I’m sick of the way my kids talk to me

[tinnedpears]

Getting ready for school this morning. I’m used to them yanking my chain, but this is getting ridiculous now. PE kit astray, no time to find it after woes sorting out social media accounts that I patiently helped with (yes really!) and was ordered to write a note for lost kit that I then did (yes really) me and my 14 and 13 year old got in the car. 14 year old then told me ‘could you chew your chewing gum with your mouth closed please’.

I lost my shit.

It was a controlled kind of shit losing, but it involved ‘explaining’ to them in no uncertain terms that they wouldn’t talk to their teacher like that, they failed to understand why, I explained that that was because there was a thing called hierarchy. They said that because he had said please that that was ok. I said that no, it was insubordination and I was sick of being told what to do and they are never, ever to tell me what todo ever again. Happens all the time. Never do it to their dad.

14 year old has an exam today and 13 yo dd spat venom at me saying I should be ashamed of myself as he would be upset today and unable todo well in his exam. even though as he left I wished him luck, said I loved him and would be thinking of him, and he need only try his best.

he is a lovely boy, but is getting too big for his boots and it’s got to stop but was I BU?

Technology is everywhere now. It's up to the individual parent to deal with it. When dd was in yr 7 quite a few of her 11yr old friends would snapchat pictures of themselves in their pants, have fake IG accounts. Dd had strict controls put on her phone after tumblr bullshit about gender filled her head. I wish I hadn't started tech till older, although thank god at my dcs age tech wasn't a big thing for little dc in those times.

I do think we'll find out how much we've damaged their brains in a few years and regret letting them have tech for a social life. I managed a great social life with my old nokia 3310. No pictures to haunt me if I ever wanted to do something in the public eye.

@TeeBee has it.

This whole pulling rank thing will not work out well for you. They are learning now how to deal with authority. You are their comfortable place...as their partner will be in the future. You need to take no shit from them by not standing for disrespectful behaviour, not by telling them they have to fall into place because you're in charge. Just be in charge. You need to TEACH them to act respectfully, not tell them to be respectful. Show them what respect looks like. Model calm conversations (yes, I know its difficult). Model how to draw a healthy boundary. I often used to say 'If I make you a cup of tea now I will feel resentful and angry because you've been rude to me all morning. I don't want to feel angry so its better you do it yourself'. Then just walk the fuck away. Give them time to stew and think. Just detach until they learn they get nothing from mum without talking and acting respectfully. It will then become a habit (most of the time).

You teach children how to be grateful, respectful, polite and kind by modelling it, having the same standards if not the same expectations of every family member. You address it in the moment with humour hopefully and immediate, natural consequences.

It's worth doing a little reading about history and psychology if you value blind and total obedience to authority. Specifically the Milgram Experiment and the Stanford Prison Experiment. I want my child to be the one who challenges authority when needed, even if that authority is me. That doesn't mean rude and tone is important.

I total agree! Never want my children to be 'yes' people, I want them to question authority when needed. That does mean me having to put up with them arguing my viewpoint and I'm okay with that (even when they're utterly irrational) but nobody gets heard by shouting, only by talking calmly. I always say to my kids 'sorry, my ears stop working when anybody shouts'...which is kind of true because my anger just boils over. If someone talks to me rationally, I start to listen to what they're saying.

'sorry, my ears stop working when anybody shouts'

And I use 'I'm sorry I don't speak whine' or I put on an exaggerated whiney voice and say 'I can't understand you when you talk like this'. Makes her laugh, stops the behaviour mostly.

As I always say, we aren't controlling children, we're raising functional adults.

No one wants to hear someone continually smacking their gum around slack jawed so I’d say YABU

If neither of your kids show you respect I’m sorry but it’s on you & your DH. Can hardly change it now at 14

I managed to use the bus and be home on time without a phone.

Phones don’t provide safety. Being aware of your surroundings and acting appropriately helps but really it takes a village. If there is a problem on the bus I expect my child to ask the driver for help. They don’t need a phone for that.

Except could you... please is a question, not a command.

If OP postedDH chews his chewing gum with his mouth open every morning so as well as the chomping sound there's also flecks of saliva flying. I said this morning "can you close your mouth when you chew chewing gum please" and he accused me of dictating to him what he can and can't do we'd all agree the DH was unreasonable and OP shouldn't have to endure her husbands rudeness.

So your developmentally delayed child who already has to cope with ADHD on top of school is also expected to work from 14. Well see how that conversation is going in three years.

please is a question, not a command.

Depending very much on the tone with which it's said, imo.

I think there is a lot of truth in this.

It sounds like you were having a difficult time and whilst its easy to comment on it when it happens to someone else, from my own experience... when you said
I lost my shit - you lost the high ground.
One should try to lead by example. You took the pent up frustration with the mornings activities and started "losing your shit" with a captive audience who couldn't get away and yes, exam morning was not ideal and they had no problem pointing that out.
It may be satisfying in the moment, but it quickly feels awful and shows them you are not in control.

