I’m sick of the way my kids talk to me

[tinnedpears]

Getting ready for school this morning. I’m used to them yanking my chain, but this is getting ridiculous now. PE kit astray, no time to find it after woes sorting out social media accounts that I patiently helped with (yes really!) and was ordered to write a note for lost kit that I then did (yes really) me and my 14 and 13 year old got in the car. 14 year old then told me ‘could you chew your chewing gum with your mouth closed please’.

I lost my shit.

It was a controlled kind of shit losing, but it involved ‘explaining’ to them in no uncertain terms that they wouldn’t talk to their teacher like that, they failed to understand why, I explained that that was because there was a thing called hierarchy. They said that because he had said please that that was ok. I said that no, it was insubordination and I was sick of being told what to do and they are never, ever to tell me what todo ever again. Happens all the time. Never do it to their dad.

14 year old has an exam today and 13 yo dd spat venom at me saying I should be ashamed of myself as he would be upset today and unable todo well in his exam. even though as he left I wished him luck, said I loved him and would be thinking of him, and he need only try his best.

he is a lovely boy, but is getting too big for his boots and it’s got to stop but was I BU?

Oh sorry Op but the 14yo was right to ask you to chew with your mouth closed 😬
I think it was an exaggerated reaction from you but this happens when we run on little sleep etc.
I would apologise to my DC for my behaviour after school

14 year old then told me ‘could you chew your chewing gum with your mouth closed please’.

Why are posters assuming this was "politely"? Because of the please? You do realise this can be said with a sarky, shitty tone? I have a teen and I can well imagine the tone it was delivered in.

When do you give pocket money? I would be waiting until that day/time and then saying that you have 'lost' your purse and it won't be found until they have 'found' their manners. You have made a start so you either keep going, push harder for respect or you bow down and apologise for chewing your own gum in your own car. When they have bought their own cars they can decide on the manners of the people in the car. Until then, the driver sets the rules.

All of this

I think you did well not to chuck them out the car and make them walk. I would have. Fuck that shit. But I've never let my dc think I'm a fucking household appliance there to cater to them.

My ds is 14 in yr 10. I'm teaching him where the line is as he doesn't know. We watch Adam Sandler films everytime he goes over the line and I pause the film and discuss where the line is each time he goes over the line. But he'd never do that sort of shit to me that your dc have pulled. He was in school yesterday and was messing about with a boy and it went too far, the boy punched and winded my ds, all his friends were telling him to "bang out" the other boy. But he stepped back and said nah my mum would kill me if I got excluded. He knows where the boundaries are in lots of ways and having to watch Adam Sandler films and discuss where the line is when he goes over is a great 'punishment' 😂

For me, people chewing with their mouth open (and the noise it makes) drives me mad.

Add to that having an exam that day that probably made him nervous, and I can absolutely see why your son requested you to stop chewing like that.. it was probably winding him up massively, and at least he asked you politely.

This sounds like very standard family bickering to me, and absolutely not like a teenager treating his mother like dirt. A firm 'Er, I will chew my gum how I like in my own car, thank you very much - you can walk next time if it's a problem' would have been perfectly adequate. No need to blow your top over something that trivial and start going on about 'insubordination' as if you're leading a platoon into battle.

FWIW, people chewing gum loudly or with their mouth open absolutely drives me insane and has done since I was a child, so if I was already stressed about exams and having a shit morning, I'd probably have said something too.

Adolescence is an unpleasant stage, where children argue with parents on any pretext, as they try to establish their independence and adult persona, while still retaining their childish unreasonableness.
However, if you have established a good relationship and insisted on their respect while younger, it is easier to negotiate.
It sounds as though yours do not respect you and have always regarded you as a skivvy or member of household staff, while only respecting their father.

You need to sit them down and explain that 1)respect goes both ways
2) you will no longer be their domestic servant
3) they are responsible for their own PE kit, laundry, cleaning bedrooms, and homework.
4) If they wish to be respected as young adults, they must behave accordingly.

You need to respect yourself in order for others to respect you, OP. Stop people pleasing, stop running round after your DC, cultivate an air of authority. You need to reverse years of being taken for granted, but it can be done. You will end up with a much better relationship with your DC than the current contempt in which they hold you. Good luck!

