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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m sick of the way my kids talk to me

184 replies

tinnedpears · 18/05/2022 09:20

Getting ready for school this morning. I’m used to them yanking my chain, but this is getting ridiculous now. PE kit astray, no time to find it after woes sorting out social media accounts that I patiently helped with (yes really!) and was ordered to write a note for lost kit that I then did (yes really) me and my 14 and 13 year old got in the car. 14 year old then told me ‘could you chew your chewing gum with your mouth closed please’.

I lost my shit.

It was a controlled kind of shit losing, but it involved ‘explaining’ to them in no uncertain terms that they wouldn’t talk to their teacher like that, they failed to understand why, I explained that that was because there was a thing called hierarchy. They said that because he had said please that that was ok. I said that no, it was insubordination and I was sick of being told what to do and they are never, ever to tell me what todo ever again. Happens all the time. Never do it to their dad.

14 year old has an exam today and 13 yo dd spat venom at me saying I should be ashamed of myself as he would be upset today and unable todo well in his exam. even though as he left I wished him luck, said I loved him and would be thinking of him, and he need only try his best.

he is a lovely boy, but is getting too big for his boots and it’s got to stop but was I BU?

OP posts:
BellePeppa · 18/05/2022 11:31

Insubordination is one of my most disliked words in any context. I don’t think it’s one you should be using with your children no matter how obnoxious they can get.

Comedycook · 18/05/2022 11:31

Like a pp said, I assume a lot of these comments come from those who have no experience of parenting teens. Change believe the hard time the ops getting.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/05/2022 11:34

Stop with all the social media 'help' and writing them notes... If they've lost their PE kit, let them face the consequences.

You need to sit down as a family and explain whey their attitudes are insulting and rude. And your Dh needs to back you up. If they chat back again, take electronics off them. Teach them that actions have consequences.

But yes, chewing gum with your mouth open is gross and sounds like you 'lost your shit' because you were embarrassed about being called out on it.

Bonjovispjs · 18/05/2022 11:35

Your son is right, chewing gum like that is disgusting and there's no excuse for it!

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/05/2022 11:35

Bonheurdupasse · 18/05/2022 09:25

If they would never do it to their dad then the fact is that they view you as a "service human" to them OP. They don't respect you as a person.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

"My daughter in particular never listens to a word i say and whilst being lovely and everyone loves her, is just nasty to me and jumps down my throat all the time. Literally all the time. I can’t ask her to do anything so I don’t even bother. My ds is different, but is changing now ..."
TBH, your son has observed your daughter's behaviour and learned that you accept that, and he is changing to match his sister and get that little thrill of power over mummy.

SO I'd start by putting your DS's and DD's behaviour on a very short leash and punish every transgression. No more spitting venom.

lancsgirl85 · 18/05/2022 11:35

Comedycook · 18/05/2022 11:31

Like a pp said, I assume a lot of these comments come from those who have no experience of parenting teens. Change believe the hard time the ops getting.

100% many of these comments are from posters with no experience of parenting teens! It stands out a mile.

MiseryWIthAStent · 18/05/2022 11:36

Chewing with your mouth open is just as rude IMO.

Brefugee · 18/05/2022 11:36

i think what a lot of people forget in parenting (mine are long out of teen age) is that you constantly have to review where you are with it (with the other parent is better). As they get older you have to review more often and more carefully. Our job as parents is to produce functioning adults and one of the way we do that is teaching mutual respect.

Heirarchy is an odd way of putting it, but at the end the parent is the one who must make the final decisions. As the DCs get older they should be getting more and more input into decisions that involve them, but until they run their own household, the casting vote goes to parents. But you can have respectful discussions, for the most part.

BellePeppa · 18/05/2022 11:38

TeeBee · 18/05/2022 10:38

Okay, take a few steps back. This morning you acted like a friend not a parent. You helped them sort their social media before they had got their essential things sorted. Then you wrote them a note to excuse their lack of organisation. But then you wanted them to treat you like a parent when you started chewing with your mouth open (I have misophonia and would have silently wanted to throttle you, but the chewing gum is not the issue).

Yes, there absolutely is a hierarchy in a family and of course you are the boss but you're not acting like it so you're blurring the lines. Can you imagine your boss screaming at you 'you will do as I say because I am the boss!!' Would you respect him more or less? I'd be laughing my head off. You become the boss by leading and taking control and that's what you need to do.

I would call a meeting this afternoon and say that this morning was a mess and, moving forward, things are going to be done differently (no ifs, no buts). Everyone is responsible for getting themselves and their things ready for school on time. You won't be helping anyone with anything until those essential things are done. Anyone not doing so, will face the natural consequences of that (get in trouble at school, miss their lift, etc). That's life...stop bailing them out when they have got themselves into a mess. Tell them you love them unconditionally but there is a general lack of respect within the household (and that contributed to you losing your shit with them this morning inappropriately). From now on, you need to call them out on their lack of respect. Mine had a phase of this (well one of them did) and every time I would say 'mind your tone' or I would walk away and say things like 'I'll pick up this conversation when you decide to talk to me politely' or 'I don't feel inclined to help out anyone who speaks to me this way'. And then for the love of god stick to it. They need firm, clear boundaries still at this age. Nobody gets lifts for being rude. Nobody gets dinner cooked for them if they can't be arsed to be civil. Take back control of that household. Trust me, in a couple of years time, your children will morph into decent people if they learn to respect you now.