You have to earn their respect and losing it like that doesn't do it ( its easy to say I know ) but it is a good idea to talk to them when everything is calmer and say that you don't want it to be like this. What you are working towards is that both sides treat each other with more respect, and that doesn't happen when they behave the way they did that morning. Pick a certain item and ask how they could avoid it next time Get them to talk. Get them to suggest solutions. and try really hard not to react when they raise their voices, you slow and lower yours and say please do not shout, that is not acceptable. We can't get it right every time, but at least you'll know when things are going pear-shaped that you have a plan and will deal with some of it later when everyone is calmer, and that will make it easier to feel in control. Good luck!

Reading with intrigue, op are you a military family ?

And the authority style of leader and troops just blindly following orders, ? If that's the case, then history shows, it's not the best management style.

@SnowWhitesSM you are honestly brilliant !!! Thank you for sharing I'm going to do this with my 10 year old daughter ... there are so many but she really gets cheesed off when I watch the wedding singer !! It's a brilliant way to handle things 🙌😊

Well things need to change, don’t they

you need to lay down the law, mum strike and LET THEM face the consequences of their inaction.

tell them to make sure they’re ready for school the night before, tell them they’re walking and need to leave at whatever time and mean it. Don’t stop telling them what you expect, but insist on them following to time/schedule or they will face the consequences when they’re late for school/forgotten something

I think perhaps you’ve not followed through on consequences and they know you ain’t got shit when they don’t do whatever you want them to do

youve done a great job of showing unconditional love, but they have learned that it’s literally not required to do anything for you/your approval

@foxlover47 Twins is a great one for sibling quarrelling!

I said YABU, not for how you feel but for how long it’s gone on. They must have been acting that way for years. Respect yourself- no they mustn’t treat you like that. The company motto where I used to work was ‘give respect to earn respect’ cheesy, but true!

Suggest working on making decisions and planning together, so they see you as an equal. Also means treating them as more like an adult - yes, you expect them to manage their own kit, with a bit of help. While they demand and you do, it won’t change. But it can.

It sounds like you don't respect your kids so why on earth should they respect you?

Well done! You did nothing wrong. Kids are very cheeky these days. Actually i was a
cheeky brat. My mum would lose her shit too sometimes but now I understand why

It's really common for 13 and 14 year olds to push boundaries and start talking rudely. I'm not sure using words such as hierarchy and insubordination is quite right though. They should be respectful to everyone, and respect people when they say something upsets then, whether they agree with it or not. Not just people you think are higher up the food chain. My 14 year old went through a phrase of getting big for her boots. She started saying 'shut up' alot and 'you're so annoying' which I found rude. I introduced a list of banned words. This was actually for my 6 year old foster child who came in with colourful language but actually started to work on the teen! So we have some banned phrases and while it sounds daft it works! Due your scenario instead of saying stuff like insubordination I would have said that you found what he said rude and that's upsetting to you and makes you sad, and next time he should say something more polite and then supply him with a sentence. Do this every time he says something you think is rude. But don't teach then that it's OK to speak rudely to some people and not others.

Yep. Chewing with your mouth open is gross

Your child had an important exam.

This was not the time to 'lose your shit' it was a time to remain focused on keeping your child calm and together.

You can and should not be losing your shit - full stop, unless you want your teens to do the same. Seriously I think you let your ds down a little. Chewing gum loudly is foul. He was nervous and feeling stressed and it was grating on him.

Not great at all. I hope he did well, despite your input

I’d be making them catch the bus and allowing them to get detention for lack of kit. They need to learn about consequences.

& you recognise that it wasn’t the best time to react. I don’t think other posters should be making you feel worse.

OP there is so much utter pish on this thread (great Scots word, describes so much). I've nrtft but gleaned lots of 'you don't respect your child' , 'you let then down' ' Are you a military family?' Utter rot. You lost your shit like every parent does now and again. The MN trope is of perfect parents who calmly discuss things with their little moppets. In fact, I'd bet many of these kids walk all over their parents.

I have 3 DS. 2 teens. They know I adore them/ they can come to me with anything/ we talk and laugh or put the world to rights/ we like spending time together/ they show their love all the time etc... but that doesn't mean I don't lose my shit occasionally if they're out of line (esp DS2 15 who's much more hormonal than DS1). I don't pussy foot around them, if I'm annoyed they know it. We all need to live here and be mindful of everyone.

They would NEVER be disrespectful in the way you describe this morning. They would never contemplate it because they know, essentially, I'm in charge/ I'm too lovely to them to piss me off. They would never tell me to "Shut up' or similar. Having rules about respect doesn't mean you're strict/ over-bearing. It's called balance and you just need to be clearer that lovely mum will be hurt if they speak to you like this.

Those of you who are in some way pandering to your teens- just watch them have little respect for you as they grow.