To be disappointed that DD won’t get a surprise proposal

[Bluebellewoods]

DD is 28 and has been in a relationship with her partner for around a year and a half. They’ve been living together for some time and she tells me they are very happy together. I think the thought of turning 30 in a couple of years has been a big turning point for DD as she’s expressed her desire to get married and think about having children, as she feels time is running out somewhat.

DD tells me that she has decided it’s time to have a chat with her partner about her desire to get married and discuss and agree a timescale for doing so. I can’t help but feel a little sad that in essentially orchestrating her own engagement, DD will lose out on the special surprise moment of a traditional proposal which so many young women get to experience and cherish, which I’d hate for her to miss out on due to her impatience.

DD asked me for my advice on how she should best approach the conversation and I said I’d give it some thought. What I really want to say to her is just wait, she’s still so young and has so much time! I’d understand if DD had been waiting for years, but their relationship is still relatively new and I don’t think rushing an engagement at this time and sacrificing the traditional surprise is justified. AIBU?

I agree that they haven't been together long however nothing wrong with her asking him where he is feeling in the relationship.

It sounds like your DD has her head screwed on! YABU!

Oh your poor daughter, how sad for her. Fancy not sitting there waiting on a man to prove her worthiness to her by proposing. How dare she take control of her own life, be open about her needs with her partner and find the best way forward together. Doesn't she know real Princesses never make their needs important???

YABU because it’s none of your business.

I didn’t have a surprise proposal, but married at 30 and it’s honestly nothing I’ve ever considered to be close to a regret - and if my mum was upset on my behalf about it I’d have thought her extremely over-involved and rather old-fashioned.

I wouldn’t say anything. She is entitled to her feelings and clearly she wants to have the chat more than she wants to wait for a surprise proposal. She is old enough to make that judgement. Not all of us even care about surprise proposals.

18 months to date, could easily mean 3 years’ relationship by the time they marry, even if they get engaged tomorrow.

YABU - as are most threads posted at this time of night. After 10pm is the new Friday it seems.

To be honest, at your DD's age, I think she's far more sensible to talk to her DP rather than sit waiting for a romantic proposal which may never happen.

If your DD sensibly wants to get married before having children it makes sense for her to raise the subject.

They’ve not been together incredibly long but surely it’s better for them to have a conversation now, than she finds out in 3 years he didn’t want kids and was never going to marry her. I think it’s really unhealthy for couples not to have these conversations and really weird if you have absolutely no idea your partner is going to propose. Surely it’s normal to have some idea?

i don’t see why she can’t say I’d like to have children before x age and I’d probably like to be married by then too, and then he can still do a romantic proposal. It’s hardly a demand for him to get down on one knee tomorrow at 3pm is it.

Oh please 🙄

YABU. She isn't you.

I would have cringed my arse inside out if I had a 'traditional' proposal. Maybe she feels the same way.

The proposal is by far the least important part of a happy marriage, which I'm sure you know, so focus on the stuff that matters.

I think you can strike a balance between having the conversations and having a surprise romantic moment. That’s what happened to me - we spoke a LOT about our shared desire for marriage, what our timelines were etc. over the years (we got together young) and then about 18 months before we got engaged we started talking very seriously about the future and agreed we both wanted marriage and what that would look like etc. He then told me to basically shut up about it and that it would happen but just to wait, and he surprised me totally with an incredibly romantic proposal and a beautiful ring he’d designed.

You can have the conversations and the surprise, and your daughter absolutely SHOULD be having the conversations! In this day and age you shouldn’t be completely shocked when someone proposes - it should be something you both know you want and have discussed what your marriage will look like in my opinion.

Not sure why you think we are all sat about waiting to be proposed to?
It’s never as romantic as people seem to think, some get drunk and pop the question others are flown to the moon!
Makes no difference to a couple who are compatible.

Oh your poor daughter, how sad for her. Fancy not sitting there waiting on a man to prove her worthiness to her by proposing. How dare she take control of her own life, be open about her needs with her partner and find the best way forward together. Doesn't she know real Princesses never make their needs important???
This.

We had talked previously about wanting to get married, but DH actually ‘proposed’ when I was waiting for an ambulance to cart me off to hospital with pneumonia. He says it made him realise the depth of how much I meant to him, and that he was terrified I was so ill. That showed me more about his love for and commitment to me than any amount of rose petals and sunsets. We were only ‘engaged’ long enough to plan and have our wedding, so about 6 months. We’re about to have our 20th anniversary.

Proposals can be a lot of old nonsense, and really mean very little.

Good for your daughter, taking charge of her own destiny and not waiting in th wings for some meaningless proposal.

YABU. I don't think it's usual to just propose out the blue having never discussed marriage or found out how your partner feels about it. Why should she wait around for something that might never happen? If she wants to get married then it's up to her to have that conversation with him. He might not be that arsed about it or not feel ready yet.
It's also not really any of your business, your daughter is presumably fine with not having a "surprise" proposal so not sure why it would bother you.

This is a very good point, I hadn’t considered there’s the potential for the best of both worlds here.

Yabu and totally out dated.

Why should your DD wait? Why can't she take control of her own life?

I had the same chat with dh when we had been together a year, and I was late 20s. He's a couple of years younger than me so was not in a rush.

We've been married now 15 years.

In order of importance:

the marriage (or relationship if they decide not to get married, or happy singledom if they go their separate ways) >>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(probably a few thousand more > signs)
the wedding >> the proposal

On the bright side, if missing out on the surprise ring proposal is what you are most worried about in your daughter's relationship then her fella is probably a good egg.

Do the maths OP. If she doesn't have a discussion about it, how long does she wait for a proposal? A year? Two? Three? What happens if she waits a couple of years and there's no proposal? If she wants marriage and children giving up on a relationship at 32/33, then perhaps taking a couple of years to find someone who you are compatible with and who wants a family in the same timeframe is quite an ask. That takes you to 35, then how long do you wait for that surprise proposal? How long an engagement? How long to conceive?

Your dd is very sensible to be discussing where the relationship is going. They could decide that they do want marriage & dc and the timing of the proposal is a surprise even if she knows it's coming.

Surely very few proposals come entirely out of the blue? If you've never discussed the future how can someone be sure that a proposal would be welcomed? How many people would risk being turned down?

When I was with my XH he had proposed on a beach abroad at sunset and set up a photographer and everything, I think I felt pressured because of how much effort he had gone too and probably at that point shouldn’t have said yes (hindsight is a wonderful thing) whereas me and my current DH just decided to get married, no proposal, no getting down on one knee, just two people deciding they want to get married, no pressure, it was nice and I’m happier than ever.

soooo, YABU 😁

This is such a weird take. Most couples now will discuss where they’re at and a rough timeline or expectations for the future to be on the same page. That doesn’t meant any proposal that may happen wouldn’t be a surprise. Agreeing they’d like to be engaged within the next 6 months or a year doesn’t tell her when/where it would happen, if at home or abroad etc. so still a surprise (assuming he’ll be the one proposing).