This whole pulling rank thing will not work out well for you. They are learning now how to deal with authority. You are their comfortable place...as their partner will be in the future. You need to take no shit from them by not standing for disrespectful behaviour, not by telling them they have to fall into place because you're in charge. Just be in charge. You need to TEACH them to act respectfully, not tell them to be respectful. Show them what respect looks like. Model calm conversations (yes, I know its difficult). Model how to draw a healthy boundary. I often used to say 'If I make you a cup of tea now I will feel resentful and angry because you've been rude to me all morning. I don't want to feel angry so its better you do it yourself'. Then just walk the fuck away. Give them time to stew and think. Just detach until they learn they get nothing from mum without talking and acting respectfully. It will then become a habit (most of the time).

Good post imo.

orangeisthenewpuce · 18/05/2022 11:38

Controlled shit losing? Mine wouldn't have been controlled. You did the right thing. Son won't do well in exam? Poor him. Don't treat your mother like crap is his lesson. They clearly have no respect for you.

PeekAtYou · 18/05/2022 11:41

Can't comment on the gum comment as it depends on time and I suspect it's a straw that broke the camel's back situation.

Why are you writing notes on demand? They won't learn to keep track of PE Kit if you do this and by obeying, you are contributing to their disdain of you. Let them explain to school they have no kit. In our school it means using PE kit from lost property which is grim enough to be a massive deterrent.

NewandNotImproved · 18/05/2022 11:47

You don’t need to have personally done a thing to be able to tell when someone is doing it badly. As the saying goes- if I see a helicopter in a tree, I know someone has fucked up.

Acting the martyr, and having an ‘insubordinate’ type parenting style is clearly not working out for OP.

Comedycook · 18/05/2022 11:48

And actually you need some kind of hierarchy when raising children particularly teens and particularly teen boys. They quickly become taller and stronger than their mother's and they know it. If they believe they are in charge and can control you, then you could have an out of control teen and be in for an absolute nightmare.
It's a tricky balancing act in all honesty.

takealettermsjones · 18/05/2022 11:50

100% many of these comments are from posters with no experience of parenting teens! It stands out a mile.

Or... they just don't agree with you? There are a whole host of things on which reasonable people can disagree.

lancsgirl85 · 18/05/2022 11:51

takealettermsjones · 18/05/2022 11:50

100% many of these comments are from posters with no experience of parenting teens! It stands out a mile.

Or... they just don't agree with you? There are a whole host of things on which reasonable people can disagree.

IMO they don't agree largely because they have no experience of parenting teens. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

lancsgirl85 · 18/05/2022 11:52

Comedycook · 18/05/2022 11:48

And actually you need some kind of hierarchy when raising children particularly teens and particularly teen boys. They quickly become taller and stronger than their mother's and they know it. If they believe they are in charge and can control you, then you could have an out of control teen and be in for an absolute nightmare.
It's a tricky balancing act in all honesty.

Totally agree. My teen is not a boy not physically strong, but if I didn't assert my authority at times she would absolutely run rings around me and the entire household! It would be absolute chaos to say the least.

lancsgirl85 · 18/05/2022 11:52

*nor physically strong

lancsgirl85 · 18/05/2022 11:54

You don’t need to have personally done a thing to be able to tell when someone is doing it badly.

No. But it helps with the empathy and understanding part. I totally understand OP's perspective and how she got to where she did, because I've been there myself with my own teen.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/05/2022 11:54

lancsgirl85 · 18/05/2022 11:35

100% many of these comments are from posters with no experience of parenting teens! It stands out a mile.

Show quote history

Well definitely not 100% as my DS is now out of his teens and I parented him the whole way through them.

Maybe try accepting that people parent differently.

Thinkingblonde · 18/05/2022 11:55

Rule 1. They are old enough to get their own PE kit ready the night before. Put that responsibility on them today.
Rule 2. Social media is off an hour before you leave for school. No ifs or buts, tell them you’ll reconsider that rule when they have proved they can follow and implement Rule 1 consistently.
Rule 3. They ASK you, not ORDER for anything they require.
Rule 4 Tell them you are their parent not a servant and deserve the same respect and consideration they give to their father and teachers.
Rule 5 Have a 🍷later.

lancsgirl85 · 18/05/2022 11:56

You really do get worn down at times with the "I know better than you" type comments, the smart arse attitude and shitty comments, when you're bending over backwards trying to be the best parent you can be to your teen. With the best will in the world, parents of teens are also just flawed human beings. We reach breaking point at times, too. Which inevitably means that sometimes we don't display our finest parenting.

lancsgirl85 · 18/05/2022 11:58

@WhereYouLeftIt

I said "many of these comments". How do you know I was referring to yours? 🤔

Comedycook · 18/05/2022 12:03

Maybe try accepting that people parent differently

Yes they do but it depends on your DC and their personality. Some teens are much harder work than others and will need different boundaries.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/05/2022 12:04

I see it's a wider issue for you than the chewing gum thing but the sound of people chewing would absolutely drive me insane too

AryaStarkWolf · 18/05/2022 12:06

Also i changed my vote from you were BU to you were not because in general you aren't BU I think it's just the chewing thing is a bug bear for me!