I’m sick of the way my kids talk to me

[tinnedpears]

Getting ready for school this morning. I’m used to them yanking my chain, but this is getting ridiculous now. PE kit astray, no time to find it after woes sorting out social media accounts that I patiently helped with (yes really!) and was ordered to write a note for lost kit that I then did (yes really) me and my 14 and 13 year old got in the car. 14 year old then told me ‘could you chew your chewing gum with your mouth closed please’.

I lost my shit.

It was a controlled kind of shit losing, but it involved ‘explaining’ to them in no uncertain terms that they wouldn’t talk to their teacher like that, they failed to understand why, I explained that that was because there was a thing called hierarchy. They said that because he had said please that that was ok. I said that no, it was insubordination and I was sick of being told what to do and they are never, ever to tell me what todo ever again. Happens all the time. Never do it to their dad.

14 year old has an exam today and 13 yo dd spat venom at me saying I should be ashamed of myself as he would be upset today and unable todo well in his exam. even though as he left I wished him luck, said I loved him and would be thinking of him, and he need only try his best.

he is a lovely boy, but is getting too big for his boots and it’s got to stop but was I BU?

I bet no one would think it's ok if the ops husband had told her not to chew in a certain way.

I Agree with every word of Teebee’s post, she’s put it much better than me.
Your daughter has trained you well, she treats you with disdain so you don’t bother asking her to help or to do anything for herself.
This needs addressing, stop letting her walk all over you.

Me too!

I bet half of them are still tucking little Oliver and Rosie into bed at night.

OP, you are not alone, you will never be alone and FWIW the gum irrelevant, it’s just your annoying teenagers carrying on their battle. I used to register to even acknowledge my DC when they were obnoxious, a simple if you can’t speak to me nicely don’t expect a response.

I think I would have ripped up the PE kit note and made them walk. YANBU.

Absolutely! Or adult son. Change DS14 to either DH or DS18 and it would be "completely unacceptable for him to tell you what to do, that's controlling behaviour"... etc.

YANBU. I'd think carefully about why they are prepared to talk to you like this but not their Dad. Are they just copying what they see from others? Is it because your DH and/or members of the extended family talk down to you? If so you need to challenge that before you can change your teenagers' behaviour.

13 and 14 shouldn't be told what to do like toddlers and I take it you have taught them that chewing gum with an open mouth is rude, so that's your dc asking that you have the same respect for yourself as you request of them, perfectly fair.
As they grow older you're going to come up against your style of parenting more and more. it'll help you all going forward if you can inject a little lightheartedness into your parenting and see them as young adults

Great post by Teebee. I see what you mean by hierarchy in that sense - that the parents are in charge, setting healthy boundaries and staying respectful. I wouldn't really see that as hierarchical but I guess it is.

Yeah. You possibly could have handled the situation better but I agree you need to be careful that your sons aren’t growing up with a view that women are only their to look after and facilitate them.

I have an 11 year old and she is maturing slowing due to her ADHD. The snarky comments have started and no I don’t write notes for any of my children. If they forget their PE kit that is on them, even for my 6 year old. I have taken the time to ensure it’s washed, folded and in place and their job is to make sure they follow the morning checklist. I have firm lines in terms of behavior and expectations. We speak with respect to each other and, I’m very clear that as the parent, I’m in charge. Daddy is in your boat OP and the reason the kids act up is because the boundaries are not consistently tight. He lets things go too far and then loses his shit. I keep the lines close, describing them as train tracks and correct the kids as they approach the line. Cross the line and they know they are done so they don’t do it.

I am the mother who left my eldest with grandpa to pull weeds while I took the younger two to Liverpool for the day. None of them forget this. I count to 3 once I’ve given an instruction twice and rarely get to 2. The elder two have ASD/ADHD but guess what, they have learned to do as they are told by their mother otherwise there are consequences which are not fun.

Daddy is fun except it isn’t fun because they always end up screaming and him swearing at the children. I HATE that. I rarely lose control like that and I think it’s something I don’t want the children to replicate or emulate. After a week with Daddy it takes me 3-4 days to get them back on track. As time goes on they want to spend less time with Daddy because they don’t actually have fun with him. While this reads as very strict, it’s not like that in reality and we have a lot of fun now we are finally out of the baby stages.

