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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed that DD won’t get a surprise proposal

262 replies

Bluebellewoods · 17/05/2022 23:59

DD is 28 and has been in a relationship with her partner for around a year and a half. They’ve been living together for some time and she tells me they are very happy together. I think the thought of turning 30 in a couple of years has been a big turning point for DD as she’s expressed her desire to get married and think about having children, as she feels time is running out somewhat.

DD tells me that she has decided it’s time to have a chat with her partner about her desire to get married and discuss and agree a timescale for doing so. I can’t help but feel a little sad that in essentially orchestrating her own engagement, DD will lose out on the special surprise moment of a traditional proposal which so many young women get to experience and cherish, which I’d hate for her to miss out on due to her impatience.

DD asked me for my advice on how she should best approach the conversation and I said I’d give it some thought. What I really want to say to her is just wait, she’s still so young and has so much time! I’d understand if DD had been waiting for years, but their relationship is still relatively new and I don’t think rushing an engagement at this time and sacrificing the traditional surprise is justified. AIBU?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 18/05/2022 07:36

Your daughter sounds brilliant! She's taking control of her future and not letting her partner string her along, potentially wasting her fertile years. I wish all women were like her! I'm sorry OP but I think the idea of waiting for some man to get down on one knee and propose to her for the sake of romance, ridiculous! Why should a woman hang around for years in the hope of getting a proposal? It's clearly not important to your DD so why is it important to you? You have no idea if her partner WILL ever propose. You just seem to assume that it will happen. There are many women who wait for years for a man to commit and then it never happens. Your daughter is taking action to make sure they're both on the same page. If her partner isn't interested in marriage and children it's far better she finds out now at 30. Imagine if she waits 7 or 8 years for a proposal only to find out he's not interested. Believe me, it happens a lot.

Merryoldgoat · 18/05/2022 07:38

Thank god for women like your daughter.

onlythreenow · 18/05/2022 07:40

Goodness, I didn't know people still had the romantic proposal you describe. Even if a partner does propose, the couple have usually been living together for ages and it is only just the next step, hardly a complete surprise. Your daughter sounds very sensible, and obviously isn't worried about missing out on anything so I wouldn't waste time being disappointed if I were you.

Copasetic · 18/05/2022 07:44

I really don’t get why people are so invested in the detail of your daughter’s life and you sound like my daughter’s mother in law. I want my daughter to be happy but don’t determine for her what happy is. If she is happy then I am happy. However her mother in law (who is a very woman) has clear visions of what happy looks like and then tries to make them follow that pattern eg how their wedding should go, where they should live and what they should live in etc. Therefore, I don’t agree with you about the big proposal - I was married 30+ years ago and that just wasn’t our style. I do however agree that they haven’t been together very long but there is nothing wrong with a conversation about where he sees the relationship going.

AbsoluteYawns · 18/05/2022 07:44

SleepingStandingUp · 18/05/2022 00:02

Oh your poor daughter, how sad for her. Fancy not sitting there waiting on a man to prove her worthiness to her by proposing. How dare she take control of her own life, be open about her needs with her partner and find the best way forward together. Doesn't she know real Princesses never make their needs important???

100% this. Your DD sounds like she knows what she wants and is going for it. Good luck to her!

Lesperance · 18/05/2022 07:44

She obviously isn't that bothered. Why are you? YOU want this for her, but she clearly isn't on the same page. I had a surprise proposal, I suppose, in that he asked, without us particularly having discussed marriage and it is literally something that I never think about. Perhaps I should be "cherishing" it more. But I'm not. At the time, the fact that it was a surprise was not the happy news. The getting married part was. And I am still happily married. Are you one of those people who makes a big fuss about "getting engaged" like it's a step, when really, you are married or you aren't and all the rest doesn't really matter. I don't think you are focusing on the important part here, your daughter is though, she seems to have her head screwed on at least.

Quartz2208 · 18/05/2022 07:45

I had the talk with DH 12 months in at 24 after we have been living together for 4 months.

I didnt want a traditional proposal (for me it starts off that he has the power to decide when we take the next steps in left which should be a joint decision) or a huge wedding (IMO a waste of money). I wanted a sensible joint discussion about our future together and the importance of marriage for me (mainly legally) in terms of buying a house together and having children.

We will be married 17 years in November and I dont regret any of those decisions at all.

Ugzbugz · 18/05/2022 07:47

Me and my DSis have never been proposed to but my own mum thinks it's a waste of time anyway. Both around 40 age.

Does this man want to get married or believe in it? She may as well tell him her expectations incase they are on totally different pages.

Many of my friends either don't want kids or marriage or both. Not everyone does.

ArtVandalay · 18/05/2022 07:48

I think she sounds sensible and modern. She’s 28, so not ‘so young’ as you say. The romantic proposal may be a long time coming, and waiting for it is a very dated idea.

And I say that as someone who had the down on one knee surprise proposal and who would have NEVER suggested marriage myself. But that was in 1995 and I was 24. Times have really changed.

Musmerian · 18/05/2022 07:49

It sounds like she’s more mature than you are! All that surprise proposal stuff is nonsense , as is waiting for someone to propose.

saleorbouy · 18/05/2022 07:49

Let this progress naturally, a man udr pressure to propose is never a good thing. It's a decision to be taken with though and true feeling rather than pressure from MIL and bride.
By all means she should discuss the future progression of the relationship what they want together and if they have common goals to make marriage compatible. Perhaps after he's heard how she feels he'll decide to propose as you wish!

saleorbouy · 18/05/2022 07:49

Udr = Under

Copasetic · 18/05/2022 07:51

Sorry, should say MIL is a very nice woman!

