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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed that DD won’t get a surprise proposal

262 replies

Bluebellewoods · 17/05/2022 23:59

DD is 28 and has been in a relationship with her partner for around a year and a half. They’ve been living together for some time and she tells me they are very happy together. I think the thought of turning 30 in a couple of years has been a big turning point for DD as she’s expressed her desire to get married and think about having children, as she feels time is running out somewhat.

DD tells me that she has decided it’s time to have a chat with her partner about her desire to get married and discuss and agree a timescale for doing so. I can’t help but feel a little sad that in essentially orchestrating her own engagement, DD will lose out on the special surprise moment of a traditional proposal which so many young women get to experience and cherish, which I’d hate for her to miss out on due to her impatience.

DD asked me for my advice on how she should best approach the conversation and I said I’d give it some thought. What I really want to say to her is just wait, she’s still so young and has so much time! I’d understand if DD had been waiting for years, but their relationship is still relatively new and I don’t think rushing an engagement at this time and sacrificing the traditional surprise is justified. AIBU?

OP posts:

coffeecupsandfairylights · 18/05/2022 06:57

I think your DD is incredibly sensible and has her head screwed on.

It's so important to talk about these things - if she discovers her partner doesn't want the same, she then has the chance to leave and find someone who has the same goals as her.

Far better to do that than do what many posters on here seem to do, which is to hand on to a man who clearly doesn't want marriage and end up heartbroken.

stuntbubbles · 18/05/2022 06:57

How do you have a 28-year-old DD when you’re 12?

Bournetilly · 18/05/2022 06:58

YABVU!
I don’t think many people get a surprise proposal completely out of the blue, they will have discussed marriage prior. Just because they discuss marriage it doesn’t mean she needs to know all the details either. He might not even want to get married to better to find out now.

EufyProsser · 18/05/2022 06:58

Bridgerton isn't real, you know.

SaltandPepper22 · 18/05/2022 07:02

Lol I am getting “proposed to” in two weeks time 😂

A proposal can be a surprise, an engagement shouldn’t. We have agreed to get engaged, soon to be fiancé wants to set up a proposal, I get to be “romanced” because all I know is it’s happening on holiday and the ring he has chosen himself. What’s the big deal? At least he knows I will say yes 😂

Your DD is wanting to make sure she is taking control of her own life and not wasting her time. A year and a half is too soon to get engaged though imo, you are still getting to know each other.

collieresponder88 · 18/05/2022 07:09

It's really none of your business. A bit unhealthy for you to be so worried by this aswell. Do you keep yourself busy in your own life. Maybe you need to get some more interests

balalake · 18/05/2022 07:10

Marriage proposals have become in general one of those events that have become upscaled (things such as go to the Eiffel Tower to propose as an example). I'm glad to read of one instance where that won't be the case.

I hope your DD is with a man who is lovely, kind, and they are happy together.

HTH1 · 18/05/2022 07:12

If they just live together for ages, she could be waiting forever for a proposal (he gets all the wife benefits with little commitment so some men never bother or end up leaving and proposing quickly to someone else). Of course she should take control of her life and move on if they don’t want the same things.

Banoffe · 18/05/2022 07:15

I honestly don’t think many people have a completely surprise engagement.

I’m close in age to your DD and almost everyone I know had a sit down chat with there partner about when they expected things to happen. Some got a sort of surprise engagement but knew it was going to happen relatively soon, others didn’t bother.

It took none of the joy of being engaged away and meant no one was hanging around waiting for an engagement and leaving all of the control in one partners hand. Modern day relationships are (hopefully in most cases) far more equal and in my experience more discussion (should) takes place about when events should happen. If a women wants children she does have to bring up timings. Also partners in my experience want to be fairly certain they will say ‘yes’ after spending a crazy amount on a ring.

No discussion about when things might happen will take away any of the joy of future events for your DD. She sounds like she has her head screwed on.

Mumwantingtogetitright · 18/05/2022 07:15

Maybe she wants a mature adult relationship between two equals, rather than an old fashioned fairy tale in which the man calls all the shots?

Time2ChangeName · 18/05/2022 07:17

saveforthat · 18/05/2022 06:28

@Time2ChangeName. How was it a surprise if you had picked the ring? Surely you both knew you were getting married and just handed control over to him as to when you could wear said ring. I think the op is winding us up. This very much reads like one of those "if aibu was around in the 1950s" threads.

@saveforthat we’d bought the ring, but the moment of the proposal was a surprise. I think the choice of words regarding handing control over to him in respect of wearing the ring implies I’m just waiting for the proposal which I wasn’t, I’ve never thought it was that deep. We were saving towards a house, I was only 24 and we were getting on with our lives. I’d always said that I wanted to be engaged to be married, not just engaged forever. He had control over when he asked but then I had ultimate control as I could have said no.

Thepeopleversuswork · 18/05/2022 07:17

I’m sure this comes from a place of kindness on your part, but you sound very over invested in your daughters love life.

I also find it a bit depressing that you seem to think the lack of a “surprise proposal” is a bad thing.

