I’m sick of the way my kids talk to me

[tinnedpears]

Getting ready for school this morning. I’m used to them yanking my chain, but this is getting ridiculous now. PE kit astray, no time to find it after woes sorting out social media accounts that I patiently helped with (yes really!) and was ordered to write a note for lost kit that I then did (yes really) me and my 14 and 13 year old got in the car. 14 year old then told me ‘could you chew your chewing gum with your mouth closed please’.

I lost my shit.

It was a controlled kind of shit losing, but it involved ‘explaining’ to them in no uncertain terms that they wouldn’t talk to their teacher like that, they failed to understand why, I explained that that was because there was a thing called hierarchy. They said that because he had said please that that was ok. I said that no, it was insubordination and I was sick of being told what to do and they are never, ever to tell me what todo ever again. Happens all the time. Never do it to their dad.

14 year old has an exam today and 13 yo dd spat venom at me saying I should be ashamed of myself as he would be upset today and unable todo well in his exam. even though as he left I wished him luck, said I loved him and would be thinking of him, and he need only try his best.

he is a lovely boy, but is getting too big for his boots and it’s got to stop but was I BU?

Bags ready the might before here, and lunch pre-made in the fridge (by them). Phones downstairs for charging (except the almost 18 year old), set bed-time/ being home by on school nights.

well said! Sounds like those teens are testing their boundaries and seeing how far they can push. Time to redefine those boundaries and time to remind them about a little thing called ‘respect’.

No good on you mum! Yanbu. You were right to tell them how to speak to you. Mine are getting older and sometimes speak to me in such a way that I have to say, there is absolutely no way you would speak to
Your teacher like that so what makes you think it's ok to speak to
Your mum like that?
It's about having respect.

Have you ever heard of misophonia? Your child might have been really suffering hearing you chew.

i am not saying don’t put them in their place if they are being disrespectful- I’d argue you probably should have done that by now and it might no longer be such an issue; but if your child has misophonia you are REALLY failing him, sorry.

That is correct. If they failed to do this, they would suffer the consequences, such as detention.

Important exam? The OP didn't say it was important. What she did say is that he's 14. He could be very able, of course, but most 14 year olds just do end of year tests at that age.

Sorry - he was polite and asked nicely, what is your problem? Chewing gum with your mouth open is gross but also it can make some people feel really ill/uncomfortable. I'd have been slightly mortified and apologised.

All of the other things may or may not be an issue - but this is not a good example and you overreacted at a bad time. Hope your DS was OK in his exam?

Teenagers are just so tricky. One of mine found my walk annoying. I had clicky sounding boots on. Think he actually hated me in mid teens but still expected lifts and full service at home! He did grow up and is now lovely and happy. Not sure we have ever quite fixed completely that fissure tho.

I'm with you. If you do t tackle it sooner or later it can escalate.

I'm a doormat and my eldest daughter has no respect, just sees me as someone to shill money out of.

Clearly your kids think you are their servant or maybe even slave Time to reign them in and also time to do less for them Lost PE kit no note the owner of lost kit has to face consequences etc etc A month or so of new regime should sort it

Apologised?! I'm their mother who would do anything for these children. If I'm driving in a bikini and it offends them, so be it. If they hate the music i sing loudly to, so be it.If I eat in a way they dislike, so be it. I'm an individual and will be treated as such, the same respect I give them. Some folk on here really, really need to get a grip or there will be teenagers walking all over them.

See!

Maybe your example was not a good one, but it's an indicator of your stress level with these 2 little darlings! You need to take back the reins a bit with them, assert your authority. They need to understand me mum, you children. Obviously they're of an age to start flexing their muscles, which is why you need to establish ground rules. If they want you to do things for them, then they play ball. If they don't act reasonably, then no lifts, no ironing, no whatever it is they're asking for. They'll learn to pick their battles with you, they'll learn how to behave acceptably, most of the time. You also, need to learn to pick your battles and chewing gum is not one.