Exactly. I wouldn't tolerate this from my 6yo. There needs to be consequences. Should have made him walk to school.

Sounds like teenagers being teenagers to me.

The hierarchy explanation is weird though. I taught for fifteen years and would have never imagined myself above the children. And I don't imagine myself above my own kids now. Odd.

Mumsnet is ok with teens and kids being totally disrespectful in the name of ‘agency’ and ‘mutual respect’ and all the other shite people spout. It’s also the home of people who think 16 yos are small children, shouldn’t be left overnight and expecting 18yos to get jobs is unreasonable because they should be working on their 6 A levels to get into a ‘red brick’ only. Kids in the OP need to be finding pe kits over sorting social media accounts out.

I don't think the chewing gum request was bad at all, although I understand if it was the the tip of the iceberg why you flipped. It is absolutely grim to watch someone slop gum with an open mouth and would make me queasy. Reminds me of a masticating cow.

They absolutely shouldn't be treating you like a second class citizen though. Don't write notes for lost kit, step back and let them make their own mistakes and deal with the fall out if they can't ask nicely. You've always done everything for them so they take it for granted. Your DH needs to back you up. I do feel for you, kids can be fucking horrible at times however much we love them!!! 💐

And you should have made sure they had everything ready for school last night. 14 year olds still need parenting.

At 14 all you should need to do is say make sure you have your bag packed for school , you should not be doing it for them or constantly checking up on them.

This sort of attitude doesn't happen over night so it could have been nipped in the bud earlier. But then what do I know? I don't have kids thank God but YWNBU to lose your shit. You should have lost it more and made the little sods walk to school.

Do you think, maybe, if you had a big exam today you might be a bit more nervous and irritable than usual? And you might ask a person who is your main support person to treat you a bit more sensitively than usual?

Yes, you are ‘in charge’ of ensuring the families needs are needs are met in a balanced way. There’s no debate about that. But that doesn’t mean it’s a hierarchy in terms of their humanity. They asked you respectfully to stop doing something annoying on a day when they are especially stressed. It’s hardly the time for explaining that if they don’t respect you as an authority you won’t respect them as a person, which is unreasonable anyway. I know it was on top of a lot of other shit they weren’t very appreciative of and you snapped. I’d have found it hard too.

Teens brains are mush. They are dissolving and rebuilding. It’s genuinely hard for them to be organised. If it bothers you, sit down with them and come up with better strategies for them to keep track of their stuff. But don’t try to set yourself up as an authority, unless you want to lose them for good as soon as they realise you can’t actually control what they do. Because you can’t. If you want to have a relationship with them like a teacher, carry on. If you want a relationship like a family, that works both ways. Cut them a little slack on hard days (that doesn’t mean letting it slide, necessarily. You were really irritated too, and you have stressful stuff going on as well, I’m sure. But own it and don’t take it out on them and pick your moments.)

honestly, I might well have done the same thing. I find it hard when little irritations that would have been prevented if they’d just do what I say in the first place build up like that and I really get irritated by is kind appreciation of my efforts. I’m human, I get frustrated. But I’d apologise later and try to dump my feelings outwards, not on my kid.

Also I remember an OP saying she had misophonia and couldn’t stand to be near her MIL eating as she was a really loud eater etc she got absolutely destroyed saying she was disrespectful, MIL could eat how she wanted in her home etc. such double standards on here. Love that the teen is assumed to have asked politely just because he said please. Have you ever been around teens? They can say ‘please can you get me a snack dearest mother’ and it sounds shitty and sarcastic!

I got as far as that you were chewing gum with your mouth open, and your teen pulled you up on it politely. He did the right thing and you were doing something quite disgusting, regardless of the fact you were in your own car. You can't expect your kids to have decent manners and not have them yourself. YABU

Love that the teen is assumed to have asked politely just because he said please. Have you ever been around teens? They can say ‘please can you get me a snack dearest mother’ and it sounds shitty and sarcastic!

Exactly!!

Laughing at the “lose your purse” for pocket money day idea - though I’m with the poster in spirit.