Knittingchamp · 18/05/2022 07:52

SleepingStandingUp · 18/05/2022 00:02

Oh your poor daughter, how sad for her. Fancy not sitting there waiting on a man to prove her worthiness to her by proposing. How dare she take control of her own life, be open about her needs with her partner and find the best way forward together. Doesn't she know real Princesses never make their needs important???

This is weird. They haven't been together long and it's normal to ask where things are going but that's a very different thing from impatiently requiring a timeline, which IMO is controlling and takes the fun out of everything. If a guy I was dating acted like that I'd dump him. I don't like to be controlled. It's unhealthy.

It's fine for the posters daughter to want to know that the relationship is going somewhere, of course.

Nosetickle · 18/05/2022 07:53

YABU it’s ridiculous and old fashioned to expect your daughter to wait for a surprise proposal when she has decided she wants to get married. She could be waiting a long time and it might never come, what a thing to have hanging over your relationship unsaid. It’s sensible and mature that she wants to discuss it and check with her partner that they want the same things out of life. This is exactly how it happened for me, we discussed whether we’d like to get married, we even decided when and where to have our wedding, went to choose a ring together and then he chose a time to propose to me in a very romantic way but it wasn’t a surprise at all. Then we told everyone. It was lovely. And I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that a successful marriage is about the quality of the relationship and nothing to do with the engagement or the wedding. Not being able to openly discuss this with each other would be a huge red flag.

Walkaround · 18/05/2022 07:53

?! YABU, and 28 is not too young. And as they are already living together, what incentive is there for anyone to surprise anyone else with a proposal of marriage? He may already have everything he wants from the relationship forever. If she wants to know whether he has the same long term desires and intentions as she does, she needs to ask him.

babyjellyfish · 18/05/2022 07:54

It sounds like you have your head full of pink coloured fantasies about romance whereas your daughter is an actual grown up who wants to make sure that her partner is on the same page as she is and that she doesn't get strung along for years wasting her time waiting for a proposal that might never come.

Well done her.

Justkeeppedaling · 18/05/2022 07:54

FFS! It's not the 1950s!

nexus63 · 18/05/2022 07:55

i think your daughter is doing the right thing by talking to her partner about what he wants from this relationship going forward. i have been married twice and never had the big down on one knee surprise, the first time we talked and just book the registry office and went without telling anyone, the second was due to a jobsworth nurse saying she could not give me any information as i was not his wife ....standing next to his bed on the ward, all he said is can you book this as soon as possible, we married 4 weeks later after being together 11 years. not every couple wants to get married these days, my aunt had been with her partner for 35 years and never married. i think the big surprise proposal is more for you than your daughter, just accept that things have changed, more woman ask there men if they want to get wed these days rather than sit waiting for the surprise that might never come.

Isonthecase · 18/05/2022 07:58

I'm a similar age to her and the general opinion amongst my age group is if a proposal is a total surprise it should be turned down. No good marriage starts with that level of communication.

Morristj · 18/05/2022 08:05

If this was just about it being a shame she won't get a surprise proposal then you would be unreasonable. (And I wonder if a lot of the voters read all of your post, who knows?).
But there are two parts to your post - the second part is that you also feel that there is no need to rush, and I think that it's not unreasonable for you to think that. You are allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings about a situation.

CharSiu · 18/05/2022 08:08

I assume we are same generation OP but I’m surprised by your views they are more of our parents era.

DH and I discussed marriage and then he did surprise me out of the blue. But I needed to know he was on the same page about important life decisions. It’s all very well having a lot in common like hobbies and eating out and all life’s small pleasantries but a lifelong relationship that does not make.

We knew if we had children we had very similar views on rearing them, apart form as it turned out independent education. I also agreed I would go over seas for his work but had specified countries I would not live in, ones with appalling treatment of women or places where you needed to live on a compound.

JorisBonson · 18/05/2022 08:09

How is the weather there in 1942?

babyjellyfish · 18/05/2022 08:10

Isonthecase · 18/05/2022 07:58

I'm a similar age to her and the general opinion amongst my age group is if a proposal is a total surprise it should be turned down. No good marriage starts with that level of communication.

This.

Who to marry is one of the biggest decisions we ever make in our lifetimes. It has a profound effect on both our future happiness and our financial position.

I wouldn't want someone else to make that decision for me. I wouldn't want to wait around hoping that a man would decide he wanted to marry me and ask me, and I wouldn't want to receive a marriage proposal out of the blue and feel pressured to give an answer immediately.

What about all the things you're supposed to discuss before you commit to marriage, such as whether you want children, and when? If a proposal is truly a surprise then you won't have discussed those things and you won't have any idea if you're compatible. If you have discussed those things then how much of a surprise is it really?

ithoughtisawapuddycat · 18/05/2022 08:13

I got engaged at 21 and although the proposal was a surprise in as much as i didn't expect it that day, i knew it was coming as we'd been out and ordered a ring. Still a lovely story and i've no regrets at all.

Having a discussion about their future sounds an incredibly sensible thing to do. Imagine her getting a surprise proposal and then finding out her partner wants a very long engagement, no kids before marriage and has different values about marriage and raising children!