I'm an individual and will be treated as such, the same respect I give them.

Yes, and I'd ask my DD not to chew with her mouth open so neither should I. You seem to be saying you can act like an impolite arse and they need to keep respecting you. That's not respecting them.

You shouldn't be sorting out their social media.
You shouldn't be writing notes for their lost PE kit.
You absolutely should be chewing with your mouth closed!!

I think they were taking the piss with getting you to fix their issues or errors, but honestly it's bloody embarrassing that you need your child to tell you to eat with your mouth shut!

Sorry but YWBU to chew gum open mouthed. Secondly using the word highracy is not a good idea to use with teenagers.

The gum chewing is a red herring. Teenagers are often cheeky and get irritated by all sorts of innocuous things their parents do. My teenager has a long list of things which I do which annoy him... including driving too slowly (I drive at a normal legal speed) singing along to the radio, having the window open in the car on a hot day, asking him to put his plate in the sink. Sometimes just walking into the same room as him is annoying apparently.

If it’s any consolation my daughter treated and spoke to me just like yours is doing. However she is now almost 17 and it’s getting a lot lot better because I pulled her up on it every single time. I carried out my threats one of which was you can go and live with your dad if you don’t like me. Funnily enough her dad backed me and she grew up. There is light op. For the next few years just drink gin ! Xxx

They are taking you for granted and see you as serving them. Hence “do this and that for me”. Being reliable as a parent is great…. But you’ve gone to the point they don’t appreciate you.
I have a rule now, ask me at the last minute and it’s a no. Teens need to learn to organise themselves. Living with young adults that expect you to do their washing and be their maid is on the cards otherwise.

An impolite arse? How so? Do you know me and my excellent relationship with my children? For your information, it is based on a mutual respect and a cognisance that they can never speak to me, their DH, step- dad or each other in a disrespectful or selfish way. It's also a 2 way street where if any of us do snap if stressed, later an apology is given. It's all based on how I was brought up: you respect your parents and they'll respect you. Cheek is just not tolerated, plain and simple. It seems many on this thread are being spoken to terribly and it's just not on.

YANBU for losing your shit over the way you get treated in general.

Unfortunately you chose the wrong thing to lose it over - asking someone politely to chew with mouth closed is totally reasonable IMO.

I’d sit down with them and explain that really it was all about the way they’ve been treating you in general and that that needs to change.

Yup!

I grew up in a (loving) house where ‘cheek’ wasn’t tolerated and to be perfectly honest it was very detrimental to me. I ended up being someone afraid to say boo to a goose and a people pleaser. It took me years to overcome it. When I had children I knew I would let them have freedom of expression. Yes they could sometimes be rude but it was addressed in a more lighted way. They are young adults now and lovely and so much more confident about putting their views and opinions forward in a way I was never allowed.

Urgh those posters like @WhatIsThisPlease saying you deserve it if chewing gum with mouth open, it’s a reasonable request, etc

Have you never heard of RESPECT?! This is their mother , the person who endured pregnancy and gave birth to them, who now feeds and clothes them and houses them in their house. They should respect her and comments like that are not it. I would never have dared speak to my mum like that full stop.

And the other kid trying to tell you what can and can’t say. Who do they think they are?! There’s also more than a bit of emotional blackmail to what they said - basically trying to silence you and give you the message that your feelings don’t matter, as a mother you shouldn’t even have feelings, you’re just there to facilitate everyone else.

I think you would be absolutely right to pull them up on this and speak to them about it. They need to learn some respect and to see you as a person in your right - they are well old enough for that.

@LuckySantangelo35

i agree entirely that children should be respectful. Mine are. But they were taught respect at a very young age. They’ve never spoken to me like the OP’s children spoke to their DM in 18 and 16 years.

However. Politely asking someone to stop doing something that is, frankly, ill mannered, is not disrespectful. If the mum asked the child to chew with her mouth closed would that be disrespectful? It’s a two way street.