My 14yo gets her pocket money via SO and spends it from her phone with Apple Pay.

Losing my purse wouldn’t work 🤣

Though I’m quite prepared to stop money if needed. But then I also wouldn’t write a note for lost kit. So maybe I’m a tough parent? 🤣

The issue is you picked an argument in the one point all morning where they were in the right.

It isn't insubordination to ask someone to not be disgusting around you and for them to use their manners.

So you sorted out their SM when you hadn't got time, then did pick them up in their rudeness over the PE Kit but then when you did something wrong and they picked you up on it, you "lost your shit" and reminded them they're inferior to you so you don't care about their feelings.

Not really a win day.

SM etc gets sorted after school. Magic word?, them when they y fail to use their manners nad don't do it until they ask nicely. Chew with your mouth shut.

So does mine. But I'd just lose my ability to log into my online banking temporarily, then.

My teen often responds with "do I have to? I'm really tired" when I ask for a minuscule amount of help around the house like loading the dishwasher. I used to get annoyed and snappy. Now I just respond with "that's OK, no worries. But bear in mind I'll probably be far too tired to transfer your spending money to your account, or give you a lift to your mates at the weekend."

Amazing how she finds the energy every time to do it.

At that age you should have no input apart from driving them. Just let then get on with it,if they're late they will suffer for it at school.

Don't chew with your mouth open,it's grim 😉

Okay, take a few steps back. This morning you acted like a friend not a parent. You helped them sort their social media before they had got their essential things sorted. Then you wrote them a note to excuse their lack of organisation. But then you wanted them to treat you like a parent when you started chewing with your mouth open (I have misophonia and would have silently wanted to throttle you, but the chewing gum is not the issue).

Yes, there absolutely is a hierarchy in a family and of course you are the boss but you're not acting like it so you're blurring the lines. Can you imagine your boss screaming at you 'you will do as I say because I am the boss!!' Would you respect him more or less? I'd be laughing my head off. You become the boss by leading and taking control and that's what you need to do.

I would call a meeting this afternoon and say that this morning was a mess and, moving forward, things are going to be done differently (no ifs, no buts). Everyone is responsible for getting themselves and their things ready for school on time. You won't be helping anyone with anything until those essential things are done. Anyone not doing so, will face the natural consequences of that (get in trouble at school, miss their lift, etc). That's life...stop bailing them out when they have got themselves into a mess. Tell them you love them unconditionally but there is a general lack of respect within the household (and that contributed to you losing your shit with them this morning inappropriately). From now on, you need to call them out on their lack of respect. Mine had a phase of this (well one of them did) and every time I would say 'mind your tone' or I would walk away and say things like 'I'll pick up this conversation when you decide to talk to me politely' or 'I don't feel inclined to help out anyone who speaks to me this way'. And then for the love of god stick to it. They need firm, clear boundaries still at this age. Nobody gets lifts for being rude. Nobody gets dinner cooked for them if they can't be arsed to be civil. Take back control of that household. Trust me, in a couple of years time, your children will morph into decent people if they learn to respect you now.

This whole pulling rank thing will not work out well for you. They are learning now how to deal with authority. You are their comfortable place...as their partner will be in the future. You need to take no shit from them by not standing for disrespectful behaviour, not by telling them they have to fall into place because you're in charge. Just be in charge. You need to TEACH them to act respectfully, not tell them to be respectful. Show them what respect looks like. Model calm conversations (yes, I know its difficult). Model how to draw a healthy boundary. I often used to say 'If I make you a cup of tea now I will feel resentful and angry because you've been rude to me all morning. I don't want to feel angry so its better you do it yourself'. Then just walk the fuck away. Give them time to stew and think. Just detach until they learn they get nothing from mum without talking and acting respectfully. It will then become a habit (most of the time).

It was a controlled kind of shit losing, but it involved ‘explaining’ to them in no uncertain terms that they wouldn’t talk to their teacher like that, they failed to understand why

This isn't losing your shit. This is explaining to them why their behaviour is not acceptable.

At that age you should have no input apart from driving them.

At that age, why do they need driving to school? Unless it was OP and her DH's choice to send them to a school they couldn't otherwise get to, they should be walking or getting the bus.