

Squealier · 18/05/2022 09:38

I think you picked the wrong battle here OP. The chewing gum comment was rude but I can also see how the kids might think your reaction was overly harsh. I'd step back, do less for them, get less wound up and pick the really important battles.

Triffid1 · 18/05/2022 09:39

Also, I'm not sure that "hierarchy" is a concept that really works with a bunch of teens. Sure, you're the one who makes decisions - eg pocket money, treats, days out - but that doesn't mean they need to be tugging their forelocks.

Philisophigal · 18/05/2022 09:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Isaidnoalready · 18/05/2022 09:42

At 14 the exam probably isn't life changing tbh

People even children need to learn one exam does not mean you can treat someone like shit it just means you have an exam

Ntsure · 18/05/2022 09:44

hierarchy Is a really weird choice of word. I’d go for mutual respect not hierarchy. Explaining that they shouldn’t treat you or anyone badly and should have respect for you because you are human with feelings and as a family everyone should treat each other kindly, will go down a lot better than “don’t speak to me like that because I am above you” which will just make them dislike you and lose respect for you.

thetemptationofchocolate · 18/05/2022 09:52

I think teens do see hierarchy as a thing. I worked for a long time in a secondary school and observed this in action.
It was mostly older boys who did this; they would be respectful to male teachers, less so to female teachers, and vile to support staff. Some of the older girls were a bit like it too, but not as consistently.

Original poster
tinnedpears · 18/05/2022 09:53

It’s definitely the straw that broke the camel’s back. I get treated like a second class person in the house all the time. My daughter in particular never listens to a word i say and whilst being lovely and everyone loves her, is just nasty to me and jumps down my throat all the time. Literally all the time. I can’t ask her to do anything so I don’t even bother. My ds is different, but is changing now and this morning was an example of me being caring, attentive, making sure he had everything he needed and he just was just really horrible to me. He is going out of his way to pick on me and criticise me. It’s not my imagination, my dh has noticed and has had a word but it’s made little difference.

OP posts:
NotQuiteUsual · 18/05/2022 09:54

I dunno, they're treating her like a skivvy. Why shouldn't she pull them up hierarchy and insubordination. There is a hierarchy in a family, there should be respect towards your mother and that respect should be different from a mother's respect towards her children.

The only issue is you lost it over something tiny because it was the last straw. There needs to be a conversation with them tonight about it. You can explain you were in the wrong with that one thing, but here's where they're in the wrong. Honestly I find if you admit a mistake before correcting theirs it sets the tone better anyway. They're less defensive when you've already admitted fault.

NoGoodUsernamee · 18/05/2022 09:56

YANBU OP, it does sound like they’re not respecting you which must be so infuriating given they respect your husband and you probably do/sacrifice more for them.

If my mum was chewing gum loudly you know what I’d say? Nothing. Because I wouldn’t want to embarrass/upset her, because I respect her. I think you handled it very well, i probably would of not had such self control!

Aprilx · 18/05/2022 09:56

I think chewing gum is pretty awful anyway but chewing it with your mouth open is disgusting and would be unbearable for most people. You were asked politely to stop, I’d actually let that one go.

But putting that to one side, if they wouldn’t speak to their father as they do to you, or a teacher, then yes there is a lack of respect that needs addressing here. (I think your gum example was a really and one though, sorry).

CanofCant · 18/05/2022 09:57

Rightly or wrongly if we had done this my mum would have pulled over and made us walk to school.

It's not brilliant that they respect their dad but treat you like this. I agree with this advice from Squealier

I'd step back, do less for them, get less wound up and pick the really important battles.

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