I’m sick of the way my kids talk to me

[tinnedpears]

Getting ready for school this morning. I’m used to them yanking my chain, but this is getting ridiculous now. PE kit astray, no time to find it after woes sorting out social media accounts that I patiently helped with (yes really!) and was ordered to write a note for lost kit that I then did (yes really) me and my 14 and 13 year old got in the car. 14 year old then told me ‘could you chew your chewing gum with your mouth closed please’.

I lost my shit.

It was a controlled kind of shit losing, but it involved ‘explaining’ to them in no uncertain terms that they wouldn’t talk to their teacher like that, they failed to understand why, I explained that that was because there was a thing called hierarchy. They said that because he had said please that that was ok. I said that no, it was insubordination and I was sick of being told what to do and they are never, ever to tell me what todo ever again. Happens all the time. Never do it to their dad.

14 year old has an exam today and 13 yo dd spat venom at me saying I should be ashamed of myself as he would be upset today and unable todo well in his exam. even though as he left I wished him luck, said I loved him and would be thinking of him, and he need only try his best.

he is a lovely boy, but is getting too big for his boots and it’s got to stop but was I BU?

YABU I hate people chewing gum with their mouths open!
But it's not about the gum, they treat you this way because you have let them over the years.

Insubordination and hierarchy were probably the wrong words to use. Have a chat with them later and say that it's about respec. Explain how you feel when they talk to you like that and pull them up on it EVERY time they do it. Don't wait for the straw that breaks the camels back.
I had many many mornings like that when my two were horrible teens and now they are lovely polite respectful young men. This will pass.
Have a good day today and try to do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

@SnowWhitesSM hang on , I need to know ... are the Adam sandler films a punishment or a good thing 🤣

Yanbu. It doesn’t matter if they find it annoying, it’s not their place to say.
End of. They defo don’t respect you

I still want more detail on this PE kit note!

I actually just texted a secondary PE teacher friend over this.

Student forgets kit: teacher will say, that’s a shame, right - you’re on timekeeping then, and as you know you’ve got a short detention after school tomorrow.

Student brings note from mum that kit is lost: teacher will give them the same detention anyway, but also tell them off that they’re old enough to not lose kit, and give them a gentle ribbing for asking mummy to write a note.

Obviously, she says, some variation - she knows a student with a chaotic home life who might say they forgot kit when actually a drunken mother had vomited on it when she staggered in last night. My friend is not an arsehole. But generally, a note from mummy about lost kit would be met with some derision.

@foxlover47 he says he hates them and calls them old people films, he rolls his eyes that I pause it and talk about the line but he also has to talk about the line. The longer he moans the longer we watch the films together. We did the water boy last and spoke about how mean they were to him and also how controlling his mum was. I think it's great as he can't really get angry at me and twist it round to make me the bad guy for what he's done, and we spend time together. If I sent him to his room/grounded him/took his PC off him he could then shift the blame and get angry at me. This way he can't. There's always a nice ending and the good guy wins. It's like bible stories but funny 😆

It's fine to ask someone to chew with their mouth closed however, it isn't fine for your children to be so foul.

If they don't have their PE kit the night before school- don't write notes. You're excusing their laziness.

Social media can until after school- you're allowing them to waste your time.

If they aren't ready in the morning they can get themselves to school- no doubt you'll have an excuse for them not being able to but if you want them to take some responsibility for themselves you need to let the reigns go a little.

She is in the car at this point, so why? I think you have misunderstood the post and the situation. Did you think that she is pissed off because of the chewing gum issue? Because that's not the point and it's the only thing you have addressed.

Wow you lost your shit over that and gave them a massive lecture, fucking hell you wouldn't last 5 minutes in my shoes.

I don't know why you'd want them to talk to you like you were a teacher. Can't they have a dialogue with you? Can't they tell you politely when they find something you do annoying? Why not? Would you tell them if it was reversed?

If you resent helping them with SM or PE kit then don't? They will learn better through consequence.