Actually your daughter is showing signs of wanting to be in control of her life which is a good thing. She’s not sitting back and waiting for a Disney cliche to happen to her.

She sounds sensible and practical and tbh her version of events is far preferable to yours. Be grateful she is stronger and less passive than you: it could serve her very well.

NamechangeFML · 18/05/2022 07:20

Omg OP have you read any of the posts about young men and the woman they string along ,recently!?
good on her!
i had to put a time limit on my dh as wed been together since early 20s and i was hitting 30
we got married at 32
samd with kids. Dh dithered too long and now we're onky having one due to my age!
romantic ? No. Practical ? Very

HoppingPavlova · 18/05/2022 07:20

I can’t stress how much YABU.

We were discussing booking future leave to go on hols etc and trying to coordinate if there were periods of work or any booked events we had to work around, and I can’t even recall if it was DH or myself who threw in ‘are we looking to get married anywhere in that period as would need to be factored in’. That led to a 2 minute discussion of ‘may as well and then we could amalgamate with holiday leave and kill two birds with one stone’. That was the ‘big proposal’ and truly, both at the time and several decades on, I in no way feel I’ve missed out on the huge deal you are making it out to be.

We also didn’t even bother with an engagement ring. I couldn’t wear rings at work and figured I’d likely just lose it constantly taking off and putting on so said we may as well just put the money towards the wedding or into savings.

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 18/05/2022 07:21

Does she actually want a surprise proposal though? I told my husband if he got down on one knee and proposed I’d never speak to him again. I find it so cringey and embarrassing I would have died on the spot!

canyoutoleratethis · 18/05/2022 07:24

stuntbubbles · 18/05/2022 06:57

How do you have a 28-year-old DD when you’re 12?

I just leaked some tea out of my nose 🤣🤣

Beepbopblop · 18/05/2022 07:26

SleepingStandingUp · 18/05/2022 00:02

Oh your poor daughter, how sad for her. Fancy not sitting there waiting on a man to prove her worthiness to her by proposing. How dare she take control of her own life, be open about her needs with her partner and find the best way forward together. Doesn't she know real Princesses never make their needs important???

This

cookiemonster2468 · 18/05/2022 07:26

YABU. We are thankfully getting past the times where women sit around until a man comes along to marry them. Good for your daughter.

ZackaryQuack · 18/05/2022 07:27

I understand where you're coming from. That whole "will you marry me" with a ring when unexpected is lovely.

However, she can still have it. DP and I have discussed getting married. We've agreed a timescale, chosen a ring and I know its at his parents house. I guess in theory we are engaged, but he has said he wants to ask me and he knows the how and when. We're in the process of selling and buying houses, so it'll be when that done.

What I'm trying to say is, she'll know its coming, but she won't necessarily know how and when and that'll be her surprise.

Somuddled · 18/05/2022 07:28

I don't knwona single woman of my generation who was surprised by the proposal. Sure, some didn't know it was going to happen on that exact day but all had discussed marriage and thier future with their partner. Otherwise how would the man know that the woman actually wanted it? It would be a stupidly big emotional (and sometimes financial) investment for the man if it turned out the woman was never keen on marriage. And then both would have wasted thier time. Marriage isn't a lucky draw prize you passively win, it is something two people choose to create together.

TheLadyDIdGood · 18/05/2022 07:29

Your dd is very sensible because she has time to review her options if her bf does want marriage. Having a conversation early on will determine when they're on the same page & have similar values. These are much more important than a surprise romantic moment which may end up in divorce later on.

You read so many threads on here about women who have waited for so long for the mythical proposal. They've wasted so much time on idiots and set up home & had their kids. Then still nothing so it's really good that your dd is taking control of the situation.

cookiemonster2468 · 18/05/2022 07:29

What about him missing out by not experiencing a big surprise romantic gesture?

She could always propose to him unexpectedly.

I guess that's a bit too much to fathom for someone posting a question like this though!

AngelinaFibres · 18/05/2022 07:31

SleepingStandingUp · 18/05/2022 00:02

This. Has time slipped to 1950.

WonderingWanda · 18/05/2022 07:32

How ridiculous. I think the world had changed a lot and your daughter is 28. If she wants to have kids she should definitely have thst conversation and find out of her partner feels the same. Then if she wants to marry before kids that could take a couple of years (because you have probably have someidess about the dream wedding too) and who knows how long for them to conceive their first child. At 28 time is ticking.

She should just talk to her partner. Hey partner I want to talk about our future...

SaintVal · 18/05/2022 07:34

There are two strands here - the whole bit around the 'surprise' proposal and the fact you think it's too soon/she's too young.

The whole surprise thing is terribly old-fashioned - times have changed considerably, even in the last thirty years! I wish I had been more like your daughter, with a clear idea of my needs and the confidence to even think these were worth mentioning. You should be extremely proud of her.

I do think a year and a half is a little too soon to be talking about marriage and as a 51 year old divorcee, 28 seems so young to me but .... she is a grown adult and it's her decision. Let her be and stop worrying about this right now - she sounds like she's got her head screwed on.

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