Why would you bet that? If somebody is chewing gum with their mouth open, they deserve to be told to stop it by whomever it is bothering.

Oh and there is a greater chance of a rocking horse taking a shit than any of my children having a phone before they have a job. If they want the responsibility of social media they first need to demonstrate they are ready for it by holding a job down. That can be babysitting, mowing lawns etc etc and I expect them to start working around school hours after the age of 14.

I'd imagine it's not the first time they have asked you to chew with your mouth closed, it's a bad habit and it's not something you just randomly do. Probably sick of asking you just like you are sick of asking them. They are right too, it sounds awful. Can forgive a small child for chewing with their mouth open, not an adult.

You've also said you've given up on your daughter in trying to get her to do anything, that's not the attitude to have. Teenagers are annoying, you were one once, bet your mum didn't like you either at times. Still got to be a parent, can't just give up on them. Been lots of suggestions on here to try.

It sounds like there's a lot of stress in your house op. Time to make some changes to reduce it.
Get your dcs to organise themselves better. They need their stuff ready the night before.
You don't make changes by lecturing and talk about insubordination and hierarchies will probably just have them rolling their eyes.
Don't be a skivvy. Get them to take on some chores and more responsibilities. Give them consequences and follow through.

Yabu for slapping your chops chewing gum <shudder> YABU for that and that alone.

my ds and oh both know to crunch and chew Faaaaaaaar from me if I’m not eating the same.

Otherwise, meh, you did your best and they were abut ungrateful and disorganised

it will help if you get them to get things organised for school, PE kit and the like, it needs to be done at the weekend and ready to pick up and go. It’s the only way things work in my house.

I don’t think the social media thing is too bad in the greater scheme of things, but you have to keep an eye on the time and that keeps the stress down.

there is a lot of angst and stress in your house at the moment, for legitimate reasons, so turn the page move on and learn from it

maybe have a conversation calmly tonight

I don’t like the manipulative “you’ve ruined his exams..” bs. You won’t have.

tell them that you’re stressed, they’re stressed but it doesn’t mean all manners and respect go out the window.

hes 14 and having exams? Their mocks surely? So if he doesn’t do well, he’ll learn.

*theyre

Chewing gum especially with mouth open is gross.
Please dont pick a fight with your child just before his exam.
Teach them to be more orgsnised. They should be sorting pe kit the day before. Give them a night time check list and jnyroduce a rule no SM until yhey are completely ready fir school, or better yet before school

I often tell my DH and my sons not to chew loudly, it's bad manners

PE kit astray, no time to find it after woes sorting out social media accounts that I patiently helped with (yes really!) and was ordered to write a note for lost kit that I then did (yes really)

You are responsible for the way that they treat you. No way in hell was I doing anything that I was 'ordered' to do.

Need help with SM? Sort your PE kit first.

Stop being such a doormat.

When mine were that age and rude, I completely ignored them. Even though it nearly killed me. And I would only reply/interact once they were polite again.

It completely removes any reaction from the situation.

And give them accountability. If they lose/haven't got PE kit, they deal with it. Bet they never forget their phones..............

Oh and there is a greater chance of a rocking horse taking a shit than any of my children having a phone before they have a job. If they want the responsibility of social media they first need to demonstrate they are ready for it by holding a job down. That can be babysitting, mowing lawns etc etc and I expect them to start working around school hours after the age of 14

@Aintnosupermum do you have children? What ages are they? I'm going to presume you don't have teenagers yet!

Yes I have children, my eldest is 11, and delayed maturity wise due to her ADHD. However Daddy complains all the time about back chat. I don’t get it from her at all because she knows I won’t tolerate it.

This push for our children to have constant access to technology, please stop and think who this benefits. Top tier technology ‘gods’ don’t give their children iPads or phones.

So when a child starts secondary school and walks alone or takes public transport, you are happy for them not to have a phone? I'm not a huge fan of technology and kids on screens but honestly, your teenager will not only hate you for this but will be very disadvantaged socially. How do you think young teens organise their social lives? Trust me, their mates aren't going to call your house phone to speak to them like it's 1987!

@Comedycook
Exactly. The reason my DD15 has her phone is for safety as she gets the bus to and from school and also because it would be grossly unfair of me to allow her to be left behind her mates socially. Not to mention that it also makes my life far easier having a consistent way to communicate with her no matter where she is.