Maybe set some boundaries around stuff like that and you won't feel so annoyed by someone asking you to chew with your mouth closed 🤷‍♀️

This^
OP is right. They wouldn’t have said it to their teacher or boss. So why should they speak to her. There is a hierarchy in a family, don’t let children speak to you like shit.
I could be quite rude and snarky to one of my parents when I was a teenager, it was just one of them who just pissed me off. A clash of personalities and teenage hormones I think. But I had to deal with it and make an effort. I did grow out of it and I was pulled up when I did it.

Why are they assuming it was polite AND why are they assuming she was actually doing it?
Lots of assumptions, given the context and the fact that they were in a car, and not sitting opposite each other, I would say it's just another way of being rude and unpleasant.

They need to show you more respect. Stop helping them with lost clothes and other stuff.... make them responsible for their own stuff.

Would you allow yourself to be treated like this by a friend ?

Don't be a doormat .

You're a genius! Love your parenting style. Annoying but connecting. Love it! :-D

I don't know how you interpret talking to a teacher, but speaking to an adult with respect, it's not a biggy, is it? Why are you assuming that the chewing gum comment was pleasant?

They said 'please', he seems like a lovely boy that is stress about his exams.

There is a hierarchy in a family, don’t let children speak to you like shit.

But it's ok for parents to speak to their kids like shit yeah? Cos they're lower down the hierarchy?

My sons when early-mid teenagers used to speak terribly to me too and it could be really upsetting but, if everything else in the family is healthy and loving, then a lot of it is age and immaturity. My sons are now young adults and no longer speak to me like that, they’re lovely. I always pulled them up on it, I never let their rudeness go unacknowledged although usually (but not always) in a calm way. They never ever spoke to their dad like it though (even if he had lived with us I know they never would have). Sometimes I wonder if it’s a ‘mum’ thing as even the dog was the same. The dog would play up for me and be a complete pain (even though I’m her main food source and her ‘mum’) and behave beautifully for everyone else when I’m not in the room🤷‍♀️

Literally nobody has said that

I agree with every word of this

I'd love to know how many YABU voters have experience of parenting teens .... 🤔

At least your dc seem to get on and have each others' backs in the war against mum.
Look on the bright side.
My two dc treat me with distain plus they absolutely can't stand each other.

From what I see, lots of kids are scared of their teachers who "rule" through punishment or fear of rather than by having earned children's respect - they don't have a connection to them, they don't open up to them, they often don't like them or want to be around them.

I personally want my kids to be able to communicate with me and connect with me in a way I wouldn't expect with a teacher.

If the chewing gum comment was said unpleasantly I like to think I would have reminded my child about how we speak to each other and asked them to rephrase or consider if it needed to be said. I respect their right to an opinion and I expect them to respect mine.

I don't believe because I am 18+ I'm automatically granted or will get 100% completely respectful behaviour. Isn't that our job as parents to model and teach?

poor OP. The request was reasonable (chewing gum with mouth open is disgusting for evryone around you).
But you are being a mug. They are well old enough to get their things ready for school and to accept the consequences of not doing it.

So from now on, there are no notes for lost kit etc etc. There are polite requests for help and there is a quid pro quo about them helping you when you ask.

In fact i would agree with them on a sort of basic provision of mum services (food, clothes etc) but anything above that has to be earned/negotiated (lifts to school, help with SM).

So what ARE they saying then?

If hierarchy automatically grants parents respect. Doesn't it follow that being at the bottom of that hierarchy does NOT grant respect?

Otherwise - the hierarchy is meaningless, isn't it?

I have an almost teen and a 9 year old. I get you OP. Yes, maybe you shouldn't have been chewing with your mouth open, but it's hardly the most heinous of crimes, and if they've been treating you as a doormat, you are entitled to pull them up on it.

‘Too big for his boots’, ‘insubordinates’?

Seems like you really need to plan better parenting techniques for teenagers and educate yourself on brain development and how to interact with people, because this hierarchy shit does not go down well, with people anywhere.